Just had my first experience with inviting a customer into the house to pick up their computer. They came from the front door, walked through the diningroom and into the kitchen where their pc was sitting on the counter. I was nervous, but the house was picked up and everything went just fine! No panic attack, no horrible thoughts about my house (there were a few naggy ones, but nothing huge). I MADE IT THROUGH! More proof positive that I can do this and that this new life is what I want!

Things are still going strong. I have little bits of time when I get down on myself, but for the most part I've been really busy and productive. Been doing my morning online meetings at 8am, getting up at 6:40am and helping Miki get ready for school before the meetings. I haven't perfected writing down negatives or addressing negative emotions, nor have I done the greatest at being consistent with doing affirmation in the morning, but I'm working on it and not going to get down on myself about it.

Was really cool that last night when Noah showed the customer the website I've been working on for their business, they not only liked it, but came up with more things they wanted to do with it. So that felt really great. Went to see our therapist together last night, and I think Noah was feeling a little overwhelmed and wanted to get high. I'm glad he acknowledged it, because after we talked (alone, after we left the therapist office) he seemed less irritated and closed off.

Justin has been staying us with since Sunday, which has been a little bothersome since when he first came over I didn't stand up for myself and tell him he couldn't get high here. But today I came out and told him that he just can't do it while he's staying here (which will be probably 2 weeks until he gets his tax return), and he understands and says that he won't. He's saying that he's quitting, but that's up to him, he just can't do it while he's living here. My only worry is that he's going to turn into a dickhead and be all like "well, I can't get high" and start a huge pity party. No matter what, I can't let it get to me. I'm hoping that when we get him set up in the spare bedroom that he'll just have his pity parties in there and I don't have to deal with his negativity. I'm proud of myself for standing up for what I'm doing and what I don't want in my house.

I did my 8am online meeting this morning and, even though I was distracted by Justin and not fully into the conversation, I ended up staying afterwords and talking to some of the ladies. I met a woman who is struggling, so I offered to meet back up with her this afternoon. I feel good about reaching out. I know I've only been sober a little over a week, but this woman is very similar to me and I hope I can offer a little bit of advice and hopefully give her some hope. If anything, maybe just knowing that someone cares enough to meet back up with her, will give her a few hours of strength to not drink.

Homework done! Doing Storm Spotter training tonight, and I'm really excited. Let's hope I can remember this feeling of accomplishment and sticking to my schedule and doing things I really want to do on the days I'm feeling really down.

Done with appointment with therapist and feeling pretty optimistic. Fighting off negative thoughts like "your hyper happiness is just fake and she knows it" and "I'm stupid for saying [whatever]." Screw you thoughts, I feel good right now.



I told her that I'm making plans, just for a few days. I don't do goals and plans, so I figured I'd start small and just plan through Sunday. I recognize that being this happy and hyper and optimistic can be a trigger. I like to celebrate happiness too, so I'm a little on edge because of that. But at least I recognize it.

Negative Thoughts for Today:

*I'm lazy and stupid because I didn't wake up until 9:30am, when I was planning on waking up at 6:45. There must be something seriously wrong with me because I can never seem to get up early.
-Introspection- I didn't get into bed until 12:30am, and then I read a book from my therapist along with taking an Ambien. I didn't actually fall asleep until after 1:30am, so I 8 or less hours of sleep, when I'm used to getting at least 10. I am doing good because I acknowledge this is a problem area for me that I need to work on. This is also the first time I've taken an Ambien in a long time, and it's not surprising it made me extra tired.

*I screwed up again because not getting up early has made me behind on my homework schedule and the other things I need to do. I'm dumb and irresponsible.
-Introspection- Actually, I still have time today to get everything I was planning on doing today done. I didn't actually 'plan' to do housework, so throwing that on myself as a means to use negatively against myself is unfair. I'm doing good, I just need to stay focused and not get caught up in negative thoughts like these that actually cause me to get stuck in a hole. Plus I'm not dumb, pretty darn smart and very intuitive.

*Had to make a phone call, and the women on the other end of the phone thinks I'm stupid. Now I'm being extra critical of myself and I hate myself for it.
-Introspection- Well, I'm not stupid. I just called because I needed to have something sent to me and I didn't know how to get that accomplished, so I had to explain it to her. She just seemed more relaxed and maybe slightly annoyed, but I have no proof she was annoyed with me, I just automatically direct it to myself in a negative way. As far as being extra critical, I am. I'm even being critical right now writing this, thinking "how stupid is it that you are writing these things, there's no point to this, you're just an over-analyzing freak". *sigh* Oh well, no one said this process was gonna be perfect to start.

I notice I am starting to feel kinda crummy. My stomach has been iffy since I woke up (possibly because of the Ambien, possibly cause I'm up earlier then usual lately or had slightly less sleep then I'm used to), my back and neck are kinda stiff. I feel somewhat sad or sour. I need to get started on homework, but I think it's a good idea to try some affirmations. I have a 30 minute affirmation audio that plays some nice music and says nice things.

----

Okay, listening to the affirmations and thinking they sound pretty cheesy. Gonna keep listening though, maybe try and let the criticisms go if possible.

--------

The monster has had it's grip on me again lately, and despite my cries that "I don't have enough time to get everything done," I've manage to sleep away the last 3 days. I just finished updating one the websites I maintain, and the whole time I've had this pit in my stomach. I'm trying to get back into the groove of 'doing stuff' instead of just being a lump on the couch or sleeping, but it feels really hard. I think it's that monster trying to creep up and tell me "you have too much stuff to do, you will never catch up, it's a waste of time, you will always be a failure."

I will continue to try and fight it, but no promises. I'll just keep working with this knot in my gut, I suppose, since I don't know what else to do with it. I have a workbook from my therapist that is supposed to help me with these feelings and mindfulness, but I haven't looked at it yet because, ah ha, I keep feeling like I don't have time. I'm going to get a few more things done and hopefully I will get to it tonight.

I don't want to put too much pressure on myself because that seems to be how I get myself in the "lump" state, but I DO have a lot of things to get done and if I don't do them they will keep piling up.

Sunday I seen the monster. It is swift and it looked like something out of Harry Potter. Dark and shadowy, like smoke. It has teeth, and it likes to dash out of no where and bite me. I ended up drinking because I couldn't handle it.

Apocalyptica "End Of Me" feat. Gavin Rossdale (official full length HD v...

"With this start, I feel the end of me"

This song means so much more now then it did just 24 hours ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQRq4Fh1LCw

When I first seen the movie "Titanic", I was on a leave from treatment for Christmas and my mom, sister, and her soon to be husband went to it the day it opened, December 25th 1997. After 5 months of treatment trying to help me 'get right' and re-realize the beauty in life, I truly had hope for the feeling this movie portrayed being part of my life.

"You're here, there's nothing to fear, and I know that my heart will go on. We'll stay forever this way. You are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on and on."

That is how I want so badly to feel now.

I did a substance abuse assessment today, that went okay overall (the uppity atmosphere and the assessor claiming he could smell alcohol on me even though I haven't drank in 3 days didn't help), but my heart sank worse when my therapist basically told me afterwords that I might have some form of multiple personality disorder.

I need to focus on the former before I can even think of THINKING ABOUT the latter, but I have 13 fucking days of analyzing to do it in (today's date until the day of my intake into the intensive outpatient program).

I slept an hr and a half last night, anxiety ridden worried about the assessment, got through that, told I was possibly even more fucked up then I thought, and now I have 13 days to process it all before substantial help.

I don't say this often but I'm opting for Celine Dion.

I crushed my daughters glitter today as she watched me rip every 'glow in the dark star' and picture of the cosmos off the walls of my bedroom.

She even followed behind me picking up the stars and picking up the "pieces".

I was so angry because the world felt so ugly and cold I didn't want to look at a fantasy of stars anymore.

"Reality isn't always pretty sweetie, sorry."

She looked at me with sympathetic eyes and said "Mom, you're having bad thoughts again".

I ignored her and continued to pull the stars from the wall. I didn't want any sticky tack or sticker or glow in the dark anything to remain. I handed her my blacklight, that she she knew I loved, and she looked at me boldfaced and asked me "why mom?"

Finally, she got sick of my emotional blockage, and she stood at the bottom of my bed and asked "so, did you accomplish your goal?"

I asked her what she meant, thinking she was talking about the stars.

She said, in so many words she didn't just articulate vocally.. "with the bad thoughts, with the bettering yourself, with the stopping of acting crazy, ....just generally, where you are in your life?"

And she looked at me in this way that was so adult and meaningful and intelligent just like she is.

I couldn't refute her. She was right.

My battle with depression and addiction is failing.

I fucking hate the images of my daughter walking behind as I remove all the stars and pictures from the wall and her picking them up and putting them up in her room and saying "but mom, you loved these."

This is self directed....I'm not religious.

I think I'm really drunk and getting unpredictable. I'm listening to Korn and getting angry. Anything I think I will take out on myself. Self destruct mode begins. I can't ask god to save me because I don't believe in such a being.

Reasons why I shouldn't die:

My beautiful, smart, gorgeous and ever so needed daughter that I would never want to put a curse upon that "my mom killed herself."

My husband doesn't deserve two tragic deaths.

I love the two above so much that I can't believe the idea of self-deciding to leave them even crosses my mind.

Reasons why I shouldn't kill myself for myself:

There is a voice inside me that isn't done with being heard yet.

don't let them throw me away
-Korn - Throw me away

I feel really cursed at saying the wrong shit at the really wrong time.

I know I'm a blunt kinda girl, but I don't wanna hurt anyone. And yet I do. I hate myself for doing that.

A conversation with myself. I need to comfort myself right now.

how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

-Lifehouse - Storm

Maybe if I just knew and trusted myself, this wouldn't be so hard. I wish I did.

I've been seeing my therapist for about 9 months now. I've learned a LOT about myself, about my boundaries, and about all the different 'modes of being' I've had to be in order to protect myself and stay alive. I'm getting angry, I'm getting hurt, and I'm realizing that there is a rational reason for everything I do.

I'm just scared I'm getting to the point where I'm analyzing too much. Not as if I didn't analyze a lot before, but it's getting to the point where I feel so much tightness in my chest and I fear more panic attacks.

I stand up for myself and then I want to crawl into a whole and die from all the introspection I'm thinking and why did I say that and I can't believe I made them feel that way (of course the way they feel is just something I imagine in my mind from somethings as simple as a facial expression).

she's fine, most of the time
she takes her days with a smile
she moves like dancing in light
spinning around to the sound
sometimes she falls down
breathe, just breathe
take the world off your shoulders
and put it on me
breathe, just breathe
let the life that you lead
be all that you need

-Ryan Star - Breathe

Noah told me tonight how much I've hurt him with the things I've said the last few days. I've been in a horrible hole hating everything, wanting to wipe myself out of this world. I've been hurting and hopelessly selfish at the same time.

I don't want to be this way. And while there are things that I do want to talk about with him and that need to be addressed, they should never be the sting on the end of arrow I shoot his way because I'm just wanting someone to hurt.

I'm not sure if all my introspection and anxiety about dealing with my past on top of taking the steps of going to two difficult college classes while trying to stop drinking and at the same time worrying about forcing Noah to stop smoking, is a good time to stop seeing my therapist. I want to stop, I fear that I'm thinking so deep it's holding me back. But what if not going is the worst thing I could do for myself right now?

I made and emphatic promise to Noah tonight that I would stop drinking and he promised to quit smoking. He made it very clear that he was tired of the wishy washy "okay lets quit" and he does and then I change my mind so nonchalantly. He doesn't deserve that.

I want to quit. Have wanted for a long time. Everytime I've told him that we would, I really meant it, and meant to stick to it. But I NEVER DO.

I made this promise tonight and I just KNOW I will fail it. I don't trust myself.

I think I just answered my own question. I can't stop going to my therapist now.

Sweet daughter of mine,
You're are now turning 9,
And you amaze me with each passing day,

So creative and smart,
That's only the start,
Of all of the things I can say,

You write marvelous stories,
With adventure and glory,
Even typing and printing with pride,

From your photos and pictures,
You give us beautiful mixtures,
Of the true artist that you are inside,

In our techno family,
It's no surprise that your savvy,
And learn more with each passing day,

Here this gift I provide,
And with it I'll help guide,
For you to share in your very own way,

So to the point I will get,
As your patience I bet,
Is screaming "ok, just get on with it mom!"

I hope you enjoy,
All the things you can toy,
With your own site at your name dot com!

Happy Birthday!
The website
[herName.com]
is yours!

I took that dream to my therapist, and gave her my interpretation. She challenged me to see deeper about each piece of the dream. The things that stuck out the most, they're all characters, they have meaning even if they are in-animate objects.

Where the dream happened, it has meaning. In that church parking lot I remember listening to my headphones late at night walking around it, looking at the stars, wishing someone cared that I wasn't in the house like I was supposed to be. Where was my mom? Why didn't she care?

The dream started off on broken ground, that I only wished would be more caring. But it didn't help me. It didn't care about me, no matter how sacred I made it in my mind.