"With this start, I feel the end of me"
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
When I first seen the movie "Titanic", I was on a leave from treatment for Christmas and my mom, sister, and her soon to be husband went to it the day it opened, December 25th 1997. After 5 months of treatment trying to help me 'get right' and re-realize the beauty in life, I truly had hope for the feeling this movie portrayed being part of my life.
"You're here, there's nothing to fear, and I know that my heart will go on. We'll stay forever this way. You are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on and on."
That is how I want so badly to feel now.
I did a substance abuse assessment today, that went okay overall (the uppity atmosphere and the assessor claiming he could smell alcohol on me even though I haven't drank in 3 days didn't help), but my heart sank worse when my therapist basically told me afterwords that I might have some form of multiple personality disorder.
I need to focus on the former before I can even think of THINKING ABOUT the latter, but I have 13 fucking days of analyzing to do it in (today's date until the day of my intake into the intensive outpatient program).
I slept an hr and a half last night, anxiety ridden worried about the assessment, got through that, told I was possibly even more fucked up then I thought, and now I have 13 days to process it all before substantial help.
I don't say this often but I'm opting for Celine Dion.
"You're here, there's nothing to fear, and I know that my heart will go on. We'll stay forever this way. You are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on and on."
That is how I want so badly to feel now.
I did a substance abuse assessment today, that went okay overall (the uppity atmosphere and the assessor claiming he could smell alcohol on me even though I haven't drank in 3 days didn't help), but my heart sank worse when my therapist basically told me afterwords that I might have some form of multiple personality disorder.
I need to focus on the former before I can even think of THINKING ABOUT the latter, but I have 13 fucking days of analyzing to do it in (today's date until the day of my intake into the intensive outpatient program).
I slept an hr and a half last night, anxiety ridden worried about the assessment, got through that, told I was possibly even more fucked up then I thought, and now I have 13 days to process it all before substantial help.
I don't say this often but I'm opting for Celine Dion.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
I crushed my daughters glitter today as she watched me rip every 'glow in the dark star' and picture of the cosmos off the walls of my bedroom.
She even followed behind me picking up the stars and picking up the "pieces".
I was so angry because the world felt so ugly and cold I didn't want to look at a fantasy of stars anymore.
"Reality isn't always pretty sweetie, sorry."
She looked at me with sympathetic eyes and said "Mom, you're having bad thoughts again".
I ignored her and continued to pull the stars from the wall. I didn't want any sticky tack or sticker or glow in the dark anything to remain. I handed her my blacklight, that she she knew I loved, and she looked at me boldfaced and asked me "why mom?"
Finally, she got sick of my emotional blockage, and she stood at the bottom of my bed and asked "so, did you accomplish your goal?"
I asked her what she meant, thinking she was talking about the stars.
She said, in so many words she didn't just articulate vocally.. "with the bad thoughts, with the bettering yourself, with the stopping of acting crazy, ....just generally, where you are in your life?"
And she looked at me in this way that was so adult and meaningful and intelligent just like she is.
I couldn't refute her. She was right.
My battle with depression and addiction is failing.
I fucking hate the images of my daughter walking behind as I remove all the stars and pictures from the wall and her picking them up and putting them up in her room and saying "but mom, you loved these."
She even followed behind me picking up the stars and picking up the "pieces".
I was so angry because the world felt so ugly and cold I didn't want to look at a fantasy of stars anymore.
"Reality isn't always pretty sweetie, sorry."
She looked at me with sympathetic eyes and said "Mom, you're having bad thoughts again".
I ignored her and continued to pull the stars from the wall. I didn't want any sticky tack or sticker or glow in the dark anything to remain. I handed her my blacklight, that she she knew I loved, and she looked at me boldfaced and asked me "why mom?"
Finally, she got sick of my emotional blockage, and she stood at the bottom of my bed and asked "so, did you accomplish your goal?"
I asked her what she meant, thinking she was talking about the stars.
She said, in so many words she didn't just articulate vocally.. "with the bad thoughts, with the bettering yourself, with the stopping of acting crazy, ....just generally, where you are in your life?"
And she looked at me in this way that was so adult and meaningful and intelligent just like she is.
I couldn't refute her. She was right.
My battle with depression and addiction is failing.
I fucking hate the images of my daughter walking behind as I remove all the stars and pictures from the wall and her picking them up and putting them up in her room and saying "but mom, you loved these."
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