I crushed my daughters glitter today as she watched me rip every 'glow in the dark star' and picture of the cosmos off the walls of my bedroom.

She even followed behind me picking up the stars and picking up the "pieces".

I was so angry because the world felt so ugly and cold I didn't want to look at a fantasy of stars anymore.

"Reality isn't always pretty sweetie, sorry."

She looked at me with sympathetic eyes and said "Mom, you're having bad thoughts again".

I ignored her and continued to pull the stars from the wall. I didn't want any sticky tack or sticker or glow in the dark anything to remain. I handed her my blacklight, that she she knew I loved, and she looked at me boldfaced and asked me "why mom?"

Finally, she got sick of my emotional blockage, and she stood at the bottom of my bed and asked "so, did you accomplish your goal?"

I asked her what she meant, thinking she was talking about the stars.

She said, in so many words she didn't just articulate vocally.. "with the bad thoughts, with the bettering yourself, with the stopping of acting crazy, ....just generally, where you are in your life?"

And she looked at me in this way that was so adult and meaningful and intelligent just like she is.

I couldn't refute her. She was right.

My battle with depression and addiction is failing.

I fucking hate the images of my daughter walking behind as I remove all the stars and pictures from the wall and her picking them up and putting them up in her room and saying "but mom, you loved these."