There is a bloated animal cracker floating in a bowl of water in my sink.
Time of Death: Unknown
Cause of Death: Suicide
Reason: I'm guess it didn't want to have it's head bitten off piece by piece by an 11 month old.
Survived By: His cousin's, Jimmy the Girafe, Tommy the Lion, Ezekel the Elephant, and his sister, name unknown. She looks like a cow of some sort, maybe a buffalo.
Thursday, October 31, 2002
I'm really getting tired of this. I don't want to go this morning. One thing I'm beginning to learn about older people, is that if you take too good care of them they begin to act more needy. I'll explain all later. Have to go sit and pray that I get to watch a show all the way through. JR is the worst channel surfer in the world.
Monday, October 28, 2002
Happy Halloween!!
I carved me a pumpkin tonight! Had me tons of fun! Check it out Here. I've been in a really good mood lately. Just been taking care of JR. Mikayla have been having tons of fun with him. She takes her naps on his lap, and he loves it. I'm so glad that she isn't crying around him anymore. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that he doesn't have nasty liquor breath.
JR told me that he's done with drinking. I'm crossing my fingers! I think this scare with cancer (lets hope it's just a scare) has really given him a dose of reality. I don't think he wants to spend the rest of his life oblivious to the world, he just never had a good enough reason to stop. I'm hoping this is a good enough reason. He hasn't drank in over a week, so there is hope.
I'll be taking care of JR for the rest of the week, and I have to take him to an appointment next Monday. That is when he will see the doctor about his possibly cancerous kidney. He had a doctor tell him that he's pretty confident that it is cancer, but this appointment will let us know for sure. JR is doing pretty good at getting around with his walker, but I think he keeps me around because he enjoys the company. I enjoy it, too. I'm glad he's getting to spend so much time with Mikayla. I was always afraid that she wouldn't know him because he drank all the time. I'm hoping this turns out to be a good thing that happened. I mean, if something good can come out of this accident, it's going to be him finding the cancer early and him being able to kick his drinking. He might need more help with the drinking though. Once this all clears up, I'm afraid he's gonna go back. Hopefully this experience shows him what he would be missing.
I will try to keep this updated. With spending my days at JR's and my nights with Noah, it's kinda tough, but I'll squeeze it in. I need somewhere to vent, and this is the perfect place.
For Noah's Birthday.....hehe
OK, I can't leave this part out. This last weekend Noah and I decided to spend Saturday for him, for his birthday. I told him that we can do anything that he wants, and I wasn't lying. We took Mikayla to his parents for the night, and started off the day by going to a local arcade. He likes playing games, and we figured that would be a good way to start off the day. It was a nickle arcade, so the games were really cheap. They had pool tables too, and only 40 cents a game! So we stayed there for about 3 hours, and then took off to go to this ska concert that he wanted to go to. When we got there, we realized it was really small and filled with tons of gothic 16 year olds. We were totally out of place, so we decided just to go check out this sports bar that has really good drinks. When we got there, we realized they were gonna have a band, so we stayed for to listen. The band was Flipside, and they were pretty cool. Well, atleast until after the first break, then it turned to mushy songs and I don't think either of us were in the mood for mushy. So I asked Noah what he wanted to do. And if you know men, especially my man, you would know what he said. Oh yes, the titty bar. He wanted to go to the strip club. I don't have a problem with it, I've let him go plenty of time with his friends and I even went with them once before. But this time it was just Noah and I, so it was a little different. Noah can thank the beer, because I was pretty drunk and very happy to give him what he wanted. And yes, I gave him what he wanted, lots of it....hehe.
When we first got there, we overheard someone over one of the bouncer's radios say that someone was jerking off in the bathroom! We knew right then this was gonna make for an interesting evening. So we paid the cover, and went inside. We had to stand for a bit before getting a table, but we finally got to sit down. After about 10 mins of just sitting there and watchin the dancer on stage, I decided to get something going.
The was a woman in the corner where the girls walked out from, and I could tell that she was the "momma hen", or atleast that's what I called her. I could tell she watched over the girls. So I walked up to her and told her that it was my husbands birthday, and I wanted him to have a good time. I said the girls would get paid (so she didn't think I was pullin the freebee birthday thing), and that I wanted to know if she could help me make sure he had a good time. She reasured me that he would have a great time. So I sat back down. Not more than 3 minutes later, a really beautiful woman walked up and began to give Noah a dollar dance. Oh, he was loving it. After she was done grinding her breasts in his face, she walked over to me and began to give me a dance also. I figured "hell, Noah will love it" and I didn't mind it at all. I appreciate a nice woman's body as much as he does, I'm just a little insecure about my own. I could tell he throughly enjoyed watching. After that was over, and he basked in his glory for a while, I told him to go up to the stage. A seat opened up, and I wanted him to get the 'full view'. He went up there for about 10 minutes, and watched the girls dance. I was happy to sit back and watch him enjoying himself.
You see, the good thing about Noah is that he doesn't make me feel like these girls are better than me. We both understand that they are there to turn people on, that is their job, and they're good at it. So why not enjoy them at work, then go home and enjoy 'us' at work..hehe
Well, a few beers later, I decided it was time to turn up the heat. I asked Noah which girls he liked the most. He told me he liked the first girl that gave him a dollar dance, and this other girl wearing a long shear robe. I really liked the girl with the robe better, and decided to ask her for a dance. She came up to Noah, and gave him a dollar dance, and then she gave me one also. Before she was finished, I whispered in her ear "I can't leave here without you giving my ole man a private dance, and I wanna watch". She looked very happy to do it, and I told her to come back when she was ready. She came back a few minutes later, but didn't rush to the back room. She sat down in front of me, and told me how tired she was. I told her to just relax, and she rested her head on my lap. I brushed her hair and rubbed her neck and her back softly. Noah looked jealous! I could understand that this girl was tired, and she probably enjoyed someone just giving her a break and a little rub instead of grabbing her tits and ass. She got up and proceeded to take us to the back. I decided to give Noah a final bang for the night, so I sat in the chair to get my own private dance first. Noah sat in another chair and watched. That girl grinded up on me and rubbed her pierced breasts in my face, the whole shabang! Noah told me later just exactly how much that turned him on. When she was done with me, she took Noah into the chair and gave him all she had. Grinding all over his manhood, rubbing her soft skin on his face (and she smelled good, too). Oh he had so much fun. I'm still hearing about it. He loved watching me first, then him getting a taste. I know he's praying for a threesome (keep prayin, honey! maybe when we're 40).
I know I'm gonna hear about that night for a while. That's okay, I enjoyed myself too. I'm just glad we can both do it together without all the jealousy bullshit.
I'm sorry to cut this short, but my Noah is in need so I have to go. I just had to update on what was going on and I could not leave that part out. Maybe I'll get more detailed about it later! It was fun fun fun! Must go, so be back soon!
Ta Ta For Now!
I carved me a pumpkin tonight! Had me tons of fun! Check it out Here. I've been in a really good mood lately. Just been taking care of JR. Mikayla have been having tons of fun with him. She takes her naps on his lap, and he loves it. I'm so glad that she isn't crying around him anymore. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that he doesn't have nasty liquor breath.
JR told me that he's done with drinking. I'm crossing my fingers! I think this scare with cancer (lets hope it's just a scare) has really given him a dose of reality. I don't think he wants to spend the rest of his life oblivious to the world, he just never had a good enough reason to stop. I'm hoping this is a good enough reason. He hasn't drank in over a week, so there is hope.
I'll be taking care of JR for the rest of the week, and I have to take him to an appointment next Monday. That is when he will see the doctor about his possibly cancerous kidney. He had a doctor tell him that he's pretty confident that it is cancer, but this appointment will let us know for sure. JR is doing pretty good at getting around with his walker, but I think he keeps me around because he enjoys the company. I enjoy it, too. I'm glad he's getting to spend so much time with Mikayla. I was always afraid that she wouldn't know him because he drank all the time. I'm hoping this turns out to be a good thing that happened. I mean, if something good can come out of this accident, it's going to be him finding the cancer early and him being able to kick his drinking. He might need more help with the drinking though. Once this all clears up, I'm afraid he's gonna go back. Hopefully this experience shows him what he would be missing.
I will try to keep this updated. With spending my days at JR's and my nights with Noah, it's kinda tough, but I'll squeeze it in. I need somewhere to vent, and this is the perfect place.
For Noah's Birthday.....hehe
OK, I can't leave this part out. This last weekend Noah and I decided to spend Saturday for him, for his birthday. I told him that we can do anything that he wants, and I wasn't lying. We took Mikayla to his parents for the night, and started off the day by going to a local arcade. He likes playing games, and we figured that would be a good way to start off the day. It was a nickle arcade, so the games were really cheap. They had pool tables too, and only 40 cents a game! So we stayed there for about 3 hours, and then took off to go to this ska concert that he wanted to go to. When we got there, we realized it was really small and filled with tons of gothic 16 year olds. We were totally out of place, so we decided just to go check out this sports bar that has really good drinks. When we got there, we realized they were gonna have a band, so we stayed for to listen. The band was Flipside, and they were pretty cool. Well, atleast until after the first break, then it turned to mushy songs and I don't think either of us were in the mood for mushy. So I asked Noah what he wanted to do. And if you know men, especially my man, you would know what he said. Oh yes, the titty bar. He wanted to go to the strip club. I don't have a problem with it, I've let him go plenty of time with his friends and I even went with them once before. But this time it was just Noah and I, so it was a little different. Noah can thank the beer, because I was pretty drunk and very happy to give him what he wanted. And yes, I gave him what he wanted, lots of it....hehe.
When we first got there, we overheard someone over one of the bouncer's radios say that someone was jerking off in the bathroom! We knew right then this was gonna make for an interesting evening. So we paid the cover, and went inside. We had to stand for a bit before getting a table, but we finally got to sit down. After about 10 mins of just sitting there and watchin the dancer on stage, I decided to get something going.
The was a woman in the corner where the girls walked out from, and I could tell that she was the "momma hen", or atleast that's what I called her. I could tell she watched over the girls. So I walked up to her and told her that it was my husbands birthday, and I wanted him to have a good time. I said the girls would get paid (so she didn't think I was pullin the freebee birthday thing), and that I wanted to know if she could help me make sure he had a good time. She reasured me that he would have a great time. So I sat back down. Not more than 3 minutes later, a really beautiful woman walked up and began to give Noah a dollar dance. Oh, he was loving it. After she was done grinding her breasts in his face, she walked over to me and began to give me a dance also. I figured "hell, Noah will love it" and I didn't mind it at all. I appreciate a nice woman's body as much as he does, I'm just a little insecure about my own. I could tell he throughly enjoyed watching. After that was over, and he basked in his glory for a while, I told him to go up to the stage. A seat opened up, and I wanted him to get the 'full view'. He went up there for about 10 minutes, and watched the girls dance. I was happy to sit back and watch him enjoying himself.
You see, the good thing about Noah is that he doesn't make me feel like these girls are better than me. We both understand that they are there to turn people on, that is their job, and they're good at it. So why not enjoy them at work, then go home and enjoy 'us' at work..hehe
Well, a few beers later, I decided it was time to turn up the heat. I asked Noah which girls he liked the most. He told me he liked the first girl that gave him a dollar dance, and this other girl wearing a long shear robe. I really liked the girl with the robe better, and decided to ask her for a dance. She came up to Noah, and gave him a dollar dance, and then she gave me one also. Before she was finished, I whispered in her ear "I can't leave here without you giving my ole man a private dance, and I wanna watch". She looked very happy to do it, and I told her to come back when she was ready. She came back a few minutes later, but didn't rush to the back room. She sat down in front of me, and told me how tired she was. I told her to just relax, and she rested her head on my lap. I brushed her hair and rubbed her neck and her back softly. Noah looked jealous! I could understand that this girl was tired, and she probably enjoyed someone just giving her a break and a little rub instead of grabbing her tits and ass. She got up and proceeded to take us to the back. I decided to give Noah a final bang for the night, so I sat in the chair to get my own private dance first. Noah sat in another chair and watched. That girl grinded up on me and rubbed her pierced breasts in my face, the whole shabang! Noah told me later just exactly how much that turned him on. When she was done with me, she took Noah into the chair and gave him all she had. Grinding all over his manhood, rubbing her soft skin on his face (and she smelled good, too). Oh he had so much fun. I'm still hearing about it. He loved watching me first, then him getting a taste. I know he's praying for a threesome (keep prayin, honey! maybe when we're 40).
I know I'm gonna hear about that night for a while. That's okay, I enjoyed myself too. I'm just glad we can both do it together without all the jealousy bullshit.
I'm sorry to cut this short, but my Noah is in need so I have to go. I just had to update on what was going on and I could not leave that part out. Maybe I'll get more detailed about it later! It was fun fun fun! Must go, so be back soon!
Ta Ta For Now!
Friday, October 25, 2002
The Not So Busy, Busy Me
I miss my quiet days of feeling like shit..........not!
I've spent the last couple of days taking care of JR at his house. Makin sure he has meals, medication, and helping him to the potty (and yes, he wipes all on his own). I'll have to blog more about this later. Kinda busy.
Until then, check out this article. Don't know what to think about it. Something about a suit a bunch of the sept 11 families are bringing against saudi arabia for their part in the attacks, and the government might stop it.
U.S. May Ask Court to Dismiss a $1 Trillion Suit Linking Saudis to Al Qaeda and 9/11
Ta Ta For Now
I miss my quiet days of feeling like shit..........not!
I've spent the last couple of days taking care of JR at his house. Makin sure he has meals, medication, and helping him to the potty (and yes, he wipes all on his own). I'll have to blog more about this later. Kinda busy.
Until then, check out this article. Don't know what to think about it. Something about a suit a bunch of the sept 11 families are bringing against saudi arabia for their part in the attacks, and the government might stop it.
U.S. May Ask Court to Dismiss a $1 Trillion Suit Linking Saudis to Al Qaeda and 9/11
Ta Ta For Now
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
Happy Birthday Noah
Today, Noah is 24 years old. He thinks he's ancient. Poor Noah is getting old. I guess he must be. As soon as we got home tonight, the first thing he did was lay down on the couch and fall asleep. I figured he'd expect a whole night of weird sexual favors or something, but oh no, he had to go to sleep. Poor old Noah.
Today, Noah is 24 years old. He thinks he's ancient. Poor Noah is getting old. I guess he must be. As soon as we got home tonight, the first thing he did was lay down on the couch and fall asleep. I figured he'd expect a whole night of weird sexual favors or something, but oh no, he had to go to sleep. Poor old Noah.
Yes Sir, May I Have Another?
They are talking about letting JR out of the hopital after dinner tonight, but he's in a bunch of pain. He is not a whiner, so I know when he doesn't want to move it's because it really hurts. They already had him up once walking, but that is what caused him to be in so much pain today. He doens't want to have to do it again, but they are gonna force him to walk before they let him out.
I'm afraid that he's gonna get out and get drunk because it's been a few days, and think he can walk without his brace or walker, and end up hurting himself worse. I made arrangements to spend the days with him and my mom is gonna spend the nights. I just want to make sure someone is there to get him what he needs so he doesn't have to strain himself, and also to keep him safe. If we can't keep him drink-free, we can atleast keep him safe when he does drink. The whole drinking vs. pain killers thing worries me, maybe I'll just tell him if he is gonna drink that he isn't gonna get any pain medication 'cause he's already medicating himself.
I've had my biological father, Al, call me the past two nights in a row, telling me that I'm not legally tied to JR, so if something happens to him, what I want and my opinions don't mean shit. I'm sure he called the second night because the first night he was so drunk he doesn't remember what he said. Oh joy. I love getting told how worthless I am to that family if JR isn't concious. I still don't understand why he called me and told me that. At first it sounded like an inheritance thing, but when I told him I didn't care about inheritance and I just accepted the fact that his kids are gonna have right to everything, he changed it to "if he became incompacitated". Well, first off, there is no Living Will, so even if he does, nobody is really gonna be able to say anything anyways. And secondly, if their is a choice to be made, I'm sure as hell not going to put myself in the position to solely make that decision. Even if I was in that position, I would consult the rest of the family before doing anything. Al told me to broach the subject with JR in 'casual conversation'. How in the hell do you do that? "Hey, I just wanted to talk about how I can become legally tied to you in case the event something happened?" Or better yet, "Will you make me the one who gets to make all the important decisions?" or "Am I in your will?". I know I'm sounding cold hearted, but the second I bring up anything like this, no matter how 'nicely' I word it, the rest of his side of the family is gonna think that I'm a greedy bitch.
I know Jimmy and Shiela don't believe that Lana and I or entitled to anything, especially since our biological father came in the picture around the time I was 17. But is that supposed to suddenly erase JR from raising us all those years??
I just try not to think about JR dying as much as I can. If he does die, I guess everything will happen as it's supposed to. Jimmy and Shiela have been fighting the stuff that they get when he dies for years now, and he's not even dead yet. I don't want to put myself in that pathetic position. It truely discusts me, and thats why I can't imagine doing such a thing.
They are talking about letting JR out of the hopital after dinner tonight, but he's in a bunch of pain. He is not a whiner, so I know when he doesn't want to move it's because it really hurts. They already had him up once walking, but that is what caused him to be in so much pain today. He doens't want to have to do it again, but they are gonna force him to walk before they let him out.
I'm afraid that he's gonna get out and get drunk because it's been a few days, and think he can walk without his brace or walker, and end up hurting himself worse. I made arrangements to spend the days with him and my mom is gonna spend the nights. I just want to make sure someone is there to get him what he needs so he doesn't have to strain himself, and also to keep him safe. If we can't keep him drink-free, we can atleast keep him safe when he does drink. The whole drinking vs. pain killers thing worries me, maybe I'll just tell him if he is gonna drink that he isn't gonna get any pain medication 'cause he's already medicating himself.
I've had my biological father, Al, call me the past two nights in a row, telling me that I'm not legally tied to JR, so if something happens to him, what I want and my opinions don't mean shit. I'm sure he called the second night because the first night he was so drunk he doesn't remember what he said. Oh joy. I love getting told how worthless I am to that family if JR isn't concious. I still don't understand why he called me and told me that. At first it sounded like an inheritance thing, but when I told him I didn't care about inheritance and I just accepted the fact that his kids are gonna have right to everything, he changed it to "if he became incompacitated". Well, first off, there is no Living Will, so even if he does, nobody is really gonna be able to say anything anyways. And secondly, if their is a choice to be made, I'm sure as hell not going to put myself in the position to solely make that decision. Even if I was in that position, I would consult the rest of the family before doing anything. Al told me to broach the subject with JR in 'casual conversation'. How in the hell do you do that? "Hey, I just wanted to talk about how I can become legally tied to you in case the event something happened?" Or better yet, "Will you make me the one who gets to make all the important decisions?" or "Am I in your will?". I know I'm sounding cold hearted, but the second I bring up anything like this, no matter how 'nicely' I word it, the rest of his side of the family is gonna think that I'm a greedy bitch.
I know Jimmy and Shiela don't believe that Lana and I or entitled to anything, especially since our biological father came in the picture around the time I was 17. But is that supposed to suddenly erase JR from raising us all those years??
I just try not to think about JR dying as much as I can. If he does die, I guess everything will happen as it's supposed to. Jimmy and Shiela have been fighting the stuff that they get when he dies for years now, and he's not even dead yet. I don't want to put myself in that pathetic position. It truely discusts me, and thats why I can't imagine doing such a thing.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
Bobby
This is why death is hard for me right now. These are things i wrote while Bobby was in the hopital, and after Bobby died. The times are written above each writing. Bobby went into the hopital on Jan 9th, and died on Jan 16th.
1/10/97
Broken down, I fade away,
No reason in this world to stay,
Bits and pieces fly apart,
Screams inside my shattered heart,
This need I feel I cannot hide,
The reason why I have not died,
And now I turn my head to run,
Before I grab the fucking gun,
While bleed is all I ever do,
One last time, I bleed for you.
1/11/97
I avoided the hospital all day today. It's too much to see you there, dying. In fact, I spent all day in bed sleeping. Maybe I'm hoping I'll wake up and you'll be all better. Well, when I woke up tonight it was from my sister telling me Derek was here. When I went into the living room, I saw Derek, Shannon, and Ray. They told me that your lung collapsed at 1:00am this morning, but the doctor said you're doing better than you have all weekend. Charity told Ray to tell me to come up to the hospital. I told Ray to tell her that I won't come up there. Ray also took your ticket because Charity said something about it. I don't know when I'll be able to go back to the hospital. I can't stand to be away from you for too long, so sooner or later I'll have to face my fears.
1/12/97
It's Tuesday night. I'm spending the night at the hospital with Charity, Ray, Cindy, and Rob. I got to see you for the 9 and 11pm visits. I hear your getting better, but your mom keeps pointing out all the bad things. She says your in septic shock from the move from Broadlawns to Methodist. And if you go deeper in this shock, we'll need a miracle to bring you back. I don't want to heat that. When I was with you, I stood at your side and held your hand. Charity didn't mind that I held your hand and rubbed your arm because your mom told me to. I wanted to anyway, but that basically gave me permission to do it. I asked you questions to see if you would respond, and you squeezed my hand. It almost brought tears to my eyes because you knew it was me standing there holding your hand. Even if you don't remember it, I know it will help you fight. You have to fight. I couldn't bear to lose you now. Not when your so close to pulling through. I had to deal with Ray and Charity's parents last night. They threatened to call the cops on me if I didn't stay and watch the girls. They said I could get into trouble for having the ticket and Charity's food stamps. And they pointed the finger at me telling me the crank I gave you made your lung fill up with fluid. They don't understand how that made me feel. I felt like it would be my fault if didn't make it. Your mom told me today that they are just trying to find someone to blame. That still doesn't give them the right to point the finger at me. It's already hard to deal with as it is without people pointing the finger at me saying, "she hid the ticket...She gave him the drugs". No one understands why I don't want to come up to the hospital. If they would let me, I would spend every waking minute by your side, but I can't. I hope and pray I'm there when you wake up.
I want to wrap my arms around you and let you know I was there every second waiting for you. I watched Tessa and Tiffany today until Ray went to work at 5. Alan's still making moves on me, but as long as I'm not alone with him, he's harmless. I miss having you around. Touching your skin, running my fingers through your hair. God, Bobby, you better make it. I don't know what I'd do without you around. I think Charity and I are getting along better than before, maybe because we want to be strong for you instead of fighting. Rays still trying to get in my pants. I told him I'm waiting for you. I just can't because it's too painful to do that to you while your in the hospital. Believe it or not, I really do care about you. I know what love is. Keith made me a tape to listen to. He's my sister Lana's boyfriend. They understand how hard this is for me. I had to go through this before with Lana when she overdosed. I almost lost my sister, just like I almost lost you. You're pulling out of it though, and thank God for that. I think I'll wake up tomorrow for the 7am visit. Maybe I could catch you by yourself before everyone else woke up. I want to kiss you. Maybe somehow you'll know it's me. I think you can sense I'm there when I hold your hand and talk to you. But I better end this before the lights get any dimmer. I really care about you, and I'll help you fight with everything in me to get through this.
-------
Bobby died on Thursday, January 16, 1997 due to complications of pneumonia. The letters were written in hopes he will someday read them. He was buried at Highland Memorial Gardens Cemetery. 'Stairway to Heaven' by Led Zepplin and 'Don't Cry' by Guns 'N Roses were played during the funeral service. Brian Moffit was his lifelong best friend, and we cried in each other arms at the funeral. I hope I was good comfort for him, and he was for me through Bobby's death.
I held your hand,
Did you know I was there?
Waiting for you with hope and a prayer,
If God didn't take you,
I surely would,
Back into my arms,
If only you could,
I wanted to hold you,
Oh, I wished you were mine,
Yet somehow you were in our own secret time,
I cried and I whispered as he took you away,
You are locked in my memory,
With my heart you will stay.
Distant Memories fall to sleep,
As I wait for death to dream,
A clouded figure appears in his place,
And I lose the breath to scream,
I stand in the darkness, alone and afraid,
As I wait for the shadow to form,
Never the blue eyes that fog through my brain,
Just the sharp, shallow glare of the storm.
4/6/97
As I reached for the petal from the rose on his grave,
I would give all the world for his love that I crave,
It's hard to believe his sweet smile is gone,
Snatched from my life like the stars in the dawn,
I watched his bright start softly twinkle and fade,
And the knife in my heart cut worse than a blade,
For one final time, I kissed his warm head,
But the pale skin I touched was painfully dead,
I made him a promise from deep in my heart,
I'll never forget him while we are apart,
I know I can't claim that which never was mine,
But for his love, I'd commit such a crime,
Another girl did claim the love in his heart,
but a love so impure that it ripped him apart,
She may have his children with his deep blue eyes,
but love isn't made with manipulative lies,
Only three months we shared what love could create,
Now I know and regret, I was a lifetime too late,
I have nothing to hold and remember his face,
So I keep cherished memories in some deep inner place,
It's hard to realize that loves not only lies,
And then watch it all crumble as the one you love dies,
But he knows that I'll miss him and feel he's still there,
His blue eyes protect me and the bond that we share.
4/13/97
Sweet, mythical words from a slow, distorted song,
And alone without your love my heart reaches on and on,
I pass away into the night with dreams I can't explain,
And just to brush you with my fingertips is a need I can't contain,
Unable to grab the wind as it breezes on by,
Someday I'll explain to my heart I need to let you die.
This is why death is hard for me right now. These are things i wrote while Bobby was in the hopital, and after Bobby died. The times are written above each writing. Bobby went into the hopital on Jan 9th, and died on Jan 16th.
1/10/97
Broken down, I fade away,
No reason in this world to stay,
Bits and pieces fly apart,
Screams inside my shattered heart,
This need I feel I cannot hide,
The reason why I have not died,
And now I turn my head to run,
Before I grab the fucking gun,
While bleed is all I ever do,
One last time, I bleed for you.
1/11/97
I avoided the hospital all day today. It's too much to see you there, dying. In fact, I spent all day in bed sleeping. Maybe I'm hoping I'll wake up and you'll be all better. Well, when I woke up tonight it was from my sister telling me Derek was here. When I went into the living room, I saw Derek, Shannon, and Ray. They told me that your lung collapsed at 1:00am this morning, but the doctor said you're doing better than you have all weekend. Charity told Ray to tell me to come up to the hospital. I told Ray to tell her that I won't come up there. Ray also took your ticket because Charity said something about it. I don't know when I'll be able to go back to the hospital. I can't stand to be away from you for too long, so sooner or later I'll have to face my fears.
1/12/97
It's Tuesday night. I'm spending the night at the hospital with Charity, Ray, Cindy, and Rob. I got to see you for the 9 and 11pm visits. I hear your getting better, but your mom keeps pointing out all the bad things. She says your in septic shock from the move from Broadlawns to Methodist. And if you go deeper in this shock, we'll need a miracle to bring you back. I don't want to heat that. When I was with you, I stood at your side and held your hand. Charity didn't mind that I held your hand and rubbed your arm because your mom told me to. I wanted to anyway, but that basically gave me permission to do it. I asked you questions to see if you would respond, and you squeezed my hand. It almost brought tears to my eyes because you knew it was me standing there holding your hand. Even if you don't remember it, I know it will help you fight. You have to fight. I couldn't bear to lose you now. Not when your so close to pulling through. I had to deal with Ray and Charity's parents last night. They threatened to call the cops on me if I didn't stay and watch the girls. They said I could get into trouble for having the ticket and Charity's food stamps. And they pointed the finger at me telling me the crank I gave you made your lung fill up with fluid. They don't understand how that made me feel. I felt like it would be my fault if didn't make it. Your mom told me today that they are just trying to find someone to blame. That still doesn't give them the right to point the finger at me. It's already hard to deal with as it is without people pointing the finger at me saying, "she hid the ticket...She gave him the drugs". No one understands why I don't want to come up to the hospital. If they would let me, I would spend every waking minute by your side, but I can't. I hope and pray I'm there when you wake up.
I want to wrap my arms around you and let you know I was there every second waiting for you. I watched Tessa and Tiffany today until Ray went to work at 5. Alan's still making moves on me, but as long as I'm not alone with him, he's harmless. I miss having you around. Touching your skin, running my fingers through your hair. God, Bobby, you better make it. I don't know what I'd do without you around. I think Charity and I are getting along better than before, maybe because we want to be strong for you instead of fighting. Rays still trying to get in my pants. I told him I'm waiting for you. I just can't because it's too painful to do that to you while your in the hospital. Believe it or not, I really do care about you. I know what love is. Keith made me a tape to listen to. He's my sister Lana's boyfriend. They understand how hard this is for me. I had to go through this before with Lana when she overdosed. I almost lost my sister, just like I almost lost you. You're pulling out of it though, and thank God for that. I think I'll wake up tomorrow for the 7am visit. Maybe I could catch you by yourself before everyone else woke up. I want to kiss you. Maybe somehow you'll know it's me. I think you can sense I'm there when I hold your hand and talk to you. But I better end this before the lights get any dimmer. I really care about you, and I'll help you fight with everything in me to get through this.
-------
Bobby died on Thursday, January 16, 1997 due to complications of pneumonia. The letters were written in hopes he will someday read them. He was buried at Highland Memorial Gardens Cemetery. 'Stairway to Heaven' by Led Zepplin and 'Don't Cry' by Guns 'N Roses were played during the funeral service. Brian Moffit was his lifelong best friend, and we cried in each other arms at the funeral. I hope I was good comfort for him, and he was for me through Bobby's death.
I held your hand,
Did you know I was there?
Waiting for you with hope and a prayer,
If God didn't take you,
I surely would,
Back into my arms,
If only you could,
I wanted to hold you,
Oh, I wished you were mine,
Yet somehow you were in our own secret time,
I cried and I whispered as he took you away,
You are locked in my memory,
With my heart you will stay.
Distant Memories fall to sleep,
As I wait for death to dream,
A clouded figure appears in his place,
And I lose the breath to scream,
I stand in the darkness, alone and afraid,
As I wait for the shadow to form,
Never the blue eyes that fog through my brain,
Just the sharp, shallow glare of the storm.
4/6/97
As I reached for the petal from the rose on his grave,
I would give all the world for his love that I crave,
It's hard to believe his sweet smile is gone,
Snatched from my life like the stars in the dawn,
I watched his bright start softly twinkle and fade,
And the knife in my heart cut worse than a blade,
For one final time, I kissed his warm head,
But the pale skin I touched was painfully dead,
I made him a promise from deep in my heart,
I'll never forget him while we are apart,
I know I can't claim that which never was mine,
But for his love, I'd commit such a crime,
Another girl did claim the love in his heart,
but a love so impure that it ripped him apart,
She may have his children with his deep blue eyes,
but love isn't made with manipulative lies,
Only three months we shared what love could create,
Now I know and regret, I was a lifetime too late,
I have nothing to hold and remember his face,
So I keep cherished memories in some deep inner place,
It's hard to realize that loves not only lies,
And then watch it all crumble as the one you love dies,
But he knows that I'll miss him and feel he's still there,
His blue eyes protect me and the bond that we share.
4/13/97
Sweet, mythical words from a slow, distorted song,
And alone without your love my heart reaches on and on,
I pass away into the night with dreams I can't explain,
And just to brush you with my fingertips is a need I can't contain,
Unable to grab the wind as it breezes on by,
Someday I'll explain to my heart I need to let you die.
Monday, October 21, 2002
Is This All You Got?
You better ask yourself that question, cause I know I do all the time. Especially when I'm feeling like shit and want to say "fuck the world". This is your stage, ready for you. Everything is pounding, just waiting for you to explode. And what are doing? Are you ready? Are you taking this life, this opportunity that you have? What if it is the only opportunity that you have? What if this is the only life that you have, your only conciousness, your only chance to express who you are and what you have inside. Are you gonna sit there with your tail between your legs? Are you gonna rush at it with all you have? Quit saying "it's life" because it's your fucking life! You're young, you're ready. Fuck the excuses, you know if you blow it that it's your own fault. You have it in you, if you want to have it.
Do you want it?
Really?
Fucking prove it!
You better ask yourself that question, cause I know I do all the time. Especially when I'm feeling like shit and want to say "fuck the world". This is your stage, ready for you. Everything is pounding, just waiting for you to explode. And what are doing? Are you ready? Are you taking this life, this opportunity that you have? What if it is the only opportunity that you have? What if this is the only life that you have, your only conciousness, your only chance to express who you are and what you have inside. Are you gonna sit there with your tail between your legs? Are you gonna rush at it with all you have? Quit saying "it's life" because it's your fucking life! You're young, you're ready. Fuck the excuses, you know if you blow it that it's your own fault. You have it in you, if you want to have it.
Do you want it?
Really?
Fucking prove it!
I want to read the article below, but I have to subscribe and it's atleast 6.95 a month!! Outrageous! I guess thats what the world is coming to, you want good news you have to pay to support the people who will get it.
World Watch Daily: Asia
US says Pakistan gave technology to N Korea
American intelligence officials have concluded that Pakistan, a vital ally since last year's terrorist attacks, was a major supplier of critical equipment for North Korea's newly revealed clandestine nuclear weapons program, current and former senior American officials said today...
World Watch Daily: Asia
US says Pakistan gave technology to N Korea
American intelligence officials have concluded that Pakistan, a vital ally since last year's terrorist attacks, was a major supplier of critical equipment for North Korea's newly revealed clandestine nuclear weapons program, current and former senior American officials said today...
WorldNetDaily: Shootings to spread to other cities?
This is an interesting arcticle, talking about how the attacks could be from a terrorist group getting a feel of what kind of reaction they could get from doing this sort of thing (the sniper attacks). Basically saying that this could be a 'test run' of sorts to preparing for doing this widespread.
This is an interesting arcticle, talking about how the attacks could be from a terrorist group getting a feel of what kind of reaction they could get from doing this sort of thing (the sniper attacks). Basically saying that this could be a 'test run' of sorts to preparing for doing this widespread.
They're Talking Cancer
Just got a call from JR. They did an ultrasound on his kidney, and they say it looks like cancer. They have to do a biopsy to be sure, and that will either be done today or tomorrow. He said the doctors say they caught it early, so they should be able to contain it. We can only pray.
I guess the pain in his kidney that he's been feeling, he says is in the other kidney. I'm not sure how someone can even say they feel pain exactly in their kidney's at all, much less decifer whether or not it's the left or right one. Must have something to do with him being a boxer when he was younger and getting punched in the kidneys. I guess when you realize they were punched, you know where they are at.
JR drinks alot, has my whole life. He has calmed down a bunch in his older years, but he can still be rowdy if he wants to. Sometimes when he drinks he gets sentimental about his life, his very busy life. He's been a boxer, a bouncer, a father 3 times over (his blood children, plus 5 step-children from a second marriage and 2 step-children from my mother), a husband twice (would have been three but my mother never married him), a widower, a homeless man, a home owner many times over, in prison, hit by a train, stabbed, shot, and admired for his courage. I'm not saying he's been a nice man his whole life, but he's had heart. Noah admires him for his honor, something his only son Jimmy, extremely lacks. Jimmy likes to pride himself in being like his dad, but one thing he doesn't realize is that the main similarity lay in muscle, and I'm not talking about the heart.
JR has told me many times that he would like to write a book about his life, but he's not a writer and would need someone to do it for him. I have told him that I would love to do that, but we have never gotten around to doing it. Maybe now would be a good time to get started. There are lots of things about his life that I do not know, but would love to. How can a man who was beat and stabbed by his dying father live to treat his own children like gold? It would be interesting to take a trip through his mind and his life, and truely begin to understand where his morals and values grew from. I'm sure life in itself helped to build him to the person he is today, a much better person than he was in his youth.
I hope that I have the strength and the persistence to take on such a task of helping a man retrace his life and his emotions. Especially a man who tends to cover up these emotions by drinking. And I sincerely hope that God gives us the time to record his story. I'm sure that most of it will die with him if we don't write it down before God calls him home.
Just got a call from JR. They did an ultrasound on his kidney, and they say it looks like cancer. They have to do a biopsy to be sure, and that will either be done today or tomorrow. He said the doctors say they caught it early, so they should be able to contain it. We can only pray.
I guess the pain in his kidney that he's been feeling, he says is in the other kidney. I'm not sure how someone can even say they feel pain exactly in their kidney's at all, much less decifer whether or not it's the left or right one. Must have something to do with him being a boxer when he was younger and getting punched in the kidneys. I guess when you realize they were punched, you know where they are at.
JR drinks alot, has my whole life. He has calmed down a bunch in his older years, but he can still be rowdy if he wants to. Sometimes when he drinks he gets sentimental about his life, his very busy life. He's been a boxer, a bouncer, a father 3 times over (his blood children, plus 5 step-children from a second marriage and 2 step-children from my mother), a husband twice (would have been three but my mother never married him), a widower, a homeless man, a home owner many times over, in prison, hit by a train, stabbed, shot, and admired for his courage. I'm not saying he's been a nice man his whole life, but he's had heart. Noah admires him for his honor, something his only son Jimmy, extremely lacks. Jimmy likes to pride himself in being like his dad, but one thing he doesn't realize is that the main similarity lay in muscle, and I'm not talking about the heart.
JR has told me many times that he would like to write a book about his life, but he's not a writer and would need someone to do it for him. I have told him that I would love to do that, but we have never gotten around to doing it. Maybe now would be a good time to get started. There are lots of things about his life that I do not know, but would love to. How can a man who was beat and stabbed by his dying father live to treat his own children like gold? It would be interesting to take a trip through his mind and his life, and truely begin to understand where his morals and values grew from. I'm sure life in itself helped to build him to the person he is today, a much better person than he was in his youth.
I hope that I have the strength and the persistence to take on such a task of helping a man retrace his life and his emotions. Especially a man who tends to cover up these emotions by drinking. And I sincerely hope that God gives us the time to record his story. I'm sure that most of it will die with him if we don't write it down before God calls him home.
Catch Up Day
I've been cleaning today to catch up from the busy weekend. I can't begin to explain to you how much I absolutely hate laundry. I made a pact with Noah that if I wash and dry the laundry, he helps me put it away. Now I must say, that worked for about 2 or 3 times, and now we have a pile of clean laundry in our bedroom, and it's growing. It's not the cleaning it, it's the putting it away thats a giant pain in my ass......lol
Doing the dishes today took well over an hour, and they still didn't all fit in the dishwasher. Dirty pans and baby bottles are what makes the process longer, if you were wondering.
I have a baby jail in my livingroom to keep Mikayla safe while I run around cleaning everything (otherwise known as a play yard play pen thingy). She's currently waking up from a nap right now, which means I can get back to making tons of cleaning noise. There's always things to be done, doesn't mean I want to do them though........lol
I've been watching CNN about the sniper thing thats going on right now. I'm really getting sick of main stream media. I think I'm gonna shut off the tv and fish around on the net. If anyone knows of any good news sources that arn't a part of the mainstream media, let me know. It's hard to know who to trust anymore. You can take just about anything and word it just a little differently to get a more emotional reaction. And for a person like me, those emotional reactions make all the difference, and I'm getting a little sick of being played off my emotions by the media.
I've been cleaning today to catch up from the busy weekend. I can't begin to explain to you how much I absolutely hate laundry. I made a pact with Noah that if I wash and dry the laundry, he helps me put it away. Now I must say, that worked for about 2 or 3 times, and now we have a pile of clean laundry in our bedroom, and it's growing. It's not the cleaning it, it's the putting it away thats a giant pain in my ass......lol
Doing the dishes today took well over an hour, and they still didn't all fit in the dishwasher. Dirty pans and baby bottles are what makes the process longer, if you were wondering.
I have a baby jail in my livingroom to keep Mikayla safe while I run around cleaning everything (otherwise known as a play yard play pen thingy). She's currently waking up from a nap right now, which means I can get back to making tons of cleaning noise. There's always things to be done, doesn't mean I want to do them though........lol
I've been watching CNN about the sniper thing thats going on right now. I'm really getting sick of main stream media. I think I'm gonna shut off the tv and fish around on the net. If anyone knows of any good news sources that arn't a part of the mainstream media, let me know. It's hard to know who to trust anymore. You can take just about anything and word it just a little differently to get a more emotional reaction. And for a person like me, those emotional reactions make all the difference, and I'm getting a little sick of being played off my emotions by the media.
Saturday, October 19, 2002
Gee, I'm not melodramatic, am I?
JR's okay. He is gonna be in the hospital for a while, and bed ridden for probably a month, but other than that he's gonna be okay. Recovery is gonna take some time, and it could be months before he can walk normally. He also messed up his shoulder pretty good by dislocating it. I've had problems with my shoulders dislocating, and even had surgery on one, but mine arn't as bad as his. You have to figure that mine started from a stupid fight and not a 20ft fall out of a tree. The bloating that he had was from his bowels shutting down. I guess thats normal with a serious back injury like this, and it should come back to normal in a few days.
The new thing that is worrying us now is that they found a mass on one of his kidney's that they want to biopsy. I spent most of today sick with stress, I didn't get more than 2 hours of sleep last night, and showed up at the hospital at 5am this morning. I finally got some more sleep tonight after fighting nausea and feeling just absolutely unreal. I've never had stress so bad that it made me sick until today. I still feel sick, but I'm getting better. I'm going to try to get some more sleep. I just wanted to give an update.
JR's okay. He is gonna be in the hospital for a while, and bed ridden for probably a month, but other than that he's gonna be okay. Recovery is gonna take some time, and it could be months before he can walk normally. He also messed up his shoulder pretty good by dislocating it. I've had problems with my shoulders dislocating, and even had surgery on one, but mine arn't as bad as his. You have to figure that mine started from a stupid fight and not a 20ft fall out of a tree. The bloating that he had was from his bowels shutting down. I guess thats normal with a serious back injury like this, and it should come back to normal in a few days.
The new thing that is worrying us now is that they found a mass on one of his kidney's that they want to biopsy. I spent most of today sick with stress, I didn't get more than 2 hours of sleep last night, and showed up at the hospital at 5am this morning. I finally got some more sleep tonight after fighting nausea and feeling just absolutely unreal. I've never had stress so bad that it made me sick until today. I still feel sick, but I'm getting better. I'm going to try to get some more sleep. I just wanted to give an update.
Friday, October 18, 2002
I was going to blog about world issues, but something else has come up. I got a call just a few mins ago that my step-dad fell out a tree 20feet off the ground. He's at the hospital right now, he dislocated his shoulder, broke his back, and broke some other things, but I didn't remember what else after they said that he broke his back. I got the call from Lisa, my brother's girlfriend. They are at the hospital with him right now. JR, my step-dad is 62 years old, anything at his age is bad, and I know that he will never been the same. I guess I'm just in shock right now. I'm sitting here wondering what I should do. Noah is waiting until he gets off work in about 45 mins, and then we are going to drop Mikayla off with his dad and head over to the hospital.
I told Lisa that I wanted to come down to the hospital right now, but she said to wait because they were thinking about transferring him to a hospital in Iowa City, about 3 hours away. They can do more for him there. I can only think that if they are wanting to transfer him to Iowa City, that it must be bad. I'm scared, I hope whatever is wrong is not life threatening. I could not imagine losing him. He was the only dad I ever had until I was 17, and even after that, I have been closer to him than anyone else in my family besides my sister, Lana.
He called me earlier today to ask where I wanted to put the fridge we were keeping in his garage, because he wanted to clean it out. It's hard to think that just after I talked to him, this happened. And I don't even really know what happened. When I talked to him on the phone, he told me that he was going to pick Shiela's boyfriend, Brian, up from work and Brian was going to help him clean out his garage.
He told me a few days ago that he had a bunch of branches from trimming trees that he wanted Shiela and Brian to help him load into his truck to haul off. I can only imagine that what happened was that when Brian got there today they decided to trim a few more branches and thats when the accident happened.
I can't help but be mad at Brian right now for letting a 62 year old man climb 20 feet up in a tree, plus I'm sure that both of them were drinking. But I know that JR is so stubborn that if he really wanted to do it, Brian wouldn't have stopped him anyways.
Update
Lisa just called me and told me that they decided to transfer him to another hospital in Des Moines. I'm sure it's because he has no insurance that they won't send him to Iowa City, or better worded, Iowa City won't take him without insurance. She told me that he can move his feet, but his stomach is getting bloated and they don't know why. I don't know exactly what bloated means, I guess it's taking on some form of liquid or something, or maybe swelling, I don't know.
I'm fumbling around the house trying to find my purse. My cigarettes are in my purse, and I can't find it. I hope Noah gets home soon, I want to get to the hospital to find out what is going on. I'm sure Lisa is holding out on me. She sounded scared on the phone. I want to get there so I know what is going on. I want to be there for him. I'm praying, I want to be there and pray for him. I want to be close to him.
I just hate the fact that this is running the same course as it did when Bobby died. I'll have to explain that one later, but basically I had a boyfriend when I was 16, he was 18, he got pneumonia really bad. He was at Broadlawns Hospital (where JR is at now) and they transferred him to Methodist Hospital (where they are going to transfer JR to). Bobby died a week later. This is too similar for me. I feel out of control, and scared. I wish I could find my cigarettes.
I told Lisa that I wanted to come down to the hospital right now, but she said to wait because they were thinking about transferring him to a hospital in Iowa City, about 3 hours away. They can do more for him there. I can only think that if they are wanting to transfer him to Iowa City, that it must be bad. I'm scared, I hope whatever is wrong is not life threatening. I could not imagine losing him. He was the only dad I ever had until I was 17, and even after that, I have been closer to him than anyone else in my family besides my sister, Lana.
He called me earlier today to ask where I wanted to put the fridge we were keeping in his garage, because he wanted to clean it out. It's hard to think that just after I talked to him, this happened. And I don't even really know what happened. When I talked to him on the phone, he told me that he was going to pick Shiela's boyfriend, Brian, up from work and Brian was going to help him clean out his garage.
He told me a few days ago that he had a bunch of branches from trimming trees that he wanted Shiela and Brian to help him load into his truck to haul off. I can only imagine that what happened was that when Brian got there today they decided to trim a few more branches and thats when the accident happened.
I can't help but be mad at Brian right now for letting a 62 year old man climb 20 feet up in a tree, plus I'm sure that both of them were drinking. But I know that JR is so stubborn that if he really wanted to do it, Brian wouldn't have stopped him anyways.
Update
Lisa just called me and told me that they decided to transfer him to another hospital in Des Moines. I'm sure it's because he has no insurance that they won't send him to Iowa City, or better worded, Iowa City won't take him without insurance. She told me that he can move his feet, but his stomach is getting bloated and they don't know why. I don't know exactly what bloated means, I guess it's taking on some form of liquid or something, or maybe swelling, I don't know.
I'm fumbling around the house trying to find my purse. My cigarettes are in my purse, and I can't find it. I hope Noah gets home soon, I want to get to the hospital to find out what is going on. I'm sure Lisa is holding out on me. She sounded scared on the phone. I want to get there so I know what is going on. I want to be there for him. I'm praying, I want to be there and pray for him. I want to be close to him.
I just hate the fact that this is running the same course as it did when Bobby died. I'll have to explain that one later, but basically I had a boyfriend when I was 16, he was 18, he got pneumonia really bad. He was at Broadlawns Hospital (where JR is at now) and they transferred him to Methodist Hospital (where they are going to transfer JR to). Bobby died a week later. This is too similar for me. I feel out of control, and scared. I wish I could find my cigarettes.
Thursday, October 17, 2002
Very Disturbing
...you'll have to highlight it to read it though, the author of the page made it in red on a greyish cloud background. Hurts the eyes.
A Visit to a Slaughterhouse
...you'll have to highlight it to read it though, the author of the page made it in red on a greyish cloud background. Hurts the eyes.
A Visit to a Slaughterhouse
I Don't Understand the Dream World
I had a friggin dream that ended with the Veggie Tales song "Barbara Manatee". What is wrong in my brain???
I was around a bunch of druggies and I had Mikayla sleeping in the backroom. Lisa told me she was pregnant (she can't get pregnant), some drug head was sitting in a chair telling me about how the kids from Norwalk always came back with 'good shit' (good dope), and some chick I didn't even know had a wedding dress that she was showing me. What is up with that dream???
I had a friggin dream that ended with the Veggie Tales song "Barbara Manatee". What is wrong in my brain???
I was around a bunch of druggies and I had Mikayla sleeping in the backroom. Lisa told me she was pregnant (she can't get pregnant), some drug head was sitting in a chair telling me about how the kids from Norwalk always came back with 'good shit' (good dope), and some chick I didn't even know had a wedding dress that she was showing me. What is up with that dream???
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
A Greeting From My Mother
I don't think this link will work for very long, so here is the message:
Lindsey,
[A Picture that Says:]
You're everything I could've hoped for in a daughter! (Plus a few things that never even crossed my mind...)
[Her Message:]
I CARE! I also hug, listen, and own great big bottle of Tequila! LOL (Sorry, just couldn't help myself!) Seriously...I LOVE you with all my heart and soul. (Is that altruistic?) I want nothing but the best for you and your complete happiness. You are made in my image (tee hee) and from my love (ok, i'm in denial here...lest we forget to mention the other 1/2 of your equation! lol) Again, being more real here...You and I are one in the same, and of this, I am extremely proud to have YOU as my daughter.
Now that you are a mother in your own right, you are becoming aware of feelings that mothers hold for their daughters. With that realization, we hold a common bond. As Mikayla grows and the more you share life together, the more this innate sense of love called motherhood will continue to deepen and enhance your bond with her; the more our bond will mature also. You will come to know what I have felt for you all these years, but often haven't been able to make you see.
There is NOTHING in this world...nothing...that can tear those bonds apart! Always remember this.
This has been another of my lame attempts to project my feelings. I just want you to CHEER UP and remember that I will ALWAYS be here!
(And if you can deal with THAT--you can deal with anything!)
Love always,
Your not so perfect Mommy
--- I Love My Mommy :) ---
I don't think this link will work for very long, so here is the message:
Lindsey,
[A Picture that Says:]
You're everything I could've hoped for in a daughter! (Plus a few things that never even crossed my mind...)
[Her Message:]
I CARE! I also hug, listen, and own great big bottle of Tequila! LOL (Sorry, just couldn't help myself!) Seriously...I LOVE you with all my heart and soul. (Is that altruistic?) I want nothing but the best for you and your complete happiness. You are made in my image (tee hee) and from my love (ok, i'm in denial here...lest we forget to mention the other 1/2 of your equation! lol) Again, being more real here...You and I are one in the same, and of this, I am extremely proud to have YOU as my daughter.
Now that you are a mother in your own right, you are becoming aware of feelings that mothers hold for their daughters. With that realization, we hold a common bond. As Mikayla grows and the more you share life together, the more this innate sense of love called motherhood will continue to deepen and enhance your bond with her; the more our bond will mature also. You will come to know what I have felt for you all these years, but often haven't been able to make you see.
There is NOTHING in this world...nothing...that can tear those bonds apart! Always remember this.
This has been another of my lame attempts to project my feelings. I just want you to CHEER UP and remember that I will ALWAYS be here!
(And if you can deal with THAT--you can deal with anything!)
Love always,
Your not so perfect Mommy
--- I Love My Mommy :) ---
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
I got drunk last night, I feel like shit today. Noah gets off at 2pm today cause he was planning on going to the therapist, but that fell through so i guess he's just coming home to come home. Don't know why, I feel like shit and won't be all that exciting. Oh well, that is all the drunk philosophy I have for today, i'm going to rest.
Sunday, October 13, 2002
Feeling A Little Better Now
Today is our three month anniversary, and we decided to celebrate with some cake, champaign, and a night full of sex! We put Mikayla to bed early, and away we went...hehe
I'm feeling alot better. Maybe if I just had hours of sex everynight I would be this happy all the time!! I worked up quite and appetite. Gonna go get something to snack on, and then curl up with Noah and pass out watching a movie! The last half of this Sunday wasn't bad if I do say so myself. Things are beginning to look up! And I pray that the sex Gods bless you with good sex also!!!
Ta Ta For Now!
Today is our three month anniversary, and we decided to celebrate with some cake, champaign, and a night full of sex! We put Mikayla to bed early, and away we went...hehe
I'm feeling alot better. Maybe if I just had hours of sex everynight I would be this happy all the time!! I worked up quite and appetite. Gonna go get something to snack on, and then curl up with Noah and pass out watching a movie! The last half of this Sunday wasn't bad if I do say so myself. Things are beginning to look up! And I pray that the sex Gods bless you with good sex also!!!
Ta Ta For Now!
Big Suprise
I know I'm not good at blogging on the weekends. Usually too much going on to sit down and spill my guts, plus Noah's around to distract me. But here's the scoop. Friday didn't happen. Lisa ended up calling me and saying that she got too drunk the night before and was too hungover to have a birthday party. Yay. Guess I got out of that one, but we hung out with Noah's friends instead. Can't say their much better, actually. The only other girl in the group, named Sara, was little miss sarcasm and there was no talking about anything meaningful with her. So we just sat at the bar, and I drank myself silly do I didn't have to deal with all the stupid comments that everyone was making about everything under the sun. I just want a friend who I can really talk to. I told Sara to call me sometime, I guess I figured that maybe she would be able to open up if she wasn't around all the other guys. The only thing I got from her was the I am a mushy drunk.
I know I'm not good at blogging on the weekends. Usually too much going on to sit down and spill my guts, plus Noah's around to distract me. But here's the scoop. Friday didn't happen. Lisa ended up calling me and saying that she got too drunk the night before and was too hungover to have a birthday party. Yay. Guess I got out of that one, but we hung out with Noah's friends instead. Can't say their much better, actually. The only other girl in the group, named Sara, was little miss sarcasm and there was no talking about anything meaningful with her. So we just sat at the bar, and I drank myself silly do I didn't have to deal with all the stupid comments that everyone was making about everything under the sun. I just want a friend who I can really talk to. I told Sara to call me sometime, I guess I figured that maybe she would be able to open up if she wasn't around all the other guys. The only thing I got from her was the I am a mushy drunk.
Friday, October 11, 2002
More Family Excitement
Tonight is bound to be a buddle of excitement. My step-brother Jimmy is planning on throwing a party for his girlfriend Lisa'a birthday. He's planning on starting out by going to The Funny Bone first, and then go hit the bar scene. Noah has been nominated as the designated driver so everyone can have fun and not worry. I should be more excited about this than I am. I just know that most nights with these guys tend to be more drama than it's worth. I'm just gonna go and celebrate Lisa's birthday as best I can. Maybe even let loose and have a little fun.
I'm kinda pissed cause these Jimmy and Lisa haven't given me anymore money on their debt to me in over a month. And I know I won't see any tonight either, being that all their money is gonna go twards this party. I guess I should put that aside because it's Lisa's birthday, but it's hard when this debt was accumulated out of lies. They lied to me about putting their electricity bill in my name, they lied that they paid it off, and I had to pay for it when I got a call for a collection agency saying that it was gonna go on my credit report if it wasn't paid by a certain date. Since Noah and I would like to get a house someday and don't need a bad mark on either of our credit reports, I had to shell out $400 that we didn't really have. So far we've gotten $120 of that back from them, but it's been almost 5 months since they started paying. And it's like pulling teeth to get the money.
When I went to that therapist, he said to stay away from all the negative people in my life for one week. Fat Chance! The one week I get told to stay away from negative people I get invited to a birthday party by Jimmy and Lisa, I get invited to a grill out by my step-sister Shiela, my mother discovers this blog via my sister's blog, and Noah's family is probably gonna come up our house tomorrow. Noah's family isn't really negative, but his aunt Alice is gonna be with them and she has no problem speaking her mind. So I'm gonna be all nervous and worried about what she thinks of my house. Am I a good housewife? Is it clean enough? Do I decorate just right? Blah blah blah.......
The reason Shiela is negative is because she thinks she fucking queen sheba right now. Read this from my archieve. Shiela even told me one time that if Noah and I don't make it together, it will be my fault. What loving support.
Anyways, I'll try to cheer up tonight, break out and have some fun. I know I need it. I just can't seem to shake this nagging hate that I have for myself right now.
Tonight is bound to be a buddle of excitement. My step-brother Jimmy is planning on throwing a party for his girlfriend Lisa'a birthday. He's planning on starting out by going to The Funny Bone first, and then go hit the bar scene. Noah has been nominated as the designated driver so everyone can have fun and not worry. I should be more excited about this than I am. I just know that most nights with these guys tend to be more drama than it's worth. I'm just gonna go and celebrate Lisa's birthday as best I can. Maybe even let loose and have a little fun.
I'm kinda pissed cause these Jimmy and Lisa haven't given me anymore money on their debt to me in over a month. And I know I won't see any tonight either, being that all their money is gonna go twards this party. I guess I should put that aside because it's Lisa's birthday, but it's hard when this debt was accumulated out of lies. They lied to me about putting their electricity bill in my name, they lied that they paid it off, and I had to pay for it when I got a call for a collection agency saying that it was gonna go on my credit report if it wasn't paid by a certain date. Since Noah and I would like to get a house someday and don't need a bad mark on either of our credit reports, I had to shell out $400 that we didn't really have. So far we've gotten $120 of that back from them, but it's been almost 5 months since they started paying. And it's like pulling teeth to get the money.
When I went to that therapist, he said to stay away from all the negative people in my life for one week. Fat Chance! The one week I get told to stay away from negative people I get invited to a birthday party by Jimmy and Lisa, I get invited to a grill out by my step-sister Shiela, my mother discovers this blog via my sister's blog, and Noah's family is probably gonna come up our house tomorrow. Noah's family isn't really negative, but his aunt Alice is gonna be with them and she has no problem speaking her mind. So I'm gonna be all nervous and worried about what she thinks of my house. Am I a good housewife? Is it clean enough? Do I decorate just right? Blah blah blah.......
The reason Shiela is negative is because she thinks she fucking queen sheba right now. Read this from my archieve. Shiela even told me one time that if Noah and I don't make it together, it will be my fault. What loving support.
Anyways, I'll try to cheer up tonight, break out and have some fun. I know I need it. I just can't seem to shake this nagging hate that I have for myself right now.
Thursday, October 10, 2002
I got a call today from the secretary of the therapist I went to on Tuesday. She told me that this therapist wasn't covered under out insurance, so I guess I won't be going back there. So much for paying someone to listen to me....lol
I don't see myself jumping on the phone and calling around to find someone who is on our insurance, and going in to tell them how stupid I feel all over again, so I guess I'm on my own. No biggie I guess, I'll live. It just felt good having someone on my side telling me that I'm not crazy. Maybe I should get a job like Noah keeps telling me to do. I don't know, I'm too scared of having someone I don't know watching Mikayla. And I won't know if anything bad happens to her cause she's not old enough to tell me.
I'll figure out what I'm going to do eventually. In the mean time, I need to finish up my list of things I need to do around the house. I think I got like 3 things done on the entire list. This damn computer makes me LAZY! And yess, it's all the computers fault, not mine!
I don't see myself jumping on the phone and calling around to find someone who is on our insurance, and going in to tell them how stupid I feel all over again, so I guess I'm on my own. No biggie I guess, I'll live. It just felt good having someone on my side telling me that I'm not crazy. Maybe I should get a job like Noah keeps telling me to do. I don't know, I'm too scared of having someone I don't know watching Mikayla. And I won't know if anything bad happens to her cause she's not old enough to tell me.
I'll figure out what I'm going to do eventually. In the mean time, I need to finish up my list of things I need to do around the house. I think I got like 3 things done on the entire list. This damn computer makes me LAZY! And yess, it's all the computers fault, not mine!
I made a site to put pictures up on. Now you can put a face to the madness you find on this blog. I'm gonna put it up in my template soon.
The Many Faces of Me
The Many Faces of Me
Wednesday, October 09, 2002
Things I Need to Do Today
1. Do the dishes
2. Sweep and Mop the kitchen floor
3. Pick up the living room
4. Do a load of Mikayla's laundry
5. Clean Cat's Litter Boxes
6. Weed out Mikayla's summer clothes and put them in boxes.
7. Vaccume the livingroom and our bedroom
8. I guess that means I need to pick up our bedroom first
9. Go Crazy
10. Plan My escape
11. Strangle the voices inside my head
12. Stop bitching and just get to work
1. Do the dishes
2. Sweep and Mop the kitchen floor
3. Pick up the living room
4. Do a load of Mikayla's laundry
5. Clean Cat's Litter Boxes
6. Weed out Mikayla's summer clothes and put them in boxes.
7. Vaccume the livingroom and our bedroom
8. I guess that means I need to pick up our bedroom first
9. Go Crazy
10. Plan My escape
11. Strangle the voices inside my head
12. Stop bitching and just get to work
I Dream Too Much
Really strange dreams, I must say. I never seem to dream anything too uplifting though. This is my little trip through alternate reality. I can't remember all of it, but I'll try with what I can.
The first thing I can remember is that I'm married to Eric, and we have a house. I'm in the bedroom, and he's out in the garage. I can see the garage through the bedroom window, and I know it's nighttime because they have the light on in the garage. We have two people over, one of them is Daniel, the other I don't know who it was. There's a car in our bedroom, it needed worked on. I really seemed like we had 2 garages and our bedroom just happened to be in one of them.....lol
So the two other guys come into the bedroom to work on the car, and Eric stayed out in the garage doing whatever he was doing. I was talking to them, but the whole time I felt like they shouldn't be in there with me, alone. That I would get in trouble if Eric walked in, even though nothing was going on. They were working on the car, and we were talking, but that was it. I don't remember what we talked about, but I knew they were saying stuff that they wouldn't say when Eric was around. Not that they wanted to get with me or were hitting on me or anything. They were kinda giving me support that they know Eric is an asshole and that they were always there for me, that sort of thing. I just kinda sat on the bed and nodded, watching what they were doing to the car.
When everyone noticed that Eric was coming, the guys just kinda disappeared, and I got out some suckers. For some reason, if I had suckers, and could get Eric to believe that I had been sucking on suckers this whole time, that he wouldn't freak out on me. He walked in with a grease rag, wiping his hands down, looking at me suspicously as I sat on the bed with a pile of empty sucker wrappers and a sucker in my mouth. He stood like a roughneck farmhand, big broad shoulders, very intimidating. I just sucked on my sucker, trying to hold composure, keep my head low, that sort of thing. I guess he bought it cause he walked away without saying a word. On to the next dream.........
This dream certifies the fact that I have been brain washed by winnie the pooh. You see, it was short, I was in some kind of room filled with all sorts of baby things, like clothes and toys and diaperbags. And I'm with one other person but I don't know who they are, and this time I don't even see their face, just hear their voice. As I'm digging around this room, just seeing whats in there, I come across this winnie the pooh diaper bag. Actually, it was the second winnie the pooh diaperbag I had grabbed, but this one looked more interesting. It had a story written on the side. It had little winnies and tiggers and piglets all over it, and the words were written in little purple letters. The voice began to read the story (of course, I don't remember it), but the strange thing was, that the voice didn't finish the story. It stopped like a few sentences from the end. It bugged me so much, I had to read the rest myself. I couldn't leave it unfinished like that. And I knew this was a new diaperbag because I ended up taking out the wrinkly paper that they stuff inside to make it look full. Very strange. On to the next dream...
I'm married to Noah, we have a big house with a big deck and a nice sized yard. It felt like a fresh spring morning, the grass was bright and green, the sky was big and blue. Noah was inside talking to someone about the house, I think we were thinking about doing something to it, either decorating or remodeling. I had mikayla outside in the yard, she was sitting in her walker. I wasn't worried cause the yard was big enough that she could roam a bit and not go into a road or anything. Although there was one road that you could see from standing on the deck that was about the length of a football field away. But I wasn't worried about that, it was a good distance. And it wasn't a busy road either.
So all the sudden I realize I'm outside with mikayla, and I have my wedding dress on. I look just like I do in our wedding pictures, and I'm dancing around, talking to mikayla. Feeling free and poetic and sharing all of that with my daughter. And then I look over to the road, and I notice my mother is parked in a car, just watching me. I can see her critical eyes, starting me down. I can just about hear her scream at me, "what are you doing?" in an extremely judgemental tone. So I get scared and self concious, and I run back into the house to change. I was talking to Noah and the other person when I realized, where's mikayla? I forgot that she was outside. So I run outside and peek around the corner of the house where she was, and she wasn't there. Then I see her walker, and she's not in it. Someone had taken her, where was she?! Was I never gonna see my daughter again? I yelled at the people in the house to call for help, and Noah came outside to look with me. I'm tryin to scream, trying to yell for Mikayla and yell to alert the attention of any neighbors or whoever that was around. Just incase they could see anything. Anyone getting away, so I might be able to find her. I'm trying with all my might to scream, and I can't scream. It's like I have no voice, I lost my voice. I'm pushing for it to come out, but all that comes out is this rhaspy dry sound. And I'm freaking out, and I think Noah ends up grabbing me and holding on to me cause I'm just shaking and screaming.
The next scene kinda jumps. We're in a cafe talking with Lana and some other people, but I'm talking just to Lana. And I tell her that I looked around for Mikayla, but I didn't know where to find her.
Then it jumps back to the scene in the yard, and i'm running around looking under decks and around bushes, and everywhere. And I end up finding Mikayla somewhere. And I grab her, and hold her, and just cry.
Then it goes back to the cafe scene, but this time I have Mikayla in my arms. And I'm saying, "I didn't think she was anywhere to be found. I just knew someone had taken her and searching the yard would be worthless, but I had to try", and I just started choking and crying. It was a very emotional dream. I just remember holding Mikayla really close to me for the rest of the dream, and crying.
I don't know what my dreams mean. I dont' know if they are supposed to mean anything. But I do realize one thing. When I am confident, I have dreams where I win, happy dreams, good dreams. When I'm not confident, or scared, or lonely, I have bad dreams. Not just nightmares, but dreams that shatter how I feel about myself. Dreams where people around me are treating me like shit, stomping on my heart, and things like that. I guess that as my self-confidence gets better my dreams should get better. That would be nice.
Really strange dreams, I must say. I never seem to dream anything too uplifting though. This is my little trip through alternate reality. I can't remember all of it, but I'll try with what I can.
The first thing I can remember is that I'm married to Eric, and we have a house. I'm in the bedroom, and he's out in the garage. I can see the garage through the bedroom window, and I know it's nighttime because they have the light on in the garage. We have two people over, one of them is Daniel, the other I don't know who it was. There's a car in our bedroom, it needed worked on. I really seemed like we had 2 garages and our bedroom just happened to be in one of them.....lol
So the two other guys come into the bedroom to work on the car, and Eric stayed out in the garage doing whatever he was doing. I was talking to them, but the whole time I felt like they shouldn't be in there with me, alone. That I would get in trouble if Eric walked in, even though nothing was going on. They were working on the car, and we were talking, but that was it. I don't remember what we talked about, but I knew they were saying stuff that they wouldn't say when Eric was around. Not that they wanted to get with me or were hitting on me or anything. They were kinda giving me support that they know Eric is an asshole and that they were always there for me, that sort of thing. I just kinda sat on the bed and nodded, watching what they were doing to the car.
When everyone noticed that Eric was coming, the guys just kinda disappeared, and I got out some suckers. For some reason, if I had suckers, and could get Eric to believe that I had been sucking on suckers this whole time, that he wouldn't freak out on me. He walked in with a grease rag, wiping his hands down, looking at me suspicously as I sat on the bed with a pile of empty sucker wrappers and a sucker in my mouth. He stood like a roughneck farmhand, big broad shoulders, very intimidating. I just sucked on my sucker, trying to hold composure, keep my head low, that sort of thing. I guess he bought it cause he walked away without saying a word. On to the next dream.........
This dream certifies the fact that I have been brain washed by winnie the pooh. You see, it was short, I was in some kind of room filled with all sorts of baby things, like clothes and toys and diaperbags. And I'm with one other person but I don't know who they are, and this time I don't even see their face, just hear their voice. As I'm digging around this room, just seeing whats in there, I come across this winnie the pooh diaper bag. Actually, it was the second winnie the pooh diaperbag I had grabbed, but this one looked more interesting. It had a story written on the side. It had little winnies and tiggers and piglets all over it, and the words were written in little purple letters. The voice began to read the story (of course, I don't remember it), but the strange thing was, that the voice didn't finish the story. It stopped like a few sentences from the end. It bugged me so much, I had to read the rest myself. I couldn't leave it unfinished like that. And I knew this was a new diaperbag because I ended up taking out the wrinkly paper that they stuff inside to make it look full. Very strange. On to the next dream...
I'm married to Noah, we have a big house with a big deck and a nice sized yard. It felt like a fresh spring morning, the grass was bright and green, the sky was big and blue. Noah was inside talking to someone about the house, I think we were thinking about doing something to it, either decorating or remodeling. I had mikayla outside in the yard, she was sitting in her walker. I wasn't worried cause the yard was big enough that she could roam a bit and not go into a road or anything. Although there was one road that you could see from standing on the deck that was about the length of a football field away. But I wasn't worried about that, it was a good distance. And it wasn't a busy road either.
So all the sudden I realize I'm outside with mikayla, and I have my wedding dress on. I look just like I do in our wedding pictures, and I'm dancing around, talking to mikayla. Feeling free and poetic and sharing all of that with my daughter. And then I look over to the road, and I notice my mother is parked in a car, just watching me. I can see her critical eyes, starting me down. I can just about hear her scream at me, "what are you doing?" in an extremely judgemental tone. So I get scared and self concious, and I run back into the house to change. I was talking to Noah and the other person when I realized, where's mikayla? I forgot that she was outside. So I run outside and peek around the corner of the house where she was, and she wasn't there. Then I see her walker, and she's not in it. Someone had taken her, where was she?! Was I never gonna see my daughter again? I yelled at the people in the house to call for help, and Noah came outside to look with me. I'm tryin to scream, trying to yell for Mikayla and yell to alert the attention of any neighbors or whoever that was around. Just incase they could see anything. Anyone getting away, so I might be able to find her. I'm trying with all my might to scream, and I can't scream. It's like I have no voice, I lost my voice. I'm pushing for it to come out, but all that comes out is this rhaspy dry sound. And I'm freaking out, and I think Noah ends up grabbing me and holding on to me cause I'm just shaking and screaming.
The next scene kinda jumps. We're in a cafe talking with Lana and some other people, but I'm talking just to Lana. And I tell her that I looked around for Mikayla, but I didn't know where to find her.
Then it jumps back to the scene in the yard, and i'm running around looking under decks and around bushes, and everywhere. And I end up finding Mikayla somewhere. And I grab her, and hold her, and just cry.
Then it goes back to the cafe scene, but this time I have Mikayla in my arms. And I'm saying, "I didn't think she was anywhere to be found. I just knew someone had taken her and searching the yard would be worthless, but I had to try", and I just started choking and crying. It was a very emotional dream. I just remember holding Mikayla really close to me for the rest of the dream, and crying.
I don't know what my dreams mean. I dont' know if they are supposed to mean anything. But I do realize one thing. When I am confident, I have dreams where I win, happy dreams, good dreams. When I'm not confident, or scared, or lonely, I have bad dreams. Not just nightmares, but dreams that shatter how I feel about myself. Dreams where people around me are treating me like shit, stomping on my heart, and things like that. I guess that as my self-confidence gets better my dreams should get better. That would be nice.
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
I'm in a much better mood now. Noah dragged me to talk to a therapist today, and it was okay. I whined like a baby the whole time, but it feels alot better telling someone "here's the heavy pile of shit that is making me feel bad, you hold it for a while" .......hehe
I'll explain more tomorrow. Noah and I are gonna have some 'us' time. I guess he's much happier with the less bitchy me. OH, and Diana, I promise I'll take me a bath. :) Just gotta get a little dirty first......hehe
Ta Ta For Now!!
*grumble grumble*...that damn winnie the pooh, brainwashing tiggeriffick...*mumble mumble*
I'll explain more tomorrow. Noah and I are gonna have some 'us' time. I guess he's much happier with the less bitchy me. OH, and Diana, I promise I'll take me a bath. :) Just gotta get a little dirty first......hehe
Ta Ta For Now!!
*grumble grumble*...that damn winnie the pooh, brainwashing tiggeriffick...*mumble mumble*
Monday, October 07, 2002
Mikayla's eatting dinner, Noah went to hang out with his friend Chris, and I'm sitting here. I'm bored, and lonely. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. I'm trying to clean to keep myself busy, keep my mind busy. I don't think it's working. I'm tired. When Mikayla goes to sleep around 7 or 7:30, I'll prolly go to sleep. I wasn't always this depressing, really.
First Chat with Lana after the Sunday incident
.....if you don't want to read, just scroll down, it's kinda long
LanaP123 (1:13:56 PM): hello hello....hope yer feelin' better (not that you were sick lol)
LanaP123 (1:14:04 PM): Noah's car's done
IDestiny07 (1:14:07 PM): I'm okay
IDestiny07 (1:14:10 PM): cool, I'll tell him
IDestiny07 (1:15:05 PM): noah's now looking for jobs for me and telling me to call on them, yay
LanaP123 (1:15:08 PM): Keith said he ran it for the better part of an hour and nothing leaked....but he did notice a little bit of steam coming off the corner of the radiator so he told me to tell you guys to just keep an eye on it in case it's something
IDestiny07 (1:15:29 PM): okay
LanaP123 (1:15:50 PM): it could be just excess antifreeze burning off but you never know I guess
LanaP123 (1:16:01 PM): fun fun
IDestiny07 (1:16:12 PM): yup
LanaP123 (1:16:36 PM): read yer blog
IDestiny07 (1:17:16 PM): yeah, I was just blabbing, like i always do
LanaP123 (1:17:18 PM): I don't want you to worry about what I think about what you say....I know that sometimes I give you a hard time about the money and maybe (unintentionally) Mikayla, but I don't mean to
IDestiny07 (1:17:43 PM): dont' take anything I say in there to heart, I just like to blow off steam sometimes
LanaP123 (1:17:45 PM): and it's not your job to worry about how I take what you say anyway
IDestiny07 (1:18:05 PM): yeah, it's not my job to worry about what anybody says or thinks but I still do
IDestiny07 (1:18:07 PM): can't help that one
LanaP123 (1:18:50 PM): I just want you to know that I will try harder in the future to not complain when you complain lol
IDestiny07 (1:19:29 PM): you don't have to keep your mouth shut when I offend you, thats not the problem
IDestiny07 (1:19:38 PM): sometimes I'm just scared that I'm gonna hurt you by what I say
IDestiny07 (1:20:27 PM): it's weird, my life is 'perfect' and I hate it, and your life has problems but you are dealing with it and seem to be happy
LanaP123 (1:20:40 PM): I'll survive....I always do....and I'm always here for you no matter what you say
IDestiny07 (1:21:28 PM): I know, it's hard for me to talk to anyone though
IDestiny07 (1:22:00 PM): I feel so alone most times, and I feel pathetic for feeling so sad cause what reason do I have to be sad, my life is 'perfect', right?
IDestiny07 (1:22:55 PM): I mean, I have an understanding wonderful husband, i'm not forced by lack of money to get a job, we pay bills and have money to blow, we have someone who would take miki every other weekend so we can do whatever we want, so whats the problem
IDestiny07 (1:23:12 PM): I dont' have a right to be upset, so why complain to anyone about it
LanaP123 (1:23:43 PM): everybody has problems....even perfect people lol
LanaP123 (1:24:07 PM): they just may not admit it
LanaP123 (1:24:58 PM): and I probably tend to complain about my problems more than I should 'cause I just need to vent sometimes and you're really the only one I have to vent to
IDestiny07 (1:25:00 PM): well what right do I have to admit it, especially when my 'problems' arn't easy to define
IDestiny07 (1:25:08 PM): you're fine
LanaP123 (1:25:12 PM): and I know I probably shouldn't dump all this on you, especially now
IDestiny07 (1:25:23 PM): dump all what, we're just talking
IDestiny07 (1:25:35 PM): I'm not as fragile as I act, trust me
LanaP123 (1:25:37 PM): I'm complaining again lol
IDestiny07 (1:25:38 PM): i'm just a whine ass
IDestiny07 (1:25:41 PM): LOL
LanaP123 (1:26:21 PM): I don't want to offend you by saying this so please don't think I'm trying to diagnose you.....but could it be postpartum depression? or was this all happening before Mikayla
IDestiny07 (1:26:55 PM): I dont think it's post pardum, although i don't understand what that is
LanaP123 (1:26:58 PM): they say onset can happen anywhere up to 12 months after birth
IDestiny07 (1:27:15 PM): but it seems to have been a dip I have taken at differnent points in my life
IDestiny07 (1:27:40 PM): except the other times, I had a different way to vent, I was free to be an idiot and do dope or whatever.....now I have a child and a perfect life to uphold
LanaP123 (1:27:44 PM): so this is just recurrent from previous times
IDestiny07 (1:28:11 PM): noah can tell you about the time about 4 months before miki was born
IDestiny07 (1:28:23 PM): I was drunk almost everyday, wouldn't leave the apartment
IDestiny07 (1:28:38 PM): pretty much like now I just don't drink as much as I did then
IDestiny07 (1:28:49 PM): and I did dope off and on then too, and I don't now
LanaP123 (1:28:53 PM): before she was born or conceived??
IDestiny07 (1:28:58 PM): although I can't say i wouldn't if givin the chance
IDestiny07 (1:29:02 PM): concieved
IDestiny07 (1:29:07 PM): sorry
IDestiny07 (1:29:13 PM): miss calculation there
LanaP123 (1:29:14 PM): worry be there for a sec
LanaP123 (1:29:18 PM): me
IDestiny07 (1:29:20 PM): lol
IDestiny07 (1:30:09 PM): I just feel so damn alone, so useless, just talking to you right now makes me feel a little better
IDestiny07 (1:30:16 PM): but it always seems to go back to the same thing
IDestiny07 (1:30:30 PM): I mean, stupid shit pisses me off to the point of no turning back, you seen that yesterday
LanaP123 (1:30:41 PM): so do you think having real friends would help or that you need something more? or you just aren't sure
IDestiny07 (1:30:49 PM): and noah was sayin just a little bit ago about meeting his friend chris today to pick up a laptop, that pissed me off
IDestiny07 (1:31:09 PM): I"m not sure, I get friends, but I find a reason to get rid of them
IDestiny07 (1:31:29 PM): like they are annoying, or they press too much in my life, or they want too much from me, and I write them off
IDestiny07 (1:31:42 PM): have done it many times in my life, almost don't want to go through the process anymore
IDestiny07 (1:32:46 PM): and next to that I always seem to meet the wrong kinda people......the ones that are 'fun' are the ones that I get 'introuble' with.....lol
IDestiny07 (1:33:20 PM): and I almost don't feel like i have enough 'ground' or security to make friends with people who arn't screwed up in someway or another
LanaP123 (1:33:34 PM): lol yeah.....so you haven't met the right kind of friends yet....ones that know what you need and what you don't
LanaP123 (1:33:44 PM): and believe me, I know how hard they are to find
IDestiny07 (1:34:11 PM): yeah, this is why noah thinks a job would be a cure all for me
IDestiny07 (1:34:28 PM): go to work, meet people, do stuff so I'm tired when I get home and don't have the energy to argue
IDestiny07 (1:35:12 PM): I'm sick of noah tryin to 'fix' me by laying out goals and things I should do
IDestiny07 (1:35:38 PM): I wish he would just talk to me, which he does sometimes, but instead of just talking, he always has to sum it up with 'what we should do about it'
LanaP123 (1:36:15 PM): that's probably just how he does things - he thinks about it and decides on a solution
IDestiny07 (1:36:16 PM): I know I'm screwed up, I don't need to be reassured of the fact by having someone trying to 'fix' me
LanaP123 (1:36:22 PM): I don't think he's intentionally trying to fix you
IDestiny07 (1:36:30 PM): i know
IDestiny07 (1:37:06 PM): you don't even know how much it pissed me off yesterday when i'm screaming in my head "somethings really wrong in here!!" and he just tells me "be safe"
IDestiny07 (1:37:25 PM): it more hurt me than pissed me off I guess
LanaP123 (1:37:54 PM): why? because you wanted a more aggressive approach from him?
IDestiny07 (1:38:04 PM): I always do, he's so passive
LanaP123 (1:38:19 PM): like for him to force you to stay? do you think you would have?
IDestiny07 (1:38:30 PM): I don't know
IDestiny07 (1:38:45 PM): but maybe him putting up a fight would show me more that he cared than just saying what he said
LanaP123 (1:39:09 PM): I'm visualizing you trying to kick the crap out of him lol
IDestiny07 (1:39:13 PM): lol
LanaP123 (1:39:50 PM): so you're more physical than he is
IDestiny07 (1:39:53 PM): we've done that in the apartment in altoona before, I was stupid drinkin and said I wanted money, he gave it to me and I said I was gonna leave to do dope, he tried to hold me down so I wouldnt go
LanaP123 (1:39:59 PM): more aggressive in your approach
IDestiny07 (1:40:10 PM): I got away, no punches or anything, and I didn't do any dope either, just to let you know
IDestiny07 (1:40:19 PM): yeah, i guess so
LanaP123 (1:41:08 PM): you've had more aggressive guys in the past - I'm not so sure that's necessarily the best for you either - you'd butt heads too much
LanaP123 (1:41:20 PM): and when I say "aggressive" I don't necessarily mean abusive
IDestiny07 (1:41:26 PM): noah keeps giving me numbers to therepists to call and set up counseling, but all I can see is myself walking in there and saying "hi, i'm pathetic, care to listen to me whine?"
IDestiny07 (1:42:04 PM): yeah, I know what you mean, and no, it prolly wouldn't be good, I guess I just want it cause I know how to deal with it, I don't know how to deal with noah's 'approach'
LanaP123 (1:44:29 PM): I'm sure you wouldn't be the whiniest patient that therapist has lol
LanaP123 (1:44:49 PM): and I know therapy sucks sometimes but maybe they would be able to help you understand what's wrong
IDestiny07 (1:44:50 PM): lol......you never know, I get pretty whiney
IDestiny07 (1:45:00 PM): where would i even start?
LanaP123 (1:46:10 PM): I usually let them take the lead....they would ask questions and I'd try to answer and if they didn't like my answer they'd ask something else....I don't know....I'm hardly the expert on therapy lol
IDestiny07 (1:46:45 PM): I get into these moods where I hate everyone and everything they do, I just want to sleep or drink, when I go out I'm scared of everyone, god forbid the cashier doesn't say a nice word to me, it must mean that i'm a piece of shit or pathetic or fat or stupid or whatever, i feel like I can't do anything right, when I try to be intellectual (with philosophy type stuff) I end up feeling stupid like I dont' know what the hell I'm talking about
IDestiny07 (1:47:28 PM): I'm scared, physically scared at night, I hate standing infront of windows cause I think that someone or something is out there watching me, just waiting to hurt me
LanaP123 (1:48:07 PM): could it be anxiety?
IDestiny07 (1:48:07 PM): every sound (in my mind) is a bomb or a plane going to crash on my house, or someone walking through my house coming up to my door going to bust in and try to kill me
IDestiny07 (1:48:24 PM): I sit an imagine how I would save mikayla, I have a bat sitting right next to me in bed
LanaP123 (1:48:26 PM): some of what you just said totally describes how I feel and I just attributed it to social phobia
IDestiny07 (1:48:32 PM): and I can't tell you how many nights I sleep with the light on
IDestiny07 (1:48:40 PM): got forbid a night light ever burnt out
IDestiny07 (1:49:12 PM): I dont' know what it is
LanaP123 (1:49:33 PM): Linds, that sounds like some kind of anxiety disorder or something.....has this started recently or have you always been like this and just drown it out with other things (alcohol, etc.)?
IDestiny07 (1:50:11 PM): the real fear, alone in the house stuff, thats been recently, other than that, I've always been nervous around people
IDestiny07 (1:50:19 PM): I just cover it up with drugs/alcohol
IDestiny07 (1:50:41 PM): if you remember, the only time I really hung out with people after the age of 15 is when I was on something
IDestiny07 (1:51:01 PM): and still do, I don't normally go out unless it's to drink
IDestiny07 (1:51:51 PM): noah wants to go to blues concerts and stuff, and if there isn't beer there i'm completely against it, all I can think of is how stupid I will look
IDestiny07 (1:51:57 PM): like i don't belong
LanaP123 (1:52:06 PM): exactly
IDestiny07 (1:52:42 PM): I don't even like alcohol so much anymore....I feel like shit most times while I drink, and definitely the next day
IDestiny07 (1:53:18 PM): I get drunk and I do stupid stuff, I know I do and say things that I regret, I think about that before and during the time that I am drinkin, although I ignore it while I drink, it's easier then
LanaP123 (1:53:26 PM): What is Social Phobia/Social Anxiety? read this
LanaP123 (1:53:54 PM): this totally describes the fears you just told me about
LanaP123 (1:54:14 PM): if I'm doing my diagnosis thing again, just tell me to stop
IDestiny07 (1:54:29 PM): your okay
LanaP123 (1:54:31 PM): but I don't know what else to say or do
IDestiny07 (1:54:46 PM): what i've read so far makes sense to me, but I'm not as bad I don't think...the same kinda stuff though
LanaP123 (1:55:03 PM): I'm absolutely convinced this is what's wrong with me but I haven't read enough about it....maybe it's genetic
IDestiny07 (1:55:19 PM): Once the call is made and over, she sits, analyzes, and ruminates about what was said, what tone it was said in, and how she was perceived by the other person....her anxiety and racing thoughts concerning the call prove to her that she "goofed" this conversation up, too, just like she always does TOTALLY ME
LanaP123 (1:55:41 PM): I just think I look worse because I'm not one to drink and I don't have anything to "cover up" my fears so I just don't go anywhere
LanaP123 (1:55:58 PM): me too!!!
IDestiny07 (1:56:16 PM): Sometimes she gets embarrassed just thinking about the call.
I do that about alot of things other than phone calls, and I winch, physically winch, eyes-nose and all, when I think about what I did
IDestiny07 (1:56:54 PM): thats what I feel like I'm getting to Lana, I'm not wanting to leave the house or do anything
IDestiny07 (1:57:08 PM): I dont' want to leave the house and I dont' want to be alone, no wonder I'm going crazy
LanaP123 (1:57:11 PM): oh me too! I've said or done things years ago that still give me that horrible self-conscious wanna hide feeling even now when I think about them
LanaP123 (1:57:50 PM): heart racing, goose bumps, sweating - all of it
IDestiny07 (1:58:05 PM): I hate it
IDestiny07 (1:58:16 PM): I know it's wrong but what do you do?
IDestiny07 (1:58:38 PM): and going to a therepist, well, don't you think that would be hard to do just from the fact that you're scared of everything else anyways
LanaP123 (1:58:42 PM): but yet I'm too ashamed to tell a doctor about it - I'd be like "he's gonna thing I'm insane and dumb and that I'm wasting his time"
LanaP123 (1:59:22 PM): think
IDestiny07 (1:59:50 PM): I know what ya mean
LanaP123 (2:00:28 PM): I know it would be hard - and I can't very well say that's what you should do 'cause I can't even do it - but I don't want anything to happen to you either
LanaP123 (2:00:40 PM): and I think I've adapted better to my fears than you seem to be
IDestiny07 (2:01:18 PM): I'm freakin out here......I never used to be this bad
LanaP123 (2:01:24 PM): and I don't want all these fears to overwhelm you and cause you to do something to yourself
LanaP123 (2:01:39 PM): or to cause you to do something you'll regret later
IDestiny07 (2:02:56 PM): yeah, I know.....it's off and on, some days it's better than others, I have days of complete confidence, and others of complete fear
IDestiny07 (2:03:19 PM): I have to change miki's diaper......brb
LanaP123 (2:03:23 PM): k
IDestiny07 (2:06:44 PM): back
LanaP123 (2:23:29 PM): Caleb's whining to play his kitty game and I need to finish my accounting assignment so I guess I should get off here
IDestiny07 (2:23:38 PM): okay
IDestiny07 (2:23:45 PM): I'll talk to you later :-)
LanaP123 (2:23:52 PM): I should be on here later, as always
LanaP123 (2:23:55 PM): alrighty
IDestiny07 (2:23:58 PM): okie
LanaP123 (2:23:59 PM): bye :-)
IDestiny07 (2:24:00 PM): bubye :-)
.....if you don't want to read, just scroll down, it's kinda long
LanaP123 (1:13:56 PM): hello hello....hope yer feelin' better (not that you were sick lol)
LanaP123 (1:14:04 PM): Noah's car's done
IDestiny07 (1:14:07 PM): I'm okay
IDestiny07 (1:14:10 PM): cool, I'll tell him
IDestiny07 (1:15:05 PM): noah's now looking for jobs for me and telling me to call on them, yay
LanaP123 (1:15:08 PM): Keith said he ran it for the better part of an hour and nothing leaked....but he did notice a little bit of steam coming off the corner of the radiator so he told me to tell you guys to just keep an eye on it in case it's something
IDestiny07 (1:15:29 PM): okay
LanaP123 (1:15:50 PM): it could be just excess antifreeze burning off but you never know I guess
LanaP123 (1:16:01 PM): fun fun
IDestiny07 (1:16:12 PM): yup
LanaP123 (1:16:36 PM): read yer blog
IDestiny07 (1:17:16 PM): yeah, I was just blabbing, like i always do
LanaP123 (1:17:18 PM): I don't want you to worry about what I think about what you say....I know that sometimes I give you a hard time about the money and maybe (unintentionally) Mikayla, but I don't mean to
IDestiny07 (1:17:43 PM): dont' take anything I say in there to heart, I just like to blow off steam sometimes
LanaP123 (1:17:45 PM): and it's not your job to worry about how I take what you say anyway
IDestiny07 (1:18:05 PM): yeah, it's not my job to worry about what anybody says or thinks but I still do
IDestiny07 (1:18:07 PM): can't help that one
LanaP123 (1:18:50 PM): I just want you to know that I will try harder in the future to not complain when you complain lol
IDestiny07 (1:19:29 PM): you don't have to keep your mouth shut when I offend you, thats not the problem
IDestiny07 (1:19:38 PM): sometimes I'm just scared that I'm gonna hurt you by what I say
IDestiny07 (1:20:27 PM): it's weird, my life is 'perfect' and I hate it, and your life has problems but you are dealing with it and seem to be happy
LanaP123 (1:20:40 PM): I'll survive....I always do....and I'm always here for you no matter what you say
IDestiny07 (1:21:28 PM): I know, it's hard for me to talk to anyone though
IDestiny07 (1:22:00 PM): I feel so alone most times, and I feel pathetic for feeling so sad cause what reason do I have to be sad, my life is 'perfect', right?
IDestiny07 (1:22:55 PM): I mean, I have an understanding wonderful husband, i'm not forced by lack of money to get a job, we pay bills and have money to blow, we have someone who would take miki every other weekend so we can do whatever we want, so whats the problem
IDestiny07 (1:23:12 PM): I dont' have a right to be upset, so why complain to anyone about it
LanaP123 (1:23:43 PM): everybody has problems....even perfect people lol
LanaP123 (1:24:07 PM): they just may not admit it
LanaP123 (1:24:58 PM): and I probably tend to complain about my problems more than I should 'cause I just need to vent sometimes and you're really the only one I have to vent to
IDestiny07 (1:25:00 PM): well what right do I have to admit it, especially when my 'problems' arn't easy to define
IDestiny07 (1:25:08 PM): you're fine
LanaP123 (1:25:12 PM): and I know I probably shouldn't dump all this on you, especially now
IDestiny07 (1:25:23 PM): dump all what, we're just talking
IDestiny07 (1:25:35 PM): I'm not as fragile as I act, trust me
LanaP123 (1:25:37 PM): I'm complaining again lol
IDestiny07 (1:25:38 PM): i'm just a whine ass
IDestiny07 (1:25:41 PM): LOL
LanaP123 (1:26:21 PM): I don't want to offend you by saying this so please don't think I'm trying to diagnose you.....but could it be postpartum depression? or was this all happening before Mikayla
IDestiny07 (1:26:55 PM): I dont think it's post pardum, although i don't understand what that is
LanaP123 (1:26:58 PM): they say onset can happen anywhere up to 12 months after birth
IDestiny07 (1:27:15 PM): but it seems to have been a dip I have taken at differnent points in my life
IDestiny07 (1:27:40 PM): except the other times, I had a different way to vent, I was free to be an idiot and do dope or whatever.....now I have a child and a perfect life to uphold
LanaP123 (1:27:44 PM): so this is just recurrent from previous times
IDestiny07 (1:28:11 PM): noah can tell you about the time about 4 months before miki was born
IDestiny07 (1:28:23 PM): I was drunk almost everyday, wouldn't leave the apartment
IDestiny07 (1:28:38 PM): pretty much like now I just don't drink as much as I did then
IDestiny07 (1:28:49 PM): and I did dope off and on then too, and I don't now
LanaP123 (1:28:53 PM): before she was born or conceived??
IDestiny07 (1:28:58 PM): although I can't say i wouldn't if givin the chance
IDestiny07 (1:29:02 PM): concieved
IDestiny07 (1:29:07 PM): sorry
IDestiny07 (1:29:13 PM): miss calculation there
LanaP123 (1:29:14 PM): worry be there for a sec
LanaP123 (1:29:18 PM): me
IDestiny07 (1:29:20 PM): lol
IDestiny07 (1:30:09 PM): I just feel so damn alone, so useless, just talking to you right now makes me feel a little better
IDestiny07 (1:30:16 PM): but it always seems to go back to the same thing
IDestiny07 (1:30:30 PM): I mean, stupid shit pisses me off to the point of no turning back, you seen that yesterday
LanaP123 (1:30:41 PM): so do you think having real friends would help or that you need something more? or you just aren't sure
IDestiny07 (1:30:49 PM): and noah was sayin just a little bit ago about meeting his friend chris today to pick up a laptop, that pissed me off
IDestiny07 (1:31:09 PM): I"m not sure, I get friends, but I find a reason to get rid of them
IDestiny07 (1:31:29 PM): like they are annoying, or they press too much in my life, or they want too much from me, and I write them off
IDestiny07 (1:31:42 PM): have done it many times in my life, almost don't want to go through the process anymore
IDestiny07 (1:32:46 PM): and next to that I always seem to meet the wrong kinda people......the ones that are 'fun' are the ones that I get 'introuble' with.....lol
IDestiny07 (1:33:20 PM): and I almost don't feel like i have enough 'ground' or security to make friends with people who arn't screwed up in someway or another
LanaP123 (1:33:34 PM): lol yeah.....so you haven't met the right kind of friends yet....ones that know what you need and what you don't
LanaP123 (1:33:44 PM): and believe me, I know how hard they are to find
IDestiny07 (1:34:11 PM): yeah, this is why noah thinks a job would be a cure all for me
IDestiny07 (1:34:28 PM): go to work, meet people, do stuff so I'm tired when I get home and don't have the energy to argue
IDestiny07 (1:35:12 PM): I'm sick of noah tryin to 'fix' me by laying out goals and things I should do
IDestiny07 (1:35:38 PM): I wish he would just talk to me, which he does sometimes, but instead of just talking, he always has to sum it up with 'what we should do about it'
LanaP123 (1:36:15 PM): that's probably just how he does things - he thinks about it and decides on a solution
IDestiny07 (1:36:16 PM): I know I'm screwed up, I don't need to be reassured of the fact by having someone trying to 'fix' me
LanaP123 (1:36:22 PM): I don't think he's intentionally trying to fix you
IDestiny07 (1:36:30 PM): i know
IDestiny07 (1:37:06 PM): you don't even know how much it pissed me off yesterday when i'm screaming in my head "somethings really wrong in here!!" and he just tells me "be safe"
IDestiny07 (1:37:25 PM): it more hurt me than pissed me off I guess
LanaP123 (1:37:54 PM): why? because you wanted a more aggressive approach from him?
IDestiny07 (1:38:04 PM): I always do, he's so passive
LanaP123 (1:38:19 PM): like for him to force you to stay? do you think you would have?
IDestiny07 (1:38:30 PM): I don't know
IDestiny07 (1:38:45 PM): but maybe him putting up a fight would show me more that he cared than just saying what he said
LanaP123 (1:39:09 PM): I'm visualizing you trying to kick the crap out of him lol
IDestiny07 (1:39:13 PM): lol
LanaP123 (1:39:50 PM): so you're more physical than he is
IDestiny07 (1:39:53 PM): we've done that in the apartment in altoona before, I was stupid drinkin and said I wanted money, he gave it to me and I said I was gonna leave to do dope, he tried to hold me down so I wouldnt go
LanaP123 (1:39:59 PM): more aggressive in your approach
IDestiny07 (1:40:10 PM): I got away, no punches or anything, and I didn't do any dope either, just to let you know
IDestiny07 (1:40:19 PM): yeah, i guess so
LanaP123 (1:41:08 PM): you've had more aggressive guys in the past - I'm not so sure that's necessarily the best for you either - you'd butt heads too much
LanaP123 (1:41:20 PM): and when I say "aggressive" I don't necessarily mean abusive
IDestiny07 (1:41:26 PM): noah keeps giving me numbers to therepists to call and set up counseling, but all I can see is myself walking in there and saying "hi, i'm pathetic, care to listen to me whine?"
IDestiny07 (1:42:04 PM): yeah, I know what you mean, and no, it prolly wouldn't be good, I guess I just want it cause I know how to deal with it, I don't know how to deal with noah's 'approach'
LanaP123 (1:44:29 PM): I'm sure you wouldn't be the whiniest patient that therapist has lol
LanaP123 (1:44:49 PM): and I know therapy sucks sometimes but maybe they would be able to help you understand what's wrong
IDestiny07 (1:44:50 PM): lol......you never know, I get pretty whiney
IDestiny07 (1:45:00 PM): where would i even start?
LanaP123 (1:46:10 PM): I usually let them take the lead....they would ask questions and I'd try to answer and if they didn't like my answer they'd ask something else....I don't know....I'm hardly the expert on therapy lol
IDestiny07 (1:46:45 PM): I get into these moods where I hate everyone and everything they do, I just want to sleep or drink, when I go out I'm scared of everyone, god forbid the cashier doesn't say a nice word to me, it must mean that i'm a piece of shit or pathetic or fat or stupid or whatever, i feel like I can't do anything right, when I try to be intellectual (with philosophy type stuff) I end up feeling stupid like I dont' know what the hell I'm talking about
IDestiny07 (1:47:28 PM): I'm scared, physically scared at night, I hate standing infront of windows cause I think that someone or something is out there watching me, just waiting to hurt me
LanaP123 (1:48:07 PM): could it be anxiety?
IDestiny07 (1:48:07 PM): every sound (in my mind) is a bomb or a plane going to crash on my house, or someone walking through my house coming up to my door going to bust in and try to kill me
IDestiny07 (1:48:24 PM): I sit an imagine how I would save mikayla, I have a bat sitting right next to me in bed
LanaP123 (1:48:26 PM): some of what you just said totally describes how I feel and I just attributed it to social phobia
IDestiny07 (1:48:32 PM): and I can't tell you how many nights I sleep with the light on
IDestiny07 (1:48:40 PM): got forbid a night light ever burnt out
IDestiny07 (1:49:12 PM): I dont' know what it is
LanaP123 (1:49:33 PM): Linds, that sounds like some kind of anxiety disorder or something.....has this started recently or have you always been like this and just drown it out with other things (alcohol, etc.)?
IDestiny07 (1:50:11 PM): the real fear, alone in the house stuff, thats been recently, other than that, I've always been nervous around people
IDestiny07 (1:50:19 PM): I just cover it up with drugs/alcohol
IDestiny07 (1:50:41 PM): if you remember, the only time I really hung out with people after the age of 15 is when I was on something
IDestiny07 (1:51:01 PM): and still do, I don't normally go out unless it's to drink
IDestiny07 (1:51:51 PM): noah wants to go to blues concerts and stuff, and if there isn't beer there i'm completely against it, all I can think of is how stupid I will look
IDestiny07 (1:51:57 PM): like i don't belong
LanaP123 (1:52:06 PM): exactly
IDestiny07 (1:52:42 PM): I don't even like alcohol so much anymore....I feel like shit most times while I drink, and definitely the next day
IDestiny07 (1:53:18 PM): I get drunk and I do stupid stuff, I know I do and say things that I regret, I think about that before and during the time that I am drinkin, although I ignore it while I drink, it's easier then
LanaP123 (1:53:26 PM): What is Social Phobia/Social Anxiety? read this
LanaP123 (1:53:54 PM): this totally describes the fears you just told me about
LanaP123 (1:54:14 PM): if I'm doing my diagnosis thing again, just tell me to stop
IDestiny07 (1:54:29 PM): your okay
LanaP123 (1:54:31 PM): but I don't know what else to say or do
IDestiny07 (1:54:46 PM): what i've read so far makes sense to me, but I'm not as bad I don't think...the same kinda stuff though
LanaP123 (1:55:03 PM): I'm absolutely convinced this is what's wrong with me but I haven't read enough about it....maybe it's genetic
IDestiny07 (1:55:19 PM): Once the call is made and over, she sits, analyzes, and ruminates about what was said, what tone it was said in, and how she was perceived by the other person....her anxiety and racing thoughts concerning the call prove to her that she "goofed" this conversation up, too, just like she always does TOTALLY ME
LanaP123 (1:55:41 PM): I just think I look worse because I'm not one to drink and I don't have anything to "cover up" my fears so I just don't go anywhere
LanaP123 (1:55:58 PM): me too!!!
IDestiny07 (1:56:16 PM): Sometimes she gets embarrassed just thinking about the call.
I do that about alot of things other than phone calls, and I winch, physically winch, eyes-nose and all, when I think about what I did
IDestiny07 (1:56:54 PM): thats what I feel like I'm getting to Lana, I'm not wanting to leave the house or do anything
IDestiny07 (1:57:08 PM): I dont' want to leave the house and I dont' want to be alone, no wonder I'm going crazy
LanaP123 (1:57:11 PM): oh me too! I've said or done things years ago that still give me that horrible self-conscious wanna hide feeling even now when I think about them
LanaP123 (1:57:50 PM): heart racing, goose bumps, sweating - all of it
IDestiny07 (1:58:05 PM): I hate it
IDestiny07 (1:58:16 PM): I know it's wrong but what do you do?
IDestiny07 (1:58:38 PM): and going to a therepist, well, don't you think that would be hard to do just from the fact that you're scared of everything else anyways
LanaP123 (1:58:42 PM): but yet I'm too ashamed to tell a doctor about it - I'd be like "he's gonna thing I'm insane and dumb and that I'm wasting his time"
LanaP123 (1:59:22 PM): think
IDestiny07 (1:59:50 PM): I know what ya mean
LanaP123 (2:00:28 PM): I know it would be hard - and I can't very well say that's what you should do 'cause I can't even do it - but I don't want anything to happen to you either
LanaP123 (2:00:40 PM): and I think I've adapted better to my fears than you seem to be
IDestiny07 (2:01:18 PM): I'm freakin out here......I never used to be this bad
LanaP123 (2:01:24 PM): and I don't want all these fears to overwhelm you and cause you to do something to yourself
LanaP123 (2:01:39 PM): or to cause you to do something you'll regret later
IDestiny07 (2:02:56 PM): yeah, I know.....it's off and on, some days it's better than others, I have days of complete confidence, and others of complete fear
IDestiny07 (2:03:19 PM): I have to change miki's diaper......brb
LanaP123 (2:03:23 PM): k
IDestiny07 (2:06:44 PM): back
LanaP123 (2:23:29 PM): Caleb's whining to play his kitty game and I need to finish my accounting assignment so I guess I should get off here
IDestiny07 (2:23:38 PM): okay
IDestiny07 (2:23:45 PM): I'll talk to you later :-)
LanaP123 (2:23:52 PM): I should be on here later, as always
LanaP123 (2:23:55 PM): alrighty
IDestiny07 (2:23:58 PM): okie
LanaP123 (2:23:59 PM): bye :-)
IDestiny07 (2:24:00 PM): bubye :-)
Good Days - Bad Days
I think my bad days are taking over. I used to be pretty leveled out, only having the bad day's when it was appropriate. Like if Noah and I would argue, or my mother would freak out on me, things like that. But it's becoming more and more clear to me that I don't even need a reason to have a bad day. It just happens. I couldn't begin to give an explaination either, other than it's because i'm lonely. Lonely inside, lonely outside, living without purpose or reason for why I do what I do. I just feel like I exist, not knowing why. Floating really. Okay, so maybe thats a little more of an explaination, but saying it doesn't seem to change anything.
Noah's mr. supportive in all this. But I think the more supportive he is the more I want to hate him. Like yesterday for example.
Sunday's are beginning to seem like the ultimate bad days. There hasn't been a Sunday that I wasn't pissed off, feeling like shit, or wanting to sleep all day in a long time. I can just about count on Sundays to be bad. So yes, yesterday was a bad day, too, being as it was a sunday and all. Noah, Miki, and I were all at my sisters house trying to fix noah's car, for the second day in a row. Fix one thing, find out something else is wrong, blahda blahda blah. None of us had ate, so around 1pm I yelled to my brother in law, Keith, to "tell my husband that the next time i see him he'd better have food". I was laying on the couch, in a pissy mood for no real reason, and watching tv. I knew one thing, that I didn't want to be there dickin with that damn car again. Well, noah left to get food, since he had to get antifreeze for the car anyways. He came back with a bunch of McDonalds sandwiches and a 12pk of Pepsi. That pissed me off. I know what your thinking, and yes, I'm a bitch. He did what I said, and I got mad. I know it's mean, rude, pathetic. Well, get me a doc and get me on pills or something cause I can't help it anymore. It just takes over. So I get pissed. Wanna know why. He didn't get me a meal, with fries for Mikayla. I guess I didn't want to fight over sandwiches, I wanted a meal that was specifically bought for me. I guess I just wanted to be a bitch, for a good excuse to leave. So I did. I told noah i was going home, and to my surprise, he said "go home then". Well, that pissed me off even more. So I grabbed Mikayla and her diaper bad, and out the door I went. Noah told me to take food, I said no. So what does he do, he follows me out the door with two sandwiches, and puts them in my car while I'm telling him "I don't want them" the whole time. He sits them down and just walks away, so i get furious. I pick em up and throw em at him. Well, not directly at him, but I did hear later he was hit with a bun.
I was so mad at this point I forgot that I didn't buckle Mikayla in her car seat until after I drove off. I had to stop on a side street and buckle her in. I feel bad, I'm glad she didn't go flying around in the car or something. After buckling miki back in, I look over and realize that noah left the antifreeze in my car, and would probably need it, so I drove back to my sister's house, stopping in the street in front of the house to throw the antifreeze in the front yard.
I speed off again, and go twards the gas station to get gas. I didn't want to go home, and I only had enough gas to get home. I stop at the pump and fish through my purse looking for my checkcard to pay at the pump. I couldn't find it. The only one I could find was the one that had my old name on it from before we were married, and I knew that it was probably inactive. So that pissed me off even more. I screamed "fuck it!" in my head and headed back to my sister's house. I took Mikayla and her diaper bag inside, and told my sister to tell noah "I hope he gets his car working". She asked me what I was doing, and i told her i was leaving, and walked out the door. I went back to my car and got her carseat out and sat in on the ground. As I was getting back in the car to leave, noah walked up to the car to talk to me. I had already shut the door and was talking to him with the window partly down. I even locked the door when he walked up, I guess I expected him to do more than he did, even though he has never been that way. He asked me what I was doing, I told him I'm leaving, he asked "where are you going", I said "wherever I want to", and he said "be safe, don't do anything that's gonna hurt yourself", I said, "why not, thats the fun part", and drove off.
I guess you could say that I wanted him to beg me to stay, or atleast put up more of a fight than "be safe". My mind was reeling. I didn't know whether to drive my car into a telephone pole or go find the dope man. I haven't done dope in a couple of years, but I figured that would be as good a time as any. The fact was, though, I had nowhere to go, no dope man to find, no one to talk to that would care, nothing to do except hurt myself or go home. So I decided to just go home. The whole way I'm thinking about my life. How I live a dull existence, far from what I used to be. I dont' have any friends anymore, no one to talk to or hang out with. Well, I can hang out with my step-sister shiela, but she only cares about herself and what she wants. I could hang out with my step-brother jimmy, but I can't get over the fact that he and his girlfriend went behind my back and put a couple of their bills in my name (phone and electric). They're still trying to pay me back for the $400 electric bill I had to pay for them that was in my name. I get a whole $20-$40 a month, and thats only after I nag them about it. Lana is the closest one that I have that I can talk to, but half the time I'm worried about what I'm gonna say that might piss her off. Am I gonna piss her off talking about our bills, when we have more money than she does and we don't have to live paycheck to paycheck like they do? Am I gonna piss her off talking about mikayla, and how smart I think she is, because Lana is worried about her two boys having autism? Am I gonna irritate her by telling her what happened when I hung out with jimmy or shiela, because she doesn't like what they do with their life and isn't afraid to tell me about it?
Then you have my mother, the joy of all joys. She's the sweetest one of the bunch, by far (sarcastically). She makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells everytime I see her. God forbid I don't wear the proper shoes, she'll tell me how they don't fit, that they are too small (when I've worn them for over a year and they fit just fine). She'll be the first one to tell me that my reaction to something (doesnt' matter what) was not appropriate, that I wasn't appreiciative enough or excited enough or upset enough for her.
I'm just tired of it all, and I dont' know what to do, nor do I have the motivation, to change anything.
So I get back home, and I dig around the house looking for my new checkcard. I guess so I had it just in case I thought of something to do. Which I didn't. I just sat, and sat, and sat. Thinking "should I go to the store and get some pills, should I find a sharp knife?". I didn't know what to do, and I'm prolly too chicken shit to do any of it anyways. After a while of just sitting around, I decide to call noah. In my mind I'm thinking, "I'm not gonna let him know that I'm at home. I don't want to seem that pathetic. I'm strong-willed, I have a life. Me big bad bitch, hurrgh!" But none of that came out. We were both like "yup" and "so" and "what's up". Both trying to act pissed, but melting. He proceeded to tell me that he didn't know what to do for me, and didn't know how he was supposed to react. So I just said "I know what to do", and hung up the phone. Of course that left the impression that I was gonna hurt myself, and you could say thats what I wanted him to think. But after a few minutes I thought about it, and called back and told him not to rush the rescue squad to save me, I wasn't gonna do anything stupid. We talked for a little bit longer, and he talked me into coming and picking him up. I told him that i would, but I wasn't going inside, I already felt stupid enough. He said he'd just wait outside. And he did.
We came back to the house, and I just went to bed. I slept from 4 to around 9. I got up just to get something to eat, hung out with noah for a few hours and then we went to bed. I lay there, listening to noah snore as I always do, trying to figure out what every sound is cause I'm deathly afraid that something or someone is in my house. If you think thats crazy, I must be crazy, cause I do that just about every night. I'm sick of myself, complete and totally sick of how much I can't control my thoughts, emotions, or actions anymore. I had to have noah turn on the light on his side of the bed just so i could get to sleep. I'm like a child scared of the closet monster. I don't know what is wrong with me, or even if there is anything wrong with me. I feel like I'm losing control, or atleast my mind.
Noah keeps telling me that it will get better. I can't help but wonder if he's just saying that to shut me up for a little while longer.
I think my bad days are taking over. I used to be pretty leveled out, only having the bad day's when it was appropriate. Like if Noah and I would argue, or my mother would freak out on me, things like that. But it's becoming more and more clear to me that I don't even need a reason to have a bad day. It just happens. I couldn't begin to give an explaination either, other than it's because i'm lonely. Lonely inside, lonely outside, living without purpose or reason for why I do what I do. I just feel like I exist, not knowing why. Floating really. Okay, so maybe thats a little more of an explaination, but saying it doesn't seem to change anything.
Noah's mr. supportive in all this. But I think the more supportive he is the more I want to hate him. Like yesterday for example.
Sunday's are beginning to seem like the ultimate bad days. There hasn't been a Sunday that I wasn't pissed off, feeling like shit, or wanting to sleep all day in a long time. I can just about count on Sundays to be bad. So yes, yesterday was a bad day, too, being as it was a sunday and all. Noah, Miki, and I were all at my sisters house trying to fix noah's car, for the second day in a row. Fix one thing, find out something else is wrong, blahda blahda blah. None of us had ate, so around 1pm I yelled to my brother in law, Keith, to "tell my husband that the next time i see him he'd better have food". I was laying on the couch, in a pissy mood for no real reason, and watching tv. I knew one thing, that I didn't want to be there dickin with that damn car again. Well, noah left to get food, since he had to get antifreeze for the car anyways. He came back with a bunch of McDonalds sandwiches and a 12pk of Pepsi. That pissed me off. I know what your thinking, and yes, I'm a bitch. He did what I said, and I got mad. I know it's mean, rude, pathetic. Well, get me a doc and get me on pills or something cause I can't help it anymore. It just takes over. So I get pissed. Wanna know why. He didn't get me a meal, with fries for Mikayla. I guess I didn't want to fight over sandwiches, I wanted a meal that was specifically bought for me. I guess I just wanted to be a bitch, for a good excuse to leave. So I did. I told noah i was going home, and to my surprise, he said "go home then". Well, that pissed me off even more. So I grabbed Mikayla and her diaper bad, and out the door I went. Noah told me to take food, I said no. So what does he do, he follows me out the door with two sandwiches, and puts them in my car while I'm telling him "I don't want them" the whole time. He sits them down and just walks away, so i get furious. I pick em up and throw em at him. Well, not directly at him, but I did hear later he was hit with a bun.
I was so mad at this point I forgot that I didn't buckle Mikayla in her car seat until after I drove off. I had to stop on a side street and buckle her in. I feel bad, I'm glad she didn't go flying around in the car or something. After buckling miki back in, I look over and realize that noah left the antifreeze in my car, and would probably need it, so I drove back to my sister's house, stopping in the street in front of the house to throw the antifreeze in the front yard.
I speed off again, and go twards the gas station to get gas. I didn't want to go home, and I only had enough gas to get home. I stop at the pump and fish through my purse looking for my checkcard to pay at the pump. I couldn't find it. The only one I could find was the one that had my old name on it from before we were married, and I knew that it was probably inactive. So that pissed me off even more. I screamed "fuck it!" in my head and headed back to my sister's house. I took Mikayla and her diaper bag inside, and told my sister to tell noah "I hope he gets his car working". She asked me what I was doing, and i told her i was leaving, and walked out the door. I went back to my car and got her carseat out and sat in on the ground. As I was getting back in the car to leave, noah walked up to the car to talk to me. I had already shut the door and was talking to him with the window partly down. I even locked the door when he walked up, I guess I expected him to do more than he did, even though he has never been that way. He asked me what I was doing, I told him I'm leaving, he asked "where are you going", I said "wherever I want to", and he said "be safe, don't do anything that's gonna hurt yourself", I said, "why not, thats the fun part", and drove off.
I guess you could say that I wanted him to beg me to stay, or atleast put up more of a fight than "be safe". My mind was reeling. I didn't know whether to drive my car into a telephone pole or go find the dope man. I haven't done dope in a couple of years, but I figured that would be as good a time as any. The fact was, though, I had nowhere to go, no dope man to find, no one to talk to that would care, nothing to do except hurt myself or go home. So I decided to just go home. The whole way I'm thinking about my life. How I live a dull existence, far from what I used to be. I dont' have any friends anymore, no one to talk to or hang out with. Well, I can hang out with my step-sister shiela, but she only cares about herself and what she wants. I could hang out with my step-brother jimmy, but I can't get over the fact that he and his girlfriend went behind my back and put a couple of their bills in my name (phone and electric). They're still trying to pay me back for the $400 electric bill I had to pay for them that was in my name. I get a whole $20-$40 a month, and thats only after I nag them about it. Lana is the closest one that I have that I can talk to, but half the time I'm worried about what I'm gonna say that might piss her off. Am I gonna piss her off talking about our bills, when we have more money than she does and we don't have to live paycheck to paycheck like they do? Am I gonna piss her off talking about mikayla, and how smart I think she is, because Lana is worried about her two boys having autism? Am I gonna irritate her by telling her what happened when I hung out with jimmy or shiela, because she doesn't like what they do with their life and isn't afraid to tell me about it?
Then you have my mother, the joy of all joys. She's the sweetest one of the bunch, by far (sarcastically). She makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells everytime I see her. God forbid I don't wear the proper shoes, she'll tell me how they don't fit, that they are too small (when I've worn them for over a year and they fit just fine). She'll be the first one to tell me that my reaction to something (doesnt' matter what) was not appropriate, that I wasn't appreiciative enough or excited enough or upset enough for her.
I'm just tired of it all, and I dont' know what to do, nor do I have the motivation, to change anything.
So I get back home, and I dig around the house looking for my new checkcard. I guess so I had it just in case I thought of something to do. Which I didn't. I just sat, and sat, and sat. Thinking "should I go to the store and get some pills, should I find a sharp knife?". I didn't know what to do, and I'm prolly too chicken shit to do any of it anyways. After a while of just sitting around, I decide to call noah. In my mind I'm thinking, "I'm not gonna let him know that I'm at home. I don't want to seem that pathetic. I'm strong-willed, I have a life. Me big bad bitch, hurrgh!" But none of that came out. We were both like "yup" and "so" and "what's up". Both trying to act pissed, but melting. He proceeded to tell me that he didn't know what to do for me, and didn't know how he was supposed to react. So I just said "I know what to do", and hung up the phone. Of course that left the impression that I was gonna hurt myself, and you could say thats what I wanted him to think. But after a few minutes I thought about it, and called back and told him not to rush the rescue squad to save me, I wasn't gonna do anything stupid. We talked for a little bit longer, and he talked me into coming and picking him up. I told him that i would, but I wasn't going inside, I already felt stupid enough. He said he'd just wait outside. And he did.
We came back to the house, and I just went to bed. I slept from 4 to around 9. I got up just to get something to eat, hung out with noah for a few hours and then we went to bed. I lay there, listening to noah snore as I always do, trying to figure out what every sound is cause I'm deathly afraid that something or someone is in my house. If you think thats crazy, I must be crazy, cause I do that just about every night. I'm sick of myself, complete and totally sick of how much I can't control my thoughts, emotions, or actions anymore. I had to have noah turn on the light on his side of the bed just so i could get to sleep. I'm like a child scared of the closet monster. I don't know what is wrong with me, or even if there is anything wrong with me. I feel like I'm losing control, or atleast my mind.
Noah keeps telling me that it will get better. I can't help but wonder if he's just saying that to shut me up for a little while longer.
Saturday, October 05, 2002
Something else I found on the internet. Someone took parts of the movie and put their own two cents in. It's read worthy.
Waking Life
Waking Life
Waking Life
We watched Waking Life last night, and I have to tell you, that we loved it! An absolutely recommended movie. If anyone out there likes to think about their existence, why they're here, and why they dream, WATCH THIS MOVIE.
Here's some video clips to check out
We just rented it last night, but I'm gonna run out and buy it today. That's how much I like it. I never buy movies, unless their in the bargin dvd bin.
It's animated, well, sort of. The film makers took real digital video film off camcorders, and then used that to create the animated movie. It's surreal, abstract, and so confusing and intellectual, you don't know whether to love it or hate it. I swear, the first 15 mins made me want to break the dvd, but I kept watching. I was glued to the screen, trying to figure out what was gonna happen next. The characters are intriguing, with facinating minds and unbelievably awesome theories!
This movie made me want to stop it from time to time just to absorb all the information I was receiving, and then go back to listen to more. But I wouldn't have gotten the full effect of the movie in anyway if I would have done that.
Just watch the movie, read about it, discuss it. Don't just read that I watched it. Go watch it yourself. Trust me, it's worth it!
We watched Waking Life last night, and I have to tell you, that we loved it! An absolutely recommended movie. If anyone out there likes to think about their existence, why they're here, and why they dream, WATCH THIS MOVIE.
Here's some video clips to check out
We just rented it last night, but I'm gonna run out and buy it today. That's how much I like it. I never buy movies, unless their in the bargin dvd bin.
It's animated, well, sort of. The film makers took real digital video film off camcorders, and then used that to create the animated movie. It's surreal, abstract, and so confusing and intellectual, you don't know whether to love it or hate it. I swear, the first 15 mins made me want to break the dvd, but I kept watching. I was glued to the screen, trying to figure out what was gonna happen next. The characters are intriguing, with facinating minds and unbelievably awesome theories!
This movie made me want to stop it from time to time just to absorb all the information I was receiving, and then go back to listen to more. But I wouldn't have gotten the full effect of the movie in anyway if I would have done that.
Just watch the movie, read about it, discuss it. Don't just read that I watched it. Go watch it yourself. Trust me, it's worth it!
Friday, October 04, 2002
WHAT WHAT?!?!?
Read This
Some woman with a case against Phillip Morris won $28 BILLION, and yess, I said BILLION! dollars in a tobacco case. I guess it was for "punitive damages". Wow, no wonder why people are going after McDonalds. All that money out there to be had. I just can't believe that they gave ONE woman that much money. What about awarding her a fair share, and making them pay the rest out to stop smoking campaigns such as JEL (Just Eliminate Lies). I mean, damn, what's one woman gonna do with $28 BILLION dollars?
Read This
Some woman with a case against Phillip Morris won $28 BILLION, and yess, I said BILLION! dollars in a tobacco case. I guess it was for "punitive damages". Wow, no wonder why people are going after McDonalds. All that money out there to be had. I just can't believe that they gave ONE woman that much money. What about awarding her a fair share, and making them pay the rest out to stop smoking campaigns such as JEL (Just Eliminate Lies). I mean, damn, what's one woman gonna do with $28 BILLION dollars?
If you want an update on Caleb, my nephew who was just diagnosed with autism, check out my sister's blog:
Just This Side of Normal
She's moving some stuff around, but hopefully she doesn't have the trouble that I did in losing archieves or anything. That really sux. But the Great Almighty Me is here now with a month and a half of blogging experience to properly help her out! Woo-Hoo!!
Okay, so basically what I'm tryin to say is that if she has problem's, can she email you?
*hangs head in shame and walks away*
........
Just This Side of Normal
She's moving some stuff around, but hopefully she doesn't have the trouble that I did in losing archieves or anything. That really sux. But the Great Almighty Me is here now with a month and a half of blogging experience to properly help her out! Woo-Hoo!!
Okay, so basically what I'm tryin to say is that if she has problem's, can she email you?
*hangs head in shame and walks away*
........
Thursday, October 03, 2002
I dont' know what to say, I don't know what to see. I should be blogging about last night's dinner, but I can't.
Frustrated, confused. And the worst part, is that anybody reading this probably won't understand all the details. So here they are:
Mom left real dad when I was in the womb
Mom got with with step-dad when I was under 1 yr
Step-dad was with us until mom left when I was 12
Was always close to step-dad
Went back and lived with step-dad when I was 14
Talked to real dad by me calling him when I was 17
Seen and talked to real dad on and off since then
There ya go. That sets up the scene, so to say.
So my real dad calls tonight, his name is Al. I don't call him dad, never have been able to. He floors me with this thing that my step-dad, we'll call him JR, that JR is tormenting my sister Lana's child, who has autism. Lana is my older sister by 1 year, and also Al's daughter. So Al is really protective of his kids, I guess. And he's really pissed off that this is happening. I love my step-dad, but I also know that he isn't one for treatments , per-say. He won't even take pills, except for his blood pressure cause he'll die otherwise. So I guess, I understand his ignorance, not saying that it's right.
Hell, I didn't even hear about it until Al told me he heard if from Lana. And I have to sit there and listen to Al tell me that he thought my step-dad was a 'bald asshole' for doing what he did. I'm not saying that JR is right for doing what he did. Actually, it pisses me off what he did. The fact that any child with a problem is tormented and don't know why is absolutely FUCKED UP and PATHETIC!! But I don't want to hear someone that hasn't been there for me for 17 years of my life tell me that the person that was there for me for ALL THOSE YEARS was a 'fucked up person'. I don't know, please respond with what you think, cause at this point I dont' know what to think. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm pissed the fuck off!
I try to love, I try to think logically about things, but emotions arn't logical. I have never told Al that I'm mad that he was never there, maybe I should. But how do you tell someone that and how would it affect the relationship that now stands?
Is it the things that Al says that piss me off, or just what he said about JR without knowing him?
I'm thinking it's more of what Al said about JR.
Al was never there to pick me up at 3am when I wrecked my Mustang on a dirt road. Al wasn't there to have a place to stay when my mother exiled me from her life. JR was.
How do you take the dad that you've always known and suddenly put him on the back of the 'daddy' burner? Thats what I want to know. I want to love my real dad.
Here's where it gets crazy
Changing tones for a little bit, you have to understand this really crazy point in the connection between my real dad (Al) and I. Probably about a little over a year ago, my sister had everyone over to her house for some occasion (I can't remember the occasion). Al, his family(wife, Tanya..our two half sisters, Tina-2 years younger, Traci-3 years younger), Lana's family, and my family. We were having fun playin video games, making dinner (goulash), and having a few drinks.
Well, I was sitting at Lana's kitchen table with Lana, Al, and myself while everyone else was playing video games. We were drinking (except Lana) and talking about dreams and what they mean. Al was telling me that I should write down my dreams. He also was telling me that I should pray for my dreams to talk to me and tell me what they meant. And that a voice would come out and talk to me through my dreams, if done properly. Of course, we thought he was crazy, just kinda put it off that he was just drunk. So I just got up to go into the kitchen to get another beer, and he followed me to make another drink (rum and coke).
While we were in the kitchen, we were talking about the same kinda thing. The energy between dreams, and God, and how it's all connected. Well, he asked me to do something for him. Just to see, I guess. I knew exactly what he was doing, and I'll tell you why in a bit. He asked me to lay my hands out, and he put his hands above mine. He closed his eyes, and I got the feeling that I should 'focus' on the energy. So I did. I left it come, and it came. Something, I can't tell you what, but it came. A flowing energy through him to me to him and through everything.
Now, the reason I tell you I knew it was coming, is because I have felt it before. I had a boyfriend who was the best friend, of a boyfriend who I had that had just died, (I'll let ya know, just ask) that I had exchanged that (with lack of a better way of explaining it) emotion with. I also had another boyfriend who I was able to do that with, his name was Eric. In trying to connect to that energy with him, he told me to stop taking his energy. That made me feel that it was bad to try and 'connect' with that energy, and that I was bad for doing or even thinking about it. And so I stopped even thinking about trying to do it.
An then here it happened, with the dad that I hadn't ever really knew. With Al, I connected like I hadn't done in a long time. He knew that there was a connection as well as I did, that thats what makes me know that I'm not crazy. He even told me that he thought that I was an 'older soul', whatever that means. I haven't heard about it ever since, except that he acknowedges that it happened. I want to know if there is something that I got from his that I should know about. Like gene wise or whatever.
I'm not trying to claim that I'm, in anyway, able to tap into the 'other' world. The psychic, or however you spell it, world (that shows you how 'connected' I am). I guess you could say that I want direction from him. But in the midst of all that need, I have a need for my own emotions. I'm mad at him, for not being there, for telling me that the person that was there (JR) is 'wrong'. Please, someone instruct me. Tell me I'm wrong, tell me I'm right. Tell me whatever, cause at this point, I do not know anything.
Frustrated, confused. And the worst part, is that anybody reading this probably won't understand all the details. So here they are:
Mom left real dad when I was in the womb
Mom got with with step-dad when I was under 1 yr
Step-dad was with us until mom left when I was 12
Was always close to step-dad
Went back and lived with step-dad when I was 14
Talked to real dad by me calling him when I was 17
Seen and talked to real dad on and off since then
There ya go. That sets up the scene, so to say.
So my real dad calls tonight, his name is Al. I don't call him dad, never have been able to. He floors me with this thing that my step-dad, we'll call him JR, that JR is tormenting my sister Lana's child, who has autism. Lana is my older sister by 1 year, and also Al's daughter. So Al is really protective of his kids, I guess. And he's really pissed off that this is happening. I love my step-dad, but I also know that he isn't one for treatments , per-say. He won't even take pills, except for his blood pressure cause he'll die otherwise. So I guess, I understand his ignorance, not saying that it's right.
Hell, I didn't even hear about it until Al told me he heard if from Lana. And I have to sit there and listen to Al tell me that he thought my step-dad was a 'bald asshole' for doing what he did. I'm not saying that JR is right for doing what he did. Actually, it pisses me off what he did. The fact that any child with a problem is tormented and don't know why is absolutely FUCKED UP and PATHETIC!! But I don't want to hear someone that hasn't been there for me for 17 years of my life tell me that the person that was there for me for ALL THOSE YEARS was a 'fucked up person'. I don't know, please respond with what you think, cause at this point I dont' know what to think. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm pissed the fuck off!
I try to love, I try to think logically about things, but emotions arn't logical. I have never told Al that I'm mad that he was never there, maybe I should. But how do you tell someone that and how would it affect the relationship that now stands?
Is it the things that Al says that piss me off, or just what he said about JR without knowing him?
I'm thinking it's more of what Al said about JR.
Al was never there to pick me up at 3am when I wrecked my Mustang on a dirt road. Al wasn't there to have a place to stay when my mother exiled me from her life. JR was.
How do you take the dad that you've always known and suddenly put him on the back of the 'daddy' burner? Thats what I want to know. I want to love my real dad.
Here's where it gets crazy
Changing tones for a little bit, you have to understand this really crazy point in the connection between my real dad (Al) and I. Probably about a little over a year ago, my sister had everyone over to her house for some occasion (I can't remember the occasion). Al, his family(wife, Tanya..our two half sisters, Tina-2 years younger, Traci-3 years younger), Lana's family, and my family. We were having fun playin video games, making dinner (goulash), and having a few drinks.
Well, I was sitting at Lana's kitchen table with Lana, Al, and myself while everyone else was playing video games. We were drinking (except Lana) and talking about dreams and what they mean. Al was telling me that I should write down my dreams. He also was telling me that I should pray for my dreams to talk to me and tell me what they meant. And that a voice would come out and talk to me through my dreams, if done properly. Of course, we thought he was crazy, just kinda put it off that he was just drunk. So I just got up to go into the kitchen to get another beer, and he followed me to make another drink (rum and coke).
While we were in the kitchen, we were talking about the same kinda thing. The energy between dreams, and God, and how it's all connected. Well, he asked me to do something for him. Just to see, I guess. I knew exactly what he was doing, and I'll tell you why in a bit. He asked me to lay my hands out, and he put his hands above mine. He closed his eyes, and I got the feeling that I should 'focus' on the energy. So I did. I left it come, and it came. Something, I can't tell you what, but it came. A flowing energy through him to me to him and through everything.
Now, the reason I tell you I knew it was coming, is because I have felt it before. I had a boyfriend who was the best friend, of a boyfriend who I had that had just died, (I'll let ya know, just ask) that I had exchanged that (with lack of a better way of explaining it) emotion with. I also had another boyfriend who I was able to do that with, his name was Eric. In trying to connect to that energy with him, he told me to stop taking his energy. That made me feel that it was bad to try and 'connect' with that energy, and that I was bad for doing or even thinking about it. And so I stopped even thinking about trying to do it.
An then here it happened, with the dad that I hadn't ever really knew. With Al, I connected like I hadn't done in a long time. He knew that there was a connection as well as I did, that thats what makes me know that I'm not crazy. He even told me that he thought that I was an 'older soul', whatever that means. I haven't heard about it ever since, except that he acknowedges that it happened. I want to know if there is something that I got from his that I should know about. Like gene wise or whatever.
I'm not trying to claim that I'm, in anyway, able to tap into the 'other' world. The psychic, or however you spell it, world (that shows you how 'connected' I am). I guess you could say that I want direction from him. But in the midst of all that need, I have a need for my own emotions. I'm mad at him, for not being there, for telling me that the person that was there (JR) is 'wrong'. Please, someone instruct me. Tell me I'm wrong, tell me I'm right. Tell me whatever, cause at this point, I do not know anything.
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
It's official, Caleb has autism. I'll give you all the details later, I have to entertain our guest.
Lp0pej0y (4:10:15 PM): you there?
IDestiny07 (4:10:17 PM): yup
IDestiny07 (4:10:19 PM): whats up
Lp0pej0y (4:10:36 PM): it's official....the lady called a little bit ago and said he has autism
IDestiny07 (4:10:44 PM): any particular form?
Lp0pej0y (4:11:06 PM): I even asked her where he fell on the spectrum and she said he didn't score low enough to just have PDD - that he has autism
IDestiny07 (4:11:17 PM): really?>
IDestiny07 (4:11:25 PM): is it considered high functioning??
IDestiny07 (4:11:27 PM): anything?
IDestiny07 (4:11:32 PM): just autism?
Lp0pej0y (4:11:34 PM): I don't know - I didn't ask that
IDestiny07 (4:11:50 PM): now I'd be more frustrated then I was before if I were you
Lp0pej0y (4:11:58 PM): she did say that the outlook for him was great - that he has some social skills and his language is pretty good
Lp0pej0y (4:12:10 PM): and he's making progress with Barb so she thinks he'll do great in that preschool
IDestiny07 (4:12:24 PM): so they gonna put him in the special needs school?
Lp0pej0y (4:13:18 PM): more than likely.....Barb called today and basically asked me which way I was leaning and I told her the special school....so I imagine once she hears of his official autism diagnosis that she'll start drawing up the papers
IDestiny07 (4:13:34 PM): cool, hopefully thats soon
IDestiny07 (4:13:52 PM): I say the next time the people come out, this fri ? - I say that you start talkin about cameron
IDestiny07 (4:14:01 PM): how do you feel?
Lp0pej0y (4:14:20 PM): we'll still be going tomorrow but she said that was just so they could gather some more information so they know what kinds of things will help him in school (like a picture schedule)
Lp0pej0y (4:14:53 PM): I'm ok - I feel better knowing that what's wrong with him has a name
Lp0pej0y (4:15:07 PM): and everybody who thinks I'm nuts can kiss off lol
Lp0pej0y (4:15:18 PM): we're definitely going to be talking about Cameron
IDestiny07 (4:15:24 PM): good
IDestiny07 (4:15:44 PM): I just want to make sure you are okay.....even though this is what you expected, it's gotta be hard to listen to officially
Lp0pej0y (4:15:47 PM): this lady said that she'll be drawing up an official report by the end of this week and then next week probably we'll have an official meeting
IDestiny07 (4:16:01 PM): official meeting? whats that for?
Lp0pej0y (4:16:01 PM): to discuss Caleb's future and all that and we'll probably bring it up then
IDestiny07 (4:16:45 PM): yeah, definitely get started on cameron and everything you need to do for caleb
IDestiny07 (4:17:13 PM): but don't deny your own feelings, Lana, if you are hurt, don't hide it......I would most definitely understand why
Lp0pej0y (4:17:14 PM): she's going to give us a copy of her official report and a bunch of other papers and books and stuff
IDestiny07 (4:18:21 PM): cool
Lp0pej0y (4:18:29 PM): actually, it's so weird - I feel almost relieved about Caleb now 'cause I know what's going on - my fears are getting transferred to Cameron now
IDestiny07 (4:19:06 PM): yeah, I guess I can understand that
IDestiny07 (4:19:36 PM): when you get that report, you should blog it, along with side notes of your own personal feelings
IDestiny07 (4:19:45 PM): that might help get some things out, if you need to
Lp0pej0y (4:19:51 PM): I have faith that once Caleb gets in school that he'll make really good progress - I know he'll probably never be totally "normal" - but he'll be getting help
IDestiny07 (4:22:24 PM): sorry, stew was burning.....lol
Lp0pej0y (4:22:31 PM): lol
Lp0pej0y (4:23:17 PM): tonight will be spent "informing the public" lol gotta call mom, and Keith's mom, email Al and instant message you lol
IDestiny07 (4:23:24 PM): lol
Lp0pej0y (4:23:38 PM): oh and blog lol
IDestiny07 (4:23:41 PM): hehe
IDestiny07 (4:23:58 PM): make sure you take your time, and call me if someone seems really rude
Lp0pej0y (4:24:29 PM): oh I expect that to be Keith's mom
IDestiny07 (4:24:36 PM): screw her, she's an idiot
IDestiny07 (4:24:55 PM): she'll prolly say it came from our side.......ha!
Lp0pej0y (4:25:14 PM): lol
IDestiny07 (4:26:09 PM): or she'll say that she knows the person that did the evaluation and they were known for misdiagnosing children, and that we should call our local school board committee member and elect for the petitioning of a ------aaa, nevermind, she wouldn't even have let her brain get that far....lol
Lp0pej0y (4:26:28 PM): LOL
IDestiny07 (4:29:38 PM): so who ya plannin on callin first>?
Lp0pej0y (4:30:28 PM): I guess only mom....Keith's not calling his mother after all
IDestiny07 (4:30:42 PM): yeah, not worth the trouble
Lp0pej0y (4:30:51 PM): I guess it's no fun when they're not talking about him
IDestiny07 (4:31:14 PM): not talking about him?
IDestiny07 (4:31:18 PM): keith?
Lp0pej0y (4:31:37 PM): yeah
IDestiny07 (4:31:44 PM): oh geezz
IDestiny07 (4:34:23 PM): well let me know what mom says.....I hope she isn't harsh
Lp0pej0y (4:35:20 PM): who knows....she isn't exactly predictable lol
Lp0pej0y (4:35:26 PM): you got company yet?
IDestiny07 (4:35:53 PM): nope
IDestiny07 (4:35:56 PM): not til 530
Lp0pej0y (4:36:18 PM): ok...just wondered what I was interrupting...other than the stew lol
IDestiny07 (4:37:05 PM): lol
IDestiny07 (4:37:16 PM): stew's done, a bit earlier then expected, but it'll be okay
Lp0pej0y (4:10:15 PM): you there?
IDestiny07 (4:10:17 PM): yup
IDestiny07 (4:10:19 PM): whats up
Lp0pej0y (4:10:36 PM): it's official....the lady called a little bit ago and said he has autism
IDestiny07 (4:10:44 PM): any particular form?
Lp0pej0y (4:11:06 PM): I even asked her where he fell on the spectrum and she said he didn't score low enough to just have PDD - that he has autism
IDestiny07 (4:11:17 PM): really?>
IDestiny07 (4:11:25 PM): is it considered high functioning??
IDestiny07 (4:11:27 PM): anything?
IDestiny07 (4:11:32 PM): just autism?
Lp0pej0y (4:11:34 PM): I don't know - I didn't ask that
IDestiny07 (4:11:50 PM): now I'd be more frustrated then I was before if I were you
Lp0pej0y (4:11:58 PM): she did say that the outlook for him was great - that he has some social skills and his language is pretty good
Lp0pej0y (4:12:10 PM): and he's making progress with Barb so she thinks he'll do great in that preschool
IDestiny07 (4:12:24 PM): so they gonna put him in the special needs school?
Lp0pej0y (4:13:18 PM): more than likely.....Barb called today and basically asked me which way I was leaning and I told her the special school....so I imagine once she hears of his official autism diagnosis that she'll start drawing up the papers
IDestiny07 (4:13:34 PM): cool, hopefully thats soon
IDestiny07 (4:13:52 PM): I say the next time the people come out, this fri ? - I say that you start talkin about cameron
IDestiny07 (4:14:01 PM): how do you feel?
Lp0pej0y (4:14:20 PM): we'll still be going tomorrow but she said that was just so they could gather some more information so they know what kinds of things will help him in school (like a picture schedule)
Lp0pej0y (4:14:53 PM): I'm ok - I feel better knowing that what's wrong with him has a name
Lp0pej0y (4:15:07 PM): and everybody who thinks I'm nuts can kiss off lol
Lp0pej0y (4:15:18 PM): we're definitely going to be talking about Cameron
IDestiny07 (4:15:24 PM): good
IDestiny07 (4:15:44 PM): I just want to make sure you are okay.....even though this is what you expected, it's gotta be hard to listen to officially
Lp0pej0y (4:15:47 PM): this lady said that she'll be drawing up an official report by the end of this week and then next week probably we'll have an official meeting
IDestiny07 (4:16:01 PM): official meeting? whats that for?
Lp0pej0y (4:16:01 PM): to discuss Caleb's future and all that and we'll probably bring it up then
IDestiny07 (4:16:45 PM): yeah, definitely get started on cameron and everything you need to do for caleb
IDestiny07 (4:17:13 PM): but don't deny your own feelings, Lana, if you are hurt, don't hide it......I would most definitely understand why
Lp0pej0y (4:17:14 PM): she's going to give us a copy of her official report and a bunch of other papers and books and stuff
IDestiny07 (4:18:21 PM): cool
Lp0pej0y (4:18:29 PM): actually, it's so weird - I feel almost relieved about Caleb now 'cause I know what's going on - my fears are getting transferred to Cameron now
IDestiny07 (4:19:06 PM): yeah, I guess I can understand that
IDestiny07 (4:19:36 PM): when you get that report, you should blog it, along with side notes of your own personal feelings
IDestiny07 (4:19:45 PM): that might help get some things out, if you need to
Lp0pej0y (4:19:51 PM): I have faith that once Caleb gets in school that he'll make really good progress - I know he'll probably never be totally "normal" - but he'll be getting help
IDestiny07 (4:22:24 PM): sorry, stew was burning.....lol
Lp0pej0y (4:22:31 PM): lol
Lp0pej0y (4:23:17 PM): tonight will be spent "informing the public" lol gotta call mom, and Keith's mom, email Al and instant message you lol
IDestiny07 (4:23:24 PM): lol
Lp0pej0y (4:23:38 PM): oh and blog lol
IDestiny07 (4:23:41 PM): hehe
IDestiny07 (4:23:58 PM): make sure you take your time, and call me if someone seems really rude
Lp0pej0y (4:24:29 PM): oh I expect that to be Keith's mom
IDestiny07 (4:24:36 PM): screw her, she's an idiot
IDestiny07 (4:24:55 PM): she'll prolly say it came from our side.......ha!
Lp0pej0y (4:25:14 PM): lol
IDestiny07 (4:26:09 PM): or she'll say that she knows the person that did the evaluation and they were known for misdiagnosing children, and that we should call our local school board committee member and elect for the petitioning of a ------aaa, nevermind, she wouldn't even have let her brain get that far....lol
Lp0pej0y (4:26:28 PM): LOL
IDestiny07 (4:29:38 PM): so who ya plannin on callin first>?
Lp0pej0y (4:30:28 PM): I guess only mom....Keith's not calling his mother after all
IDestiny07 (4:30:42 PM): yeah, not worth the trouble
Lp0pej0y (4:30:51 PM): I guess it's no fun when they're not talking about him
IDestiny07 (4:31:14 PM): not talking about him?
IDestiny07 (4:31:18 PM): keith?
Lp0pej0y (4:31:37 PM): yeah
IDestiny07 (4:31:44 PM): oh geezz
IDestiny07 (4:34:23 PM): well let me know what mom says.....I hope she isn't harsh
Lp0pej0y (4:35:20 PM): who knows....she isn't exactly predictable lol
Lp0pej0y (4:35:26 PM): you got company yet?
IDestiny07 (4:35:53 PM): nope
IDestiny07 (4:35:56 PM): not til 530
Lp0pej0y (4:36:18 PM): ok...just wondered what I was interrupting...other than the stew lol
IDestiny07 (4:37:05 PM): lol
IDestiny07 (4:37:16 PM): stew's done, a bit earlier then expected, but it'll be okay
Full Thoughts of Veggie Stew
We're having a guest over for dinner tonight. He's a friend of Noah's, named Jon Paul, or JP for short. We decided to invite him over to have some nice homemade stew and to discuss current political and worldly topics. It will be interesting to hear his take on things, considering he's in his 3rd year in college, majoring in political psychology. I guess he's some sort of cousin of Iowa Senator Tom Harkin, althought I don't think they talk or anything. This political stuff must run in his family. I've only met JP a few times, and he seems to be really nice and extremely smart. He does seem to be a party college kid, but with a really good head on his shoulders.
He does intimidate me though, with his good looks, his charm, and his extremely good ability to make an arguement. I can only hope I intimidate him tonight with my extremely clean house and awesome veggie stew! I dont' know what we'll talk about. I feel like I should have an itinerary so I can study up. I'll prolly just sit back and listen. Unless of course I have a few beers and then I tend to get a little gabbier. Maybe I'll just hang back with Mikayla and let the guys gab. I mean, someone has to chase her down and I dont' see either of them doing it. I don't know whether or not I like debate. Sometimes it's good, but most of the time it seems to be that the other person(s) have a stronger opinion than I do and present themselves very well. I guess you could say that I'm a sore loser. I just feel like I don't have an opinion that really matters. I'm no politician, especially against a person who is atleast 3 years my political genious.
This is gonna be an interesting evening though. I mean think about it:
--A Political Pschology Major/College Partier
--A Home Mommy/Drunk Philosopher
--A Professional Computer Geek/Gaming Guru
And to Top it Off!!--Thought Producing Veggie Stew!
Bound to make for an interesting evening......I'll keep ya posted!
We're having a guest over for dinner tonight. He's a friend of Noah's, named Jon Paul, or JP for short. We decided to invite him over to have some nice homemade stew and to discuss current political and worldly topics. It will be interesting to hear his take on things, considering he's in his 3rd year in college, majoring in political psychology. I guess he's some sort of cousin of Iowa Senator Tom Harkin, althought I don't think they talk or anything. This political stuff must run in his family. I've only met JP a few times, and he seems to be really nice and extremely smart. He does seem to be a party college kid, but with a really good head on his shoulders.
He does intimidate me though, with his good looks, his charm, and his extremely good ability to make an arguement. I can only hope I intimidate him tonight with my extremely clean house and awesome veggie stew! I dont' know what we'll talk about. I feel like I should have an itinerary so I can study up. I'll prolly just sit back and listen. Unless of course I have a few beers and then I tend to get a little gabbier. Maybe I'll just hang back with Mikayla and let the guys gab. I mean, someone has to chase her down and I dont' see either of them doing it. I don't know whether or not I like debate. Sometimes it's good, but most of the time it seems to be that the other person(s) have a stronger opinion than I do and present themselves very well. I guess you could say that I'm a sore loser. I just feel like I don't have an opinion that really matters. I'm no politician, especially against a person who is atleast 3 years my political genious.
This is gonna be an interesting evening though. I mean think about it:
--A Political Pschology Major/College Partier
--A Home Mommy/Drunk Philosopher
--A Professional Computer Geek/Gaming Guru
And to Top it Off!!--Thought Producing Veggie Stew!
Bound to make for an interesting evening......I'll keep ya posted!
The Beauty of Life
...written last night
I spent most of the day trying to figure out how corrupt the world is. Why can't Hamdi get a fair trial, even though he's a US citizen? What's in the Homeland Security Bill...etc?-(read this and this)- I think I spent most of the day shaking or freaked out for no reason. I mean, those things need to be looked into, at least understood by a non-media non-government opinion, but I'm too emotional for all that stuff. Just call me CNN's fish, cause when something happens, I'm all over it.
But admist all the paranoia, you have to remind yourself that there's still a world around around you. Atleast that's what I've tried to tell myself tonight.
It's all so weird. The thoughts that go through my head. I sit in the chair in front of the TV, trying to collect my thoughts of the day. Looking over at Noah in front of the computer, happily playing his game, I can't help but think about the small wonders of life. The few things we grasp to keep us sain and happy.
Mikayla is sleeping sound in her bed. Our two kitties, Rio and Dallas, are cleaning each other with such love and prosperity. The storm that came through, threatening our mobile home and personal security, moved through with little rain. One must thank God for that. I guess, in thinking of such a corrupt world. I'm trying to convince myself to believe in the little things. The sound of Mikayla squealing as mommy runs up to her to mass kiss her. Noah happy to enjoy a game thats years old with horrilble graphics, easily letting the world go, atleast for a little while.
I'm not saying to ignore what's going on in the world, or your own views that might change what's going on in the world. Just to live a little. Don't get so caught up in media, or paranoia, or fear.
This is more for me than you, trust me. I'm so good at being a hateful bitch no matter how good life is going. Sometimes I wonder how Noah puts up with me. It's like if I'm not walking the red carpet, I must be in hell. I guess it's good to be knocked off your pedistal every now and then. A lot less pressure.
You gotta admit. Humility sucks though. I mean, when you get completely put in your place, and you feel like a total idiot, that really sucks. Thats another story though.
Everythings not lost. We're still alive right? I can still watch Mikayla crawl as I check the world news. The fall colors are bluming while those horrible laws are passed. I trust and love God for that.
...written last night
I spent most of the day trying to figure out how corrupt the world is. Why can't Hamdi get a fair trial, even though he's a US citizen? What's in the Homeland Security Bill...etc?-(read this and this)- I think I spent most of the day shaking or freaked out for no reason. I mean, those things need to be looked into, at least understood by a non-media non-government opinion, but I'm too emotional for all that stuff. Just call me CNN's fish, cause when something happens, I'm all over it.
But admist all the paranoia, you have to remind yourself that there's still a world around around you. Atleast that's what I've tried to tell myself tonight.
It's all so weird. The thoughts that go through my head. I sit in the chair in front of the TV, trying to collect my thoughts of the day. Looking over at Noah in front of the computer, happily playing his game, I can't help but think about the small wonders of life. The few things we grasp to keep us sain and happy.
Mikayla is sleeping sound in her bed. Our two kitties, Rio and Dallas, are cleaning each other with such love and prosperity. The storm that came through, threatening our mobile home and personal security, moved through with little rain. One must thank God for that. I guess, in thinking of such a corrupt world. I'm trying to convince myself to believe in the little things. The sound of Mikayla squealing as mommy runs up to her to mass kiss her. Noah happy to enjoy a game thats years old with horrilble graphics, easily letting the world go, atleast for a little while.
I'm not saying to ignore what's going on in the world, or your own views that might change what's going on in the world. Just to live a little. Don't get so caught up in media, or paranoia, or fear.
This is more for me than you, trust me. I'm so good at being a hateful bitch no matter how good life is going. Sometimes I wonder how Noah puts up with me. It's like if I'm not walking the red carpet, I must be in hell. I guess it's good to be knocked off your pedistal every now and then. A lot less pressure.
You gotta admit. Humility sucks though. I mean, when you get completely put in your place, and you feel like a total idiot, that really sucks. Thats another story though.
Everythings not lost. We're still alive right? I can still watch Mikayla crawl as I check the world news. The fall colors are bluming while those horrible laws are passed. I trust and love God for that.
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
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