So I'm drinking. Big surprise there.

My dad had quadruple bypass heart surgery on Wed, and I've kind of been in total go go go freak out mode since. I left Wed night after I found out everything went great because I didn't want to go in the room and see him hooked up to all those tubes. Not to mention the whole thing completely freaked me out and instead of "fight" I screamed "flight".

I grabbed a bottle of whiskey on the ride home (I didn't drive, I'm not THAT stupid). Mixed it with a cup of pepsi and drank is slowly through the 2 and a half hour journey home.

Once I arrived home....of course I kept on drinkin the bottle of whiskey, but at least I spent that dumb drunk ass time creating audio CD's that no one has of the music my dad used to sing. In his teens, was in a couple of bands. He's a great singer. Most of the songs on the CD are from when he went to Nashville to do a "sound test" or whatever and have him sing all these different songs, which he sang AWESOMELY!

You can here all the songs here:
http://www.realrepublic.com/userfiles/lindseyd/mydad/

I even used Light scribe printing on the label side of the CD's. I think people will really appreciate this. And I did it drunk ass whiskey fucked and supposed to be sober.

Go figure. I wouldn't have done it otherwise, and that I'm pretty sure of. It's not a reason to get a bottle of whiskey, it just IS WHAT IT IS.

Anyways, so I leave tomorrow to go back to my dad's house and help him and the rest of the family take care of him. I'm planning on staying all week, until next Friday. The trip alone freaks me out a bit because my relationship with that side of my family has been so WEIRD and on and off for years since I met my dad when I was 17yrs old.

Not to mention that every time I've spend the night or the weekend out there, both him and I would drink like fish, him rum and pepsi, me beer (and when my beer ran out he was most happy to offer me some rum).

HE'S JUST HAD MAJOR HEART SURGERY. HE CAN NOT DRINK. EVERYTIME I'VE SPENT TIME OUT THERE WE'VE DRANK.

I'm coming right out with it....I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with all of this without drinking, when that HABIT has become so ingrained in our whole relationship.

Either way, I've talked to my step sister about AA meetings and such, of which I still need to figure out when and where, but whatever. She probably thinks I'm full of shit about going, and maybe I am but I need some sort of support structure and that's the only one I can think of.

I pray to whatever God there is out there that he doesn't try and have a drink. That part I so dont' want to play (not giving it to him, cause I won't! just having to tell him no).

So I'll be there all week until Friday, come home Friday sometime and get ready for the parade our business is in on Saturday. Got most of the candy and flyers figured out (I'm taking flyers with me to cut up to give me something to keep me busy during down time). We don't know who all are gonna be here to walk and hand out flyers, we don't know who's throwing candy. We just pray this whole fucking thing works out.

Sunday I have to take my daughter school shopping for some clothes because she starts back to school on Monday.

Yes. I'm drinking a beer. I want to be sober. I'm stressed out of my fucking mind and I don't know how to deal with it.

So I'm drinking a beer.