Not a drop of alcohol for over two weeks now. I have my ups and downs, and today is another struggle. Not to want to drink, but a struggle not to want to control everything and everyone around me. I'm not sure if this is just a general 'drinkers' need to control things or some personality disorder issue because I can't seem to control my own brain so I'll control what other people do instead.

With Justin living with us, it has been easy to fulfill that desire to control. He puts himself in the child/victim roll soo easily that I just instantly take that parental/caregiver roll. I realized it last night and I hate it. Well, I hate the downsides to it which are that it stresses me the hell out, then I get irate that he isn't listening and say something to him which I end up regretting and feeling guilty for. And it's not even a normal type of guilt. It's the kind of guilt I feel when I scold my daughter too much. Not healthy to have that with a full grown man.

I got myself in such a tizzy last night going over his money situation, and was somehow convinced that he had $800. I was sooo sure of this, and I even ran down the amounts with him and he didn't tell me I was wrong. He was probably scared I'd bite his head off if he questioned me. Now that I'm thinking through the numbers, I have no idea how I could have thought it was that high. But I was convinced, and used that amount to go off on a two hour bitch rampage to Noah about how Justin was a liar and he was hiding money and blah blah blah.

When I came down, it was like I just witnessed someone else taking over. Like I didn't have control over my irrational thoughts. I don't know. It has made me depressed thinking about not being able to control my own brain. So I'm struggling today, trying not to feel like crap.

Justin got an apartment and will be moving out by this weekend, so I hope him being gone will help me to focus on a new normal. When I got up this morning and noticed that he posted on Facebook at 4am, I wanted to get pissed because he knew he had to be at his new apartment around 8-9am to get his cable/net hooked up, but I keep reminding myself that I'm not going to be his mommy anymore. I AM pissed, however, that Noah put his name on the line for Justin by spending 45mins on the phone with the apartment owner, going on and on about how good Justin is and how he'll pay and won't be a problem. The apartment owner knows a lot of people in our small town, especially people on the city council. It bugs me that if Justin messes up, it could affect the view people have of us and our business. Maybe that's just my paranoid anxiety, I dunno.