Drinking again was inevitable. I didn't even feel like I wanted to, and usually my need comes between 5-10pm, but around a quarter after 10pm I was screwing with a video on the computer, and I just felt like drinking. I've let Noah drink the last couple of days with no problem, I hadn't had a drink since the 23rd of Oct and didn't even crave it until tonight. I told him earlier to go ahead and get himself a six pack, I was cool, cause at the time I really felt like I didn't want it. But after I went and got some beer for me, he just slumped down and seemed to feel guilty.

IT'S NOT HIS FAULT!

I don't even know what to write. We buried the hamster, my sweetheart daughter cried a little bit and told me "I don't want anymore hamsters" cause it was the second one that's died. Broke my heart, but I held her and told her it's okay, we don't have to get anymore hamsters, and if she needs to talk I'm always here.

I have an amazing daughter, a wonderful husband, and a beautiful life, but I'm pulled back into the dark of alcohol no matter how hard I try.

I've scared myself in the last couple of months, with vodka. I blacked out a few times and did some shit that just seemed really weird. It didn't involve anyone else, but the one that really sticks out is me cooking some fucked up food, just mixing shit together and not knowing it until the next day. Later on that day I noticed a huge blister on one of my fingers, I obviously burned the shit out of the finger. Even over a month later it's not fully healed. That scared the hell out of me. I could have burnt down the house. I could have killed my family.

Yet here I am, drinking again. It kept me from drinking for a while, but the difference is that was vodka and I'm drinking beer, so it's better, right? ha

I told my step-dad this story and he said that he stopped drinking vodka when he fell out of that tree he was trimming years ago while drinking and broke his back (see repost below that I apparently reposted when blacked out because I don't remember doing it...ha again!).

Yet even since then I've found small bottles of vodka at his house. Maybe he doesn't drink as much, not nearly. But he still does. Am I fucked forever?

Back in a schedule of seeing my therapist twice a week (once with hubby and once alone). Our last visit with her as a couple was just wow, I realized so much about myself. I freely give myself and my money in hopes that someone will give a shit about me. Glad to know it now but I feel completely stupid. Paying for love. Trying to buy emotional support. How many problems can one fucking person have? I have many.

The therapist was talking about something and I brought up a story I've heard many times from my mom and step-dad, about how one time when I was a baby and they laid me down in a bed. I fell out of the bed and they heard a thump, but I didn't cry. To me it was always a story of strength, at least that's always the way I took it from them.

Noah said that when I told her that story, and when I've said it other times, I have a certain look on my face and my whole body says it. The therapist told me that I learned from an early age that I was alone, I had to fight on my own. She's very, I guess you could say nontraditional. That's why I like her. She's not just another asshole judging me with a notepad in their lap.

We discussed my walls, how I'm a spitfire that knows how to fight because I learned in life that all I have is me. Yet there's this deep need in me for someone to care. She told me later how precious it was when she watched me during that session look back at Noah with sad, sour eyes as if asking "are you still there?"

The only reason I've lost weight is because I've starved myself and slept for days at a time (but congratulated myself for not drinking). Now I'm eating again and I'll probably gain it all back. I'm all extremes, I know no middle.



My step sister gave me a hit of crank 2 weeks ago. Just one hit, that's all that was left on the foil. The taste, the feeling...indescribable. I haven't touched it for 10 years. I was completely unable to tell her "no" or "I don't want it." I'm not rushing out to get more. I don't even know why she did that knowing my past. No one else knows. She made me promise not to tell. I'm scared for my future.