So I'm drinking. Big surprise there.
My dad had quadruple bypass heart surgery on Wed, and I've kind of been in total go go go freak out mode since. I left Wed night after I found out everything went great because I didn't want to go in the room and see him hooked up to all those tubes. Not to mention the whole thing completely freaked me out and instead of "fight" I screamed "flight".
I grabbed a bottle of whiskey on the ride home (I didn't drive, I'm not THAT stupid). Mixed it with a cup of pepsi and drank is slowly through the 2 and a half hour journey home.
Once I arrived home....of course I kept on drinkin the bottle of whiskey, but at least I spent that dumb drunk ass time creating audio CD's that no one has of the music my dad used to sing. In his teens, was in a couple of bands. He's a great singer. Most of the songs on the CD are from when he went to Nashville to do a "sound test" or whatever and have him sing all these different songs, which he sang AWESOMELY!
You can here all the songs here:
http://www.realrepublic.com/userfiles/lindseyd/mydad/
I even used Light scribe printing on the label side of the CD's. I think people will really appreciate this. And I did it drunk ass whiskey fucked and supposed to be sober.
Go figure. I wouldn't have done it otherwise, and that I'm pretty sure of. It's not a reason to get a bottle of whiskey, it just IS WHAT IT IS.
Anyways, so I leave tomorrow to go back to my dad's house and help him and the rest of the family take care of him. I'm planning on staying all week, until next Friday. The trip alone freaks me out a bit because my relationship with that side of my family has been so WEIRD and on and off for years since I met my dad when I was 17yrs old.
Not to mention that every time I've spend the night or the weekend out there, both him and I would drink like fish, him rum and pepsi, me beer (and when my beer ran out he was most happy to offer me some rum).
HE'S JUST HAD MAJOR HEART SURGERY. HE CAN NOT DRINK. EVERYTIME I'VE SPENT TIME OUT THERE WE'VE DRANK.
I'm coming right out with it....I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with all of this without drinking, when that HABIT has become so ingrained in our whole relationship.
Either way, I've talked to my step sister about AA meetings and such, of which I still need to figure out when and where, but whatever. She probably thinks I'm full of shit about going, and maybe I am but I need some sort of support structure and that's the only one I can think of.
I pray to whatever God there is out there that he doesn't try and have a drink. That part I so dont' want to play (not giving it to him, cause I won't! just having to tell him no).
So I'll be there all week until Friday, come home Friday sometime and get ready for the parade our business is in on Saturday. Got most of the candy and flyers figured out (I'm taking flyers with me to cut up to give me something to keep me busy during down time). We don't know who all are gonna be here to walk and hand out flyers, we don't know who's throwing candy. We just pray this whole fucking thing works out.
Sunday I have to take my daughter school shopping for some clothes because she starts back to school on Monday.
Yes. I'm drinking a beer. I want to be sober. I'm stressed out of my fucking mind and I don't know how to deal with it.
So I'm drinking a beer.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
My head hurts.
Not because I'm hungover, although I was earlier today but I slept all day so I'm not feeling so bad in that regard at this point.
No, my head hurts because I stayed up all night last night drinking almost a full case of beer, and around 5am I ran out of beer. So, having no beer my infinite wisdom decided it best to go downstairs and get some ambien and librium that the doc prescribed to me as a means to help me STOP drinking.
The stairs were fine, my balance no so much and as hard as I tried to keep a slow steady pace, my legs went about 90mph down each step until I slammed face first into the wall. My forehead is scraped and hurts, was surprised it wasn't bleeding. My nose ring however was not so lucky and it did bleed. My glasses thankfully did not break but the white paint off the wall is streaked all across the top of plastic frame on one side, as if getting side swiped by a car.
After taking two of each of those pills, I managed somehow to get back up the stairs and for whatever reason drunk texted a friend (who I knew was getting up for work and just wanted to wish them a good day, happy sunshine blah blah blah). They call me back and of course I can't talk straight, I sound like a complete jackass, they laugh at me yet tell me they love me and let me go.
I suddenly realize that I have a daughter that I need to take care of all day and, ooops, mom is totally not going to be awake for a LONG time. So I text my sister, which I've never done before and never want to do again and ask her for her help. I admit everything that I have done. She asks me how many pills I took and I told her "no, I don't have a death wish, but there's no way I'm going to be able to take care of Miki." Of course the text looked nothing like what I just typed because I'm having to hold the phone close and far away from my face as I type, closing one eye and doing whatever it takes to even concentrate on where the letters are. I'm surprised I even made enough sense for her to know what was going on.
Noah dropped Miki off at Lana's on his way to work and of course I slept all day. I didn't even come conscious until around 3pm, long enough to go to the bathroom and right back in bed until around 10pm. Noah tried to wake me to eat dinner but I refused and have had nothing to eat since noon the day before. I'm not even really hungry. I hate myself so much right now that if I had the balls I'd just take all the pills I have and end the retardation that is me.
With all the flooding that has been going on, Lana has had to take time off work and I promised her that I would watch the boys for her so she could stay late and make up her time. How is she to trust me to do this if I'm such an insane drunk?
She knows I've been trying to quit. I did online AA meetings for about 6 days in a row, couple of days I did 2 a day. Those helped I suppose but half the time I was lost of these themes like "The 3rd Tradition" and "Attitude of Gratitude". I don't feel very fucking grateful, so what the hell was I supposed to say there? And they keep talking about working steps with a sponsor but I have to go to a face to face meeting to get one of those. I don't even know how to get a sponsor and my anxiety about going is so high that I think I just might jump off a bridge rather then go.
The last time I was to a face to face AA meeting I got a temporary sponsor, and she was more like a reformed crack addict then anything. Talked 100mph, didn't understand half of what she said and she made wise cracks about "oh, so you're one of those analyzer types". She was going to ISU to get a degree in psychology so I suppose she felt the need to take her new knowledge out on me. Went to a stupid AA party with her (talking my husband along like the freaked out dork that I am, which I'm sure made me look even more pathetic), and while I was there someone asked me "going a little fast don't ya think?" Wha? Why would they ask me that. I don't even know what pace I'm supposed to be going. Isn't this the shit I'm supposed to be doing to stay sober?
So I quit going and my temporary sponsor turned into a full time phone stalker leaving me messages because I wouldn't call her back. What the fuck did she expect me to say? Sorry, I don't really like you, leave me alone (which is what I wanted to say).
I don't even get the whole sponsor thing anyways. Most of the time I don't even call my friends or my family when I need help, how in the hell do they honestly thing I'm gonna pick up the phone to call someone I barely know and say "oh, I feel like I want to drink", to which they will respond, "no, do not drink." Yeah, that sounds useful. For all thats worth I could prink a sign and put it on my wall that reads "don't drink stupid it makes you do retarded things like pawn your kid off on your sister and smash your face into the wall".
How do I pick myself back up from something like this? I know Noah loves me but he's upstairs snoring away. Guess he's probably just tired of it all and I don't blame him. I'm such a waste. I wish someone would come and save me but who? No one gives a shit anymore they're just tired of mine.
All my friends are drinkers or pot smokers. Noah won't admit that he has a problem too cause when I said "go down and get a case of beer" I didn't hear any hesitation in his voice, he wanted to drink too! The six days I was sober he got all clammed up and asshold-ish because he wanted to drink and smoke, and he's probably mad at me because my problem interferes with his ability to have a beer. No, he doesn't drink like I do. He can have a six pack and be fine. In fact he'd much rather smoke then anything, and if I'm trying to be sober I don't want that around me because it's just another excuse for me to drink.
When I was on the phone with my sunshiny drunk wake-up text friend, I offered for them to come over on Saturday for lasagna night. I can't hang out with people without drinking, I'm tired of making plans and breaking them (as I'm sure my friends are sick of this whole 'Lindsey's trying to get sober again) thing. So I feel screwed.
I even texted my sister over in Omaha cause she's been wanting us to come hang out and party saying that we'd come the weekend of my bday in Sept, but then later in the day when she texted back I had to admit to her to we need to hold off on that cause I was thinking of putting myself into treatment.
Treatment I can't even do because I have a daughter to take care of and no money to afford anyone else to watch her. Not to mention the business is picking up and Noah needs me here to help him.
I just feel so fucked right now. I'm in a hole I have no idea of how to get out of. Everyone is sick of my bullshit, I'm sick of my insanity, and I don't know what to do.
Not because I'm hungover, although I was earlier today but I slept all day so I'm not feeling so bad in that regard at this point.
No, my head hurts because I stayed up all night last night drinking almost a full case of beer, and around 5am I ran out of beer. So, having no beer my infinite wisdom decided it best to go downstairs and get some ambien and librium that the doc prescribed to me as a means to help me STOP drinking.
The stairs were fine, my balance no so much and as hard as I tried to keep a slow steady pace, my legs went about 90mph down each step until I slammed face first into the wall. My forehead is scraped and hurts, was surprised it wasn't bleeding. My nose ring however was not so lucky and it did bleed. My glasses thankfully did not break but the white paint off the wall is streaked all across the top of plastic frame on one side, as if getting side swiped by a car.
After taking two of each of those pills, I managed somehow to get back up the stairs and for whatever reason drunk texted a friend (who I knew was getting up for work and just wanted to wish them a good day, happy sunshine blah blah blah). They call me back and of course I can't talk straight, I sound like a complete jackass, they laugh at me yet tell me they love me and let me go.
I suddenly realize that I have a daughter that I need to take care of all day and, ooops, mom is totally not going to be awake for a LONG time. So I text my sister, which I've never done before and never want to do again and ask her for her help. I admit everything that I have done. She asks me how many pills I took and I told her "no, I don't have a death wish, but there's no way I'm going to be able to take care of Miki." Of course the text looked nothing like what I just typed because I'm having to hold the phone close and far away from my face as I type, closing one eye and doing whatever it takes to even concentrate on where the letters are. I'm surprised I even made enough sense for her to know what was going on.
Noah dropped Miki off at Lana's on his way to work and of course I slept all day. I didn't even come conscious until around 3pm, long enough to go to the bathroom and right back in bed until around 10pm. Noah tried to wake me to eat dinner but I refused and have had nothing to eat since noon the day before. I'm not even really hungry. I hate myself so much right now that if I had the balls I'd just take all the pills I have and end the retardation that is me.
With all the flooding that has been going on, Lana has had to take time off work and I promised her that I would watch the boys for her so she could stay late and make up her time. How is she to trust me to do this if I'm such an insane drunk?
She knows I've been trying to quit. I did online AA meetings for about 6 days in a row, couple of days I did 2 a day. Those helped I suppose but half the time I was lost of these themes like "The 3rd Tradition" and "Attitude of Gratitude". I don't feel very fucking grateful, so what the hell was I supposed to say there? And they keep talking about working steps with a sponsor but I have to go to a face to face meeting to get one of those. I don't even know how to get a sponsor and my anxiety about going is so high that I think I just might jump off a bridge rather then go.
The last time I was to a face to face AA meeting I got a temporary sponsor, and she was more like a reformed crack addict then anything. Talked 100mph, didn't understand half of what she said and she made wise cracks about "oh, so you're one of those analyzer types". She was going to ISU to get a degree in psychology so I suppose she felt the need to take her new knowledge out on me. Went to a stupid AA party with her (talking my husband along like the freaked out dork that I am, which I'm sure made me look even more pathetic), and while I was there someone asked me "going a little fast don't ya think?" Wha? Why would they ask me that. I don't even know what pace I'm supposed to be going. Isn't this the shit I'm supposed to be doing to stay sober?
So I quit going and my temporary sponsor turned into a full time phone stalker leaving me messages because I wouldn't call her back. What the fuck did she expect me to say? Sorry, I don't really like you, leave me alone (which is what I wanted to say).
I don't even get the whole sponsor thing anyways. Most of the time I don't even call my friends or my family when I need help, how in the hell do they honestly thing I'm gonna pick up the phone to call someone I barely know and say "oh, I feel like I want to drink", to which they will respond, "no, do not drink." Yeah, that sounds useful. For all thats worth I could prink a sign and put it on my wall that reads "don't drink stupid it makes you do retarded things like pawn your kid off on your sister and smash your face into the wall".
How do I pick myself back up from something like this? I know Noah loves me but he's upstairs snoring away. Guess he's probably just tired of it all and I don't blame him. I'm such a waste. I wish someone would come and save me but who? No one gives a shit anymore they're just tired of mine.
All my friends are drinkers or pot smokers. Noah won't admit that he has a problem too cause when I said "go down and get a case of beer" I didn't hear any hesitation in his voice, he wanted to drink too! The six days I was sober he got all clammed up and asshold-ish because he wanted to drink and smoke, and he's probably mad at me because my problem interferes with his ability to have a beer. No, he doesn't drink like I do. He can have a six pack and be fine. In fact he'd much rather smoke then anything, and if I'm trying to be sober I don't want that around me because it's just another excuse for me to drink.
When I was on the phone with my sunshiny drunk wake-up text friend, I offered for them to come over on Saturday for lasagna night. I can't hang out with people without drinking, I'm tired of making plans and breaking them (as I'm sure my friends are sick of this whole 'Lindsey's trying to get sober again) thing. So I feel screwed.
I even texted my sister over in Omaha cause she's been wanting us to come hang out and party saying that we'd come the weekend of my bday in Sept, but then later in the day when she texted back I had to admit to her to we need to hold off on that cause I was thinking of putting myself into treatment.
Treatment I can't even do because I have a daughter to take care of and no money to afford anyone else to watch her. Not to mention the business is picking up and Noah needs me here to help him.
I just feel so fucked right now. I'm in a hole I have no idea of how to get out of. Everyone is sick of my bullshit, I'm sick of my insanity, and I don't know what to do.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
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