I kicked Cody out. We all got drunk and I tried to stay out of if by hanging with Noah and a friend in the kitchen. After my friend left things seemed to calm down. So we all sat back in the livingroom.

Didn't take long for Cody to go off on something, the two basic I remember is people thinkin he's a piece of shit and it being Kayla's fault she hasn't paid off his fines yet.

Boy did I open up a can of worms with that trying to get him jobs to pay off his fines and then turning around and handing him the cash telling him to do it himself.

She says he didn't a give a shit about it before. I dunno.

All I know is he flipped out, got in her face a lot, and I told him to get out of her face. He stepped back and acted like he was gonna go outside or leave. He comes back in saying "I'm gonna kick her ass". Well, being me, I stand in front of him and say "no". He shoved my as down on the floor, IN MY OWN HOUSE WHEN I TOLD HIM BEFORE THAT, "This violent shit doesn't happen here".

All I really remember cause moments like that happen so fast, is that after he threw me to the ground, I turned around fast and grabbed his leg and tried to take his knee out to take him down, to keep him away from hurting her. Stupid move on my part, he could have easily kicked me in the face.

Anyways, he didn't get to her. The second I was on my feet I told him to get the fuck out of my house. No one will ever hurt me or throw me down in my own house.

Looks like Kayla and the girls (because Cody's not welcome here) will be moving Oct. 1. Cody is gonna pay the $99 first month's rent, so obviously he will move in with her there. Fuck it, none of my business. Just keep that shit out of my house.

I got all the little retarded checks together Kayla signed over to me today, both under $10, plus my little Staples rewards checks both under $5, gave myself 2 hours of payroll from the biz (even though I deserve more then that), and stopped by the liquor store to pick up my one day check for working which was about $33. I deposited all that and also cashed the $100 check my mother in law gave me for Cody working. I took the $100 and handed it to Kayla and said, "ya know, I'm sick of hearing people telline me I'm a control freak, so here ya go". She took it and said nothing.

Cody tried to follow me up the stairs and give me the $100 and said "this isn't you being a control freak, this is you helping out a friend." I told him "give it to your wife then" and walked the rest of the way up the stairs. I'm done. I can't control his life or make it any better, thats his decision. I've had enough people tell me lately that I'm a control freak that I just give up.

I got a bag cooler, filled it with ice and a pint of whiskey and sprite and decided to just be alone in my room. Of course noah wouldn't let me be alone, he sat next to me on the bed screwing with his laptop so I worked on something for a fundraiser we're trying to hold.

When we dropped Miki off at volleyball practice for an hr, he wanted to ride along and talk. There wasn't much talking (this was after I went to the bank an made up my mind and he just wanted to know what was going on in my head). I stopped at the dollar store and got some things that we seem to be going through like they're nothing because no one watches the little one and she way over uses things thinking she's trying to help do chores.

Again, I'm not going to control things....I'll just buy them. We'll see how long it takes for this house to fall down.

I'M DONE.

Noah had the audacity to tell me that maybe I would become more happy not controlling things, and instead of being pissed like I've been all day, I should smile.

Okay motherfucker. Then YOU do it. We'll see where this train ends.

I told him as politely as I could, well, if it ends up being a good thing and I realize it helps me, then I'll smile. But I'm not fucking smiling about it now.



EDIT: And just as an fyi, last night when we ran of beer (I don't buy as much because I know Cody will drink it and I'm just paying for him even more), I had a small bottle of whiskey I stuck in the freezer. When we ran out I went to look for the bottle (Cody won't drink hard liquor, thats why I bought it), and it wasn't where I put it. I knew immediately that Noah moved it. So I went upstairs to ask him where he put it, and he told me where and said that he did it because he wanted to hang out with me and he knew that I'd come asking for it and then he'd tell me he wanted to be with me. Can someone please tell me, for one, why my husband doesn't have the balls to say he wants to hang with just me instead of hiding my whiskey? And for two, why when I come and hang with him all I get is ragged on for trying to defend my actions as a "control freak"?
Not to mention the fact that when I came upstairs to ask Noah about the whiskey, Cody drove drunk to the store to buy more beer, knowing full and well that I was trying to get him jobs to pay off the fines he got for driving drunk.

I'm going to do my own thing, I'm not going to control a god damn thing but what I do for myself, and everyone else can deal with it. They can know what it feels like trying to control someone who doesn't listen or care. You can call it a bender, a roll, whatever...but I'm done and I'm gone. Kayla starts work on Thurs and I already told Noah that you better get up at 7am to get the kids woken up for school. They take care of themselves once they're woken up. The youngest can destroy the house or her dad can give a shit about her. I can't do this anymore.

Is getting told you're being a control freak because you were trying to help someone find and a job and direct their money towards their fines (which with working can be paid off pretty quick) worth just saying fuck it and saying goodbye over?

I got bitched out by my sister, told I was treating him like a piece of shit from my husband (who I went to bed with when he wanted me to btw)- yeah, he got pissed off at me and turned over and stopped talking when he accuses me of never talking.

I'm sick and fucking tired of always feeling wrong.





I try to do what is expected of me, and I'm still wrong.So whatever.

I'm still not sleeping. I got stuff done, but I'm still not asleep at 7:20am. I can't keep living this way.

So I slept until 2:45pm today and Kayla came in to wake me up and remind me that I have to watch my nephews at 3:30. Appreciate it Kayla, cause I wouldn't have gotten up, not with the amount of pills I did take last night.

See, Noah hides my pill bottles, but I do have a weeks worth in a pill container, so I can if I want to take way more them I'm supposed to. It's so fucking childish that I have to have someone watch over me like that. I'm just absolutely pathetic.

He never came to bed so I took another pill. I walked down to see what was going on and get another beer and they just left him there, in the middle of the couch with his head snoozing on his chest.

I took off his boots. Put pillows under his head. And handed him my phone telling him he has the only alarm that is going to wake the kids up..

Of course I set an alarm on the clock in my room, but I doubt I'll hear it now. I think I'm pretty close to giving up.



If I'm not sleeping by 4, I'm taking another pill. I'll play chicken with life because no one in it obviously gives a shit about me when I really need them to.

Of course I will live on...I always do. I took 12 of these fuckers and didn't feel good for a few days but didn't die. I'm just so god damned alone. This building is crashing down.

I got beer tonight. Haven't slept since 1am yesterday and it's 1:42am today. He decides to chew into me for drinking WHILE HE'S DRINKING WITH ME. He even tried to accuse my drinking of causing him to have bad hangovers at work because he didn't want to go to bed without me, and made me feel like my disease wasn't the same as his.

Guess who's in bed right now? ME. He's downstairs hanging with Cody and Kayla. Is it still my fault for getting the beer that kept him up? Am I really the only alcoholic here? According to him I am.

I'm so sick and tired of fighting and feeling alone in this fight. I cried...I cried soo much because of the things he was saying to me. Do I want to get better, fuckin hell yeah. If it was that easy the brewing and distilleries would be out of business.

He wants me to pay attention to him. Thats all I do is pay attention to him. What does he want, what does he need, how can I help him. And all I get is I'm a piece of shit because he has work to do tomorrow and he isnt' adult enough to say he's going to bed knowing I'm a full blown alcoholic?

And here I am. In bed alone. It's all my fault he'll feel like shit tomorrow.

So I just got done with an online AA meeting. I whined and blabbered about how lost I am and I just keep screaming in my head "how much do you really want this?!" and got a wonderful response from someone saying "well obviously not enough". Thanks for that mr anonymous asshole.

There's another online meeting in 15mins, not sure if I even want to bother with it. My dumb ass took on some more hours at the liquor store so that's sure to help my sobriety. Said she was gonna give me atleast one day/night a week through October. If I tell anyone in AA all I'm gonna get is a "quit, don't do it". Well duh, but I need the money now and this job is already established, I don't have to fill out an app and wait and interview and blah blah. We need the money now trying to take care of 2 fucking families and it's not going to do shit for my sobriety, so whatever.

I'm damn lost and don't know what to do. Drank last night, told Cody I'd help him look for jobs online today but slept until 3 so that didn't happen. Kayla got her job, so yay for her but who knows when she starts plus she said their vehicle has been running weird so if it breaks, they've got no money to fix it. I can't very well give them anymore, we've done enough and it's been hard enough having them stay here.

I just feel like a piece of shit stuck between a rock and a hard place. Cody is pissed, I'm not sure if it's because I didn't help him today or that Kayla got a job and he didn't or both or something else, but I'm sooo fucking tired of his whiny ass attitude. Hey dude, I didn't get you to get a DUI so you could lose your license and then caught again driving without a license creating over $700 in fines for you to pay back before you can get a license again, and I sure as hell ain't gonna pay it.

I dunno. Whatever. Fuck it.

Cody and Kayla and the kids are living with us. They've been here for a little over 2 weeks now. Since they've been here I attempted AA for a week and did good until day 7 and haven't been back since. The 2nd night after Cody and Kayla arrived, we celebrated having our business in the parade and I got so fucked up that I beat the shit out of myself falling down. I think I permanently busted the shoulder that has had the most recent surgery and was working just find. It's slipping out of place again now and there was a big bruise on my arm and yellow all around the scar. Ya Me. After that was when my failed week of AA started and obviously didn't last long.

It's not easy having an extra family of 5 in the house, but I think somehow we're learning how to deal with each other. I don't know how to not drink with them here, I have no idea what to do about AA, I feel really pretty lost right now. Was feeling good for a while but spent the last two days in bed cause Sat night I got so drunk again I fell and busted my lip open and Cody watched me, so that was nicely embarrassing.

I hate myself and don't know how or if I will ever change. I have a whole list of phone numbers from people in AA but I have no fucking idea what to say to these people. All they're going to tell me is if I want it bad enough I won't drink. Duh. And then there's that 'higher power' part that says I have to give my will over to and I don't who the fuck my higher power is or how to 'give over my will' to anything.

I'm picking up some hours at the liquor store since they had someone quit on them. We need the money but that sure isn't gonna do squat for my not drinking. I need to watch my nephews more cause I get paid for that, but I just feel so overwhelmed and stressed I never take em. However there will be about a month worth of Friday's starting the 17th where I will be watching them for a couple of hours to help out my brother in law. I guess that's something.

I feel lost, scare, tired, and alone. And it really fucking sucks.