I had a dream this morning that totally hits home with me emotionally. I'll explain my interpretation later, I have to get some other stuff done but this is cut and pasted from an email explaining the dream to my sister:

So there's this contest type thing happening in the church parking lot at JR's old house, I'm guessing something the Church put on. There were people there but the only ones that I knew or that even mattered in the dream were Noah, Kayla, Cody, and I. There were actually two contests, one had something to do with vehicles but I have no idea what the point of that was, if it was some kind of race around the parking lot or what. Anyways, I had a white older mustang, like the first one I had that you guys went with me to get, except it was pure white.

Well Kayla won the contest, whatever it was, and she did it on a mo-ped of all things.

Then there was this other contest and it involved a dancing contest. Noah and I had to dance like a certain dance, momba or waltz or something. Anyways, right before we did this I realized we hadn't practiced and I had no idea what I was doing. I hurried up and at the last minute put on bright red lipstick hoping that if I looked beautiful it would make things better, but when I looked in the mirror I felt like I looked like a tramp but I had no time to fix it, so we went to dancing. Noah knew what he was doing and I couldn't do it, I was looking like a complete jackass cause he's trying to twirl me and I'm just sorta moving around not knowing what I'm doing. It kinda faded into me not dancing with him anymore and Kayla dancing with him and they won.

There's a hole in the dream but somehow we got to the point where it was like Kayla broke her mo-ped or something, basically they didn't have a car to get home in. I think I sorta made a suggestion that she could borrow the mustang but noah comes right out and completely gives it to her, like she could just own it right out from under me.

At this point I become extremely suicidal. I start running and looking for buildings around the church to jump off of but non of them were tall enough to kill me, and they started chasing me so I ran down the street, like down south union towards mckinley. but you know how things in dreams start to seem surreal and I can remember trying to get away from them by jumping from rooftops on houses to garages and over fences, stuff like that cause I knew they'd catch me on the sidewalk. I found a church with a bunch of water and marble around it. Kinda buddist like, and there was this music and I felt like I could hide in one of the pools of water and listen to the music and be cleansed and saved or either drown myself in the water.

As I noticed that they got closer to me and found me at this church place in the water, I went under the water and held my breath, and I can remember being sorta half awake and actually holding my breath for real, because I could physically feel myself gasping for air even though I was asleep. I gave up on this and ended up on what seemed like 9th street. I kept trying to find cars to walk in front of and get hit and killed by but everyone swerved or were going to slow. I remember a real sensation of not really wanting to die, so it was kind of a half hearted effort to get hit by a car.

At this point they catch up with me or almost and I hear Kayla saying to stop chasing me, I'm just full of shit I'm not going to really kill myself. Acting like I'm just some sort of baby and I'm pathetic and everyone gave up. So I had a knife and I grabbed the knife and in the middle of the street I just started gouging cuts into my wrists, deep down to the bone, you could see the flesh and veins but not a whole lot of blood. I keeps slicing deep all sorts of different directions so I would bleed to death. I don't remember seeing much blood, but I do remember feeling like I was losing consciousness.

I remember paramedics showing up and thats about it, I woke up.

I had set a alarm on my phone for 9:45am (because weatherbug woke me up at 4am and the kitty kept bugging me and I didn't fall back asleep until 7:30, went to bed at about midnight so I knew I needed the extra sleep for the long drive I had to make today). Well, my phone said 9:42, so I closed my eyes thinking I'd just lay there for 3 mins until it went off. Well dumb me set the damn alarm for 9:45 PM instead of AM so it didn't go off and I slept for 10 more minutes. Here's the alternate ending.

I was running from them and I got away and ended up on the north side of des moines around where I used to live off of 6th and Franklin around the time I knew Bobby. He wasn't in the dream, just putting that there in case you don't remember the area. Somehow I acquired a needle or it's like I had one that I had saved or something, and decided that I was going to prostitute myself enough so I could get enough dope to put in this needle and kill myself. So I remember walking up to a bunch of guys like sitting in a yard and I'm telling them I'll suck their dicks for a 1/4 of crank. Well the guy couldn't get the crank, but he could give me money but he didn't want just a normal blow job so I got all slutty and said he could cum all over my face and that I'd suck the cum off him and blah blah...anyways without getting too graphic I was actually really good at it, and I got what I wanted.

A lot of nasty sexual shit happened in that 10 mins that seemed like a lot longer and I ended up at a gas station and I had a girl getting me my crank, a whole bunch of it. I remember getting the crank in my hand, and then my phone buzzed cause noah sent me a text message and it woke me up at 9:52.

they don't do anything for me, so why take them anymore?

I haven't taken any pills and the hunger is coming back.


FUCK

Keith,

Lana loves you so much that she's full of honesty to help you. Honesty hurts. If it didn't there'd be no point in telling someone when they're wrong.

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

Where'd you go my love?

He said he didn't read my blog, but he asked me about aspects about it tonight. Maybe he does read, I don't care.

This is like my diary and I don't want to hide anything from him.

I just can't wait for the concert with my sis and I. I promised her I'd be sober and I plan on keeping that promise.

Now what that means, I have no idea. I could be really emotional or really I don't know. But I made the promise and I intend to keep it.

I love my daughter...this has been our song for A LONG TIME

Vertical Horizon - Lonely Miracle

Aug 23rd, 2000
1:53 am
Wow, that is all that I can say at this point. I feel, I know...but do I really know what I feel? Not even simple litte I knows that. I feel Bobby, and I don't even know if I really know that he is there, but I feel it. So much that it brings tears to my eyes. I feel guilty, I should go see him. I wanted him to feel me, I have been thinkin about it soooo much lately. Now I don't know what to say (so to speak). I want to hug him, I know he has been there and I have felt in soo close, but I didn't really know it was him..............
I know he has seen everything, that I did, what I was, what happened, the way that I was, and still am in someways...
What do I say after 3 years........I don't say anything, I just feel.

I have changed so much, in everyway. I want so much to be close to god, or whatever higher power that ties close to me. That deep string of energy that knows that I am there and wants to let me feel they are there. I want to feel more than this. Maybe in someways what I have felt before, but now what I want to feel more. More then that is which outside of, but yet within. Deep inside the soul of my own mind. The one that sat in scilence when Bobby was dyin in intestive care at Ia Lutheran, takin sleepin pills hoping the best but feelin the fate that she knew to be true in her heart. She is me........and I will talk about she now.
She is scared, and she doesn't know what to say half the time. She hated loss, in anyway, and would like to feel that there is more to the length that shes goes to.....and that she stretches to. She just wants to know if u felt her kiss you as u left her? Did you feel her cry to the stars as she wished so much to change u places? Such special energy as yours, why did it have to go like that? Almost makes me wonder what I did, am I the evil energy that drew it to u? Whatever took u away from your life? Atleast your life before me. I know I wasn't your life, and I don't know your life that much, but I still feel u. I wanted to feel more of u but I never got the chance, and don't know if that is destiny or whatever that is, but it hurts. I just want to say that I know u feel me and that I feel u and that I love u. I did whatever I did because at the time I didn't know what else to do. I guess I chose the path that I was on, but I didn't have anyone else tellin me that was wrong. No one ever told me this is how u deal with this or it is okay, and give me a hug. So I guess I dealt with things the way I could, and therefore I became strong (in some eyes). But not in my own, cause I really have felt sooooo weak. I just want to have someone hold me, set me free from this pain. Tell me that it is okay to feel this way, and that I should just let it out......that I don't need to hate myself anymore for being the way that I was.

Noah is up and my concenration left me........I don't want him to be mad at me. I know he has to get up early and I hate to be the one to wake him up cause my lazy ass doesn't even have a time that I have to be up.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know I am confused, I even say that I am. But I knwo what I feel is true. And I usually go with what I feel. And sometimes what I feel confuses other people, but I still know what I feel. Then I wonder if that makes me crazy. Or was I always crazy, and that is why life and myself r the way the r.

@¿@---Lindsey Alaina---@¿@



Oct. 8th, 2000

Anger is the apostle that ravages the depths of my heart. I crave the anger and hate that is within, but all that is to be me. Is this my fate, that which is to devour all that i am and wish to be? Am I here just to fuck myself?
I feel that hate so consuming my all eternal soul. And yet i wait for it's passion to annialate me. To take me to all that is meant for my decrepid soul. I am corrupt...I am tainted....I am destined to this. I am ready. I have been ready to take all that is meant for me. The revenge, the payback; years of hate and anger and selfishness that I have set up for myself to achieve an all fatefull eternal end. The energy is that way, made to follow u and give you everything set in soul. I scream.......so ready, just wanting it NOW. Get it over with, take me...oh i was so ready so long ago. Only this is that i am too chicken shit to do it myself! I was ready for and explosion, a murder; gruesom and horribly painful. That is my fate, my death is passion and lust and ripping hatred of every drop of blood that drips from my sinful veins.
You think evil is that one thing that u do that makes you horrble or takes your subtle little life....NO......it is that thing that takes you in and makes u endure things that even u didn't know u could. You let it in and it sinks, and hovers. Becoming, growin within, moldin life and events to make that inner being scream for that death that only comes when u do it yourself. It bends u till you pray to break. I pray....I want...I need. What is there left for me here, is all i can ask. I know family, but what have they to gain from me? Nothing. All i do is hurt everyone. I don't even do anything to change that, and i have known that for a long time now. What the fuck is wrong with me, why can't i just fuckin die!!!!!!!!!

-----Linds

6 days from now 8 years ago:



I was going to blog about world issues, but something else has come up. I got a call just a few mins ago that my step-dad fell out a tree 20feet off the ground. He's at the hospital right now, he dislocated his shoulder, broke his back, and broke some other things, but I didn't remember what else after they said that he broke his back. I got the call from Lisa, my brother's girlfriend. They are at the hospital with him right now. JR, my step-dad is 62 years old, anything at his age is bad, and I know that he will never been the same. I guess I'm just in shock right now. I'm sitting here wondering what I should do. Noah is waiting until he gets off work in about 45 mins, and then we are going to drop Mikayla off with his dad and head over to the hospital.
I told Lisa that I wanted to come down to the hospital right now, but she said to wait because they were thinking about transferring him to a hospital in Iowa City, about 3 hours away. They can do more for him there. I can only think that if they are wanting to transfer him to Iowa City, that it must be bad. I'm scared, I hope whatever is wrong is not life threatening. I could not imagine losing him. He was the only dad I ever had until I was 17, and even after that, I have been closer to him than anyone else in my family besides my sister, Lana.
He called me earlier today to ask where I wanted to put the fridge we were keeping in his garage, because he wanted to clean it out. It's hard to think that just after I talked to him, this happened. And I don't even really know what happened. When I talked to him on the phone, he told me that he was going to pick Shiela's boyfriend, Brian, up from work and Brian was going to help him clean out his garage.
He told me a few days ago that he had a bunch of branches from trimming trees that he wanted Shiela and Brian to help him load into his truck to haul off. I can only imagine that what happened was that when Brian got there today they decided to trim a few more branches and thats when the accident happened.
I can't help but be mad at Brian right now for letting a 62 year old man climb 20 feet up in a tree, plus I'm sure that both of them were drinking. But I know that JR is so stubborn that if he really wanted to do it, Brian wouldn't have stopped him anyways.
Update
Lisa just called me and told me that they decided to transfer him to another hospital in Des Moines. I'm sure it's because he has no insurance that they won't send him to Iowa City, or better worded, Iowa City won't take him without insurance. She told me that he can move his feet, but his stomach is getting bloated and they don't know why. I don't know exactly what bloated means, I guess it's taking on some form of liquid or something, or maybe swelling, I don't know.
I'm fumbling around the house trying to find my purse. My cigarettes are in my purse, and I can't find it. I hope Noah gets home soon, I want to get to the hospital to find out what is going on. I'm sure Lisa is holding out on me. She sounded scared on the phone. I want to get there so I know what is going on. I want to be there for him. I'm praying, I want to be there and pray for him. I want to be close to him.
I just hate the fact that this is running the same course as it did when Bobby died. I'll have to explain that one later, but basically I had a boyfriend when I was 16, he was 18, he got pneumonia really bad. He was at Broadlawns Hospital (where JR is at now) and they transferred him to Methodist Hospital (where they are going to transfer JR to). Bobby died a week later. This is too similar for me. I feel out of control, and scared. I wish I could find my cigarettes.

I wanna break something. It's not fair that technology goes so fast that I can't do what I used to do the way I do it anymore.

I have something I want to say and I can't type it, I can't explain it, I have to show it.

Yea, I'm a webmaster. A dumb mother fucking web master.

I don't sleep anymore. I don't eat anymore. I ate a small piece of meat today, the only thing I've had to eat in 2 days. I'm not even that hungry. I feel like I'm dying inside.

I took 2 ambien and 2 librium hours ago, and layed down to no avail. What a waste.

The only thing keeping me alive at this point is 8 years old. I haven't drank for a few days so, no, this isn't a drunken post.

Noah called me at lunch today all chipper asking what I wanted to eat. I told him don't even bother coming home. He said "ok" and hung up. We've barely talked for days and when we do it's always the same thing. Him saying he's not mad at me, and me just shaking my head. He doesn't get it at all. I don't think anyone does.

I'm supposed to go with Noah to stain the rest of his mom's deck tomorrow. I feel like staying around here and doing all the things I've asked him to do for months and working until my body gives out. Noah brought up doing the deck, and I made a comment saying I didn't want to do it (not that I WON'T), just that I didn't want to, and he got all pissy saying "fine, I'll just do it". Whatever. I wasn't even going to argue about it.

I feel like I'm failing at everything. Tried to do a fundraiser to help my dad who just had quadruple bypass open heart surgery, and they've had to sell off a car and take out his 401k to survive. I've gotten nothing from all the work I've put into it.

My half-sister is pregnant and wanted to do a baby "sprinkle" (why the fuck they don't just call it a shower I have no idea), but they couldn't afford to do it. So I offered to print and mail the invitations, pay for the cake, and even a gift card for a drawing if you bring diapers. I bought the blank cards and made up the graphics for each of the sides, and emailed them to her days ago. Haven't heard a word. I even called and she didn't answer and I left a message with no return. I guess they're just not special enough for her, she likes all that high dollar go and buy specialty made cards with ribbons and shit. Whatever...I quit.

I even printed out pictures of photos I took cause I like to think me and my little po-dunk digital camera makes me a photographer. Put them in frames on the wall. I want to take them down. They just mock me. I'm no photographer, I'm a failure. I'm a fake. I'm nothing.

I can't sleep. No big surprise there. Still feeling dull and unhappy. Noah has a friend who all he does is smoke pot and is planning on coming over tomorrow night. I really don't want any visitors but I'm sure he'll have a wonderful time doing his favorite thing. Maybe I'll just take the laptop into my bedroom and be a hermit. I can't drink because we have to finish staining my mother-in-law's porch on Saturday and if I drink that won't happen.

I need to get a hold of my sponsor or something. I can't keep living this way. I don't even feel like I know what happiness is anymore. I keep the house clean (with Miki's help, she gets paid). I try my best to do all that I need to do but it never seems like enough.

I laid in bed and all I could think about was leaving Noah, as if that would make anything easier. Just stupid thoughts keeping me awake, searching for some way out. I always run, that's what I do best. That's why I drink.

How do I quit drinking? How do I get him to understand that he can't smoke if he expects me to quit. I have a sister who thinks that's completely selfish of me, but come on...a drunk is gonna find any excuse and him still being able to smoke is a perfect one. The only friends we seem to have at this point are pot heads and drinkers. I don't know how I'm ever gonna make it through getting sober.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up, completely. Like this life, which is worth absolutely nothing in the end. We die anyways and we're gone. Why go through it if this is how it feels? Why waste my time feeling this way?

I took the below 2 hours ago and I'm still not sleepin. Make of it what you will.

So I took my reg set of pills for day, prozac, b-complex, fish oil, prilosec. Skipped the other libriums, if they ain't laid me out by now, they won't.

This is how I sleep.

I save em up for nights that I really need them. 2 - 10mg Ambien and 3 - 25mg Librium.
It's not harsh by any means. I was originally prescribed 6 25mg Librium, my body is just winding down from it.

Well at least I'm good at being a mom. I'm teaching her responsibility, and I even told her what chores are mine so she doesn't feel like she's doing everything.

eh, you get something positive from me. embrace it.

He's mad at me. He says he isn't but I know he is. He's not drinking, he's smoking. I've had a rough last few days, and I started asking him to get me a bottle of vodka, he settled with me on a 12pk that he wouldn't get to drink.



If you read anything on this blog, you know I'll tell you in the eyes I know I have a problem. A problem I don't know how to solve.

We've had good time through my drinking. When I worked at the liquor store for that year, believe it or not I got so much more done and our relationship was better even though I was drinking (how can an alki not drink while working at a liquor store?).

And when I homeschooled Miki, things were good. I felt accomplished. And I even drank then.

I hate being here, in this house. ALONE

Yes, the drinking is killing me, but sitting here in this fucking house all day is killing me. I know I have things to do for the biz, but dammit, I'm dying inside.

I could get a job. Not sure if I could get a job in the web field or a fucking grocery store job making jack shit. Well, if I quit smoking for a month or so and I always smoke when I drink. Miki hates after school care, and if I get jobs for the company I already feel like I don't have time to do what I need to do. (yes, I'm not dumb, circle goes round and round, get drunk, be hungover and unproductive, la de fucking da).

The damned to hell answer is sitting there, RIGHT FUCKING THERE, in front of my face. And what do I do? I ask for vodka. I settle for beer.

I want a better life, and I know it's in my hands, and my hands alone. But I asked him tonight, "do you understand how hard this is for me? stop chewing your fingernails, or more like fingers cause you have no NAILS left and you've screwed them up so bad that you CAN'T grow them back out normally!"

Whatever makes you happy.
Whatever you want.
You're so fucking special.
I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep.
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't belong here.

Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

We all have our own storms.. But we make it through em.
"if I could just see you"...yeah, the you I remember, that stood right beside me.

So through all the shit below, the fact that my own husband didn't jump off the couch when I got thrown to the ground really bothers me. That's all I have to say about that.

So Cody got kicked out of my house. He got way too drunk and his guilt from various things got to him so much he stormed outside and came back in saying "I'm gonna kick her ass". Me being me stood up and put my arms in front of him and said "not in my house". He grabbed me and threw me to the floor out of his was. After that I got up and screamed "get the fuck out of my house right now!" I even got a baseball bat that my hubby took away from me.

Cody left. Apparently Kayla was being held back by Noah.

I'm still pissed that when a dude threw me down my husband didn't even get up off the couch. It's not like this shit happens EVER, but I guess I learned that he won't protect me.

Anyways, Cody is still welcome here without drinking. She moved out into an apt today and of course he's moving in with her. I wrote him this letter: