The monster has had it's grip on me again lately, and despite my cries that "I don't have enough time to get everything done," I've manage to sleep away the last 3 days. I just finished updating one the websites I maintain, and the whole time I've had this pit in my stomach. I'm trying to get back into the groove of 'doing stuff' instead of just being a lump on the couch or sleeping, but it feels really hard. I think it's that monster trying to creep up and tell me "you have too much stuff to do, you will never catch up, it's a waste of time, you will always be a failure."

I will continue to try and fight it, but no promises. I'll just keep working with this knot in my gut, I suppose, since I don't know what else to do with it. I have a workbook from my therapist that is supposed to help me with these feelings and mindfulness, but I haven't looked at it yet because, ah ha, I keep feeling like I don't have time. I'm going to get a few more things done and hopefully I will get to it tonight.

I don't want to put too much pressure on myself because that seems to be how I get myself in the "lump" state, but I DO have a lot of things to get done and if I don't do them they will keep piling up.

Sunday I seen the monster. It is swift and it looked like something out of Harry Potter. Dark and shadowy, like smoke. It has teeth, and it likes to dash out of no where and bite me. I ended up drinking because I couldn't handle it.