I don't sleep anymore. I don't eat anymore. I ate a small piece of meat today, the only thing I've had to eat in 2 days. I'm not even that hungry. I feel like I'm dying inside.

I took 2 ambien and 2 librium hours ago, and layed down to no avail. What a waste.

The only thing keeping me alive at this point is 8 years old. I haven't drank for a few days so, no, this isn't a drunken post.

Noah called me at lunch today all chipper asking what I wanted to eat. I told him don't even bother coming home. He said "ok" and hung up. We've barely talked for days and when we do it's always the same thing. Him saying he's not mad at me, and me just shaking my head. He doesn't get it at all. I don't think anyone does.

I'm supposed to go with Noah to stain the rest of his mom's deck tomorrow. I feel like staying around here and doing all the things I've asked him to do for months and working until my body gives out. Noah brought up doing the deck, and I made a comment saying I didn't want to do it (not that I WON'T), just that I didn't want to, and he got all pissy saying "fine, I'll just do it". Whatever. I wasn't even going to argue about it.

I feel like I'm failing at everything. Tried to do a fundraiser to help my dad who just had quadruple bypass open heart surgery, and they've had to sell off a car and take out his 401k to survive. I've gotten nothing from all the work I've put into it.

My half-sister is pregnant and wanted to do a baby "sprinkle" (why the fuck they don't just call it a shower I have no idea), but they couldn't afford to do it. So I offered to print and mail the invitations, pay for the cake, and even a gift card for a drawing if you bring diapers. I bought the blank cards and made up the graphics for each of the sides, and emailed them to her days ago. Haven't heard a word. I even called and she didn't answer and I left a message with no return. I guess they're just not special enough for her, she likes all that high dollar go and buy specialty made cards with ribbons and shit. Whatever...I quit.

I even printed out pictures of photos I took cause I like to think me and my little po-dunk digital camera makes me a photographer. Put them in frames on the wall. I want to take them down. They just mock me. I'm no photographer, I'm a failure. I'm a fake. I'm nothing.