I feel like I'm losing grips on what I really set out to do in the first place. I think I had goals but they all hovered around just stopping drinking, and even that I'm not doing so well with. Not only have I failed to clearly define what I've been wanting to accomplish, but I don't think I've seriously anticipated how hard it's going to be to achieve. I'm garnering more respect for that whole saying that the "quitting drinking is the easy part."

My head is killing me. I've spent the last 3 days mostly in bed. Saturday really sucked. It was the going away party for Cody and Kayla and, of course, Cody had it in his head that we were gonna screw. 'Go me' for being the idiot to bring it up. I really have no idea why I brought it up again. Everything was already laid out that Noah and I weren't going to do that. It was cool that they had that type of open relationship but it was obvious it didn't work for us. Noah feels guilty about what he did with Kayla so if I wanted to push the issue with screwing Cody, I'm sure I'd get away with it, but I'd kill myself over the guilt. I knew all that yet I still got drunk and dragged things back outta the dirt.

So Saturday rolls around and Cody gets Noah alone to, well, I guess get some sort of okay to do his wife. Noah says the exact wrong thing, and Cody bombards me with this "Noah said you were having reservations and felt like you're playing mind games". Uhhh, well I wouldn't have said it THAT WAY. Fucking pissed me off and I felt like I was trapped against a wall. Had I at least had more then one beer I probably would have dealt with it better but I got pissed and walked away saying "I'm not gonna talk about this right now." Cody never knows when to leave things alone so he wouldn't leave me be, he just kept on making me feel smaller and smaller cause he "just wanted to make sure we were cool". I was fucking cool just walking into this party, I had it all worked out in my head what I was going to say when the time was right. I HAD control until I got clobbered with 'the men are going to make everything okay because I'm just a measly little woman who doesn't know how to say what she REALLY wants or doesn't want for that matter', and now I had no control what-so-ever and felt like a complete pathetic jackass.

So I spent the next hour slamming beers just to slam them, because I didn't want to think about how small and insecure I felt. I sure and fuck didn't want to mingle with anyone, and I know it showed cause Kayla kept coming up to me asking if I was okay. GOD DAMMIT! I would have been fucking fine had I just said what I wanted to say the way I wanted to say it WHEN I wanted to say it.

I wasn't going to fuck him. I just didn't want anyone else making that decision for me. I opened up the stupid fucking box and I wanted to close it.

So it all went wrong, I felt out of control, and didn't feel like I had the power then to tell Cody off when he did his "well, I at least want one last kiss". And of course I feel obligated to give him that because I'm the pathetic little jackass that had her husband tell him that "she's just confused and doesn't want to tell you because she doesn't want to feel like she's playing mind games." Nooooo, I just wasn't going to enter the party and immediately walk up to him and explain to him that I fucked up bringing stuff up the other night. Oh, and one my ass. He kept on kissing me throughout the night in front of everyone which in turn made me feel like a gigantic whore.

So I spent three days in bed hating myself feeling like a worthless piece of shit who will never change and there is no hope for me. Woke Monday morning having a full blown panic attack, that was great. I don't know what to do with me. Some days I wish I just wasn't me. If we're all gonna die and everything is meaningless in the end anyways, I'm not quite sure why I keep doing this.