I think that life sux. I don't like thinking life sux, but I do none the less. I'm just wishing for gods sake, whoever the gods are, that someone gave a shit and stopped trying to tell me make it better.



don't ya think if i could have made it better I would have done it by now? all the guilt and the reasons why I hate myself have nothing to do with it. Promise.

So it's July, and it's been a long ass time since I posted here. I think I'm being rather consistent...haha

So anyways, with the last post about homeschooling, it really has gone great, but it's probably not going to seem so great next to what I'm about to say.

I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I hate myself so much that I can't seem to stop thinking of different ways to kill myself. Not saying I'm ever going to "go through with it" cause I'm sure I won't, but just the thought of doing so seems to have become a sick sorta relief.

The worst part is that I seem to be in some sort of destructive mindset...I continue to do shit that simply makes me hate myself MORE. And in those moments of destruction, I tend to be more happy.

Yes, it's twisted. I'm really worried about it becoming the "new norm". If I let this continue, I worry that my self-mutilating fantasies will turn into reality.

I know that no one reads this. I guess the really messed up part is this is the forum I'm using to ask for help. I suppose it's all just part of my self-hatred.

I wish I had friends I felt like I could talk to. I seriously begin to wonder if I don't have such close friends because I feel as if I haven't been a very good friend myself, therefore I am not allowed friend good enough to give a damn.

So I decided to start homeschooling. Thus far everything is going absolutely, wondrously, awesomely perfect.

That was a joke.

Well, stupid sarcasm, which is something I'm good at.

Called my step-sis last night to chat, and just so happened to mention the whole "we're going to homeschool" thing. Bad idea. Especially since she was drunk.

Between the "you're going to kill that baby" 's (because, as everyone knows, homeschoolers lock their children in the house and don't allow them to have ANY friends) and the "you're just doing this for yourself, you just need to get out of the house and get a job" 's (yes, of course! all bored stay at home mom's opt for homeschooling simply to get out of having to get a "real job")....she managed to throw in an "I'm going to talk to your mom and get her on my side", which was sooo what I wanted to hear! The idea of having the family gang up on me over this just tickles me pink! I'm so overjoyed I'm tripping over my enthusiasm and falling right into a huge squishy pile of GLEE.

She called me back this morning to half-ass apologize. I say half-assed because she still made it very clear that she doesn't like homeschooling (as if she really knows what it is), and swears up and down that there is "something" schools give kids that they need in life. Outside of the "social" issue, she couldn't pin point for me exactly what that "something" was, but she is quite confident that there is "something" schools have that I won't be able to give my daughter.

Being the suck ass that I am, I politely told her that I understand her concerns (and could you please shove them straight up your crack so I don't have to hear them anymore?.....oh, oh, squeeze them cheeks tighter, I'm hearing mumbles ) but we're simply going to test this out for the rest of this year, and if it doesn't work for either of us, then she'll return to school next year.

Then I let her go and proceeded to beat my head on the kitchen counter, hoping that somehow I could rid my soul of the hateful feelings I was having.

Didn't work.

So I'm going to try a different method.

What the fuck right does she think she has telling me what is right with my daughter when her three kids are all fucking degenerates that don't even know how to fucking read?? The school system gave two of them diploma's, and they can't spl a fukng wurd. They can barely read or write, it's absolutely SAD.

OH, and shall we talk about the whole "social thing" for a bit? Cause ya know, I'd be so much happier if my daughter had a booming bundle of idiot friends, whether or not she actually learns anything, eh! who needs knowledge anyways? I so totally want my daughter to be like my niece who is currently on probation for getting caught with a pot pipe and some weed while practicing the much needed social skills of "hanging with the hommies". Or even like my nephew, who is facing prison time for various crimes and not paying his fines. But he has a GREAT social apparatus! Or maybe even my other nephew, 16 yrs old, not quite finished with school yet but probably won't graduate anyways due to the fact that he might spend the rest of his minor years in juvinal detention for his SECOND DUI!

Yeah, so, I'm absolutely going to listen to my step-sis on how to raise a child! I mean, she's done so well! How could I argue with her methods after looking at the results?

Lana....if you're reading this...I miss you....

Conversations with Myself....Who the fuck am I?

I love the idea duality. Especially right now. Because my dual personalities are fighting. What I think about myself and who I am are duking it out. What I think about myself is all apart of what everyone else thinks about me, and who I am just doesn't have a fucking clue, it is something I have to come up with all my own.

Who I am is basically screwed, because I've based most of what I think about myself on what others think.

What I think about myself has a checklist of everything I need to change. Every reason why I'm wrong in logical order, chronologically.

Can I really be me if I am so worried about what other people think?

There's constructive criticism and there's letting other's ideals run your life. And I'm having a hard time differentiating between the two.

Who I am isn't wrong, it can't be, it's ME. But if I let what I think about be take too much control, won't I lose me?