Drunk Philosophy: 2002

Tuesday, December 31, 2002

LOLOL

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

not really.....LOL

Site is Up!
The blog isn't on there yet, but some other stuff is. This is just a temporary domain until the actual domain registration goes through. I stayed up all night messin with it, and had some strange experiences along the way. I'll have to fill ya in later.

Monday, December 30, 2002

Coming Soon
I just registered www.stickysidedown.net. This blog is gonna be in there somewhere, along with everything else I got on the web, and my sister's stuff too. And if Noah wants to put up stuff, it'll be there too. I'll let ya know when it's up and most definitely when I move this blog!

Saturday, December 28, 2002

Knowing Me
I was searching for some music to listen to, and I found a cd full of music I used to listen to when I came back from Texas. I was working to get over Eric, and burned a cd of music. I was with noah, but it was still only about 6 months since I left Eric. Eric, and the life that we had together, were hard to get over.
It's almost like an entirely different life, looking back on it now. It's almost like I was more free in spirit at that time then I am now. Maybe not so much free as there was a hell of alot more going on at that time. Maybe since so much was going on, I didn't have a chance to get into my mind and think about all the emotional bullshit so much. Who knows.

We left Portage, Indiana early in the morning, with everything for 3 people packed into a small Ford Ranger, driving non-stop for 22 hours straight to west Texas. Odessa, that was our destination. It was about 3 hours north of El Paso, and prolly about the same from New Mexico. I took lots of pictures of nothing. Road signs, us in the car, crazy stuff. It was a complete thrill. I was 19 years old, on the run from life, and on my way to Texas. We listened to music, watched the daylight and the sceenery change, and smoked lots and lots of weed.
It was just Eric, Daniel (his friend), and I. Eric was 28, and had lived in Odessa, Texas for a few years before he met me, that is where he met Daniel. They met up again when we were in Indiana, because they were both they were both roofers, and met up there roofing houses after a severe hail storm. Daniel had alot of friends in Texas, and even one that got him a one bedroom house to come back to. And thats where we were headed, to Daniel's house.
We knew we had somewhere to stay, didn't have to worry about that. They were roof/construction guys, they didn't worry about work. And me being female, knew that between two guys (was only with Eric though), I would be taken care of. No worries.
All I wanted to do was fly, and that I did. Met all sorts of people, lived with the excitement, drank the beers, smoked the cigars, and got the t-shirt and cup to go along with it. We made little trip toys out of bread sacks to go along with our acid nights. Drank lots of whine to bring us down to reality. And even had a few nights with the crazy woman next door.
After a while I began to wind down, trying to figure out what hell I'm doing with my life. Getting high everyday was becoming a little mudane, and staying home while the guys when to work, got quite boring.

Eric was a very suspicious character, so I had to get used to explaining everything that happened during the day. That really began to kill the fun. I wasn't going around giving bodily taste tests, I was very commited to Eric. He just didnt' want to believe that.
Even thought I am now happily married, I still believe Eric and I would still be together if he wasn't so jealous and controlling. He had alot of love in his heart, but he had alot of hate there too. The closest ones always pay for the hate.

Eric used to suspicious of Daniel too, especially since he lived in the same house. Suspicious that I was screwing Daniel, yet he always only confronted me about the 'problem'. That got old real quick. After about 4 months, I decided that the relationship wasn't going anywhere.

I took another trip. This time is was home. Iowa. Back to the place I was running from, and yet suddenly I was running back to it.
Before Eric and I moved to Indiana, we were both completely hooked on crank, I was shooting it. So I was going back to the scariest place I could think of going. The people where there, the 'tweek friends'. I was scared that they would find me. Thats prolly one of the big reasons why I stayed with Eric for as long as I did ( a year ). I hadn't done any crank since I had moved to Indiana, I wanted it, yet I didn't, I was fighting and scared.
I came back to Iowa, and I was okay. I hid out at my mom's for a few months, and then I met noah. What i can I say, noah is the calm after the storm. I gave him so much hell before we got married. I fought him for my extreme excitement, but in the end I let him win.

To sum it all up, it's too bad that most of our personal experience is unspeakable. It's that unspeakable truth that makes each of us difference for our own reasons. If you could understand my unspeakable truth, wouldn't you be my best friend, because you could finally relate.
But, if I took the time to tell you, would you get caught in the words I speak, and you understand them as only you could understand them (from your own personal life), and then judge my life because my life wasn't understood (lived) by you?

Friday, December 27, 2002

Pa-Leezz
Prego barbie no longer sold at wal-mart.....may cause teen pregnancy.

My pictures are gone, my comment boxes are gone. What the hell is going on with my blog today? grrrrrrrr
Looks like i'm just going to have to start paying for stuff....lol

Thursday, December 26, 2002

Annessa Got Me......ugh!

In your face, I got you!

Heh heh. I balled you! (uhhhh huhuhuh) Join the Snowball War of 2002!
--------------------------

Awesome Christmas
Warning: This is really long

I have had the most awesome Christmas this year. And it's funny because I didn't really have much of the Christmas spirit until sometime the night of Christmas Eve. This is how it went:

After Noah got off work on Christmas Eve, we headed down to his parents house. His parents have a pretty good sized house, so lots of family comes from out of town and stay there for Christmas. And this year, that also included noah's sister and her husband who live in Hawaii. I was pretty excited to see them and find about how things have been going for them . They have only been living in Hawaii for about a year now, and before that they lived in Oklahoma.

His Aunt Alice and Uncle Larry were there also. They are a couple of the most huggy, loveable people in the world, which can be kind of annoying at times, but is fairly enjoyable most of the time. Mikayla loved having Larry hold her and walk around with her. I'm pretty sure it was because he's a pretty tall guy and she liked the view......hehe

As a matter of fact, Mikayla was pretty much the social butterfly that night. She didn't have a problem being passed around to everyone like we were affraid that she might, considering that most of these people she doesn't see very often. She wanted to be passed around, reaching for other people as they got close, as if to say "you pick me up". She was in a really good mood, only getting a little crabby as the night got late.

We had a really nice dinner with some ham, ribs, potato salad, and rolls. Not a whole lot of variety, but it was really good food so it didn't matter. After we ate, we all sat down in the livingroom where we exchanged gifts. Noah's sister Amy (from Hawaii) played Santa and passed the gifts around. Mikayla wondered around the livingroom, and whoever she was closest to when it was her turn, helped her unwrap the gift. I loved having everyone be so warm and sweet to mikayla, as if she was their own child. Two of the ladies that were there, including Alice, have never been able to have children, so I'm sure that could be one reason why they are so close to her, besides the fact that they are family.
Mikayla got some really cute Winnie the Pooh (not more winnie the pooh......aaaaaahhhhh......lol) and Elmo toys. She got some more clothes and lots of kisses :)
I got a couple of really nice sweaters and a cute renesance (however you spell that) type shirt. I also recieved some really neat stuff to decorate the house with, like a mini wooden bench to sit some stuffed teddy bears on. I'll have to take a picture of it and post it sometime. Noah got some WWII stuff (he's really into world war II), a couple of books about tanks and anti-tank weapons and stuff. He also got some shirts and a couple of really nice dragon figurines. We still haven't decided where to put the dragons, we really don't have any room or any shelves to put them on. They might have to be stored away until we get a house. :(

As the night went on, some of us drank beers and chatted, others ran off in the other room to mess with a computer (not naming any names here....lol), but it went really good. Got to talk to everyone and find out what was going on in their life. Even got Noah's dad to talk a little bit about the Navy.
He was in the Navy during the Vietnam War, but he doesn't talk about it. Noah was surprised when he brought it up. It wasn't like he came out and started going off on all these stories, but he did say a few things. Which, from what I hear, is a lot more than noah has ever heard him say.

We decided to leave around midnight, considering that Mikayla had not been to sleep yet and that we had to get up at 6am to get to my sister Lana's and unwrap gifts. So we packed Mikayla and gifts up, and headed home. The drive usually takes a little under an hour, because we live a little bit of a distance away from his parents house. It's a pretty smooth drive because it's all interstate, about 70mph.

We were probably about 20 minutes away from home when the car started to shake pretty bad. Noah slowed down, and I told him to pull off to the side of the road because it felt like it was a flat tire. As soon as we stopped I hopped out and smelt the burn rubber. Yup, it was a flat tire, on Christmas Eve, at 12:30 in the morning. So the adventure began....lol

Well, it wasn't really that much of an adventure, but it wasn't all bad either. Noah didn't want to bother with changing the tire, considering that we had a membership to AAA that would come out and do it for us. He gave them a call, and they said they would call him back. Within 5 minutes, a police officer pulled up behind us. We got out to tell the officer that we had a flat and that AAA was going to come out and fix it. He told us that he would call someone and that they would get there faster.
The officer stayed behind us the whole time we were on the side of the road. He wanted to make sure that there wasn't any drunk drivers or whoever come along and slam into us. He was really nice, and had someone out to fix the tire in prolly 20 mins from when he first showed up.

The neat thing about the whole event wasn't the blown tire (certainly not), or even the extremely nice police officer. While we were out there waiting for the tow truck guy to come fix the tire, it began to snow. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself, as if God had his own way of telling us Merry Christmas. It was really neat. Just the three of us, Mikayla sleeping, sitting on the side of the road listening to christmas tunes on the radio, waiting for the tire fixer guy to come. It was peaceful, yet crazy, yet calmingly eerie.

The guy showed up and fixed our tire in about 10 mins. The police officer backed up to do what he called 'traffic control'. It looked to me like he backed up and put on his turn signal to make it look like he was going to try and merge back into traffic to get the oncoming cars to move into the other lane. Either way, he was really nice. I wanted to give him a little seal beanie baby as a thank you/christmas gift, and thank him for being out on christmas eve, but he drove away before I had the chance. Whoever he is, I thank him. :)

We didn't get to sleep until around 2:30, so we didn't get up until a little after 7am. I was scared that Lana's boys were already up, because they really wanted to rip into their gifts (well, maybe caleb more than cameron, caleb's been asking about santa and presents for more than a week.....lol). I called her and she reassured me that they weren't awake yet. So we hurried up and got the gifts loaded in the car, and made it up there around a little after 8am. I assumed that they'd want to rip into the gifts as soon as we got there, but caleb seemed to want to take his gifts one at a time. Just opening one and playing with it and then opening another. So I decided that we should make some breakfast. Noah and I brought up some bacon and sausage and other breakfast foods so everyone could eat. Noah and I cooked up breakfast for everyone. JR, my mom, Lana, Keith, and us. The boys didn't eat eggs, so we didn't make anything for them. As a matter of fact, I can't remember them eatting anything all morning.....hmmmmm.......lol

Anywho, we opened gifts all morning long, little by little. Around 10am, my mom decides that she has a gift she wants to give. So she grabs into her purse and pulls out a small black box and small piece of paper with some writting on it. Everyone kinda hushed and looked at each other. I think we all knew what it was, but didn't know what to say. Can you say SURPRIZE!? She turned to JR, who was laying on the couch next to her (because he is recovering from having the kidney taken out), and she began to cry. She stuggled with reading what she had written, and even stopped a few times because of the tears. It was really quite sweet, the things she was saying. Although I am still trying to figure out why she asked him to 'merge' with her, and not 'marry' her. Oh well, we all understood what she meant. She even made a joke about taxes, saying that she might not want to make it legal because the government penalizes married couples (basically they take more of your money). But I don't think that is going to keep her from marrying him. He has stopped drinkin since the initial accident when he fell out of the tree back in October (I think it was october), and my mom has always said that is why she left him. "His stinkin' drinkin'", she used to say. She has been with him everyday since his accident, so I guess it was just a matter of time before they would get back together for good.

Needless to say, we were all blown away by the proposal. Lana and I both have it on camcorder considering we were taping the kids unwrapping gifts. It will make for a very good memory. It's kinda weird really, when kids whose parents get divorced and they want them to get back together. You think that only the young kids feel that way. But I guess I'm kinda happy like one of those kids would be if there parents were getting re-married again. Granted, my mom and JR never got married to begin with, but they were together, we were all together, from when I was a little baby to when I was about 12. So I guess it was like a divorce, without all the legal crap.

To sum it all up, it was an awesome christmas. Mikayla made out like a bandit, Lana's boys had fun (for the most part....lol), and Noah and I gave and got some really cool stuff. Lana got me a ton of web graphics and 35,000 fonts (don't ask me what the hell I'm gonna do with all of them.......lol), and she got Noah a bunch of games he has really been wanting. I'm still tryin to absorb my mom's marriage proposal to JR, but that will come with time. I'm really happy for them. It's about damn time.....lol

I hope you had a really good Christmas too! And to tell you the truth, I can't believe you made it all the way to the end of this entry!
I'll keep ya posted on how the New Year is rung in. Right now it's looking like we'll prolly be spending it with Noah's sister from Hawaii.
Ta Ta For Now!

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

I hate the lottery.......grrrrrr

Merry Christmas!!

Only a couple hours until I become a multi-millionaire!!!

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

Just an Ordinary Day
It's supposed to be Christmas Eve, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. When I got online to talk to my husband through icq, like I do everyday, he proceeded to tell me about how the people that he works for continues to treat him like shit. His boss decided that Christmas Eve was a good day to tell him that everyone is complaining about him.

He works as a computer guy for the judicial department in our state. He is responsible for 13 counties in Iowa, and that means 13 different courthouses strung about 200 miles in diameter slightly north of where we live. Thats a lot to fix, and lot to keep computers running, and certainly alot of driving. I guess he's getting complaints because he can't fix things in 5 minutes like people want him to, not to mention the fact that he can't teleport there. They say he's not 'very customer service oriented', which basically means he's not a fake, happy, smiling, give you everything thing you want at the exact time you want it, kind of person. I know my husband does everything he can do to keep things working. He is very smart, and very good at his job. But one thing he isn't is the bubbly computer guy traul-uping around with a magic wand granting wishes and making joy. He does his job, he's nice about it, he's not an asshole in anyway, but he's not going to try and sell you on any 'this is a beautiful world' crap. And it seems like thats what everyone wants.

The next complaint that he has been getting is about his apperance. He has long hair and a beard. He even had one judge (who we're sure is one of the complainers), make fun of him, calling him Jesus Chris Superstar. Ha Ha, very funny. Well, it was kinda funny when Noah told me about it, but it really bugged him. He goes to work and it's okay for people to make fun of him? And he's the one getting in trouble??

Noah has even had a complaint about someone seeing his skin when his shirt fell above his belt line while he was under a desk trying to reach some cords. Can you believe that?? That's the most retarded complaint I have ever heard. What's he supposed to do? Glue his shirt to his ass? Atleast he wasn't showing off his buttcrack. Although with all the complaints he's been getting, I almost wish he would have, just to make some of these complaints a little more legitemate.

It's really retarded. Noah does his job, quite well as a matter of fact. And what gives these people the right to put his job (and his family) in jeparody just because there is one thing that irritated them. Do they not have enough backbone to say "hey, can you try to do this a little better", or "this bugs me", or whatever. Talk to him about it. All these things are really minor things. He didn't get a pc installed the day after it was ordered, his hair is a little longer than they like, they don't think he smiles enough, he needs to get a tan. What the fuck ever, get over it. The world doesn't revolve around you stupid people with nothing better to do than to complain. They just love the power of being able to go to his boss and force him to conform to the way they want him. I'm so sick of these people.

And next to that, I'm pissed off at his boss for thinking that Christmas Eve was the best time in the world to tell my husband, "hey, everybody thinks your shit, Merry Christmas". Oh, thats nice. I really wish we had the money to tell all these people to fuck off!
We spent $20 on the lottery, the jackpot is 300 million! I hope we win! If we do, I'm going to personally tell everyone of the people that complained about them that they are a spineless rat, who is so pathetic they have to resort to trying to destroy other peoples lives to try and make their's better.

Coffee, Tea, or Should We Feel Your Pregnant Wife’s Breasts Before Throwing You in a Cell at the Airport and Then Lying About Why We Put You There? by Nicholas Monahan

I'm getting a little tired of all the 'security' the government keeps giving us.

Monday, December 23, 2002

I'm going to go over to Noah's mom's house today and make christmas cookies and stuff with her. His sister is in town from Hawaii for christmas, and she's gonna be there too. These people are just too happy for me sometimes. I'm sure it will be fun, but I'm also sure I'm going to come home wanting to get drunk......lol

Friday, December 20, 2002

Mating Calls
This is what my husband and I talk about over the internet while he's at work. Very intelligent conversation:

Lindsey: daddy, miki is throwing another fit again
CivGod: why?
Lindsey: I don't think I can handle her, your gonna have to come home and spank mommy
CivGod: LOL
CivGod: *grin*
Lindsey: *chuckle*
CivGod: *oogling*
Lindsey: *snorking*
CivGod: *farking*
Lindsey: *piggling*
CivGod: *wip-dip-doubling*
Lindsey: *scrappy-smarphicing*
CivGod: *mcbarflypuking*
Lindsey: ZLOL
CivGod: hehe
Lindsey: *crappidoddling*
CivGod: *dadlysmoggling*
Lindsey: *iggloogleshna*
CivGod: *pathootinggobble*
Lindsey: *tazmokingdope*
Lindsey: *stripplehappy*
CivGod: *yakizsmoochie*
Lindsey: *smoocheyakfoo*
CivGod: *bangoweevle*
Lindsey: *weevweevbangya*
CivGod: *nukhavenwoogle*
CivGod: LOL
Lindsey: ;P

Intelligence at it's best.

Ungrateful
I've been talking to Sheila tonight.
Havent' talked to her in a while.
Mostly because of the little dispute I had with him (her current boyfriend) a few months ago.
I miss my sister tonight, and I told her that. He controls her beyond realism.
I wish he didn't control her dreams, her beauty.

Thursday, December 19, 2002

The Saga Continues...
After I hung up on my mom, she sent me an instant message.......this is the WHOLE conversation:

Mom: are you tere/
Mom: i need you to pay for te bear in te bi blue ouse and set of 4 ideos
Me: make Lana do it, this heartless bitch is busy
Me: that was an extremely unfair comment you made
Mom signed off at 8:33:34 PM

Her keyboard is messed up with cat puke, thats why she can't type. Didn't even bother to apologize or anything. Loving, isn't she?

Gee, Wonderful Support
My mom called me tonight to help her out because her cat threw up on the keyboard of her laptop, and she needed to pay for some ebay stuff. So I got online to go where ever she needed me to go. She must have found out from my sister that I took Dallas to the animal shelter, and she asks me why I did it. I told her because he attacked Mikayla. Then she asked me why I didn't just give Dallas to her. I told her it was because she lets her cats outside (not to mention the fact that she already has 8!), and that Dallas has no front claws. He wouldn't be able to protect himself from other cats if he was attacked, and it would be cruel to let him be mauled and not be able to protect himself. So, she goes on to tell me how heartless I am for taking him to the animal shelter......blah blah blah.
She must not realize that I didn't want to take him in the first place, but I had to. I had no choice. No fuckin choice whatsoever! If he hurt my daughter, she would freak out on me and tell me that I was a horrible mother. She would much rather him get tortured and not be able to take care of himself then to go somewhere that he might have a chance with a new family (without children), or a painless death. I dont' want him to die, but I dont' want him to suffer in numerous cat fights.
If he went to her house, with all her fucking cats, they would hurt him so bad. They all have claws, Dallas DOES NOT! AND SHE THINKS I'M FUCKING HEARTLESS. FUCK HER!! She pisses me the fuck off!
Sorry for all the language, but fuck her fuck her, fuck her!
It's hard enough for me as it is to have to get rid of one of my pets. I was very close to him, I loved the shit right out of him. Does she not understand that?? Does she not give a shit how hard this is for me that she has to make it worse??
Like I said.......fuck her!

Dallas is Gone

Dallas is our large fuzzy orange kitty. We had to give him back to the animal shelter where we got him from because he has attacked Mikayla 3 times. He never attacked her just to be mean, he was just being playful, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he has left scratches and bite marks on her head. At anyone of those times he could have damaged her eye, or gave her scars for the rest of her life.
I have 3 scars on my face from being attacked by a cat when I was a baby. I don't remember being attacked, I was too young, but I will always have the scars. We just didn't think it was a good idea to keep a cat that could be a danger to our daughter. It does make me sad that we have to get rid of him. He will probably be put to sleep, unless someone without children adopts him. We have another cat, his name is Rio. He's a little grey runt, and he's not a danger to her. He doesn't attack at all. As soon as Noah walked out the door with Dallas in the carrier, Rio came up to me whining. I think he knows whats going on. He will miss Dallas, considering he was just a kitten when he came to live with us, and Dallas was here before him. He has grown up with Dallas, and now Dallas is gone. I feel cold, I don't want him to die. But I can't have him hurting my daughter. I'm sorry Dallas.

It Doesn't Feel Alot Like Christmas
It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year. I'm guessing it's all the warm weather. We haven't put up a tree this year, we probably won't. The only tree we have is the fake, anorexic christmas tree we bought from wal-mart last year. We were so ghetto last year we used twist ties to hold the ornaments on the tree. We didn't care, mikayla was only a month old. This year, she would probably get the most enjoyment out of eatting the ornaments. We arn't going to be opening gifts here anyways, so the tree would just be a pain in the ass.
We have been driving around checking out everyone else's christmas lights alot this year. Seems the people in the high priced areas of town are going all out. I'm sure the electric company is enjoying the business, not to mention the wal-mart christmas department. We'll just enjoy at everyone else's expense this year. We can't afford a $300 electric bill.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

Pee-Wee is at it again!
Paul Reuben gets caught with kiddie porn.

Another actor is tryin to save the world
Would someone please explain to me why I should believe Sean Penn over the United Nations?? hmmmmmm

Link courtesy of A Small Victory

Monday, December 16, 2002

Old Stuff
This is something I wrote when I was 16 years old. I had just spent one week in detox at a local hospital, and was supposed to go three times a week for out-patient treatment. I went for one day, and then I went on the run. This is what I wrote after my first 'fix' while on the run. I was in the back bedroom of an abandoned apartment, my only possesion being my notebook.

-7/7/97-
I have become good at a lot of things; fucking up, coning people out of money, drugs, or whatever I want from them. and disappearing. The drugs make it so fucking easy to forget the important things in my life, like my family (sister, Keith, etc.) and the few good friends I actually had. I say had because they really don't want to be fucked over anymore by me since I have become a junkie. And that’s what I am, a fucking lying, stealing, heartless drug addict junkie. I'm sorry for what I've done, I do have some kind of heart left. Maybe a little distorted, but it's functioning some what.
I don't blame them for giving up on me. Hell, I gave up on me a long time ago. What majorly hurts though, is that I know I'm actually all alone. They aren’t going to be there anymore. Not to listen or give advice and tell me what I'm doing wrong (even though they told me a thousand times and I still didn't listen). No more support whether it be mentally or financially. And most of all, no more love. No tears nor laughter, smiles, jokes, conversations, you name it, it's gone. All because my fucked up mind thinks that it needs drugs to survive. I know that I'm really majorly addicted when I can't stay clean through two whole months of treatment, even though I realize it's something I need.
Why am I such a fucked up, low life, self centered, greedy junkie? At what point did I lose all perception of reality and responsibility to become what I am now? I can't turn back either. They gave me one chance to prove I could do it. Everyone supported me on the good thing, staying sober, getting a job & car, etc. I felt so much love and acceptance, something I missed so very much. But I threw it all away. For the needle I have lost my family, my ability to be trusted and helped out by those that really did give a fuck about me. And to top it all off, I have to hide out from everyone now. I can't call or visit my sister or Keith without them locking me up in some treatment facility somewhere at least 100 or so miles away.
And I think I'm alone now?! HA! Everyone would forget about me, if I got sent away for at least two months and wasn't able to at least call. What use would I be to anyone? Even if I went through with it, I would be more alone when I got out. I'd hate my life so much and probably want to die so bad that I would actually do it. But I don't want to die. Life may not be perfect, but that’s no reason to end it. I feel so lost and lonely. At least for right now I can actually live, maybe not totally happy, but free. If they take the few things I have left in this world, I will want to end it. Please don't let it happen.
----------------------------------------

The Morning After
Actually, *puts hand on aching head*, I would like to appologize to the poor guy who had to listen to me ramble last night. Could ya tell I was drunk? LOL
I'm not a weirdo, I promise.

Thanx
I'd like to thank #sadboy from IRC (sorry, dont' remember the name exactly), for listening to me ramble. You mentioned something very important, that I don't have much 'weight' to my entries. I will try to be me more often. Thanks for the imput. Seriously.

Adrenaline
I'm pissed off.......at my new computer? Yes!
That thing is supposed to be new, at it gives me more shit than Noah's does. Noah tells me we need to work out the bugs, but fuck the bugs! It's supposed to be new, and work, and work better. GRrrrr

Saturday, December 14, 2002

Please Tell Me What You Think!!
So this is it, my great design. Oh, with the help of a css from Glish.com of course. But hey, I'm working on understanding cascading style sheets better. This has been considerably tweeked from the css it came from. I am proud of myself.
What I do want to know is, what do you not like about it? Or what do you like about it? Or do you not even care? lol
I know it doesn't size to screen well in anything less then 1027x768......basically, if you are viewing this at a 600x800 resolution, the right border goes to the bottom.
And another thing, does the colors hurt your eyes? I like 'em. But of course after spending a few hours starring at this computer tryin to make all this work, my head is getting a little dizzy, so my judgement isn't quite right. Let me know. I'm open to comments.
Thanks!

Ansy
I'm going to try and change the template tonight.......lets all just pray.

New Puter!!!
We finally got the new computer working, and here I am. Not like you can tell the difference, but I sure can. Going from a 650mhz to a 1.8mhz is a BIG difference! Everything runs really smoothly. The only thing I hate is this keyboard. I think midgets designed the arrow keys, they are tiny and squished together. It's gonna make it hard to play astroids with. Anywho, I'm gonna work on the new face for my blog on Monday. I have the details all mapped out, now it's just trying to get the blogger mumbo jumbo to work with my mumbo jumbo. I did the template myself :)
I'm so proud of myself. I guess I shouldn't get too much on my high horse, it isn't up yet.....lol
Noah still has his computer, it's across the livingroom from we. We are hooked together using a wireless router, which was (and still is) a giant pain in the ass. But it keeps us hooked so we can play games and be on the internet at the same time. Pretty cool, we don't have to fight over the computer anymore. Yeah, I know, we are computer addicts, what can I say. He's into the games, I'm into the web, just your typical modern day (obese) happy couple......lol

Friday, December 13, 2002

hehehe.....I like my new snowman banner.......hehehe

Starting to Feel Better
I'm beginning to feel a little better. My throat still hurts, and I'm still talking funny, but it's not as hard to swallow. I feel like I have a scab on my throat. Icky. I'm afraid if I swallow too much I might 'pick' the scab off and it'll get worse. I hate sore throats, but not as much as I hate doctors who tell you "it's just your sinus' draining down your throat causing the pain". Yeah, that may be true if I have severely toxic sinus drainage that is burning sores in my throat. That might explain the blood I was spitting up. Okay okay, I'll quit. I know it's gross. But thats what I've had to deal with the past few days. Not fun. Hopefully I'll be good as new by Monday. I'm not doing anything this weekend.

Good News
I'm getting a new PC today!! Noah ordered all the parts last weekend and they should be arriving today. Noah wants me off his computer, so he bought me my own.....hehe
We bought the case at Compusa. It's really cool, mostly black with a silver front and a 3part window on one side with a fan in the middle. It also came with a 350 watt power supply. Noah is building it part by part, so here are the other parts:

Processor: AMD Athlon 1800+
Motherboard:Gigabyte GA-7VTXE DDR
Ram: 256 MB DDR 2100
Hard Drive: Seagate Barracuda 80 GB
Video Card: ATI Radeon 7500 64MB
52X CD-Rom Drive
Monitor: KDS 17" X-Treme Flat

Pretty cool, eh? Noah keeps whining cause he got me a better video card than he has. I told him we could switch, he's the one that plays all the games, but he's like "no no, I got it for you". Okay, I'll take it! On Monday I'll prolly work on making a new site for this blog to go along with my new computer!! It'll be fun!

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Headed to the Doctor
I think I might have tonsillitis. It's extremely hard to swallow, I have an earache on the same side of my throat that hurts. I had a fever yesterday, but that broke sometime last night. Got an appointment at 9am, we'll see what the doc says. Prolly will just tell me to rest and get plenty of fluids. Doctors always tell you the darnedest things.

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

I Hate Winter
Such a sweet, happy, thing winter is. All except for getting sick. I hate getting sick. I feel like shit, my body aches, my throat hurts. I still have to chase mikayla around, too. Stay at home mommy's dont' get sick days. I hate being sick. blah

Monday, December 09, 2002

A Public Service Announcement
I have recently noticed the high outbreak of bobbleheads on the market. Everything from Tiny Tim, to the Osbournes, to Jesus.
You can even create your own bobblehead for $500.00.

We Must Stop The Madness!!

This merchandise is spreading like wildfire. We all must begin practicing safe shopping, or we will all be invaded by bobbleheads. Please do your part.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by the makers of Ferby

Saturday, December 07, 2002

Cute Breed
No one in their right mind gets up this early on a Saturday morning. Except of course, mikayla. She doesn't like to miss her morning cartoons. I will retrain this girl to sleep in someday soon. I guess it makes it a little better when I get to see her dance and wiggle to the 'Bear in the Big Blue House' tune. She's such a cute dancer. At only one year old she's got her favorite cartoons and she likes to dance to the themes. Before long, she's gonna be singing them. I can't believe she's growing up this fast. Don't worry, I'm not gonna try and slow it down, but that doesn't mean it isn't something that will be missed. I still wish sometimes that she was that little ball of goo that I could just cuddle and hold. And that wouldn't protest or try and wiggle away because she hasn't pushed all the buttons on the Elmo sleepytime book quite enough times yet. "Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy........over and over and over. Yes, now I miss the goo. I used to rub the top of her head with the bottom of my chin, kind of nuzzling her. I remember I used to get pimples on my face from it, but I loved to do it. She has always been my beautiful baby girl.
It's funny. I remember I used to beg my mom for a kitten. I always wanted a new kitten. They were so cute, and little, and fuzzy. I just loved kittens. But I didn't have a whole lot of interest in the 4 grown cats we already had (if you think 4 is alot, my mom has 8 now). I just wanted kittens, and lots of them. Lovable, cute, cuddley little kittens, and I never wanted them to grow up. They were all just soooo cute. I would have fed them cocaine and lighter fluid if someone had told me that it would make them stay little forever. I would get mad that they grew up, and beg my mom for another kitten.
Well, mikayla is starting to grow up. No, she's not 20, she's just 1, but she's not that cute and cuddley little mush of goo that used to sleep in my arms for hours. I miss that so much. I'm thinking about trading her in for a new model. Maybe one with more hair.
LOL
Okay, I'm just kidding! She's just turning into a severe rugrat and I'm trying to make lite of the situation. My cute little, cry only when she needs something, never fight sleep, well mannered, smile all the time, little limp needy lump of happyness, has discovered that even mommy has buttons she can push. And those ones are really fun. They don't make pretty music, or shine bright flashy lights, they do something better. They make mommy run around grabbing toys and putting her in the center of a toy prison, trying to stop the insanity. They make mommy barricade the livingroom with anything she can find, boxes, sheets, clothes baskets, anything big and easily movable. They make mommy wonder why the hell she telling daddy that she wants to have more kids.
Now back to the kittens, I think it's natures way of screwing us over. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter, and I don't regret her in anyway. But she didn't come with a warning label that read, "Will work to do everything to piss you off and I will never understand the word, 'no'". I think if his sperm stopped and said "Warning, will cause severe anguish, headaches, grinding teeth, bad eatting habits, arguements, broken sentimental and high ticket items, money loss, less free time, lost sleep, stains, discharge from every orphis, and hard core guilt trips", I might have thought twice about the whole thing.
Although, she is still really cute when she's in that half dazed stare, watching the tv, in severe need of a nap. I still wish she would cuddle up with me and sleep. Guess I'll have to get a kitten. Nature is cruel.

Friday, December 06, 2002

100 Things About Me
I finally made a 100 things about me page! Check it out!

What
cartoon dog are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

A Couple of Really Good Articles!
The first one talkes about the smallpox scare. The second one at the bottom talks about how Bush is going the 'roundabout' way to get Saudi Arabia. Very good read, makes ya think.

Thursday, December 05, 2002

Warning: Beware of Drunk Moose

1,000 Hits!!!! WooHoo!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you all :)

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

This is what happens when you tell the lady at the salon that you want a nice loose curl put in your hair.

I'm not leaving the house for atleast a month.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

A New Perspective
I can't change everything around me, so I guess instead I will change the way that I look at things. I'm always talking about looking at things from a different perspective, I guess I should listen to myself more often.
My read dad had two children before he got with my mom and popped my sister and I out. Then he and my mom got divorced and he remarried and popped out two more. So he's got 6 kids, and Lana and I are the inbetweeners. Not to mention the fact that us 'inbetweeners' were never talked to until I was 17 and she was 18 yrs old. So that kinda makes things a little difficult in the happy family christmas thing. You see, his oldest daughter, our supposed half sister, Geri, is planning this Christmas party on Dec. 13th., and originally did not want to invite Lana and I. I dont' see why, she didn't have a problem inviting us to her wedding. Oh, I suppose that was just because she wanted gifts, oh, I get it now. Anyways, Geri is a different sort of person, so I hear. She is one of those 'materialisic' kinda people who don't use wire hangers. She wouldn't dare leave the cap off the milk, and God forbid the milk be on the third shelf down behind the processed cheese slices. Okay, okay, so I'm getting a little snotty here. Guess you could say I have a little bit of a problem with someone who has too many problems with other people and not enough fingers to point with. She just plain bugs me. I met her once, at her wedding of course, and she said 'hi'. That was it, just 'hi'. Sounds so mundane doesn't it? A bit overused. Anywho, so I told Al (biological pop out kids guy, half of the half of me cells), that i didn't want to go to some stupid party that I'm not really wanted at anyways. He goes and tells her, all nicey nice that we have 'other plans'. I'm sure that just busted her bubble. Thats okay, she's got plenty of bubbles lying around she can just replace it with.
The main thing that really nags at me about this situation is Al. He doesn't come down to visit Lana and I very often. But of course we have to pack up our house to go see him on the holidays. Whats up with that?? His family brings in probably about 60 or 70k a year, and that even with his new job that pays half what he made before. I just don't get it. He's supposed to be our dad, and we have to run to him? Anyways, that would be a long story I'm not going to get into. My new perspective come into play..........NOW:
You see, if I was an apple, and I fell off the tree, it's because the tree couldn't hold me any longer. So I guess I'll just sit around under the tree until someone comes and picks me up. And if they don't, I will decay, and become fertilizer for a fuckin orange tree. Thank you, good day!

Monday, December 02, 2002

Someone Please tell me what the hell this is?
Wait for it to load. It's some japanese commercial for something, maybe ketchup??

Thursday, November 28, 2002

The word "racecar", "kayak", and "radar" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. Same goes for this sentence: "a man a plan a canal panama."

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

"Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.

No word in the English language rhymes with "month

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
...gobble gobble...

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

As I was saying below but it got all screwed up and I can't edit it:
I added to Mikayla's Site.

The Halloween Party
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days, so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear." The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!" The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4. The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle.

From Today's Fortune Cookie
Your heart will always make itself known through your words

I added to

Monday, November 25, 2002

Astronoids - the best asteroids java game !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKAYLA!!
Today is Mikayla's 1st Birthday!
We had her birthday party yesterday. It went really good, except that miki was a little crabby. I think that is the way it's supposed to be though, kids are always crabby when you want have a lot of people over. She got alot of cool gifts and everyone gave her lots of kisses. She even got her very own little chocolate cake. I'll get some pics up as soon as I get them developed. I'm gonna spend tomorrow and wednesday getting all the old pictures up on her new site, plus some new pictures nobody has seen yet! Today I have to run JR to an appointment, they are probably gonna schedule the surgery for the kidney to be taken out. Sorry I couldn't type long, I'll be back later. :)

Sunday, November 24, 2002

Sex and My Fucking Fairytale Life
Yes, so I live in a bubble. But arn't bubbles supposed to be bright and shinny, and floaty and cute? Well, you know the down side of bubbles? They fucking pop. Yeah, they burst, and then what the hell are you supposed to do? You know what you do? You sit around and wait for the fucking bubble machine to start blowing out new ones. And while you sit and wait, you know what else. Your a fucking popped bubble, that's what else.
Okay, so your probably gonna say that I'm in a pissed off mood. Well, kinda. More irritated and sexually frustrated than anything. You see, I am supposed to be living this fairytale life. Yeah, me and Bambi, we kick it every now and again, but everytime he hears a loud noise he tends to run in my closet. I don't get it, and it really fucks with ya when you're stoned. We don't smoke together no more. He gets into all sorts of deep sentimental issues and wants to go traul-lup in the woods at three am. I dont' know about you, but I'm not much of a traul-lup-er.
So anyways, tonight is the issue, and it's about sex. Yes, with my old man, not prince charming. Prince charming would 'hold out' longer.
But my old man isn't prince charming, so he is freshly blown, satisfied, and sleeping right now. Me, on the other hand, is sitting here at this fucking computer wonderin if I should call Cinderella and talk to her about her 'time anxiety' issues. Hey, it's better than laying there listening to 'thinks he's a hog' man, snore. I mean, come on. Women like to cum too ya know. And it DOES take longer than 3 mins to do it. Give me about 7 mins and a little penetration, and I'll wiggle my way to happy land. But no, I'm not entitled to that right now, I guess.
He told me the other day that sometimes he just likes to cum and thats it. Well, ya know what? Maybe I'll just do that next time. I'll just cum and be happy and bye bye see ya later, no lube for you neither. He thinks that after he cums that I should just be able to lay there and get myself off. OK. Sure. While he's laying there wishing I would quit shakin the bed cause it's disturbing his sleep, I'm supposed to be happy and cum. Ya know, there are times that I cum and I'm happy just to go to bed, but what do I do, I keep going. But he can't do that. He goes a little limpy on the situation. So what I wonder is, why can't he hold it for a couple of minutes? I'm easy.
Like SnowWhite. Although I don't have seven dwarfs around, that must be quite interesting. Maybe I'll check out her new line of porn comin' out in the spring. She did tell me the other day that she was kinda 'short staffed' on the set, though, so they might not be ready for rent until the summer. I'll be sure and keep ya posted.
Anyways, mr macho man in there thinks he's the shit, but his nose keeps growing so I know otherwise (too bad thats the only thing growing). For the most part we are great together, but I'm not gonna put up with this pump for a minute - blow your wad in 3-2-1 - snore thing for much longer.
Please excuse me while I make Pinocchio tell me all sorts of nasty lies. His bullshit is always good comfort on nights like this.

Friday, November 22, 2002

I'm also selling this too: Microsoft Office XP Professional - COMPLETE!
Yeah, I know....I just keep pluging the things that I'm selling. I'll blog soon, I promise.

My Newest Ebay Item Up For Sale!
BUY ALL MY QUIXTAR BUSINESS MATERIALS!! L@@K!

For All The People Searching For Suing McDonalds,THIS is the only thing I wrote about it.
Thank You, please come again....

I can't believe I'm getting 25 hits a day for this one damn post. Don't worry, I'm not going to turn this blog into the suing mcdonalds archieve. I should state my opinion about stupid moments in history more often.

Thursday, November 21, 2002

I'm selling a Lot of 4 Beautiful Sweaters! SZ 22-24

Spank the Monkey!

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

Boo
I've been a lazy blogger. It's actually because I have been pretty busy getting things ready for Mikayla's first birthday party. She's gonna have a ton of people over, and I have no idea how we are gonna fit this many people in our house. It's gonna be interesting.
Mikayla was sick this morning. Actually, she's been sick for the last week, but this morning she threw up 3 times, right in a row. It was an icky mess, but I laid her down and she slept for a few hours, and now she seems to be doing better. I dont' know if it's from the milk I've been giving her, because I have been trying to ween her off formula and putting half milk and half formula in her bottles. It could also be part of this virus that she has had. I took her to the doctor on Monday, but by the time we got there her temp was back down to 99 from 103, so I felt like the doc thought I was just over reacting. That's the second time this week she's had a high temp, and why it worried me so much. She seems to be doing better now though, thats the good thing.
I seen my therapist yesterday, and we went over my family history. I told him I had a fucked up family, and he agreed there was alot of conflict in my life. He seemed surprised by the fact that not very many people in my family seem to like one another very much. I guess that explains why I sometimes feel like I walk around scooping up everyone else's shit and putting it in a nice pretty bag for em. I'm the dumper, so he says. I'm the one that takes everyone else's shit and makes it look pretty. I guess he's prolly right. It makes sense. I'm such a nice person arn't I? Would you like for me to hold your shit for you, i'll put a bow on it, with sprinkles even. :) :)
Anyways, my life isn't that bad. I'm just a sap and good at making things seem worse then they are. He hasn't mentioned anything else about needing medication, thank God. I didn't want to take mood pills. They just sound weird to me. I know they are good for some people, but I'm addicted to enough things. I don't need to become a pill head too. Take something like that and I'll become this happy little vegetable, with little green fuzzy things hanging out of my head. But I'll be smiling about it. I'd prolly walk around "hey, wanna touch my pretty fuzzy green things?" and people will be like "fuck off" and I'll be like " :) :) okay :) :) ". And trot along to the next person I can try to brighten up with my vegi-happy-o-rama.
Okay, so the veggie thing prolly wouldn't work for me. But having someone admit to me that they believe my family is dysfuncional and that has alot to do with why I'm not functioning quite up to par these days, is working for me. So I'll continue to see my shrink until.. until... until....... until.......... until.......... "BANG!" oh sorry, back now.....wheew, that was close. Damn rabbits........ what was I saying?
Oh forget it, anyways, life is good. Miki is feeling better, just a sleepy head. And I'm still working tryin to make webpages. So there's the update!
See you next time on: (cheesy star trek music starts .... NoW!)
"The DrunK Girl That Thinks Too Much"

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Stuff I'm Selling On Ebay
Buy My Stuff......hehe

Windows NT Workstation Software

Nintendo Game System with 16 Games

Monday, November 18, 2002

If You're Tired and You Know It, Go to Sleep
On Friday Jimmy threw a fit so him and I argued about my mom. He wanted to say stupid shit like I was just going to sit there and agree with him, but I stood up for my mom (she's my mom, duh!). He didn't like that, but I don't care. I asked him how he would like it if I sat there and said the things he said about my mom, about his mother (she died when he was 15), and he had nothing to say. Stupid shit. I found out the next day the whole reason he was being an asshole was because he had wanted to go home and go to bed hours before. How sad, he was throwing a fit like a 2 year old.
Then I find out yesterday that Shiela finally split up with her asshole boyfriend, Brian. I guess she didn't want to die, and this last choking/fight incident made her realize that. He almost busted her windpipe, and she's gonna have to wear turtleneck shirts all week to work to cover the bruses. Hopefully she doesn't go back to him. It's sad that her kids have to be around when this shit happens.
Thank God my life doesn't have this much drama in it anymore. I couldn't handle it. I like my nice peaceful (boring) life.....hehe

Friday, November 15, 2002

eBay item 1581025241 (Ends Nov-15-02 18:59:59 PST )Think they were trying to make some kind of statement with the Osama bin Laden poster in the background??

Nevermind, I fixed it!
I fixed Mikayla's Page!! I'm proud of myself. I began to think that I didn't know what i was doing.

Attention Web Designers That Know What They Are Doing
I just got Mikayla's New Site up and running, but there's a glitch. I got the template off the web, and I'm getting ready to email the person that created it cause I'm running out of ideas. Above the buttons there is this patch of background that comes through, and I don't know why. It seems to be worse the bigger the page is (more scrolling). I don't know how to fix it, but it is very annoying. If anyone wants to check out the source code and tell me what they think, I'm open to suggestions at this point.

Thursday, November 14, 2002

My Poems
Since I've been so busy doing web stuff, I figured I'd put a couple old poems I wrote on here. These are from about 5 months after Bobby died, I got into drugs really bad. This is what I wrote living in an abandoned apartment at 16 in with a user boyfriend who fed me dope to keep me happy (it must not have worked....lol):

5/18/97
The clouds roll in and the thunder screams down,
Rescue me, please, from this hell that I've found,
Spinning down deeper, soon to swallow me whole,
Losing the grasp of my own self control,
Yet sometimes the poison slips out of my reach,
And "I'll never go back!" are the words that I preach,
This craving then pokes me with daggers of greed,
As hell is within me and grows from this need,
I'll fight off the hunger that aches for a treat,
I won't let it break me, I admit no defeat,
If I give in again and it pulls me back down,
I'll live with addiction or dead in the ground.

-----A Short One---------

A sweet and sour image in a pale and brittle sky,
And even though I'm falling deeper I still don't want to die,
So I breathe beyond the scattered rain that falls within my heart,
But every time the tears are dry the storm begins to start.

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

Trying to be a web designer
I haven't blogged because I have been working on web pages. I might have a small job making a web page for a foster home/adoption place, so I'm tryin to work on my skills. I definitely won't go as far as to say I'm a professional web designer by any means, it would be just something I could do to get some money though. I could prolly get $200-$300 for the page, and I don't think it would be anything big either. We'll see. I have to make a good page to show I know what I'm doing. Thats what I'm working on now.

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Mmmmmm
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, I just so happen to eat mine in a pie form :)

The J-Lo Blow...ooops
This is .wmv video file of a Fox News Broadcast where the newscaster 'blows his own......ummmm.......career?'.

Sunday, November 10, 2002

Fucking Kids!
Well, we're leaving so I can't say much about this.
We were told by our neighbors this morning that someone (prolly fucking kids) went around and spray painted a bunch of homes in our neighborhood, including a few cars. Here is what they did to our home. You can tell it's the work of some stupid kid, because they changed our house number from 15 to 12, only something a little punk would do for a thrill. They went all the way down the homes on our street and did the same thing, changing the number. Thank God they didn't touch our cars. We have been told by the cops that since they didn't get caught in the act, there probably isn't nothing that can be done. We are now in the process of trying to figure out how in the hell to get red pain off siding. Stupid little punks!

Saturday, November 09, 2002

Judge Caught For Smoking Pot At Rolling Stones Concert
I would say that people should lighten up, but he has probably sent a few people away on drug charges. So much for upholding the law.

Friday, November 08, 2002

Just re-heated some chilli in the microwave and realized I need to clean that too, dammit! It never ends! Grr

Angry Bed Positions

Come On Barbie Let's Go Party
I get to clean today....woo hoo!! I'm feeling pretty upbeat about it though. Just turn on some music and get the job done, it's the only way to do it. I'm gonna stain a coffee table today too. JR gave it to us cause we don't have one in our livingroom, we just had to sand it and stain it. I hope it turns out alright, I've never stained anything before. I have to do the staining while mikayla is taking a nap because I have to do it in the bathroom so it has a place to dry.
It's so nice out today. That could be another reason I'm feeling so upbeat. I'm about ready to open up the windows. It's supposed to get up to 68 degrees today, thats really nice for this time of year. Beats the hell out of the highs in the 30's we had last week.
We went shopping last night and got some presents for Lana's son, Camerons' birthday. We also got some stuff for Mikayla's birthday and some christmas shopping. I love shopping, but I hate when you get to the checkout and the bill comes up to $275, ouch! We had a little extra money on this check for christmas, and there it went. It also took some we didn't have budgeted for, but we'll be okay. Noah gets paid again in another week, and that check won't be too bad. He gets three checks this month, instead of two, so we're gonna do alright for Christmas.
I'm jammin on music to try and keep myself pumped for this house cleaning thing. I have to:
Do the Dishes (I just got done)
Laundry (already started, but I rarely put it away...lol)
Pick up the livingroom
Sweep/Mop the kitchen
Clean off the kitchen table
Put Mikayla's old clothes in boxes
Vaccume
Stain the coffee table
Make two apple pies before the apples go bad

Think I can get it all done? Well, it would probably help if I got off here....hehe
I'll update ya in a few hours! Unless I get lost in the laundry, then it might be a few days. Mountains of laundry, and I'm not joking!

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Something to think about
You can call me crazy if you want to, but this is a sudden theory.
I was checkin my email, as I do often during the day. I found an email that said 'mail delivery failed: returning message to sender'. I know this to be span of some sort, because I never sent any email in the past few days, and I definitely didn't send it back to myself. I have tried to find somewhere to send the message to aol to put a 'warning' on it or whatever. But I can't seem to find an 'aol warning' link of anykind.
What if (big stretch here) aol was suddenly being conrolled by some sort of terrorist group, and they are sending messages via aol? And there is definitely coding in these messages, and as not to be tracked, they are using aol user's email addresses to send these messages.
What could aol ever say when they were caught. uhhhh...let me guess, "someone hacked and we didn't know about it".
Anyways, enough of my rablings. Have to get back to our movie, 'I'm gonna git you sucka".

Here We Go Again
Bright sun shinny me isn't here right now. Please leave a message after the click and I will get back to you soon.

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

Play George W. Bush Board Game With All Your Friends!
Just a little something I got off of hbo.com after watching the documentary on George W. Bush by some chic in the press core. They really made him look like a dumbass!! I guess you are what you eat, and he loves bologna and cheese (cheesy and full of bologna, ha ha, get it? okay, so I'm not funny).

Blog Lazy
I've been busy taking care of JR and then coming home and cleaning, most nights i am too wore out to get on here. Besides, Noah has discovered how to create VCD's (generic version of DVD's) and so he's been downloading about 10 gig worth of porn. He actually paid $20 for a service to get the best porn he could find. Woo friggin Hoo. Sorry, I'm usually more interested in his porn dealings, but I guess after a couple of gig, it gets a little old.
I actually get to stay home today. I called JR and told him that I didn't feel like driving down in the snow and asked if he could have one of the guys that live with him make him breakfast. Besides, I have mountains of laundry that need some attention, and a sick little girl who would rather sleep in her own bed. I have an appointment with the shrink again today. This is only the second appointment, we had to figure out all the insurance bullshit so we didn't have to pay $50 everytime we went to see him. That's $200 a month if I go weekly, that could be a new car! I got it, why don't we just say I went to the shrink and instead spend that money on a new car for me!! Yeah, thats a good idea! Okay, so maybe noah wouldn't go for it, but I sure would love a new car.
Rug rat is waking up. In the words of Arnold Swartz-a-something (or Arny Baby as my mom calls him), "I'll be back".

Friday, November 01, 2002

Trick Or Treat!!
So we went trick or treating last night. Don't ask me why I thought it to be wise to take a baby just under a year old out in icy cold weather, scream in strangers faces, and whine (instead of moo, she was supposed to be a cow) the whole time, just for the chance at 5 measly little pieces of candy she can't even eat. I'm tellin' ya, I was in full brainiac mode last night.
We're walking down the street with my sister, her hubby, and their two boys. We took the stroller, but Mikayla wasn't having anything to do with it, but I walked it around anyways. It offset the orangeness of the empty pumpkin candy holder that it carried in her place.
As Lana took her boys up to the door, Noah followed with Miki in hand, but stood 10 feet from the door. The people passing out candy could see her from a distance, most saying "oh, what a cute puppy". GRrrr, she's supposed to be a cow, hello!! She has a big cow face right on the belly! So by about the 4th house, I was ready to cut off the little nubbies from next the ears and the cow on her belly and call her a puppy, just to get it over with. I kept telling Noah to go up to the door so people could see that she was a cow, and not a puppy. He would not. He would walk half way up to the door with her, and that was as far as he went. People didn't know whether to throw candy at him or to boo him and his 'puppy' away. So I decided I would take her up to a door and show her off. Great Idea! I even picked the scariest house, with a big flashing strobe light and halloween music! Perfect for an already crabby, don't like people when she's crabby, absolutely fine with becoming crabbier, poor little 11 month old mad dalmation cow. So I walk her up there behind Caleb and wait for him to get his candy. She's alright at that point, so I figure I'll bring her down to the bowl and let her grab her own candy. Well, the man that was passing it out thought she was cute and tried to give her an 'oh, your so cute' poke in the belly. Oh NO! She jumped, and then screamed, and then screamed louder! I have never seen her jump like that. I told the man I was sorry, but I couldn't help but be sooo embarrased. Smart mommy I was, let me tell ya! So she screamed for pretty much the rest of the time, and I was just plain ready to go home. I felt like an idiot, and I felt bad for scaring the shit out of my daughter. She was cold, and tired, and didn't like people calling her a puppy, so we decided it best to just get in a warm house. So we went back to my sisters, her boys were done anyways.
Once we got inside, of course, she was fine. She crawled around and played with the kitties, and tried to get her cousins candy. She wasn't interested in the sugar as much as she was the shiney wrappers. Although she did find a sucker that was MIA in the bedroom, cat hair and all...mmmm.
After about 20 minutes, Noah picked her up because she was crying, and I began to look at her hands. They were still red, and got worried, so I the proceeded to ask my sister if she thought Mikayla had gotten freezer burnt. Okay, Night Was Over. I had officially lost it. Time to go to bed now. Night Night Duh Mommy. I think these long days of watching 30 seconds of every show on TV has offically clouded my thinking processes.

Thursday, October 31, 2002

There is a bloated animal cracker floating in a bowl of water in my sink.
Time of Death: Unknown
Cause of Death: Suicide
Reason: I'm guess it didn't want to have it's head bitten off piece by piece by an 11 month old.
Survived By: His cousin's, Jimmy the Girafe, Tommy the Lion, Ezekel the Elephant, and his sister, name unknown. She looks like a cow of some sort, maybe a buffalo.

I'm really getting tired of this. I don't want to go this morning. One thing I'm beginning to learn about older people, is that if you take too good care of them they begin to act more needy. I'll explain all later. Have to go sit and pray that I get to watch a show all the way through. JR is the worst channel surfer in the world.

Monday, October 28, 2002

Happy Halloween!!
I carved me a pumpkin tonight! Had me tons of fun! Check it out Here. I've been in a really good mood lately. Just been taking care of JR. Mikayla have been having tons of fun with him. She takes her naps on his lap, and he loves it. I'm so glad that she isn't crying around him anymore. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that he doesn't have nasty liquor breath.
JR told me that he's done with drinking. I'm crossing my fingers! I think this scare with cancer (lets hope it's just a scare) has really given him a dose of reality. I don't think he wants to spend the rest of his life oblivious to the world, he just never had a good enough reason to stop. I'm hoping this is a good enough reason. He hasn't drank in over a week, so there is hope.
I'll be taking care of JR for the rest of the week, and I have to take him to an appointment next Monday. That is when he will see the doctor about his possibly cancerous kidney. He had a doctor tell him that he's pretty confident that it is cancer, but this appointment will let us know for sure. JR is doing pretty good at getting around with his walker, but I think he keeps me around because he enjoys the company. I enjoy it, too. I'm glad he's getting to spend so much time with Mikayla. I was always afraid that she wouldn't know him because he drank all the time. I'm hoping this turns out to be a good thing that happened. I mean, if something good can come out of this accident, it's going to be him finding the cancer early and him being able to kick his drinking. He might need more help with the drinking though. Once this all clears up, I'm afraid he's gonna go back. Hopefully this experience shows him what he would be missing.
I will try to keep this updated. With spending my days at JR's and my nights with Noah, it's kinda tough, but I'll squeeze it in. I need somewhere to vent, and this is the perfect place.

For Noah's Birthday.....hehe
OK, I can't leave this part out. This last weekend Noah and I decided to spend Saturday for him, for his birthday. I told him that we can do anything that he wants, and I wasn't lying. We took Mikayla to his parents for the night, and started off the day by going to a local arcade. He likes playing games, and we figured that would be a good way to start off the day. It was a nickle arcade, so the games were really cheap. They had pool tables too, and only 40 cents a game! So we stayed there for about 3 hours, and then took off to go to this ska concert that he wanted to go to. When we got there, we realized it was really small and filled with tons of gothic 16 year olds. We were totally out of place, so we decided just to go check out this sports bar that has really good drinks. When we got there, we realized they were gonna have a band, so we stayed for to listen. The band was Flipside, and they were pretty cool. Well, atleast until after the first break, then it turned to mushy songs and I don't think either of us were in the mood for mushy. So I asked Noah what he wanted to do. And if you know men, especially my man, you would know what he said. Oh yes, the titty bar. He wanted to go to the strip club. I don't have a problem with it, I've let him go plenty of time with his friends and I even went with them once before. But this time it was just Noah and I, so it was a little different. Noah can thank the beer, because I was pretty drunk and very happy to give him what he wanted. And yes, I gave him what he wanted, lots of it....hehe.
When we first got there, we overheard someone over one of the bouncer's radios say that someone was jerking off in the bathroom! We knew right then this was gonna make for an interesting evening. So we paid the cover, and went inside. We had to stand for a bit before getting a table, but we finally got to sit down. After about 10 mins of just sitting there and watchin the dancer on stage, I decided to get something going.
The was a woman in the corner where the girls walked out from, and I could tell that she was the "momma hen", or atleast that's what I called her. I could tell she watched over the girls. So I walked up to her and told her that it was my husbands birthday, and I wanted him to have a good time. I said the girls would get paid (so she didn't think I was pullin the freebee birthday thing), and that I wanted to know if she could help me make sure he had a good time. She reasured me that he would have a great time. So I sat back down. Not more than 3 minutes later, a really beautiful woman walked up and began to give Noah a dollar dance. Oh, he was loving it. After she was done grinding her breasts in his face, she walked over to me and began to give me a dance also. I figured "hell, Noah will love it" and I didn't mind it at all. I appreciate a nice woman's body as much as he does, I'm just a little insecure about my own. I could tell he throughly enjoyed watching. After that was over, and he basked in his glory for a while, I told him to go up to the stage. A seat opened up, and I wanted him to get the 'full view'. He went up there for about 10 minutes, and watched the girls dance. I was happy to sit back and watch him enjoying himself.
You see, the good thing about Noah is that he doesn't make me feel like these girls are better than me. We both understand that they are there to turn people on, that is their job, and they're good at it. So why not enjoy them at work, then go home and enjoy 'us' at work..hehe
Well, a few beers later, I decided it was time to turn up the heat. I asked Noah which girls he liked the most. He told me he liked the first girl that gave him a dollar dance, and this other girl wearing a long shear robe. I really liked the girl with the robe better, and decided to ask her for a dance. She came up to Noah, and gave him a dollar dance, and then she gave me one also. Before she was finished, I whispered in her ear "I can't leave here without you giving my ole man a private dance, and I wanna watch". She looked very happy to do it, and I told her to come back when she was ready. She came back a few minutes later, but didn't rush to the back room. She sat down in front of me, and told me how tired she was. I told her to just relax, and she rested her head on my lap. I brushed her hair and rubbed her neck and her back softly. Noah looked jealous! I could understand that this girl was tired, and she probably enjoyed someone just giving her a break and a little rub instead of grabbing her tits and ass. She got up and proceeded to take us to the back. I decided to give Noah a final bang for the night, so I sat in the chair to get my own private dance first. Noah sat in another chair and watched. That girl grinded up on me and rubbed her pierced breasts in my face, the whole shabang! Noah told me later just exactly how much that turned him on. When she was done with me, she took Noah into the chair and gave him all she had. Grinding all over his manhood, rubbing her soft skin on his face (and she smelled good, too). Oh he had so much fun. I'm still hearing about it. He loved watching me first, then him getting a taste. I know he's praying for a threesome (keep prayin, honey! maybe when we're 40).
I know I'm gonna hear about that night for a while. That's okay, I enjoyed myself too. I'm just glad we can both do it together without all the jealousy bullshit.
I'm sorry to cut this short, but my Noah is in need so I have to go. I just had to update on what was going on and I could not leave that part out. Maybe I'll get more detailed about it later! It was fun fun fun! Must go, so be back soon!
Ta Ta For Now!

Friday, October 25, 2002

The Not So Busy, Busy Me
I miss my quiet days of feeling like shit..........not!
I've spent the last couple of days taking care of JR at his house. Makin sure he has meals, medication, and helping him to the potty (and yes, he wipes all on his own). I'll have to blog more about this later. Kinda busy.
Until then, check out this article. Don't know what to think about it. Something about a suit a bunch of the sept 11 families are bringing against saudi arabia for their part in the attacks, and the government might stop it.
U.S. May Ask Court to Dismiss a $1 Trillion Suit Linking Saudis to Al Qaeda and 9/11

Ta Ta For Now

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Happy Birthday Noah
Today, Noah is 24 years old. He thinks he's ancient. Poor Noah is getting old. I guess he must be. As soon as we got home tonight, the first thing he did was lay down on the couch and fall asleep. I figured he'd expect a whole night of weird sexual favors or something, but oh no, he had to go to sleep. Poor old Noah.

Yes Sir, May I Have Another?
They are talking about letting JR out of the hopital after dinner tonight, but he's in a bunch of pain. He is not a whiner, so I know when he doesn't want to move it's because it really hurts. They already had him up once walking, but that is what caused him to be in so much pain today. He doens't want to have to do it again, but they are gonna force him to walk before they let him out.
I'm afraid that he's gonna get out and get drunk because it's been a few days, and think he can walk without his brace or walker, and end up hurting himself worse. I made arrangements to spend the days with him and my mom is gonna spend the nights. I just want to make sure someone is there to get him what he needs so he doesn't have to strain himself, and also to keep him safe. If we can't keep him drink-free, we can atleast keep him safe when he does drink. The whole drinking vs. pain killers thing worries me, maybe I'll just tell him if he is gonna drink that he isn't gonna get any pain medication 'cause he's already medicating himself.
I've had my biological father, Al, call me the past two nights in a row, telling me that I'm not legally tied to JR, so if something happens to him, what I want and my opinions don't mean shit. I'm sure he called the second night because the first night he was so drunk he doesn't remember what he said. Oh joy. I love getting told how worthless I am to that family if JR isn't concious. I still don't understand why he called me and told me that. At first it sounded like an inheritance thing, but when I told him I didn't care about inheritance and I just accepted the fact that his kids are gonna have right to everything, he changed it to "if he became incompacitated". Well, first off, there is no Living Will, so even if he does, nobody is really gonna be able to say anything anyways. And secondly, if their is a choice to be made, I'm sure as hell not going to put myself in the position to solely make that decision. Even if I was in that position, I would consult the rest of the family before doing anything. Al told me to broach the subject with JR in 'casual conversation'. How in the hell do you do that? "Hey, I just wanted to talk about how I can become legally tied to you in case the event something happened?" Or better yet, "Will you make me the one who gets to make all the important decisions?" or "Am I in your will?". I know I'm sounding cold hearted, but the second I bring up anything like this, no matter how 'nicely' I word it, the rest of his side of the family is gonna think that I'm a greedy bitch.
I know Jimmy and Shiela don't believe that Lana and I or entitled to anything, especially since our biological father came in the picture around the time I was 17. But is that supposed to suddenly erase JR from raising us all those years??
I just try not to think about JR dying as much as I can. If he does die, I guess everything will happen as it's supposed to. Jimmy and Shiela have been fighting the stuff that they get when he dies for years now, and he's not even dead yet. I don't want to put myself in that pathetic position. It truely discusts me, and thats why I can't imagine doing such a thing.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Do you want to know why you have to deal with it?

Just because.

Bobby
This is why death is hard for me right now. These are things i wrote while Bobby was in the hopital, and after Bobby died. The times are written above each writing. Bobby went into the hopital on Jan 9th, and died on Jan 16th.

1/10/97
Broken down, I fade away,
No reason in this world to stay,
Bits and pieces fly apart,
Screams inside my shattered heart,
This need I feel I cannot hide,
The reason why I have not died,
And now I turn my head to run,
Before I grab the fucking gun,
While bleed is all I ever do,
One last time, I bleed for you.

1/11/97

I avoided the hospital all day today. It's too much to see you there, dying. In fact, I spent all day in bed sleeping. Maybe I'm hoping I'll wake up and you'll be all better. Well, when I woke up tonight it was from my sister telling me Derek was here. When I went into the living room, I saw Derek, Shannon, and Ray. They told me that your lung collapsed at 1:00am this morning, but the doctor said you're doing better than you have all weekend. Charity told Ray to tell me to come up to the hospital. I told Ray to tell her that I won't come up there. Ray also took your ticket because Charity said something about it. I don't know when I'll be able to go back to the hospital. I can't stand to be away from you for too long, so sooner or later I'll have to face my fears.

1/12/97

It's Tuesday night. I'm spending the night at the hospital with Charity, Ray, Cindy, and Rob. I got to see you for the 9 and 11pm visits. I hear your getting better, but your mom keeps pointing out all the bad things. She says your in septic shock from the move from Broadlawns to Methodist. And if you go deeper in this shock, we'll need a miracle to bring you back. I don't want to heat that. When I was with you, I stood at your side and held your hand. Charity didn't mind that I held your hand and rubbed your arm because your mom told me to. I wanted to anyway, but that basically gave me permission to do it. I asked you questions to see if you would respond, and you squeezed my hand. It almost brought tears to my eyes because you knew it was me standing there holding your hand. Even if you don't remember it, I know it will help you fight. You have to fight. I couldn't bear to lose you now. Not when your so close to pulling through. I had to deal with Ray and Charity's parents last night. They threatened to call the cops on me if I didn't stay and watch the girls. They said I could get into trouble for having the ticket and Charity's food stamps. And they pointed the finger at me telling me the crank I gave you made your lung fill up with fluid. They don't understand how that made me feel. I felt like it would be my fault if didn't make it. Your mom told me today that they are just trying to find someone to blame. That still doesn't give them the right to point the finger at me. It's already hard to deal with as it is without people pointing the finger at me saying, "she hid the ticket...She gave him the drugs". No one understands why I don't want to come up to the hospital. If they would let me, I would spend every waking minute by your side, but I can't. I hope and pray I'm there when you wake up.
I want to wrap my arms around you and let you know I was there every second waiting for you. I watched Tessa and Tiffany today until Ray went to work at 5. Alan's still making moves on me, but as long as I'm not alone with him, he's harmless. I miss having you around. Touching your skin, running my fingers through your hair. God, Bobby, you better make it. I don't know what I'd do without you around. I think Charity and I are getting along better than before, maybe because we want to be strong for you instead of fighting. Rays still trying to get in my pants. I told him I'm waiting for you. I just can't because it's too painful to do that to you while your in the hospital. Believe it or not, I really do care about you. I know what love is. Keith made me a tape to listen to. He's my sister Lana's boyfriend. They understand how hard this is for me. I had to go through this before with Lana when she overdosed. I almost lost my sister, just like I almost lost you. You're pulling out of it though, and thank God for that. I think I'll wake up tomorrow for the 7am visit. Maybe I could catch you by yourself before everyone else woke up. I want to kiss you. Maybe somehow you'll know it's me. I think you can sense I'm there when I hold your hand and talk to you. But I better end this before the lights get any dimmer. I really care about you, and I'll help you fight with everything in me to get through this.
-------
Bobby died on Thursday, January 16, 1997 due to complications of pneumonia. The letters were written in hopes he will someday read them. He was buried at Highland Memorial Gardens Cemetery. 'Stairway to Heaven' by Led Zepplin and 'Don't Cry' by Guns 'N Roses were played during the funeral service. Brian Moffit was his lifelong best friend, and we cried in each other arms at the funeral. I hope I was good comfort for him, and he was for me through Bobby's death.

I held your hand,
Did you know I was there?
Waiting for you with hope and a prayer,
If God didn't take you,
I surely would,
Back into my arms,
If only you could,
I wanted to hold you,
Oh, I wished you were mine,
Yet somehow you were in our own secret time,
I cried and I whispered as he took you away,
You are locked in my memory,
With my heart you will stay.

Distant Memories fall to sleep,
As I wait for death to dream,
A clouded figure appears in his place,
And I lose the breath to scream,
I stand in the darkness, alone and afraid,
As I wait for the shadow to form,
Never the blue eyes that fog through my brain,
Just the sharp, shallow glare of the storm.

4/6/97

As I reached for the petal from the rose on his grave,
I would give all the world for his love that I crave,
It's hard to believe his sweet smile is gone,
Snatched from my life like the stars in the dawn,
I watched his bright start softly twinkle and fade,
And the knife in my heart cut worse than a blade,
For one final time, I kissed his warm head,
But the pale skin I touched was painfully dead,
I made him a promise from deep in my heart,
I'll never forget him while we are apart,
I know I can't claim that which never was mine,
But for his love, I'd commit such a crime,
Another girl did claim the love in his heart,
but a love so impure that it ripped him apart,
She may have his children with his deep blue eyes,
but love isn't made with manipulative lies,
Only three months we shared what love could create,
Now I know and regret, I was a lifetime too late,
I have nothing to hold and remember his face,
So I keep cherished memories in some deep inner place,
It's hard to realize that loves not only lies,
And then watch it all crumble as the one you love dies,
But he knows that I'll miss him and feel he's still there,
His blue eyes protect me and the bond that we share.

4/13/97

Sweet, mythical words from a slow, distorted song,
And alone without your love my heart reaches on and on,
I pass away into the night with dreams I can't explain,
And just to brush you with my fingertips is a need I can't contain,
Unable to grab the wind as it breezes on by,
Someday I'll explain to my heart I need to let you die.

Tonight I drink myself silly
I keep looking at shit like this and this. It's driving me crazy thinking about JR with cancer. How bad is it? Are they gonna put a limit on his life?

Monday, October 21, 2002

Is This All You Got?
You better ask yourself that question, cause I know I do all the time. Especially when I'm feeling like shit and want to say "fuck the world". This is your stage, ready for you. Everything is pounding, just waiting for you to explode. And what are doing? Are you ready? Are you taking this life, this opportunity that you have? What if it is the only opportunity that you have? What if this is the only life that you have, your only conciousness, your only chance to express who you are and what you have inside. Are you gonna sit there with your tail between your legs? Are you gonna rush at it with all you have? Quit saying "it's life" because it's your fucking life! You're young, you're ready. Fuck the excuses, you know if you blow it that it's your own fault. You have it in you, if you want to have it.
Do you want it?
Really?
Fucking prove it!