I had a small meltdown last night. I didn't drink, and it wasn't really a fight to want to, although being upset did make me have a couple of "why am I even doing this" thoughts.

Earlier in the day I put a post on Freecycle asking for any furniture anyone wanted to get rid of for Justin (since he's going to need it wherever he moves into). Someone responded saying they had a couch and loveseat, and I was in 'gung-ho mode' and pushed for Noah to pick it up last night since the people offering it were saying it had to be picked up last night or today. I figured since Noah got his customer job finished early (after getting out of his regular work early), that this wouldn't be an issue.

Well, he was irritated because his customer job didn't go so well, so when he got home he spouted off "you're lucky I didn't bring home beer." I was like woah, and instantly got defensive and shot back "that wasn't funny, at all." We didn't argue, and after a few minutes he agreed it was a bad choice of words. I understood that he was under a lot of pressure and he's struggling too, so I told myself to let it go, which I think I did for the most part at the time.

My nephews were over at the house because I watch them on Tuesday nights, so I was busy concentrating on them, plus I had given so much of myself trying to help out a women on the sobriety forum as well as Justin all day, so I was beginning to get a little worn down. Noah probably could have used a few hugs, but I didn't think about it or just wasn't picking up on it due being emotionally exhausted. I was still feeling generally positive, but noticed I was starting to get a little stressed.

The people with the couch and loveseat asked if we could pick it up at 9pm. With the snow starting to come in (not that much snow, but there was a chance it could start to get a little icy), Noah didn't really sound like he wanted to do it, and was being kinda snippy. I asked him for an answer so I could tell them and he was like "just wait a minute...they took two hours to get back with you a picture, they can wait five minutes for an answer." I understand his sentiment, but at the time it kinda pissed me off. I was slowly losing my happy positive attitude.

He decided that him and Justin will go pick it up at 9, but says he wants to leave at 7:30. I thought this was kind of weird since the address to pick it up was only 10 minutes away. He said it was so he could go hang out at a 'man store' (local one like Lowes or Menards) and just stare at crap. Whatever, I let it go.

My nephews got picked up, Noah and Justin left, and Miki finished her shower. I had been a little short tempered with Miki about getting in the shower, so we talked a little bit as I tucked her in and apologized to her. I was trying to feel better, trying to get the negative thoughts out of my head. I don't handle stress very well, I'm realizing.

After tucking Miki in I came back downstairs and just watched tv. Sitting there, my head started swimming with thoughts that Noah just left early so he could go get high with Justin. This pissed me off, but I tried to counter it, reminding myself that both him and Justin told me they wouldn't, and that he wouldn't lie to me.

When they got back, they put the couches on the front porch, Noah sat at his computer and lit a cigarette, and they went instantly downstairs to work on the basement. I was like, wtf? Noah didn't even barely say "hi" to me. I began to get pissed because it just felt so "right" that Noah must have gotten high because if he hadn't, he wouldn't be avoiding looking or talking to me, and that is why he went, pretty much, right downstairs.

......
[update]: I didn't finish the above like I'd wanted to. I got distracted. Long story short Noah didn't get high, I've been having a hard time in the evenings not turning into a bitch, and I'm struggling with not realizing I'm in that mode (whole multiple personality thing) until long after the damage is done.