The hamster is dead.

My elbow hurts, I started my period, I've spent the last day and a half in bed, and I don't even want to get into the interpretation of the dream in my last post. I've lost 30lbs in the last 2 months from pure starvation and have only exercised on the bike once. I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday, or is it the day before yesterday since it is now past midnight. I'm not even really hungry. I haven't taken any medications for over a week, except for I think one Ambien that didn't do anything. I haven't drank since the 23rd, nor have I even wanted to. The world feels melancholy and distant.

Friday night was fun. Dressed up with my daughter and went trick or treating. Saturday morning I went on my first airplane ride and it was exhilarating. After lunch everything fell apart. Seems like I'm only allowed to be happy for a little bit before something or someone crushes me back down to the pathetic little creature I am.

I've been watching this stupid show called Ghost Adventures, and in my adrenaline rush from the plane ride my dumb ass says something about going out to where Noah's dad died tragically and seeing if I could get any sorta messages from the other side. I know I couldn't seriously do it, not just because I know Noah would absolutely forbid it, but I'm a complete chicken shit who can't even sleep without a night light. But I was trying to explain to him that (hypothetically) maybe since I'm family I could get something. We have the hard hat his dad was wearing when he died and I brought up taking that out, because in the show they do shit like that, take out things that are attached to the deaths and they believe it brings the spirits out.

We're walking into the store as I'm talking about this to get some gifts for a baby shower and birthday party that are coming up, when Noah blows up and accuses me of using his dad's death for entertainment and I can't even really remember all of what he said because it felt like I had just been blasted in the chest with a baseball bat and sat back in the chair his mother had me sit in so we could "have a talk" right after his dad died.

I'm walking into the store, it's hard to breath, I'm walking fast and angry and dazed with her words floating and distorting all around my head.

"you don't love this family"

"you have a hidden agenda" "there's something wrong with you"
"I don't think you even know how bad you are"
"you need help"
"you are trying to tear our family apart"

and on and on and on. I left immediately that day after the "little chat" with his mother just days after his dad died, punching the steering wheel completely mind fucked because I had no idea why she said these things. It's one thing to say them cause she just lost her husband, and has since poorly apologized over the phone, but I know she really feels this way.

And here I was, Saturday, walking into Target when it felt like my own husband had just done the same thing. As I printed out the gift registry and practically ran through the store just to get the gifts, my mind was swimming in a cesspool of hatred, rage, hurt, sadness, a ripping at the deepest part of my soul.

I drove home dropping him and my daughter off, I couldn't even look at him. I told my daughter I was gonna go shopping for food, but I knew we didn't have any money for that. I just wanted to run away, get away. He wanted to talk about it but I didn't want to hear anymore, I knew if we talked there'd just be more ripping, slashing, words and memories tightening around my neck like a noose.

So I drove and drove, and he kept on texting me. I decided to park next to a river where there was a boat dock. Maybe to calm down, take it all in. I wanted to sleep, to not think. And he just kept on texting and texting. We were supposed to go trick or treating again that night and he said he wanted "to go with us..." so I texted back "...and my bottle of whiskey". I didn't even want to drink, I was just being snide tryin to get him to leave me alone. He asked me where I was and since I couldn't get a good picture of the river where I was parked I drove down the boat ramp and took a picture and sent it to him. He wouldn't stop texting me and I just wanted to be left alone so I turned off my phone.

I find out later when I turn my phone back on that he called my sister (who was going to go with us that night), telling her something about me drinking whiskey and the picture as if I was going to drive into the river. GREAT. So now I'm getting texts from her asking if I'm okay and saying "I really wanted you to be sober tonight". I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO DRINK.

So fuck it, I went home and went to bed. Way too humiliated and pissed off to go trick or treating. Have fun, they could all go on their own and chat away about me just like Noah's family chatted away about how horrible I was after the "little chat" with his mom.

Noah keeps telling me over and over how much he loves me and how it was miss communication and blah blah......hollow. I love him, but I am hurt.

And then tonight he makes some comment about how we need to find something to keep me busy during the day. Oh pathetic little house wife needs a little hobby wobby to keep her busy.

I feel so done with all this right now. I just want to leave. If I leave him my family will all think I'm stupid and crazy because he's a good provider and doesn't beat me. His mom will probably be over joyed. All I can think about is if I did do a legal separation for a while he'll probably find someone else cause little miss wifey who needs a hobby wobby is easily replaceable and he could easily find someone so much better who wouldn't put him through this much pain. Someone who his family will like and so he won't have to feel shunned by them because of me.

I wasn't suicidal before, and not really sure if I am now. I just feel like taking what little savings I have and getting a cheap one room (not one bedroom, one ROOM) apartment and telling everyone to fuck off. Just doing it on my own. Maybe it's some sort of empowerment in my mind instead of thinking about wrapping a rope around my neck or slitting my wrists and smearing the blood all over the walls until I'm so weak from blood loss I can't stand any longer. They have cheap apartments like that around here, 250-300 a month. Work out joint custody of our daughter.

Doing that would probably destroy everything. I'm sure I'd lose him for good and then I probably would kill myself.

But back to the hamster, she's dead, our daughter doesn't know yet and I don't know how to tell her. Definitely not until after school and then she has a dentist appointment so not until after that. The hamster looks like she just curled up in her little house and went to sleep and died. Sometimes that's how I feel. To sleep and not think, anymore, ever, again.