This is self directed....I'm not religious.

I think I'm really drunk and getting unpredictable. I'm listening to Korn and getting angry. Anything I think I will take out on myself. Self destruct mode begins. I can't ask god to save me because I don't believe in such a being.

Reasons why I shouldn't die:

My beautiful, smart, gorgeous and ever so needed daughter that I would never want to put a curse upon that "my mom killed herself."

My husband doesn't deserve two tragic deaths.

I love the two above so much that I can't believe the idea of self-deciding to leave them even crosses my mind.

Reasons why I shouldn't kill myself for myself:

There is a voice inside me that isn't done with being heard yet.

don't let them throw me away
-Korn - Throw me away

I feel really cursed at saying the wrong shit at the really wrong time.

I know I'm a blunt kinda girl, but I don't wanna hurt anyone. And yet I do. I hate myself for doing that.

A conversation with myself. I need to comfort myself right now.

how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

-Lifehouse - Storm

Maybe if I just knew and trusted myself, this wouldn't be so hard. I wish I did.

I've been seeing my therapist for about 9 months now. I've learned a LOT about myself, about my boundaries, and about all the different 'modes of being' I've had to be in order to protect myself and stay alive. I'm getting angry, I'm getting hurt, and I'm realizing that there is a rational reason for everything I do.

I'm just scared I'm getting to the point where I'm analyzing too much. Not as if I didn't analyze a lot before, but it's getting to the point where I feel so much tightness in my chest and I fear more panic attacks.

I stand up for myself and then I want to crawl into a whole and die from all the introspection I'm thinking and why did I say that and I can't believe I made them feel that way (of course the way they feel is just something I imagine in my mind from somethings as simple as a facial expression).

she's fine, most of the time
she takes her days with a smile
she moves like dancing in light
spinning around to the sound
sometimes she falls down
breathe, just breathe
take the world off your shoulders
and put it on me
breathe, just breathe
let the life that you lead
be all that you need

-Ryan Star - Breathe

Noah told me tonight how much I've hurt him with the things I've said the last few days. I've been in a horrible hole hating everything, wanting to wipe myself out of this world. I've been hurting and hopelessly selfish at the same time.

I don't want to be this way. And while there are things that I do want to talk about with him and that need to be addressed, they should never be the sting on the end of arrow I shoot his way because I'm just wanting someone to hurt.

I'm not sure if all my introspection and anxiety about dealing with my past on top of taking the steps of going to two difficult college classes while trying to stop drinking and at the same time worrying about forcing Noah to stop smoking, is a good time to stop seeing my therapist. I want to stop, I fear that I'm thinking so deep it's holding me back. But what if not going is the worst thing I could do for myself right now?

I made and emphatic promise to Noah tonight that I would stop drinking and he promised to quit smoking. He made it very clear that he was tired of the wishy washy "okay lets quit" and he does and then I change my mind so nonchalantly. He doesn't deserve that.

I want to quit. Have wanted for a long time. Everytime I've told him that we would, I really meant it, and meant to stick to it. But I NEVER DO.

I made this promise tonight and I just KNOW I will fail it. I don't trust myself.

I think I just answered my own question. I can't stop going to my therapist now.