http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59dY8FDbn6s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MsjwVNDnzQ&feature=related

I don't know if I hate myself because I don't want to be honest with myself or if I'm guilty for what I want to do.

I'm supposed to be making a list of things to do. Actually I'm supposed to be making a lot of lists. Here is a list of lists:

Things to clean
Reasons to be sober
Reasons why not to drink
Lists of things to make lists of in the future so I can continue to sit on my ass

I'm never going to get anything done.

I feel like I'm losing grips on what I really set out to do in the first place. I think I had goals but they all hovered around just stopping drinking, and even that I'm not doing so well with. Not only have I failed to clearly define what I've been wanting to accomplish, but I don't think I've seriously anticipated how hard it's going to be to achieve. I'm garnering more respect for that whole saying that the "quitting drinking is the easy part."

My head is killing me. I've spent the last 3 days mostly in bed. Saturday really sucked. It was the going away party for Cody and Kayla and, of course, Cody had it in his head that we were gonna screw. 'Go me' for being the idiot to bring it up. I really have no idea why I brought it up again. Everything was already laid out that Noah and I weren't going to do that. It was cool that they had that type of open relationship but it was obvious it didn't work for us. Noah feels guilty about what he did with Kayla so if I wanted to push the issue with screwing Cody, I'm sure I'd get away with it, but I'd kill myself over the guilt. I knew all that yet I still got drunk and dragged things back outta the dirt.

So Saturday rolls around and Cody gets Noah alone to, well, I guess get some sort of okay to do his wife. Noah says the exact wrong thing, and Cody bombards me with this "Noah said you were having reservations and felt like you're playing mind games". Uhhh, well I wouldn't have said it THAT WAY. Fucking pissed me off and I felt like I was trapped against a wall. Had I at least had more then one beer I probably would have dealt with it better but I got pissed and walked away saying "I'm not gonna talk about this right now." Cody never knows when to leave things alone so he wouldn't leave me be, he just kept on making me feel smaller and smaller cause he "just wanted to make sure we were cool". I was fucking cool just walking into this party, I had it all worked out in my head what I was going to say when the time was right. I HAD control until I got clobbered with 'the men are going to make everything okay because I'm just a measly little woman who doesn't know how to say what she REALLY wants or doesn't want for that matter', and now I had no control what-so-ever and felt like a complete pathetic jackass.

So I spent the next hour slamming beers just to slam them, because I didn't want to think about how small and insecure I felt. I sure and fuck didn't want to mingle with anyone, and I know it showed cause Kayla kept coming up to me asking if I was okay. GOD DAMMIT! I would have been fucking fine had I just said what I wanted to say the way I wanted to say it WHEN I wanted to say it.

I wasn't going to fuck him. I just didn't want anyone else making that decision for me. I opened up the stupid fucking box and I wanted to close it.

So it all went wrong, I felt out of control, and didn't feel like I had the power then to tell Cody off when he did his "well, I at least want one last kiss". And of course I feel obligated to give him that because I'm the pathetic little jackass that had her husband tell him that "she's just confused and doesn't want to tell you because she doesn't want to feel like she's playing mind games." Nooooo, I just wasn't going to enter the party and immediately walk up to him and explain to him that I fucked up bringing stuff up the other night. Oh, and one my ass. He kept on kissing me throughout the night in front of everyone which in turn made me feel like a gigantic whore.

So I spent three days in bed hating myself feeling like a worthless piece of shit who will never change and there is no hope for me. Woke Monday morning having a full blown panic attack, that was great. I don't know what to do with me. Some days I wish I just wasn't me. If we're all gonna die and everything is meaningless in the end anyways, I'm not quite sure why I keep doing this.

Dear Lana,

I'm sure you don't want to hear about it. You have enough you're dealing with. You don't need your drunk sister pontificating about her bullshit that she keeps putting herself into.

Kayla and Cody are moving.

I haven't talked to Kayla much since I heard she was leaving.

I promised Kayla I would be there last Friday to help her pack, and I didn't show up because i was too freaked out when she told me she had two other people coming.

I hadn't talked to her since and showed up at her house tonight to drop Mackinzee off after her and Miki swam.

I didn't even want to go, but Noah wanted to.

So I did. I wanted to prove I wasn't an asshole for not showing up on Friday, even though I felt like one.

So I get there, and I start drinking. ...

And ya know what I said>????

Out of fucking no where I asked if Cody still wanted to fuck me.

And he said yes.

I had a dream with Noah and his family in it last night. It was like a family reunion scene or something, but we were at a beach. Noah and I are sitting on the ground and he's not feeling good, so I'm sitting next trying to comfort him. His older sister walks up and starts either yelling or talking down to him about something he's not doing right, I think it was because he wasn't coming to eat and she was chastising him about not being a very good son or something. So I defend him and start telling her how selfish she is cause she doesn't even bother to notice or seem to care that he's feeling horrible.

Then I remember seeing people playing sand volleyball on the beach, some members of his family, some of mine including my mom and daughter. I overhear his older sister again and this time she's complaining about to file a lawsuit against someone because they're getting in the way of some self-righteous parenting thing she just HAS to do (can't remember what, seems more like a feeling about it then actual words). I got the gist in this dream that she has a habit of doing lawsuits or whatever to get what she want because she feels entitled to force these things.

Then there is a snake like monster that comes out of the water on to the beach and it grabs her son. She grabs his arms to try and save him but the monster gobbles him up and then her. My mom and daughter are on the beach and all I can think about is how I don't want my daughter to get eaten, and I feel relieved when someone else gets eaten, and give my daughter more time to escape. She escapes, and that's all I can remember of the dream.

I got books!

I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now, and while I haven't completely quit drinking, I've damn sure cut down. It was never the drinking that was really the problem, it's cause the world didn't fit with it, and god dammit the world wouldn't change. So I have to. Grrrr.

Anyways, about the whole "books" thing, my therapist gave me a couple of books about shame tonight that I'm pretty interested in reading. We were in a discussion about Miki, and this goofy fighting stuff we've had going on lately. A couple of times it's come down to her saying things in front of other people that I'm sure she KNEW would shame me, and she's learning she can do that to get her way (or at least TRY to get her way).

So the therapist gets these books out about shame, and I thumb through em and they look interesting, so I'll see if I get anything out of em. I dunno, I felt kinda weird taking the books. And then I felt weird for feeling weird. gat! Stupid circles in my head anxiety, I am so sick of it. She had to explain to me that she wouldn't have offered if she was worried and "whats the worst thats gonna happen, I'll have to replace them", which triggered the insta 'save my ass' response of "oh no no no no I'll never not come back and keep your books." With which I felt like a complete dork for saying.

I dunno, whatever, things are getting better with her. I feel more comfortable every time I go. Just hope that soon I will stop chattering and 90mph about a thousand different things. I'm not sure if that's anxiety, or maybe even a defense mechanism to keep from getting too deep about any one thing. ah-ha, thats a new one I just thought about. Seems plausible.

I need to keep writing so I keep thinking of new things. I do that when I write, I just don't write near enough.

Okay, gotta get off here. Deadliest Catch is getting ready to start and they're talking about Phil Harris' death tonight. Soo sad, I miss him. He really reminded me of by biological dad. I bet I cry tonight.