Aug 23rd, 2000
1:53 am
Wow, that is all that I can say at this point. I feel, I know...but do I really know what I feel? Not even simple litte I knows that. I feel Bobby, and I don't even know if I really know that he is there, but I feel it. So much that it brings tears to my eyes. I feel guilty, I should go see him. I wanted him to feel me, I have been thinkin about it soooo much lately. Now I don't know what to say (so to speak). I want to hug him, I know he has been there and I have felt in soo close, but I didn't really know it was him..............
I know he has seen everything, that I did, what I was, what happened, the way that I was, and still am in someways...
What do I say after 3 years........I don't say anything, I just feel.

I have changed so much, in everyway. I want so much to be close to god, or whatever higher power that ties close to me. That deep string of energy that knows that I am there and wants to let me feel they are there. I want to feel more than this. Maybe in someways what I have felt before, but now what I want to feel more. More then that is which outside of, but yet within. Deep inside the soul of my own mind. The one that sat in scilence when Bobby was dyin in intestive care at Ia Lutheran, takin sleepin pills hoping the best but feelin the fate that she knew to be true in her heart. She is me........and I will talk about she now.
She is scared, and she doesn't know what to say half the time. She hated loss, in anyway, and would like to feel that there is more to the length that shes goes to.....and that she stretches to. She just wants to know if u felt her kiss you as u left her? Did you feel her cry to the stars as she wished so much to change u places? Such special energy as yours, why did it have to go like that? Almost makes me wonder what I did, am I the evil energy that drew it to u? Whatever took u away from your life? Atleast your life before me. I know I wasn't your life, and I don't know your life that much, but I still feel u. I wanted to feel more of u but I never got the chance, and don't know if that is destiny or whatever that is, but it hurts. I just want to say that I know u feel me and that I feel u and that I love u. I did whatever I did because at the time I didn't know what else to do. I guess I chose the path that I was on, but I didn't have anyone else tellin me that was wrong. No one ever told me this is how u deal with this or it is okay, and give me a hug. So I guess I dealt with things the way I could, and therefore I became strong (in some eyes). But not in my own, cause I really have felt sooooo weak. I just want to have someone hold me, set me free from this pain. Tell me that it is okay to feel this way, and that I should just let it out......that I don't need to hate myself anymore for being the way that I was.

Noah is up and my concenration left me........I don't want him to be mad at me. I know he has to get up early and I hate to be the one to wake him up cause my lazy ass doesn't even have a time that I have to be up.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know I am confused, I even say that I am. But I knwo what I feel is true. And I usually go with what I feel. And sometimes what I feel confuses other people, but I still know what I feel. Then I wonder if that makes me crazy. Or was I always crazy, and that is why life and myself r the way the r.

@¿@---Lindsey Alaina---@¿@



Oct. 8th, 2000

Anger is the apostle that ravages the depths of my heart. I crave the anger and hate that is within, but all that is to be me. Is this my fate, that which is to devour all that i am and wish to be? Am I here just to fuck myself?
I feel that hate so consuming my all eternal soul. And yet i wait for it's passion to annialate me. To take me to all that is meant for my decrepid soul. I am corrupt...I am tainted....I am destined to this. I am ready. I have been ready to take all that is meant for me. The revenge, the payback; years of hate and anger and selfishness that I have set up for myself to achieve an all fatefull eternal end. The energy is that way, made to follow u and give you everything set in soul. I scream.......so ready, just wanting it NOW. Get it over with, take me...oh i was so ready so long ago. Only this is that i am too chicken shit to do it myself! I was ready for and explosion, a murder; gruesom and horribly painful. That is my fate, my death is passion and lust and ripping hatred of every drop of blood that drips from my sinful veins.
You think evil is that one thing that u do that makes you horrble or takes your subtle little life....NO......it is that thing that takes you in and makes u endure things that even u didn't know u could. You let it in and it sinks, and hovers. Becoming, growin within, moldin life and events to make that inner being scream for that death that only comes when u do it yourself. It bends u till you pray to break. I pray....I want...I need. What is there left for me here, is all i can ask. I know family, but what have they to gain from me? Nothing. All i do is hurt everyone. I don't even do anything to change that, and i have known that for a long time now. What the fuck is wrong with me, why can't i just fuckin die!!!!!!!!!

-----Linds