Sweet daughter of mine,
You're are now turning 9,
And you amaze me with each passing day,

So creative and smart,
That's only the start,
Of all of the things I can say,

You write marvelous stories,
With adventure and glory,
Even typing and printing with pride,

From your photos and pictures,
You give us beautiful mixtures,
Of the true artist that you are inside,

In our techno family,
It's no surprise that your savvy,
And learn more with each passing day,

Here this gift I provide,
And with it I'll help guide,
For you to share in your very own way,

So to the point I will get,
As your patience I bet,
Is screaming "ok, just get on with it mom!"

I hope you enjoy,
All the things you can toy,
With your own site at your name dot com!

Happy Birthday!
The website
[herName.com]
is yours!

I took that dream to my therapist, and gave her my interpretation. She challenged me to see deeper about each piece of the dream. The things that stuck out the most, they're all characters, they have meaning even if they are in-animate objects.

Where the dream happened, it has meaning. In that church parking lot I remember listening to my headphones late at night walking around it, looking at the stars, wishing someone cared that I wasn't in the house like I was supposed to be. Where was my mom? Why didn't she care?

The dream started off on broken ground, that I only wished would be more caring. But it didn't help me. It didn't care about me, no matter how sacred I made it in my mind.

Only 6 beers and I'm sick to my stomach at 2:42am, what gives?

When I stopped taking Lexapro years ago I got zaps that gave me a quick out of body type of feeling, and it took me about a yr and a half to get rid of that feeling. I swore I wouldn't take SSRI's or anti-depressants again because of the side effects, but recently tried prozac. Only did it for about a month and then stopped, 20mg, what I thought was a low dose.

Ever since I'd get a couple times a day the out of body spacey feeling that was very sudden and then gone, but none of the sharp zaps from my head down through my body like lexapro withdrawl. Well tonight, when I decided to get beer and as I was going to the store, I felt it a LOT. Write that shit in your medical journals cause I have no idea why, but I'm assuming it was because nerves or parts of my brain that were connecting the way I felt about going and getting the beer had something to do with the nerves that prozac screws with.

Drinking again was inevitable. I didn't even feel like I wanted to, and usually my need comes between 5-10pm, but around a quarter after 10pm I was screwing with a video on the computer, and I just felt like drinking. I've let Noah drink the last couple of days with no problem, I hadn't had a drink since the 23rd of Oct and didn't even crave it until tonight. I told him earlier to go ahead and get himself a six pack, I was cool, cause at the time I really felt like I didn't want it. But after I went and got some beer for me, he just slumped down and seemed to feel guilty.

IT'S NOT HIS FAULT!

I don't even know what to write. We buried the hamster, my sweetheart daughter cried a little bit and told me "I don't want anymore hamsters" cause it was the second one that's died. Broke my heart, but I held her and told her it's okay, we don't have to get anymore hamsters, and if she needs to talk I'm always here.

I have an amazing daughter, a wonderful husband, and a beautiful life, but I'm pulled back into the dark of alcohol no matter how hard I try.

I've scared myself in the last couple of months, with vodka. I blacked out a few times and did some shit that just seemed really weird. It didn't involve anyone else, but the one that really sticks out is me cooking some fucked up food, just mixing shit together and not knowing it until the next day. Later on that day I noticed a huge blister on one of my fingers, I obviously burned the shit out of the finger. Even over a month later it's not fully healed. That scared the hell out of me. I could have burnt down the house. I could have killed my family.

Yet here I am, drinking again. It kept me from drinking for a while, but the difference is that was vodka and I'm drinking beer, so it's better, right? ha

I told my step-dad this story and he said that he stopped drinking vodka when he fell out of that tree he was trimming years ago while drinking and broke his back (see repost below that I apparently reposted when blacked out because I don't remember doing it...ha again!).

Yet even since then I've found small bottles of vodka at his house. Maybe he doesn't drink as much, not nearly. But he still does. Am I fucked forever?

Back in a schedule of seeing my therapist twice a week (once with hubby and once alone). Our last visit with her as a couple was just wow, I realized so much about myself. I freely give myself and my money in hopes that someone will give a shit about me. Glad to know it now but I feel completely stupid. Paying for love. Trying to buy emotional support. How many problems can one fucking person have? I have many.

The therapist was talking about something and I brought up a story I've heard many times from my mom and step-dad, about how one time when I was a baby and they laid me down in a bed. I fell out of the bed and they heard a thump, but I didn't cry. To me it was always a story of strength, at least that's always the way I took it from them.

Noah said that when I told her that story, and when I've said it other times, I have a certain look on my face and my whole body says it. The therapist told me that I learned from an early age that I was alone, I had to fight on my own. She's very, I guess you could say nontraditional. That's why I like her. She's not just another asshole judging me with a notepad in their lap.

We discussed my walls, how I'm a spitfire that knows how to fight because I learned in life that all I have is me. Yet there's this deep need in me for someone to care. She told me later how precious it was when she watched me during that session look back at Noah with sad, sour eyes as if asking "are you still there?"

The only reason I've lost weight is because I've starved myself and slept for days at a time (but congratulated myself for not drinking). Now I'm eating again and I'll probably gain it all back. I'm all extremes, I know no middle.



My step sister gave me a hit of crank 2 weeks ago. Just one hit, that's all that was left on the foil. The taste, the feeling...indescribable. I haven't touched it for 10 years. I was completely unable to tell her "no" or "I don't want it." I'm not rushing out to get more. I don't even know why she did that knowing my past. No one else knows. She made me promise not to tell. I'm scared for my future.

The hamster is dead.

My elbow hurts, I started my period, I've spent the last day and a half in bed, and I don't even want to get into the interpretation of the dream in my last post. I've lost 30lbs in the last 2 months from pure starvation and have only exercised on the bike once. I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday, or is it the day before yesterday since it is now past midnight. I'm not even really hungry. I haven't taken any medications for over a week, except for I think one Ambien that didn't do anything. I haven't drank since the 23rd, nor have I even wanted to. The world feels melancholy and distant.

Friday night was fun. Dressed up with my daughter and went trick or treating. Saturday morning I went on my first airplane ride and it was exhilarating. After lunch everything fell apart. Seems like I'm only allowed to be happy for a little bit before something or someone crushes me back down to the pathetic little creature I am.

I've been watching this stupid show called Ghost Adventures, and in my adrenaline rush from the plane ride my dumb ass says something about going out to where Noah's dad died tragically and seeing if I could get any sorta messages from the other side. I know I couldn't seriously do it, not just because I know Noah would absolutely forbid it, but I'm a complete chicken shit who can't even sleep without a night light. But I was trying to explain to him that (hypothetically) maybe since I'm family I could get something. We have the hard hat his dad was wearing when he died and I brought up taking that out, because in the show they do shit like that, take out things that are attached to the deaths and they believe it brings the spirits out.

We're walking into the store as I'm talking about this to get some gifts for a baby shower and birthday party that are coming up, when Noah blows up and accuses me of using his dad's death for entertainment and I can't even really remember all of what he said because it felt like I had just been blasted in the chest with a baseball bat and sat back in the chair his mother had me sit in so we could "have a talk" right after his dad died.

I'm walking into the store, it's hard to breath, I'm walking fast and angry and dazed with her words floating and distorting all around my head.

"you don't love this family"

"you have a hidden agenda" "there's something wrong with you"
"I don't think you even know how bad you are"
"you need help"
"you are trying to tear our family apart"

and on and on and on. I left immediately that day after the "little chat" with his mother just days after his dad died, punching the steering wheel completely mind fucked because I had no idea why she said these things. It's one thing to say them cause she just lost her husband, and has since poorly apologized over the phone, but I know she really feels this way.

And here I was, Saturday, walking into Target when it felt like my own husband had just done the same thing. As I printed out the gift registry and practically ran through the store just to get the gifts, my mind was swimming in a cesspool of hatred, rage, hurt, sadness, a ripping at the deepest part of my soul.

I drove home dropping him and my daughter off, I couldn't even look at him. I told my daughter I was gonna go shopping for food, but I knew we didn't have any money for that. I just wanted to run away, get away. He wanted to talk about it but I didn't want to hear anymore, I knew if we talked there'd just be more ripping, slashing, words and memories tightening around my neck like a noose.

So I drove and drove, and he kept on texting me. I decided to park next to a river where there was a boat dock. Maybe to calm down, take it all in. I wanted to sleep, to not think. And he just kept on texting and texting. We were supposed to go trick or treating again that night and he said he wanted "to go with us..." so I texted back "...and my bottle of whiskey". I didn't even want to drink, I was just being snide tryin to get him to leave me alone. He asked me where I was and since I couldn't get a good picture of the river where I was parked I drove down the boat ramp and took a picture and sent it to him. He wouldn't stop texting me and I just wanted to be left alone so I turned off my phone.

I find out later when I turn my phone back on that he called my sister (who was going to go with us that night), telling her something about me drinking whiskey and the picture as if I was going to drive into the river. GREAT. So now I'm getting texts from her asking if I'm okay and saying "I really wanted you to be sober tonight". I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO DRINK.

So fuck it, I went home and went to bed. Way too humiliated and pissed off to go trick or treating. Have fun, they could all go on their own and chat away about me just like Noah's family chatted away about how horrible I was after the "little chat" with his mom.

Noah keeps telling me over and over how much he loves me and how it was miss communication and blah blah......hollow. I love him, but I am hurt.

And then tonight he makes some comment about how we need to find something to keep me busy during the day. Oh pathetic little house wife needs a little hobby wobby to keep her busy.

I feel so done with all this right now. I just want to leave. If I leave him my family will all think I'm stupid and crazy because he's a good provider and doesn't beat me. His mom will probably be over joyed. All I can think about is if I did do a legal separation for a while he'll probably find someone else cause little miss wifey who needs a hobby wobby is easily replaceable and he could easily find someone so much better who wouldn't put him through this much pain. Someone who his family will like and so he won't have to feel shunned by them because of me.

I wasn't suicidal before, and not really sure if I am now. I just feel like taking what little savings I have and getting a cheap one room (not one bedroom, one ROOM) apartment and telling everyone to fuck off. Just doing it on my own. Maybe it's some sort of empowerment in my mind instead of thinking about wrapping a rope around my neck or slitting my wrists and smearing the blood all over the walls until I'm so weak from blood loss I can't stand any longer. They have cheap apartments like that around here, 250-300 a month. Work out joint custody of our daughter.

Doing that would probably destroy everything. I'm sure I'd lose him for good and then I probably would kill myself.

But back to the hamster, she's dead, our daughter doesn't know yet and I don't know how to tell her. Definitely not until after school and then she has a dentist appointment so not until after that. The hamster looks like she just curled up in her little house and went to sleep and died. Sometimes that's how I feel. To sleep and not think, anymore, ever, again.

I had a dream this morning that totally hits home with me emotionally. I'll explain my interpretation later, I have to get some other stuff done but this is cut and pasted from an email explaining the dream to my sister:

So there's this contest type thing happening in the church parking lot at JR's old house, I'm guessing something the Church put on. There were people there but the only ones that I knew or that even mattered in the dream were Noah, Kayla, Cody, and I. There were actually two contests, one had something to do with vehicles but I have no idea what the point of that was, if it was some kind of race around the parking lot or what. Anyways, I had a white older mustang, like the first one I had that you guys went with me to get, except it was pure white.

Well Kayla won the contest, whatever it was, and she did it on a mo-ped of all things.

Then there was this other contest and it involved a dancing contest. Noah and I had to dance like a certain dance, momba or waltz or something. Anyways, right before we did this I realized we hadn't practiced and I had no idea what I was doing. I hurried up and at the last minute put on bright red lipstick hoping that if I looked beautiful it would make things better, but when I looked in the mirror I felt like I looked like a tramp but I had no time to fix it, so we went to dancing. Noah knew what he was doing and I couldn't do it, I was looking like a complete jackass cause he's trying to twirl me and I'm just sorta moving around not knowing what I'm doing. It kinda faded into me not dancing with him anymore and Kayla dancing with him and they won.

There's a hole in the dream but somehow we got to the point where it was like Kayla broke her mo-ped or something, basically they didn't have a car to get home in. I think I sorta made a suggestion that she could borrow the mustang but noah comes right out and completely gives it to her, like she could just own it right out from under me.

At this point I become extremely suicidal. I start running and looking for buildings around the church to jump off of but non of them were tall enough to kill me, and they started chasing me so I ran down the street, like down south union towards mckinley. but you know how things in dreams start to seem surreal and I can remember trying to get away from them by jumping from rooftops on houses to garages and over fences, stuff like that cause I knew they'd catch me on the sidewalk. I found a church with a bunch of water and marble around it. Kinda buddist like, and there was this music and I felt like I could hide in one of the pools of water and listen to the music and be cleansed and saved or either drown myself in the water.

As I noticed that they got closer to me and found me at this church place in the water, I went under the water and held my breath, and I can remember being sorta half awake and actually holding my breath for real, because I could physically feel myself gasping for air even though I was asleep. I gave up on this and ended up on what seemed like 9th street. I kept trying to find cars to walk in front of and get hit and killed by but everyone swerved or were going to slow. I remember a real sensation of not really wanting to die, so it was kind of a half hearted effort to get hit by a car.

At this point they catch up with me or almost and I hear Kayla saying to stop chasing me, I'm just full of shit I'm not going to really kill myself. Acting like I'm just some sort of baby and I'm pathetic and everyone gave up. So I had a knife and I grabbed the knife and in the middle of the street I just started gouging cuts into my wrists, deep down to the bone, you could see the flesh and veins but not a whole lot of blood. I keeps slicing deep all sorts of different directions so I would bleed to death. I don't remember seeing much blood, but I do remember feeling like I was losing consciousness.

I remember paramedics showing up and thats about it, I woke up.

I had set a alarm on my phone for 9:45am (because weatherbug woke me up at 4am and the kitty kept bugging me and I didn't fall back asleep until 7:30, went to bed at about midnight so I knew I needed the extra sleep for the long drive I had to make today). Well, my phone said 9:42, so I closed my eyes thinking I'd just lay there for 3 mins until it went off. Well dumb me set the damn alarm for 9:45 PM instead of AM so it didn't go off and I slept for 10 more minutes. Here's the alternate ending.

I was running from them and I got away and ended up on the north side of des moines around where I used to live off of 6th and Franklin around the time I knew Bobby. He wasn't in the dream, just putting that there in case you don't remember the area. Somehow I acquired a needle or it's like I had one that I had saved or something, and decided that I was going to prostitute myself enough so I could get enough dope to put in this needle and kill myself. So I remember walking up to a bunch of guys like sitting in a yard and I'm telling them I'll suck their dicks for a 1/4 of crank. Well the guy couldn't get the crank, but he could give me money but he didn't want just a normal blow job so I got all slutty and said he could cum all over my face and that I'd suck the cum off him and blah blah...anyways without getting too graphic I was actually really good at it, and I got what I wanted.

A lot of nasty sexual shit happened in that 10 mins that seemed like a lot longer and I ended up at a gas station and I had a girl getting me my crank, a whole bunch of it. I remember getting the crank in my hand, and then my phone buzzed cause noah sent me a text message and it woke me up at 9:52.

they don't do anything for me, so why take them anymore?

I haven't taken any pills and the hunger is coming back.


FUCK

Keith,

Lana loves you so much that she's full of honesty to help you. Honesty hurts. If it didn't there'd be no point in telling someone when they're wrong.

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

Where'd you go my love?

He said he didn't read my blog, but he asked me about aspects about it tonight. Maybe he does read, I don't care.

This is like my diary and I don't want to hide anything from him.

I just can't wait for the concert with my sis and I. I promised her I'd be sober and I plan on keeping that promise.

Now what that means, I have no idea. I could be really emotional or really I don't know. But I made the promise and I intend to keep it.

I love my daughter...this has been our song for A LONG TIME

Vertical Horizon - Lonely Miracle

Aug 23rd, 2000
1:53 am
Wow, that is all that I can say at this point. I feel, I know...but do I really know what I feel? Not even simple litte I knows that. I feel Bobby, and I don't even know if I really know that he is there, but I feel it. So much that it brings tears to my eyes. I feel guilty, I should go see him. I wanted him to feel me, I have been thinkin about it soooo much lately. Now I don't know what to say (so to speak). I want to hug him, I know he has been there and I have felt in soo close, but I didn't really know it was him..............
I know he has seen everything, that I did, what I was, what happened, the way that I was, and still am in someways...
What do I say after 3 years........I don't say anything, I just feel.

I have changed so much, in everyway. I want so much to be close to god, or whatever higher power that ties close to me. That deep string of energy that knows that I am there and wants to let me feel they are there. I want to feel more than this. Maybe in someways what I have felt before, but now what I want to feel more. More then that is which outside of, but yet within. Deep inside the soul of my own mind. The one that sat in scilence when Bobby was dyin in intestive care at Ia Lutheran, takin sleepin pills hoping the best but feelin the fate that she knew to be true in her heart. She is me........and I will talk about she now.
She is scared, and she doesn't know what to say half the time. She hated loss, in anyway, and would like to feel that there is more to the length that shes goes to.....and that she stretches to. She just wants to know if u felt her kiss you as u left her? Did you feel her cry to the stars as she wished so much to change u places? Such special energy as yours, why did it have to go like that? Almost makes me wonder what I did, am I the evil energy that drew it to u? Whatever took u away from your life? Atleast your life before me. I know I wasn't your life, and I don't know your life that much, but I still feel u. I wanted to feel more of u but I never got the chance, and don't know if that is destiny or whatever that is, but it hurts. I just want to say that I know u feel me and that I feel u and that I love u. I did whatever I did because at the time I didn't know what else to do. I guess I chose the path that I was on, but I didn't have anyone else tellin me that was wrong. No one ever told me this is how u deal with this or it is okay, and give me a hug. So I guess I dealt with things the way I could, and therefore I became strong (in some eyes). But not in my own, cause I really have felt sooooo weak. I just want to have someone hold me, set me free from this pain. Tell me that it is okay to feel this way, and that I should just let it out......that I don't need to hate myself anymore for being the way that I was.

Noah is up and my concenration left me........I don't want him to be mad at me. I know he has to get up early and I hate to be the one to wake him up cause my lazy ass doesn't even have a time that I have to be up.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know I am confused, I even say that I am. But I knwo what I feel is true. And I usually go with what I feel. And sometimes what I feel confuses other people, but I still know what I feel. Then I wonder if that makes me crazy. Or was I always crazy, and that is why life and myself r the way the r.

@¿@---Lindsey Alaina---@¿@



Oct. 8th, 2000

Anger is the apostle that ravages the depths of my heart. I crave the anger and hate that is within, but all that is to be me. Is this my fate, that which is to devour all that i am and wish to be? Am I here just to fuck myself?
I feel that hate so consuming my all eternal soul. And yet i wait for it's passion to annialate me. To take me to all that is meant for my decrepid soul. I am corrupt...I am tainted....I am destined to this. I am ready. I have been ready to take all that is meant for me. The revenge, the payback; years of hate and anger and selfishness that I have set up for myself to achieve an all fatefull eternal end. The energy is that way, made to follow u and give you everything set in soul. I scream.......so ready, just wanting it NOW. Get it over with, take me...oh i was so ready so long ago. Only this is that i am too chicken shit to do it myself! I was ready for and explosion, a murder; gruesom and horribly painful. That is my fate, my death is passion and lust and ripping hatred of every drop of blood that drips from my sinful veins.
You think evil is that one thing that u do that makes you horrble or takes your subtle little life....NO......it is that thing that takes you in and makes u endure things that even u didn't know u could. You let it in and it sinks, and hovers. Becoming, growin within, moldin life and events to make that inner being scream for that death that only comes when u do it yourself. It bends u till you pray to break. I pray....I want...I need. What is there left for me here, is all i can ask. I know family, but what have they to gain from me? Nothing. All i do is hurt everyone. I don't even do anything to change that, and i have known that for a long time now. What the fuck is wrong with me, why can't i just fuckin die!!!!!!!!!

-----Linds

6 days from now 8 years ago:



I was going to blog about world issues, but something else has come up. I got a call just a few mins ago that my step-dad fell out a tree 20feet off the ground. He's at the hospital right now, he dislocated his shoulder, broke his back, and broke some other things, but I didn't remember what else after they said that he broke his back. I got the call from Lisa, my brother's girlfriend. They are at the hospital with him right now. JR, my step-dad is 62 years old, anything at his age is bad, and I know that he will never been the same. I guess I'm just in shock right now. I'm sitting here wondering what I should do. Noah is waiting until he gets off work in about 45 mins, and then we are going to drop Mikayla off with his dad and head over to the hospital.
I told Lisa that I wanted to come down to the hospital right now, but she said to wait because they were thinking about transferring him to a hospital in Iowa City, about 3 hours away. They can do more for him there. I can only think that if they are wanting to transfer him to Iowa City, that it must be bad. I'm scared, I hope whatever is wrong is not life threatening. I could not imagine losing him. He was the only dad I ever had until I was 17, and even after that, I have been closer to him than anyone else in my family besides my sister, Lana.
He called me earlier today to ask where I wanted to put the fridge we were keeping in his garage, because he wanted to clean it out. It's hard to think that just after I talked to him, this happened. And I don't even really know what happened. When I talked to him on the phone, he told me that he was going to pick Shiela's boyfriend, Brian, up from work and Brian was going to help him clean out his garage.
He told me a few days ago that he had a bunch of branches from trimming trees that he wanted Shiela and Brian to help him load into his truck to haul off. I can only imagine that what happened was that when Brian got there today they decided to trim a few more branches and thats when the accident happened.
I can't help but be mad at Brian right now for letting a 62 year old man climb 20 feet up in a tree, plus I'm sure that both of them were drinking. But I know that JR is so stubborn that if he really wanted to do it, Brian wouldn't have stopped him anyways.
Update
Lisa just called me and told me that they decided to transfer him to another hospital in Des Moines. I'm sure it's because he has no insurance that they won't send him to Iowa City, or better worded, Iowa City won't take him without insurance. She told me that he can move his feet, but his stomach is getting bloated and they don't know why. I don't know exactly what bloated means, I guess it's taking on some form of liquid or something, or maybe swelling, I don't know.
I'm fumbling around the house trying to find my purse. My cigarettes are in my purse, and I can't find it. I hope Noah gets home soon, I want to get to the hospital to find out what is going on. I'm sure Lisa is holding out on me. She sounded scared on the phone. I want to get there so I know what is going on. I want to be there for him. I'm praying, I want to be there and pray for him. I want to be close to him.
I just hate the fact that this is running the same course as it did when Bobby died. I'll have to explain that one later, but basically I had a boyfriend when I was 16, he was 18, he got pneumonia really bad. He was at Broadlawns Hospital (where JR is at now) and they transferred him to Methodist Hospital (where they are going to transfer JR to). Bobby died a week later. This is too similar for me. I feel out of control, and scared. I wish I could find my cigarettes.

I wanna break something. It's not fair that technology goes so fast that I can't do what I used to do the way I do it anymore.

I have something I want to say and I can't type it, I can't explain it, I have to show it.

Yea, I'm a webmaster. A dumb mother fucking web master.

I don't sleep anymore. I don't eat anymore. I ate a small piece of meat today, the only thing I've had to eat in 2 days. I'm not even that hungry. I feel like I'm dying inside.

I took 2 ambien and 2 librium hours ago, and layed down to no avail. What a waste.

The only thing keeping me alive at this point is 8 years old. I haven't drank for a few days so, no, this isn't a drunken post.

Noah called me at lunch today all chipper asking what I wanted to eat. I told him don't even bother coming home. He said "ok" and hung up. We've barely talked for days and when we do it's always the same thing. Him saying he's not mad at me, and me just shaking my head. He doesn't get it at all. I don't think anyone does.

I'm supposed to go with Noah to stain the rest of his mom's deck tomorrow. I feel like staying around here and doing all the things I've asked him to do for months and working until my body gives out. Noah brought up doing the deck, and I made a comment saying I didn't want to do it (not that I WON'T), just that I didn't want to, and he got all pissy saying "fine, I'll just do it". Whatever. I wasn't even going to argue about it.

I feel like I'm failing at everything. Tried to do a fundraiser to help my dad who just had quadruple bypass open heart surgery, and they've had to sell off a car and take out his 401k to survive. I've gotten nothing from all the work I've put into it.

My half-sister is pregnant and wanted to do a baby "sprinkle" (why the fuck they don't just call it a shower I have no idea), but they couldn't afford to do it. So I offered to print and mail the invitations, pay for the cake, and even a gift card for a drawing if you bring diapers. I bought the blank cards and made up the graphics for each of the sides, and emailed them to her days ago. Haven't heard a word. I even called and she didn't answer and I left a message with no return. I guess they're just not special enough for her, she likes all that high dollar go and buy specialty made cards with ribbons and shit. Whatever...I quit.

I even printed out pictures of photos I took cause I like to think me and my little po-dunk digital camera makes me a photographer. Put them in frames on the wall. I want to take them down. They just mock me. I'm no photographer, I'm a failure. I'm a fake. I'm nothing.

I can't sleep. No big surprise there. Still feeling dull and unhappy. Noah has a friend who all he does is smoke pot and is planning on coming over tomorrow night. I really don't want any visitors but I'm sure he'll have a wonderful time doing his favorite thing. Maybe I'll just take the laptop into my bedroom and be a hermit. I can't drink because we have to finish staining my mother-in-law's porch on Saturday and if I drink that won't happen.

I need to get a hold of my sponsor or something. I can't keep living this way. I don't even feel like I know what happiness is anymore. I keep the house clean (with Miki's help, she gets paid). I try my best to do all that I need to do but it never seems like enough.

I laid in bed and all I could think about was leaving Noah, as if that would make anything easier. Just stupid thoughts keeping me awake, searching for some way out. I always run, that's what I do best. That's why I drink.

How do I quit drinking? How do I get him to understand that he can't smoke if he expects me to quit. I have a sister who thinks that's completely selfish of me, but come on...a drunk is gonna find any excuse and him still being able to smoke is a perfect one. The only friends we seem to have at this point are pot heads and drinkers. I don't know how I'm ever gonna make it through getting sober.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up, completely. Like this life, which is worth absolutely nothing in the end. We die anyways and we're gone. Why go through it if this is how it feels? Why waste my time feeling this way?

I took the below 2 hours ago and I'm still not sleepin. Make of it what you will.

So I took my reg set of pills for day, prozac, b-complex, fish oil, prilosec. Skipped the other libriums, if they ain't laid me out by now, they won't.

This is how I sleep.

I save em up for nights that I really need them. 2 - 10mg Ambien and 3 - 25mg Librium.
It's not harsh by any means. I was originally prescribed 6 25mg Librium, my body is just winding down from it.

Well at least I'm good at being a mom. I'm teaching her responsibility, and I even told her what chores are mine so she doesn't feel like she's doing everything.

eh, you get something positive from me. embrace it.

He's mad at me. He says he isn't but I know he is. He's not drinking, he's smoking. I've had a rough last few days, and I started asking him to get me a bottle of vodka, he settled with me on a 12pk that he wouldn't get to drink.



If you read anything on this blog, you know I'll tell you in the eyes I know I have a problem. A problem I don't know how to solve.

We've had good time through my drinking. When I worked at the liquor store for that year, believe it or not I got so much more done and our relationship was better even though I was drinking (how can an alki not drink while working at a liquor store?).

And when I homeschooled Miki, things were good. I felt accomplished. And I even drank then.

I hate being here, in this house. ALONE

Yes, the drinking is killing me, but sitting here in this fucking house all day is killing me. I know I have things to do for the biz, but dammit, I'm dying inside.

I could get a job. Not sure if I could get a job in the web field or a fucking grocery store job making jack shit. Well, if I quit smoking for a month or so and I always smoke when I drink. Miki hates after school care, and if I get jobs for the company I already feel like I don't have time to do what I need to do. (yes, I'm not dumb, circle goes round and round, get drunk, be hungover and unproductive, la de fucking da).

The damned to hell answer is sitting there, RIGHT FUCKING THERE, in front of my face. And what do I do? I ask for vodka. I settle for beer.

I want a better life, and I know it's in my hands, and my hands alone. But I asked him tonight, "do you understand how hard this is for me? stop chewing your fingernails, or more like fingers cause you have no NAILS left and you've screwed them up so bad that you CAN'T grow them back out normally!"

Whatever makes you happy.
Whatever you want.
You're so fucking special.
I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep.
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't belong here.

Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

We all have our own storms.. But we make it through em.
"if I could just see you"...yeah, the you I remember, that stood right beside me.

So through all the shit below, the fact that my own husband didn't jump off the couch when I got thrown to the ground really bothers me. That's all I have to say about that.

So Cody got kicked out of my house. He got way too drunk and his guilt from various things got to him so much he stormed outside and came back in saying "I'm gonna kick her ass". Me being me stood up and put my arms in front of him and said "not in my house". He grabbed me and threw me to the floor out of his was. After that I got up and screamed "get the fuck out of my house right now!" I even got a baseball bat that my hubby took away from me.

Cody left. Apparently Kayla was being held back by Noah.

I'm still pissed that when a dude threw me down my husband didn't even get up off the couch. It's not like this shit happens EVER, but I guess I learned that he won't protect me.

Anyways, Cody is still welcome here without drinking. She moved out into an apt today and of course he's moving in with her. I wrote him this letter:

I kicked Cody out. We all got drunk and I tried to stay out of if by hanging with Noah and a friend in the kitchen. After my friend left things seemed to calm down. So we all sat back in the livingroom.

Didn't take long for Cody to go off on something, the two basic I remember is people thinkin he's a piece of shit and it being Kayla's fault she hasn't paid off his fines yet.

Boy did I open up a can of worms with that trying to get him jobs to pay off his fines and then turning around and handing him the cash telling him to do it himself.

She says he didn't a give a shit about it before. I dunno.

All I know is he flipped out, got in her face a lot, and I told him to get out of her face. He stepped back and acted like he was gonna go outside or leave. He comes back in saying "I'm gonna kick her ass". Well, being me, I stand in front of him and say "no". He shoved my as down on the floor, IN MY OWN HOUSE WHEN I TOLD HIM BEFORE THAT, "This violent shit doesn't happen here".

All I really remember cause moments like that happen so fast, is that after he threw me to the ground, I turned around fast and grabbed his leg and tried to take his knee out to take him down, to keep him away from hurting her. Stupid move on my part, he could have easily kicked me in the face.

Anyways, he didn't get to her. The second I was on my feet I told him to get the fuck out of my house. No one will ever hurt me or throw me down in my own house.

Looks like Kayla and the girls (because Cody's not welcome here) will be moving Oct. 1. Cody is gonna pay the $99 first month's rent, so obviously he will move in with her there. Fuck it, none of my business. Just keep that shit out of my house.

I got all the little retarded checks together Kayla signed over to me today, both under $10, plus my little Staples rewards checks both under $5, gave myself 2 hours of payroll from the biz (even though I deserve more then that), and stopped by the liquor store to pick up my one day check for working which was about $33. I deposited all that and also cashed the $100 check my mother in law gave me for Cody working. I took the $100 and handed it to Kayla and said, "ya know, I'm sick of hearing people telline me I'm a control freak, so here ya go". She took it and said nothing.

Cody tried to follow me up the stairs and give me the $100 and said "this isn't you being a control freak, this is you helping out a friend." I told him "give it to your wife then" and walked the rest of the way up the stairs. I'm done. I can't control his life or make it any better, thats his decision. I've had enough people tell me lately that I'm a control freak that I just give up.

I got a bag cooler, filled it with ice and a pint of whiskey and sprite and decided to just be alone in my room. Of course noah wouldn't let me be alone, he sat next to me on the bed screwing with his laptop so I worked on something for a fundraiser we're trying to hold.

When we dropped Miki off at volleyball practice for an hr, he wanted to ride along and talk. There wasn't much talking (this was after I went to the bank an made up my mind and he just wanted to know what was going on in my head). I stopped at the dollar store and got some things that we seem to be going through like they're nothing because no one watches the little one and she way over uses things thinking she's trying to help do chores.

Again, I'm not going to control things....I'll just buy them. We'll see how long it takes for this house to fall down.

I'M DONE.

Noah had the audacity to tell me that maybe I would become more happy not controlling things, and instead of being pissed like I've been all day, I should smile.

Okay motherfucker. Then YOU do it. We'll see where this train ends.

I told him as politely as I could, well, if it ends up being a good thing and I realize it helps me, then I'll smile. But I'm not fucking smiling about it now.



EDIT: And just as an fyi, last night when we ran of beer (I don't buy as much because I know Cody will drink it and I'm just paying for him even more), I had a small bottle of whiskey I stuck in the freezer. When we ran out I went to look for the bottle (Cody won't drink hard liquor, thats why I bought it), and it wasn't where I put it. I knew immediately that Noah moved it. So I went upstairs to ask him where he put it, and he told me where and said that he did it because he wanted to hang out with me and he knew that I'd come asking for it and then he'd tell me he wanted to be with me. Can someone please tell me, for one, why my husband doesn't have the balls to say he wants to hang with just me instead of hiding my whiskey? And for two, why when I come and hang with him all I get is ragged on for trying to defend my actions as a "control freak"?
Not to mention the fact that when I came upstairs to ask Noah about the whiskey, Cody drove drunk to the store to buy more beer, knowing full and well that I was trying to get him jobs to pay off the fines he got for driving drunk.

I'm going to do my own thing, I'm not going to control a god damn thing but what I do for myself, and everyone else can deal with it. They can know what it feels like trying to control someone who doesn't listen or care. You can call it a bender, a roll, whatever...but I'm done and I'm gone. Kayla starts work on Thurs and I already told Noah that you better get up at 7am to get the kids woken up for school. They take care of themselves once they're woken up. The youngest can destroy the house or her dad can give a shit about her. I can't do this anymore.

Is getting told you're being a control freak because you were trying to help someone find and a job and direct their money towards their fines (which with working can be paid off pretty quick) worth just saying fuck it and saying goodbye over?

I got bitched out by my sister, told I was treating him like a piece of shit from my husband (who I went to bed with when he wanted me to btw)- yeah, he got pissed off at me and turned over and stopped talking when he accuses me of never talking.

I'm sick and fucking tired of always feeling wrong.





I try to do what is expected of me, and I'm still wrong.So whatever.

I'm still not sleeping. I got stuff done, but I'm still not asleep at 7:20am. I can't keep living this way.

So I slept until 2:45pm today and Kayla came in to wake me up and remind me that I have to watch my nephews at 3:30. Appreciate it Kayla, cause I wouldn't have gotten up, not with the amount of pills I did take last night.

See, Noah hides my pill bottles, but I do have a weeks worth in a pill container, so I can if I want to take way more them I'm supposed to. It's so fucking childish that I have to have someone watch over me like that. I'm just absolutely pathetic.

He never came to bed so I took another pill. I walked down to see what was going on and get another beer and they just left him there, in the middle of the couch with his head snoozing on his chest.

I took off his boots. Put pillows under his head. And handed him my phone telling him he has the only alarm that is going to wake the kids up..

Of course I set an alarm on the clock in my room, but I doubt I'll hear it now. I think I'm pretty close to giving up.



If I'm not sleeping by 4, I'm taking another pill. I'll play chicken with life because no one in it obviously gives a shit about me when I really need them to.

Of course I will live on...I always do. I took 12 of these fuckers and didn't feel good for a few days but didn't die. I'm just so god damned alone. This building is crashing down.

I got beer tonight. Haven't slept since 1am yesterday and it's 1:42am today. He decides to chew into me for drinking WHILE HE'S DRINKING WITH ME. He even tried to accuse my drinking of causing him to have bad hangovers at work because he didn't want to go to bed without me, and made me feel like my disease wasn't the same as his.

Guess who's in bed right now? ME. He's downstairs hanging with Cody and Kayla. Is it still my fault for getting the beer that kept him up? Am I really the only alcoholic here? According to him I am.

I'm so sick and tired of fighting and feeling alone in this fight. I cried...I cried soo much because of the things he was saying to me. Do I want to get better, fuckin hell yeah. If it was that easy the brewing and distilleries would be out of business.

He wants me to pay attention to him. Thats all I do is pay attention to him. What does he want, what does he need, how can I help him. And all I get is I'm a piece of shit because he has work to do tomorrow and he isnt' adult enough to say he's going to bed knowing I'm a full blown alcoholic?

And here I am. In bed alone. It's all my fault he'll feel like shit tomorrow.

So I just got done with an online AA meeting. I whined and blabbered about how lost I am and I just keep screaming in my head "how much do you really want this?!" and got a wonderful response from someone saying "well obviously not enough". Thanks for that mr anonymous asshole.

There's another online meeting in 15mins, not sure if I even want to bother with it. My dumb ass took on some more hours at the liquor store so that's sure to help my sobriety. Said she was gonna give me atleast one day/night a week through October. If I tell anyone in AA all I'm gonna get is a "quit, don't do it". Well duh, but I need the money now and this job is already established, I don't have to fill out an app and wait and interview and blah blah. We need the money now trying to take care of 2 fucking families and it's not going to do shit for my sobriety, so whatever.

I'm damn lost and don't know what to do. Drank last night, told Cody I'd help him look for jobs online today but slept until 3 so that didn't happen. Kayla got her job, so yay for her but who knows when she starts plus she said their vehicle has been running weird so if it breaks, they've got no money to fix it. I can't very well give them anymore, we've done enough and it's been hard enough having them stay here.

I just feel like a piece of shit stuck between a rock and a hard place. Cody is pissed, I'm not sure if it's because I didn't help him today or that Kayla got a job and he didn't or both or something else, but I'm sooo fucking tired of his whiny ass attitude. Hey dude, I didn't get you to get a DUI so you could lose your license and then caught again driving without a license creating over $700 in fines for you to pay back before you can get a license again, and I sure as hell ain't gonna pay it.

I dunno. Whatever. Fuck it.

Cody and Kayla and the kids are living with us. They've been here for a little over 2 weeks now. Since they've been here I attempted AA for a week and did good until day 7 and haven't been back since. The 2nd night after Cody and Kayla arrived, we celebrated having our business in the parade and I got so fucked up that I beat the shit out of myself falling down. I think I permanently busted the shoulder that has had the most recent surgery and was working just find. It's slipping out of place again now and there was a big bruise on my arm and yellow all around the scar. Ya Me. After that was when my failed week of AA started and obviously didn't last long.

It's not easy having an extra family of 5 in the house, but I think somehow we're learning how to deal with each other. I don't know how to not drink with them here, I have no idea what to do about AA, I feel really pretty lost right now. Was feeling good for a while but spent the last two days in bed cause Sat night I got so drunk again I fell and busted my lip open and Cody watched me, so that was nicely embarrassing.

I hate myself and don't know how or if I will ever change. I have a whole list of phone numbers from people in AA but I have no fucking idea what to say to these people. All they're going to tell me is if I want it bad enough I won't drink. Duh. And then there's that 'higher power' part that says I have to give my will over to and I don't who the fuck my higher power is or how to 'give over my will' to anything.

I'm picking up some hours at the liquor store since they had someone quit on them. We need the money but that sure isn't gonna do squat for my not drinking. I need to watch my nephews more cause I get paid for that, but I just feel so overwhelmed and stressed I never take em. However there will be about a month worth of Friday's starting the 17th where I will be watching them for a couple of hours to help out my brother in law. I guess that's something.

I feel lost, scare, tired, and alone. And it really fucking sucks.

So I'm drinking. Big surprise there.

My dad had quadruple bypass heart surgery on Wed, and I've kind of been in total go go go freak out mode since. I left Wed night after I found out everything went great because I didn't want to go in the room and see him hooked up to all those tubes. Not to mention the whole thing completely freaked me out and instead of "fight" I screamed "flight".

I grabbed a bottle of whiskey on the ride home (I didn't drive, I'm not THAT stupid). Mixed it with a cup of pepsi and drank is slowly through the 2 and a half hour journey home.

Once I arrived home....of course I kept on drinkin the bottle of whiskey, but at least I spent that dumb drunk ass time creating audio CD's that no one has of the music my dad used to sing. In his teens, was in a couple of bands. He's a great singer. Most of the songs on the CD are from when he went to Nashville to do a "sound test" or whatever and have him sing all these different songs, which he sang AWESOMELY!

You can here all the songs here:
http://www.realrepublic.com/userfiles/lindseyd/mydad/

I even used Light scribe printing on the label side of the CD's. I think people will really appreciate this. And I did it drunk ass whiskey fucked and supposed to be sober.

Go figure. I wouldn't have done it otherwise, and that I'm pretty sure of. It's not a reason to get a bottle of whiskey, it just IS WHAT IT IS.

Anyways, so I leave tomorrow to go back to my dad's house and help him and the rest of the family take care of him. I'm planning on staying all week, until next Friday. The trip alone freaks me out a bit because my relationship with that side of my family has been so WEIRD and on and off for years since I met my dad when I was 17yrs old.

Not to mention that every time I've spend the night or the weekend out there, both him and I would drink like fish, him rum and pepsi, me beer (and when my beer ran out he was most happy to offer me some rum).

HE'S JUST HAD MAJOR HEART SURGERY. HE CAN NOT DRINK. EVERYTIME I'VE SPENT TIME OUT THERE WE'VE DRANK.

I'm coming right out with it....I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with all of this without drinking, when that HABIT has become so ingrained in our whole relationship.

Either way, I've talked to my step sister about AA meetings and such, of which I still need to figure out when and where, but whatever. She probably thinks I'm full of shit about going, and maybe I am but I need some sort of support structure and that's the only one I can think of.

I pray to whatever God there is out there that he doesn't try and have a drink. That part I so dont' want to play (not giving it to him, cause I won't! just having to tell him no).

So I'll be there all week until Friday, come home Friday sometime and get ready for the parade our business is in on Saturday. Got most of the candy and flyers figured out (I'm taking flyers with me to cut up to give me something to keep me busy during down time). We don't know who all are gonna be here to walk and hand out flyers, we don't know who's throwing candy. We just pray this whole fucking thing works out.

Sunday I have to take my daughter school shopping for some clothes because she starts back to school on Monday.

Yes. I'm drinking a beer. I want to be sober. I'm stressed out of my fucking mind and I don't know how to deal with it.

So I'm drinking a beer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbHfgXJ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-qEd9eatO8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T90rkdqfIFs&feature=related

Just realized that today is Friday the 13th. This outta be an interesting day.

My head hurts.

Not because I'm hungover, although I was earlier today but I slept all day so I'm not feeling so bad in that regard at this point.

No, my head hurts because I stayed up all night last night drinking almost a full case of beer, and around 5am I ran out of beer. So, having no beer my infinite wisdom decided it best to go downstairs and get some ambien and librium that the doc prescribed to me as a means to help me STOP drinking.

The stairs were fine, my balance no so much and as hard as I tried to keep a slow steady pace, my legs went about 90mph down each step until I slammed face first into the wall. My forehead is scraped and hurts, was surprised it wasn't bleeding. My nose ring however was not so lucky and it did bleed. My glasses thankfully did not break but the white paint off the wall is streaked all across the top of plastic frame on one side, as if getting side swiped by a car.

After taking two of each of those pills, I managed somehow to get back up the stairs and for whatever reason drunk texted a friend (who I knew was getting up for work and just wanted to wish them a good day, happy sunshine blah blah blah). They call me back and of course I can't talk straight, I sound like a complete jackass, they laugh at me yet tell me they love me and let me go.

I suddenly realize that I have a daughter that I need to take care of all day and, ooops, mom is totally not going to be awake for a LONG time. So I text my sister, which I've never done before and never want to do again and ask her for her help. I admit everything that I have done. She asks me how many pills I took and I told her "no, I don't have a death wish, but there's no way I'm going to be able to take care of Miki." Of course the text looked nothing like what I just typed because I'm having to hold the phone close and far away from my face as I type, closing one eye and doing whatever it takes to even concentrate on where the letters are. I'm surprised I even made enough sense for her to know what was going on.

Noah dropped Miki off at Lana's on his way to work and of course I slept all day. I didn't even come conscious until around 3pm, long enough to go to the bathroom and right back in bed until around 10pm. Noah tried to wake me to eat dinner but I refused and have had nothing to eat since noon the day before. I'm not even really hungry. I hate myself so much right now that if I had the balls I'd just take all the pills I have and end the retardation that is me.

With all the flooding that has been going on, Lana has had to take time off work and I promised her that I would watch the boys for her so she could stay late and make up her time. How is she to trust me to do this if I'm such an insane drunk?

She knows I've been trying to quit. I did online AA meetings for about 6 days in a row, couple of days I did 2 a day. Those helped I suppose but half the time I was lost of these themes like "The 3rd Tradition" and "Attitude of Gratitude". I don't feel very fucking grateful, so what the hell was I supposed to say there? And they keep talking about working steps with a sponsor but I have to go to a face to face meeting to get one of those. I don't even know how to get a sponsor and my anxiety about going is so high that I think I just might jump off a bridge rather then go.

The last time I was to a face to face AA meeting I got a temporary sponsor, and she was more like a reformed crack addict then anything. Talked 100mph, didn't understand half of what she said and she made wise cracks about "oh, so you're one of those analyzer types". She was going to ISU to get a degree in psychology so I suppose she felt the need to take her new knowledge out on me. Went to a stupid AA party with her (talking my husband along like the freaked out dork that I am, which I'm sure made me look even more pathetic), and while I was there someone asked me "going a little fast don't ya think?" Wha? Why would they ask me that. I don't even know what pace I'm supposed to be going. Isn't this the shit I'm supposed to be doing to stay sober?

So I quit going and my temporary sponsor turned into a full time phone stalker leaving me messages because I wouldn't call her back. What the fuck did she expect me to say? Sorry, I don't really like you, leave me alone (which is what I wanted to say).

I don't even get the whole sponsor thing anyways. Most of the time I don't even call my friends or my family when I need help, how in the hell do they honestly thing I'm gonna pick up the phone to call someone I barely know and say "oh, I feel like I want to drink", to which they will respond, "no, do not drink." Yeah, that sounds useful. For all thats worth I could prink a sign and put it on my wall that reads "don't drink stupid it makes you do retarded things like pawn your kid off on your sister and smash your face into the wall".

How do I pick myself back up from something like this? I know Noah loves me but he's upstairs snoring away. Guess he's probably just tired of it all and I don't blame him. I'm such a waste. I wish someone would come and save me but who? No one gives a shit anymore they're just tired of mine.

All my friends are drinkers or pot smokers. Noah won't admit that he has a problem too cause when I said "go down and get a case of beer" I didn't hear any hesitation in his voice, he wanted to drink too! The six days I was sober he got all clammed up and asshold-ish because he wanted to drink and smoke, and he's probably mad at me because my problem interferes with his ability to have a beer. No, he doesn't drink like I do. He can have a six pack and be fine. In fact he'd much rather smoke then anything, and if I'm trying to be sober I don't want that around me because it's just another excuse for me to drink.

When I was on the phone with my sunshiny drunk wake-up text friend, I offered for them to come over on Saturday for lasagna night. I can't hang out with people without drinking, I'm tired of making plans and breaking them (as I'm sure my friends are sick of this whole 'Lindsey's trying to get sober again) thing. So I feel screwed.

I even texted my sister over in Omaha cause she's been wanting us to come hang out and party saying that we'd come the weekend of my bday in Sept, but then later in the day when she texted back I had to admit to her to we need to hold off on that cause I was thinking of putting myself into treatment.

Treatment I can't even do because I have a daughter to take care of and no money to afford anyone else to watch her. Not to mention the business is picking up and Noah needs me here to help him.

I just feel so fucked right now. I'm in a hole I have no idea of how to get out of. Everyone is sick of my bullshit, I'm sick of my insanity, and I don't know what to do.

I keep trying, but the 6th day itch is what I have to be honest about

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59dY8FDbn6s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MsjwVNDnzQ&feature=related

I don't know if I hate myself because I don't want to be honest with myself or if I'm guilty for what I want to do.

I'm supposed to be making a list of things to do. Actually I'm supposed to be making a lot of lists. Here is a list of lists:

Things to clean
Reasons to be sober
Reasons why not to drink
Lists of things to make lists of in the future so I can continue to sit on my ass

I'm never going to get anything done.

I feel like I'm losing grips on what I really set out to do in the first place. I think I had goals but they all hovered around just stopping drinking, and even that I'm not doing so well with. Not only have I failed to clearly define what I've been wanting to accomplish, but I don't think I've seriously anticipated how hard it's going to be to achieve. I'm garnering more respect for that whole saying that the "quitting drinking is the easy part."

My head is killing me. I've spent the last 3 days mostly in bed. Saturday really sucked. It was the going away party for Cody and Kayla and, of course, Cody had it in his head that we were gonna screw. 'Go me' for being the idiot to bring it up. I really have no idea why I brought it up again. Everything was already laid out that Noah and I weren't going to do that. It was cool that they had that type of open relationship but it was obvious it didn't work for us. Noah feels guilty about what he did with Kayla so if I wanted to push the issue with screwing Cody, I'm sure I'd get away with it, but I'd kill myself over the guilt. I knew all that yet I still got drunk and dragged things back outta the dirt.

So Saturday rolls around and Cody gets Noah alone to, well, I guess get some sort of okay to do his wife. Noah says the exact wrong thing, and Cody bombards me with this "Noah said you were having reservations and felt like you're playing mind games". Uhhh, well I wouldn't have said it THAT WAY. Fucking pissed me off and I felt like I was trapped against a wall. Had I at least had more then one beer I probably would have dealt with it better but I got pissed and walked away saying "I'm not gonna talk about this right now." Cody never knows when to leave things alone so he wouldn't leave me be, he just kept on making me feel smaller and smaller cause he "just wanted to make sure we were cool". I was fucking cool just walking into this party, I had it all worked out in my head what I was going to say when the time was right. I HAD control until I got clobbered with 'the men are going to make everything okay because I'm just a measly little woman who doesn't know how to say what she REALLY wants or doesn't want for that matter', and now I had no control what-so-ever and felt like a complete pathetic jackass.

So I spent the next hour slamming beers just to slam them, because I didn't want to think about how small and insecure I felt. I sure and fuck didn't want to mingle with anyone, and I know it showed cause Kayla kept coming up to me asking if I was okay. GOD DAMMIT! I would have been fucking fine had I just said what I wanted to say the way I wanted to say it WHEN I wanted to say it.

I wasn't going to fuck him. I just didn't want anyone else making that decision for me. I opened up the stupid fucking box and I wanted to close it.

So it all went wrong, I felt out of control, and didn't feel like I had the power then to tell Cody off when he did his "well, I at least want one last kiss". And of course I feel obligated to give him that because I'm the pathetic little jackass that had her husband tell him that "she's just confused and doesn't want to tell you because she doesn't want to feel like she's playing mind games." Nooooo, I just wasn't going to enter the party and immediately walk up to him and explain to him that I fucked up bringing stuff up the other night. Oh, and one my ass. He kept on kissing me throughout the night in front of everyone which in turn made me feel like a gigantic whore.

So I spent three days in bed hating myself feeling like a worthless piece of shit who will never change and there is no hope for me. Woke Monday morning having a full blown panic attack, that was great. I don't know what to do with me. Some days I wish I just wasn't me. If we're all gonna die and everything is meaningless in the end anyways, I'm not quite sure why I keep doing this.

Dear Lana,

I'm sure you don't want to hear about it. You have enough you're dealing with. You don't need your drunk sister pontificating about her bullshit that she keeps putting herself into.

Kayla and Cody are moving.

I haven't talked to Kayla much since I heard she was leaving.

I promised Kayla I would be there last Friday to help her pack, and I didn't show up because i was too freaked out when she told me she had two other people coming.

I hadn't talked to her since and showed up at her house tonight to drop Mackinzee off after her and Miki swam.

I didn't even want to go, but Noah wanted to.

So I did. I wanted to prove I wasn't an asshole for not showing up on Friday, even though I felt like one.

So I get there, and I start drinking. ...

And ya know what I said>????

Out of fucking no where I asked if Cody still wanted to fuck me.

And he said yes.

I had a dream with Noah and his family in it last night. It was like a family reunion scene or something, but we were at a beach. Noah and I are sitting on the ground and he's not feeling good, so I'm sitting next trying to comfort him. His older sister walks up and starts either yelling or talking down to him about something he's not doing right, I think it was because he wasn't coming to eat and she was chastising him about not being a very good son or something. So I defend him and start telling her how selfish she is cause she doesn't even bother to notice or seem to care that he's feeling horrible.

Then I remember seeing people playing sand volleyball on the beach, some members of his family, some of mine including my mom and daughter. I overhear his older sister again and this time she's complaining about to file a lawsuit against someone because they're getting in the way of some self-righteous parenting thing she just HAS to do (can't remember what, seems more like a feeling about it then actual words). I got the gist in this dream that she has a habit of doing lawsuits or whatever to get what she want because she feels entitled to force these things.

Then there is a snake like monster that comes out of the water on to the beach and it grabs her son. She grabs his arms to try and save him but the monster gobbles him up and then her. My mom and daughter are on the beach and all I can think about is how I don't want my daughter to get eaten, and I feel relieved when someone else gets eaten, and give my daughter more time to escape. She escapes, and that's all I can remember of the dream.

I got books!

I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now, and while I haven't completely quit drinking, I've damn sure cut down. It was never the drinking that was really the problem, it's cause the world didn't fit with it, and god dammit the world wouldn't change. So I have to. Grrrr.

Anyways, about the whole "books" thing, my therapist gave me a couple of books about shame tonight that I'm pretty interested in reading. We were in a discussion about Miki, and this goofy fighting stuff we've had going on lately. A couple of times it's come down to her saying things in front of other people that I'm sure she KNEW would shame me, and she's learning she can do that to get her way (or at least TRY to get her way).

So the therapist gets these books out about shame, and I thumb through em and they look interesting, so I'll see if I get anything out of em. I dunno, I felt kinda weird taking the books. And then I felt weird for feeling weird. gat! Stupid circles in my head anxiety, I am so sick of it. She had to explain to me that she wouldn't have offered if she was worried and "whats the worst thats gonna happen, I'll have to replace them", which triggered the insta 'save my ass' response of "oh no no no no I'll never not come back and keep your books." With which I felt like a complete dork for saying.

I dunno, whatever, things are getting better with her. I feel more comfortable every time I go. Just hope that soon I will stop chattering and 90mph about a thousand different things. I'm not sure if that's anxiety, or maybe even a defense mechanism to keep from getting too deep about any one thing. ah-ha, thats a new one I just thought about. Seems plausible.

I need to keep writing so I keep thinking of new things. I do that when I write, I just don't write near enough.

Okay, gotta get off here. Deadliest Catch is getting ready to start and they're talking about Phil Harris' death tonight. Soo sad, I miss him. He really reminded me of by biological dad. I bet I cry tonight.

Didn't work out for two weeks. Day zero. I'm not calling myself a failure yet. The last week and a half has been great, and I don't want to lose it.

Yeah.

I know.

It's up to me to prove it to myself. I felt like I was proving something.

It didn't take long to forget all I 'thought' I was learning. Bites me in the ass everytime. Then I think there's no reason to fear the thing that got me here. And I do it again cause I love it.

I fucked up. Like I said...day zero. I'm not proud of it.

One week three days in. I won't say it's been easy, but it hasn't been as hard as I thought. I guess the real struggles haven't hit me yet. Don't get me wrong, I've had issues. I've thought about blogging them, maybe I will later.

It's weird how I blog things in my head. If only I had a keyboard attached to my brain and hooked up to here, this thing would be drowning in posts.

Hubby's been kind of pissy lately. He won't admit it's because he wants to get high, but I won't let him. I'm afraid that if I let him, then I will use it as an excuse to get drunk. I keep telling myself that I won't let his moods change what I need to do in my life. So far so good, hope it keeps working.

I have a lot of people in my life that aren't going to understand. Mostly all the friends that I drank with. I don't know if I should say anything or just avoid them. This whole thing is so weird and scary. Truth is, though, I never really hung out with any of them sober all that much. So even if I tell them, it's not like I will see them that often.

One of my sisters really isn't gonna get it. She's one of those "hard asses" that believes you should be a good woman and take care of your man. I quit my job at the liquor store to do this, so I'm sure she's gonna give me shit about that as soon as she finds out. I just knew that if I worked there, I wouldn't be able to quit. It's not like I don't need the money, but hell, we're not going bankrupt, plus the money we're gonna save on not buying cases of beer and bottles 3-4 nights a week. Along with the mega amounts of cigarettes I'd smoke when I was drinking.

Hell, I don't know. I'll figure it out I guess. Trying to keep my chin up, reminding myself often that I've been sober for the longest time in about 6 years (quit for a month when I started taking anti-depressants), and then before that it was when I was pregnant with my daughter about 9 years ago.

Email to my sister...

Subject:mom got in an accident today

Letter:

She's okay as far as I know, but she got bumped good enough knock her glasses off her face and then she hit the truck infront her to where it broke the grill off her car.

After this happened, I think her and the other two vehicles stopped on the side of I-80, mom got her bearings, and the guy that originally hit her decided to take off. I don't know exactly what happened or in the order in happened, but mom was worried about her ins rates going up, so I guess after that guy took off mom decided to leave as well. She drove home, and JR said that when she came up the driveway the rear bumper was dragging on the ground (he had to bunjee it back up), and her front grill was missing.

She won't report it to insurance, who knows if she's hurt (hip replacement less than a year ago) or the guy/gal in the mail truck is okay...but apparently as mom was driving home after all this, she seen the guy that hit her on the side of the road. Of course at this point she can't stop and hold him accountable because not only did HE leave the scene of an accident, SHE DID TOO.

This is all 2nd hand from JR as of about 10pm...mom got off at noon and took a route home that she doesn't normally take (yeah, thats another story), got lost, got in a multi car accident, comes home, gets in the other car (she's recked twice), and GOES TO WORK at UPS as if nothing happened.

She got off at 11, I tried to call her, but of course she wouldn't answer.

She makes me soo mad and I just want to talk to her to make sure she's okay. But I also want to tell her that I think she's such as DUMBASS. And especially for not calling me. I have never loved someone so much and wanted to choke them so badly as I do with her right now.

--End Letter--

(audio- owl city - meteor shower)


I had such a great time with my mom on Saturday. She was so there with me, and wanted me there, and loved that I was there. And I loved that I was there too.

I don't want to lose her right after I've found her.

I don't want her to die like N's dad did. We spent Memorial Day with his parents, got wonderful pictures of N's dad with my little girl on the tractor, teaching her how to drive at 4 years old.

2 days later he's dead.

That cannot happen with my mom. It will crush me! One minute there, the next minute gone. I can't take that again.

Especially after how far we've come in our relationship. I used to despise her, now I look at her and I see into a mirror.

She's my MOM. I can judge her until the cows come home, but the truth is that I'm just like her. I understand what she does, cause I'm just like her.

If she dies, I will lose what lt ittle validation I have in myself. What she gives me, is that little nudge that says "yeah, we're crazy, but we still ARE and we don't hurt anyone. Maybe they don't get it, but the best part is that they don'have to."