Tore.
Celebrating term paper finishing and semester finalizing.
Let the seasons change.
http://youtu.be/sQUcxVH8coE
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Not a drop of alcohol for over two weeks now. I have my ups and downs, and today is another struggle. Not to want to drink, but a struggle not to want to control everything and everyone around me. I'm not sure if this is just a general 'drinkers' need to control things or some personality disorder issue because I can't seem to control my own brain so I'll control what other people do instead.
With Justin living with us, it has been easy to fulfill that desire to control. He puts himself in the child/victim roll soo easily that I just instantly take that parental/caregiver roll. I realized it last night and I hate it. Well, I hate the downsides to it which are that it stresses me the hell out, then I get irate that he isn't listening and say something to him which I end up regretting and feeling guilty for. And it's not even a normal type of guilt. It's the kind of guilt I feel when I scold my daughter too much. Not healthy to have that with a full grown man.
I got myself in such a tizzy last night going over his money situation, and was somehow convinced that he had $800. I was sooo sure of this, and I even ran down the amounts with him and he didn't tell me I was wrong. He was probably scared I'd bite his head off if he questioned me. Now that I'm thinking through the numbers, I have no idea how I could have thought it was that high. But I was convinced, and used that amount to go off on a two hour bitch rampage to Noah about how Justin was a liar and he was hiding money and blah blah blah.
When I came down, it was like I just witnessed someone else taking over. Like I didn't have control over my irrational thoughts. I don't know. It has made me depressed thinking about not being able to control my own brain. So I'm struggling today, trying not to feel like crap.
Justin got an apartment and will be moving out by this weekend, so I hope him being gone will help me to focus on a new normal. When I got up this morning and noticed that he posted on Facebook at 4am, I wanted to get pissed because he knew he had to be at his new apartment around 8-9am to get his cable/net hooked up, but I keep reminding myself that I'm not going to be his mommy anymore. I AM pissed, however, that Noah put his name on the line for Justin by spending 45mins on the phone with the apartment owner, going on and on about how good Justin is and how he'll pay and won't be a problem. The apartment owner knows a lot of people in our small town, especially people on the city council. It bugs me that if Justin messes up, it could affect the view people have of us and our business. Maybe that's just my paranoid anxiety, I dunno.
With Justin living with us, it has been easy to fulfill that desire to control. He puts himself in the child/victim roll soo easily that I just instantly take that parental/caregiver roll. I realized it last night and I hate it. Well, I hate the downsides to it which are that it stresses me the hell out, then I get irate that he isn't listening and say something to him which I end up regretting and feeling guilty for. And it's not even a normal type of guilt. It's the kind of guilt I feel when I scold my daughter too much. Not healthy to have that with a full grown man.
I got myself in such a tizzy last night going over his money situation, and was somehow convinced that he had $800. I was sooo sure of this, and I even ran down the amounts with him and he didn't tell me I was wrong. He was probably scared I'd bite his head off if he questioned me. Now that I'm thinking through the numbers, I have no idea how I could have thought it was that high. But I was convinced, and used that amount to go off on a two hour bitch rampage to Noah about how Justin was a liar and he was hiding money and blah blah blah.
When I came down, it was like I just witnessed someone else taking over. Like I didn't have control over my irrational thoughts. I don't know. It has made me depressed thinking about not being able to control my own brain. So I'm struggling today, trying not to feel like crap.
Justin got an apartment and will be moving out by this weekend, so I hope him being gone will help me to focus on a new normal. When I got up this morning and noticed that he posted on Facebook at 4am, I wanted to get pissed because he knew he had to be at his new apartment around 8-9am to get his cable/net hooked up, but I keep reminding myself that I'm not going to be his mommy anymore. I AM pissed, however, that Noah put his name on the line for Justin by spending 45mins on the phone with the apartment owner, going on and on about how good Justin is and how he'll pay and won't be a problem. The apartment owner knows a lot of people in our small town, especially people on the city council. It bugs me that if Justin messes up, it could affect the view people have of us and our business. Maybe that's just my paranoid anxiety, I dunno.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
I had a small meltdown last night. I didn't drink, and it wasn't really a fight to want to, although being upset did make me have a couple of "why am I even doing this" thoughts.
Earlier in the day I put a post on Freecycle asking for any furniture anyone wanted to get rid of for Justin (since he's going to need it wherever he moves into). Someone responded saying they had a couch and loveseat, and I was in 'gung-ho mode' and pushed for Noah to pick it up last night since the people offering it were saying it had to be picked up last night or today. I figured since Noah got his customer job finished early (after getting out of his regular work early), that this wouldn't be an issue.
Well, he was irritated because his customer job didn't go so well, so when he got home he spouted off "you're lucky I didn't bring home beer." I was like woah, and instantly got defensive and shot back "that wasn't funny, at all." We didn't argue, and after a few minutes he agreed it was a bad choice of words. I understood that he was under a lot of pressure and he's struggling too, so I told myself to let it go, which I think I did for the most part at the time.
My nephews were over at the house because I watch them on Tuesday nights, so I was busy concentrating on them, plus I had given so much of myself trying to help out a women on the sobriety forum as well as Justin all day, so I was beginning to get a little worn down. Noah probably could have used a few hugs, but I didn't think about it or just wasn't picking up on it due being emotionally exhausted. I was still feeling generally positive, but noticed I was starting to get a little stressed.
The people with the couch and loveseat asked if we could pick it up at 9pm. With the snow starting to come in (not that much snow, but there was a chance it could start to get a little icy), Noah didn't really sound like he wanted to do it, and was being kinda snippy. I asked him for an answer so I could tell them and he was like "just wait a minute...they took two hours to get back with you a picture, they can wait five minutes for an answer." I understand his sentiment, but at the time it kinda pissed me off. I was slowly losing my happy positive attitude.
He decided that him and Justin will go pick it up at 9, but says he wants to leave at 7:30. I thought this was kind of weird since the address to pick it up was only 10 minutes away. He said it was so he could go hang out at a 'man store' (local one like Lowes or Menards) and just stare at crap. Whatever, I let it go.
My nephews got picked up, Noah and Justin left, and Miki finished her shower. I had been a little short tempered with Miki about getting in the shower, so we talked a little bit as I tucked her in and apologized to her. I was trying to feel better, trying to get the negative thoughts out of my head. I don't handle stress very well, I'm realizing.
After tucking Miki in I came back downstairs and just watched tv. Sitting there, my head started swimming with thoughts that Noah just left early so he could go get high with Justin. This pissed me off, but I tried to counter it, reminding myself that both him and Justin told me they wouldn't, and that he wouldn't lie to me.
When they got back, they put the couches on the front porch, Noah sat at his computer and lit a cigarette, and they went instantly downstairs to work on the basement. I was like, wtf? Noah didn't even barely say "hi" to me. I began to get pissed because it just felt so "right" that Noah must have gotten high because if he hadn't, he wouldn't be avoiding looking or talking to me, and that is why he went, pretty much, right downstairs.
......
[update]: I didn't finish the above like I'd wanted to. I got distracted. Long story short Noah didn't get high, I've been having a hard time in the evenings not turning into a bitch, and I'm struggling with not realizing I'm in that mode (whole multiple personality thing) until long after the damage is done.
Earlier in the day I put a post on Freecycle asking for any furniture anyone wanted to get rid of for Justin (since he's going to need it wherever he moves into). Someone responded saying they had a couch and loveseat, and I was in 'gung-ho mode' and pushed for Noah to pick it up last night since the people offering it were saying it had to be picked up last night or today. I figured since Noah got his customer job finished early (after getting out of his regular work early), that this wouldn't be an issue.
Well, he was irritated because his customer job didn't go so well, so when he got home he spouted off "you're lucky I didn't bring home beer." I was like woah, and instantly got defensive and shot back "that wasn't funny, at all." We didn't argue, and after a few minutes he agreed it was a bad choice of words. I understood that he was under a lot of pressure and he's struggling too, so I told myself to let it go, which I think I did for the most part at the time.
My nephews were over at the house because I watch them on Tuesday nights, so I was busy concentrating on them, plus I had given so much of myself trying to help out a women on the sobriety forum as well as Justin all day, so I was beginning to get a little worn down. Noah probably could have used a few hugs, but I didn't think about it or just wasn't picking up on it due being emotionally exhausted. I was still feeling generally positive, but noticed I was starting to get a little stressed.
The people with the couch and loveseat asked if we could pick it up at 9pm. With the snow starting to come in (not that much snow, but there was a chance it could start to get a little icy), Noah didn't really sound like he wanted to do it, and was being kinda snippy. I asked him for an answer so I could tell them and he was like "just wait a minute...they took two hours to get back with you a picture, they can wait five minutes for an answer." I understand his sentiment, but at the time it kinda pissed me off. I was slowly losing my happy positive attitude.
He decided that him and Justin will go pick it up at 9, but says he wants to leave at 7:30. I thought this was kind of weird since the address to pick it up was only 10 minutes away. He said it was so he could go hang out at a 'man store' (local one like Lowes or Menards) and just stare at crap. Whatever, I let it go.
My nephews got picked up, Noah and Justin left, and Miki finished her shower. I had been a little short tempered with Miki about getting in the shower, so we talked a little bit as I tucked her in and apologized to her. I was trying to feel better, trying to get the negative thoughts out of my head. I don't handle stress very well, I'm realizing.
After tucking Miki in I came back downstairs and just watched tv. Sitting there, my head started swimming with thoughts that Noah just left early so he could go get high with Justin. This pissed me off, but I tried to counter it, reminding myself that both him and Justin told me they wouldn't, and that he wouldn't lie to me.
When they got back, they put the couches on the front porch, Noah sat at his computer and lit a cigarette, and they went instantly downstairs to work on the basement. I was like, wtf? Noah didn't even barely say "hi" to me. I began to get pissed because it just felt so "right" that Noah must have gotten high because if he hadn't, he wouldn't be avoiding looking or talking to me, and that is why he went, pretty much, right downstairs.
......
[update]: I didn't finish the above like I'd wanted to. I got distracted. Long story short Noah didn't get high, I've been having a hard time in the evenings not turning into a bitch, and I'm struggling with not realizing I'm in that mode (whole multiple personality thing) until long after the damage is done.
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Just had my first experience with inviting a customer into the house to pick up their computer. They came from the front door, walked through the diningroom and into the kitchen where their pc was sitting on the counter. I was nervous, but the house was picked up and everything went just fine! No panic attack, no horrible thoughts about my house (there were a few naggy ones, but nothing huge). I MADE IT THROUGH! More proof positive that I can do this and that this new life is what I want!
Things are still going strong. I have little bits of time when I get down on myself, but for the most part I've been really busy and productive. Been doing my morning online meetings at 8am, getting up at 6:40am and helping Miki get ready for school before the meetings. I haven't perfected writing down negatives or addressing negative emotions, nor have I done the greatest at being consistent with doing affirmation in the morning, but I'm working on it and not going to get down on myself about it.
Was really cool that last night when Noah showed the customer the website I've been working on for their business, they not only liked it, but came up with more things they wanted to do with it. So that felt really great. Went to see our therapist together last night, and I think Noah was feeling a little overwhelmed and wanted to get high. I'm glad he acknowledged it, because after we talked (alone, after we left the therapist office) he seemed less irritated and closed off.
Justin has been staying us with since Sunday, which has been a little bothersome since when he first came over I didn't stand up for myself and tell him he couldn't get high here. But today I came out and told him that he just can't do it while he's staying here (which will be probably 2 weeks until he gets his tax return), and he understands and says that he won't. He's saying that he's quitting, but that's up to him, he just can't do it while he's living here. My only worry is that he's going to turn into a dickhead and be all like "well, I can't get high" and start a huge pity party. No matter what, I can't let it get to me. I'm hoping that when we get him set up in the spare bedroom that he'll just have his pity parties in there and I don't have to deal with his negativity. I'm proud of myself for standing up for what I'm doing and what I don't want in my house.
I did my 8am online meeting this morning and, even though I was distracted by Justin and not fully into the conversation, I ended up staying afterwords and talking to some of the ladies. I met a woman who is struggling, so I offered to meet back up with her this afternoon. I feel good about reaching out. I know I've only been sober a little over a week, but this woman is very similar to me and I hope I can offer a little bit of advice and hopefully give her some hope. If anything, maybe just knowing that someone cares enough to meet back up with her, will give her a few hours of strength to not drink.
Was really cool that last night when Noah showed the customer the website I've been working on for their business, they not only liked it, but came up with more things they wanted to do with it. So that felt really great. Went to see our therapist together last night, and I think Noah was feeling a little overwhelmed and wanted to get high. I'm glad he acknowledged it, because after we talked (alone, after we left the therapist office) he seemed less irritated and closed off.
Justin has been staying us with since Sunday, which has been a little bothersome since when he first came over I didn't stand up for myself and tell him he couldn't get high here. But today I came out and told him that he just can't do it while he's staying here (which will be probably 2 weeks until he gets his tax return), and he understands and says that he won't. He's saying that he's quitting, but that's up to him, he just can't do it while he's living here. My only worry is that he's going to turn into a dickhead and be all like "well, I can't get high" and start a huge pity party. No matter what, I can't let it get to me. I'm hoping that when we get him set up in the spare bedroom that he'll just have his pity parties in there and I don't have to deal with his negativity. I'm proud of myself for standing up for what I'm doing and what I don't want in my house.
I did my 8am online meeting this morning and, even though I was distracted by Justin and not fully into the conversation, I ended up staying afterwords and talking to some of the ladies. I met a woman who is struggling, so I offered to meet back up with her this afternoon. I feel good about reaching out. I know I've only been sober a little over a week, but this woman is very similar to me and I hope I can offer a little bit of advice and hopefully give her some hope. If anything, maybe just knowing that someone cares enough to meet back up with her, will give her a few hours of strength to not drink.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Done with appointment with therapist and feeling pretty optimistic. Fighting off negative thoughts like "your hyper happiness is just fake and she knows it" and "I'm stupid for saying [whatever]." Screw you thoughts, I feel good right now.
I told her that I'm making plans, just for a few days. I don't do goals and plans, so I figured I'd start small and just plan through Sunday. I recognize that being this happy and hyper and optimistic can be a trigger. I like to celebrate happiness too, so I'm a little on edge because of that. But at least I recognize it.
I told her that I'm making plans, just for a few days. I don't do goals and plans, so I figured I'd start small and just plan through Sunday. I recognize that being this happy and hyper and optimistic can be a trigger. I like to celebrate happiness too, so I'm a little on edge because of that. But at least I recognize it.
Negative Thoughts for Today:
*I'm lazy and stupid because I didn't wake up until 9:30am, when I was planning on waking up at 6:45. There must be something seriously wrong with me because I can never seem to get up early.
-Introspection- I didn't get into bed until 12:30am, and then I read a book from my therapist along with taking an Ambien. I didn't actually fall asleep until after 1:30am, so I 8 or less hours of sleep, when I'm used to getting at least 10. I am doing good because I acknowledge this is a problem area for me that I need to work on. This is also the first time I've taken an Ambien in a long time, and it's not surprising it made me extra tired.
*I screwed up again because not getting up early has made me behind on my homework schedule and the other things I need to do. I'm dumb and irresponsible.
-Introspection- Actually, I still have time today to get everything I was planning on doing today done. I didn't actually 'plan' to do housework, so throwing that on myself as a means to use negatively against myself is unfair. I'm doing good, I just need to stay focused and not get caught up in negative thoughts like these that actually cause me to get stuck in a hole. Plus I'm not dumb, pretty darn smart and very intuitive.
*Had to make a phone call, and the women on the other end of the phone thinks I'm stupid. Now I'm being extra critical of myself and I hate myself for it.
-Introspection- Well, I'm not stupid. I just called because I needed to have something sent to me and I didn't know how to get that accomplished, so I had to explain it to her. She just seemed more relaxed and maybe slightly annoyed, but I have no proof she was annoyed with me, I just automatically direct it to myself in a negative way. As far as being extra critical, I am. I'm even being critical right now writing this, thinking "how stupid is it that you are writing these things, there's no point to this, you're just an over-analyzing freak". *sigh* Oh well, no one said this process was gonna be perfect to start.
I notice I am starting to feel kinda crummy. My stomach has been iffy since I woke up (possibly because of the Ambien, possibly cause I'm up earlier then usual lately or had slightly less sleep then I'm used to), my back and neck are kinda stiff. I feel somewhat sad or sour. I need to get started on homework, but I think it's a good idea to try some affirmations. I have a 30 minute affirmation audio that plays some nice music and says nice things.
----
Okay, listening to the affirmations and thinking they sound pretty cheesy. Gonna keep listening though, maybe try and let the criticisms go if possible.
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*I'm lazy and stupid because I didn't wake up until 9:30am, when I was planning on waking up at 6:45. There must be something seriously wrong with me because I can never seem to get up early.
-Introspection- I didn't get into bed until 12:30am, and then I read a book from my therapist along with taking an Ambien. I didn't actually fall asleep until after 1:30am, so I 8 or less hours of sleep, when I'm used to getting at least 10. I am doing good because I acknowledge this is a problem area for me that I need to work on. This is also the first time I've taken an Ambien in a long time, and it's not surprising it made me extra tired.
*I screwed up again because not getting up early has made me behind on my homework schedule and the other things I need to do. I'm dumb and irresponsible.
-Introspection- Actually, I still have time today to get everything I was planning on doing today done. I didn't actually 'plan' to do housework, so throwing that on myself as a means to use negatively against myself is unfair. I'm doing good, I just need to stay focused and not get caught up in negative thoughts like these that actually cause me to get stuck in a hole. Plus I'm not dumb, pretty darn smart and very intuitive.
*Had to make a phone call, and the women on the other end of the phone thinks I'm stupid. Now I'm being extra critical of myself and I hate myself for it.
-Introspection- Well, I'm not stupid. I just called because I needed to have something sent to me and I didn't know how to get that accomplished, so I had to explain it to her. She just seemed more relaxed and maybe slightly annoyed, but I have no proof she was annoyed with me, I just automatically direct it to myself in a negative way. As far as being extra critical, I am. I'm even being critical right now writing this, thinking "how stupid is it that you are writing these things, there's no point to this, you're just an over-analyzing freak". *sigh* Oh well, no one said this process was gonna be perfect to start.
I notice I am starting to feel kinda crummy. My stomach has been iffy since I woke up (possibly because of the Ambien, possibly cause I'm up earlier then usual lately or had slightly less sleep then I'm used to), my back and neck are kinda stiff. I feel somewhat sad or sour. I need to get started on homework, but I think it's a good idea to try some affirmations. I have a 30 minute affirmation audio that plays some nice music and says nice things.
----
Okay, listening to the affirmations and thinking they sound pretty cheesy. Gonna keep listening though, maybe try and let the criticisms go if possible.
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Wednesday, March 02, 2011
The monster has had it's grip on me again lately, and despite my cries that "I don't have enough time to get everything done," I've manage to sleep away the last 3 days. I just finished updating one the websites I maintain, and the whole time I've had this pit in my stomach. I'm trying to get back into the groove of 'doing stuff' instead of just being a lump on the couch or sleeping, but it feels really hard. I think it's that monster trying to creep up and tell me "you have too much stuff to do, you will never catch up, it's a waste of time, you will always be a failure."
I will continue to try and fight it, but no promises. I'll just keep working with this knot in my gut, I suppose, since I don't know what else to do with it. I have a workbook from my therapist that is supposed to help me with these feelings and mindfulness, but I haven't looked at it yet because, ah ha, I keep feeling like I don't have time. I'm going to get a few more things done and hopefully I will get to it tonight.
I don't want to put too much pressure on myself because that seems to be how I get myself in the "lump" state, but I DO have a lot of things to get done and if I don't do them they will keep piling up.
Sunday I seen the monster. It is swift and it looked like something out of Harry Potter. Dark and shadowy, like smoke. It has teeth, and it likes to dash out of no where and bite me. I ended up drinking because I couldn't handle it.
I will continue to try and fight it, but no promises. I'll just keep working with this knot in my gut, I suppose, since I don't know what else to do with it. I have a workbook from my therapist that is supposed to help me with these feelings and mindfulness, but I haven't looked at it yet because, ah ha, I keep feeling like I don't have time. I'm going to get a few more things done and hopefully I will get to it tonight.
I don't want to put too much pressure on myself because that seems to be how I get myself in the "lump" state, but I DO have a lot of things to get done and if I don't do them they will keep piling up.
Sunday I seen the monster. It is swift and it looked like something out of Harry Potter. Dark and shadowy, like smoke. It has teeth, and it likes to dash out of no where and bite me. I ended up drinking because I couldn't handle it.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Apocalyptica "End Of Me" feat. Gavin Rossdale (official full length HD v...
"With this start, I feel the end of me"
Thursday, February 10, 2011
When I first seen the movie "Titanic", I was on a leave from treatment for Christmas and my mom, sister, and her soon to be husband went to it the day it opened, December 25th 1997. After 5 months of treatment trying to help me 'get right' and re-realize the beauty in life, I truly had hope for the feeling this movie portrayed being part of my life.
"You're here, there's nothing to fear, and I know that my heart will go on. We'll stay forever this way. You are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on and on."
That is how I want so badly to feel now.
I did a substance abuse assessment today, that went okay overall (the uppity atmosphere and the assessor claiming he could smell alcohol on me even though I haven't drank in 3 days didn't help), but my heart sank worse when my therapist basically told me afterwords that I might have some form of multiple personality disorder.
I need to focus on the former before I can even think of THINKING ABOUT the latter, but I have 13 fucking days of analyzing to do it in (today's date until the day of my intake into the intensive outpatient program).
I slept an hr and a half last night, anxiety ridden worried about the assessment, got through that, told I was possibly even more fucked up then I thought, and now I have 13 days to process it all before substantial help.
I don't say this often but I'm opting for Celine Dion.
"You're here, there's nothing to fear, and I know that my heart will go on. We'll stay forever this way. You are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on and on."
That is how I want so badly to feel now.
I did a substance abuse assessment today, that went okay overall (the uppity atmosphere and the assessor claiming he could smell alcohol on me even though I haven't drank in 3 days didn't help), but my heart sank worse when my therapist basically told me afterwords that I might have some form of multiple personality disorder.
I need to focus on the former before I can even think of THINKING ABOUT the latter, but I have 13 fucking days of analyzing to do it in (today's date until the day of my intake into the intensive outpatient program).
I slept an hr and a half last night, anxiety ridden worried about the assessment, got through that, told I was possibly even more fucked up then I thought, and now I have 13 days to process it all before substantial help.
I don't say this often but I'm opting for Celine Dion.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
I crushed my daughters glitter today as she watched me rip every 'glow in the dark star' and picture of the cosmos off the walls of my bedroom.
She even followed behind me picking up the stars and picking up the "pieces".
I was so angry because the world felt so ugly and cold I didn't want to look at a fantasy of stars anymore.
"Reality isn't always pretty sweetie, sorry."
She looked at me with sympathetic eyes and said "Mom, you're having bad thoughts again".
I ignored her and continued to pull the stars from the wall. I didn't want any sticky tack or sticker or glow in the dark anything to remain. I handed her my blacklight, that she she knew I loved, and she looked at me boldfaced and asked me "why mom?"
Finally, she got sick of my emotional blockage, and she stood at the bottom of my bed and asked "so, did you accomplish your goal?"
I asked her what she meant, thinking she was talking about the stars.
She said, in so many words she didn't just articulate vocally.. "with the bad thoughts, with the bettering yourself, with the stopping of acting crazy, ....just generally, where you are in your life?"
And she looked at me in this way that was so adult and meaningful and intelligent just like she is.
I couldn't refute her. She was right.
My battle with depression and addiction is failing.
I fucking hate the images of my daughter walking behind as I remove all the stars and pictures from the wall and her picking them up and putting them up in her room and saying "but mom, you loved these."
She even followed behind me picking up the stars and picking up the "pieces".
I was so angry because the world felt so ugly and cold I didn't want to look at a fantasy of stars anymore.
"Reality isn't always pretty sweetie, sorry."
She looked at me with sympathetic eyes and said "Mom, you're having bad thoughts again".
I ignored her and continued to pull the stars from the wall. I didn't want any sticky tack or sticker or glow in the dark anything to remain. I handed her my blacklight, that she she knew I loved, and she looked at me boldfaced and asked me "why mom?"
Finally, she got sick of my emotional blockage, and she stood at the bottom of my bed and asked "so, did you accomplish your goal?"
I asked her what she meant, thinking she was talking about the stars.
She said, in so many words she didn't just articulate vocally.. "with the bad thoughts, with the bettering yourself, with the stopping of acting crazy, ....just generally, where you are in your life?"
And she looked at me in this way that was so adult and meaningful and intelligent just like she is.
I couldn't refute her. She was right.
My battle with depression and addiction is failing.
I fucking hate the images of my daughter walking behind as I remove all the stars and pictures from the wall and her picking them up and putting them up in her room and saying "but mom, you loved these."
Monday, January 31, 2011
Reasons why I shouldn't die:
My beautiful, smart, gorgeous and ever so needed daughter that I would never want to put a curse upon that "my mom killed herself."
My husband doesn't deserve two tragic deaths.
I love the two above so much that I can't believe the idea of self-deciding to leave them even crosses my mind.
Reasons why I shouldn't kill myself for myself:
There is a voice inside me that isn't done with being heard yet.
My beautiful, smart, gorgeous and ever so needed daughter that I would never want to put a curse upon that "my mom killed herself."
My husband doesn't deserve two tragic deaths.
I love the two above so much that I can't believe the idea of self-deciding to leave them even crosses my mind.
Reasons why I shouldn't kill myself for myself:
There is a voice inside me that isn't done with being heard yet.
don't let them throw me away
-Korn - Throw me away
A conversation with myself. I need to comfort myself right now.
Maybe if I just knew and trusted myself, this wouldn't be so hard. I wish I did.
how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
-Lifehouse - Storm
Maybe if I just knew and trusted myself, this wouldn't be so hard. I wish I did.
I've been seeing my therapist for about 9 months now. I've learned a LOT about myself, about my boundaries, and about all the different 'modes of being' I've had to be in order to protect myself and stay alive. I'm getting angry, I'm getting hurt, and I'm realizing that there is a rational reason for everything I do.
I'm just scared I'm getting to the point where I'm analyzing too much. Not as if I didn't analyze a lot before, but it's getting to the point where I feel so much tightness in my chest and I fear more panic attacks.
I stand up for myself and then I want to crawl into a whole and die from all the introspection I'm thinking and why did I say that and I can't believe I made them feel that way (of course the way they feel is just something I imagine in my mind from somethings as simple as a facial expression).
Noah told me tonight how much I've hurt him with the things I've said the last few days. I've been in a horrible hole hating everything, wanting to wipe myself out of this world. I've been hurting and hopelessly selfish at the same time.
I don't want to be this way. And while there are things that I do want to talk about with him and that need to be addressed, they should never be the sting on the end of arrow I shoot his way because I'm just wanting someone to hurt.
I'm not sure if all my introspection and anxiety about dealing with my past on top of taking the steps of going to two difficult college classes while trying to stop drinking and at the same time worrying about forcing Noah to stop smoking, is a good time to stop seeing my therapist. I want to stop, I fear that I'm thinking so deep it's holding me back. But what if not going is the worst thing I could do for myself right now?
I made and emphatic promise to Noah tonight that I would stop drinking and he promised to quit smoking. He made it very clear that he was tired of the wishy washy "okay lets quit" and he does and then I change my mind so nonchalantly. He doesn't deserve that.
I want to quit. Have wanted for a long time. Everytime I've told him that we would, I really meant it, and meant to stick to it. But I NEVER DO.
I made this promise tonight and I just KNOW I will fail it. I don't trust myself.
I think I just answered my own question. I can't stop going to my therapist now.
I'm just scared I'm getting to the point where I'm analyzing too much. Not as if I didn't analyze a lot before, but it's getting to the point where I feel so much tightness in my chest and I fear more panic attacks.
I stand up for myself and then I want to crawl into a whole and die from all the introspection I'm thinking and why did I say that and I can't believe I made them feel that way (of course the way they feel is just something I imagine in my mind from somethings as simple as a facial expression).
she's fine, most of the time
she takes her days with a smile
she moves like dancing in light
spinning around to the sound
sometimes she falls down
breathe, just breathe
take the world off your shoulders
and put it on me
breathe, just breathe
let the life that you lead
be all that you need
-Ryan Star - Breathe
Noah told me tonight how much I've hurt him with the things I've said the last few days. I've been in a horrible hole hating everything, wanting to wipe myself out of this world. I've been hurting and hopelessly selfish at the same time.
I don't want to be this way. And while there are things that I do want to talk about with him and that need to be addressed, they should never be the sting on the end of arrow I shoot his way because I'm just wanting someone to hurt.
I'm not sure if all my introspection and anxiety about dealing with my past on top of taking the steps of going to two difficult college classes while trying to stop drinking and at the same time worrying about forcing Noah to stop smoking, is a good time to stop seeing my therapist. I want to stop, I fear that I'm thinking so deep it's holding me back. But what if not going is the worst thing I could do for myself right now?
I made and emphatic promise to Noah tonight that I would stop drinking and he promised to quit smoking. He made it very clear that he was tired of the wishy washy "okay lets quit" and he does and then I change my mind so nonchalantly. He doesn't deserve that.
I want to quit. Have wanted for a long time. Everytime I've told him that we would, I really meant it, and meant to stick to it. But I NEVER DO.
I made this promise tonight and I just KNOW I will fail it. I don't trust myself.
I think I just answered my own question. I can't stop going to my therapist now.
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