Cody and Kayla and the kids are living with us. They've been here for a little over 2 weeks now. Since they've been here I attempted AA for a week and did good until day 7 and haven't been back since. The 2nd night after Cody and Kayla arrived, we celebrated having our business in the parade and I got so fucked up that I beat the shit out of myself falling down. I think I permanently busted the shoulder that has had the most recent surgery and was working just find. It's slipping out of place again now and there was a big bruise on my arm and yellow all around the scar. Ya Me. After that was when my failed week of AA started and obviously didn't last long.

It's not easy having an extra family of 5 in the house, but I think somehow we're learning how to deal with each other. I don't know how to not drink with them here, I have no idea what to do about AA, I feel really pretty lost right now. Was feeling good for a while but spent the last two days in bed cause Sat night I got so drunk again I fell and busted my lip open and Cody watched me, so that was nicely embarrassing.

I hate myself and don't know how or if I will ever change. I have a whole list of phone numbers from people in AA but I have no fucking idea what to say to these people. All they're going to tell me is if I want it bad enough I won't drink. Duh. And then there's that 'higher power' part that says I have to give my will over to and I don't who the fuck my higher power is or how to 'give over my will' to anything.

I'm picking up some hours at the liquor store since they had someone quit on them. We need the money but that sure isn't gonna do squat for my not drinking. I need to watch my nephews more cause I get paid for that, but I just feel so overwhelmed and stressed I never take em. However there will be about a month worth of Friday's starting the 17th where I will be watching them for a couple of hours to help out my brother in law. I guess that's something.

I feel lost, scare, tired, and alone. And it really fucking sucks.