I can't sleep. No big surprise there. Still feeling dull and unhappy. Noah has a friend who all he does is smoke pot and is planning on coming over tomorrow night. I really don't want any visitors but I'm sure he'll have a wonderful time doing his favorite thing. Maybe I'll just take the laptop into my bedroom and be a hermit. I can't drink because we have to finish staining my mother-in-law's porch on Saturday and if I drink that won't happen.

I need to get a hold of my sponsor or something. I can't keep living this way. I don't even feel like I know what happiness is anymore. I keep the house clean (with Miki's help, she gets paid). I try my best to do all that I need to do but it never seems like enough.

I laid in bed and all I could think about was leaving Noah, as if that would make anything easier. Just stupid thoughts keeping me awake, searching for some way out. I always run, that's what I do best. That's why I drink.

How do I quit drinking? How do I get him to understand that he can't smoke if he expects me to quit. I have a sister who thinks that's completely selfish of me, but come on...a drunk is gonna find any excuse and him still being able to smoke is a perfect one. The only friends we seem to have at this point are pot heads and drinkers. I don't know how I'm ever gonna make it through getting sober.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up, completely. Like this life, which is worth absolutely nothing in the end. We die anyways and we're gone. Why go through it if this is how it feels? Why waste my time feeling this way?