Friday, December 03, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sweet daughter of mine,
You're are now turning 9,
And you amaze me with each passing day,
So creative and smart,
That's only the start,
Of all of the things I can say,
You write marvelous stories,
With adventure and glory,
Even typing and printing with pride,
From your photos and pictures,
You give us beautiful mixtures,
Of the true artist that you are inside,
In our techno family,
It's no surprise that your savvy,
And learn more with each passing day,
Here this gift I provide,
And with it I'll help guide,
For you to share in your very own way,
So to the point I will get,
As your patience I bet,
Is screaming "ok, just get on with it mom!"
I hope you enjoy,
All the things you can toy,
With your own site at your name dot com!
Happy Birthday!
The website
[herName.com]
is yours!
You're are now turning 9,
And you amaze me with each passing day,
So creative and smart,
That's only the start,
Of all of the things I can say,
You write marvelous stories,
With adventure and glory,
Even typing and printing with pride,
From your photos and pictures,
You give us beautiful mixtures,
Of the true artist that you are inside,
In our techno family,
It's no surprise that your savvy,
And learn more with each passing day,
Here this gift I provide,
And with it I'll help guide,
For you to share in your very own way,
So to the point I will get,
As your patience I bet,
Is screaming "ok, just get on with it mom!"
I hope you enjoy,
All the things you can toy,
With your own site at your name dot com!
Happy Birthday!
The website
[herName.com]
is yours!
Friday, November 12, 2010
I took that dream to my therapist, and gave her my interpretation. She challenged me to see deeper about each piece of the dream. The things that stuck out the most, they're all characters, they have meaning even if they are in-animate objects.
Where the dream happened, it has meaning. In that church parking lot I remember listening to my headphones late at night walking around it, looking at the stars, wishing someone cared that I wasn't in the house like I was supposed to be. Where was my mom? Why didn't she care?
The dream started off on broken ground, that I only wished would be more caring. But it didn't help me. It didn't care about me, no matter how sacred I made it in my mind.
Where the dream happened, it has meaning. In that church parking lot I remember listening to my headphones late at night walking around it, looking at the stars, wishing someone cared that I wasn't in the house like I was supposed to be. Where was my mom? Why didn't she care?
The dream started off on broken ground, that I only wished would be more caring. But it didn't help me. It didn't care about me, no matter how sacred I made it in my mind.
Friday, November 05, 2010
Only 6 beers and I'm sick to my stomach at 2:42am, what gives?
When I stopped taking Lexapro years ago I got zaps that gave me a quick out of body type of feeling, and it took me about a yr and a half to get rid of that feeling. I swore I wouldn't take SSRI's or anti-depressants again because of the side effects, but recently tried prozac. Only did it for about a month and then stopped, 20mg, what I thought was a low dose.
Ever since I'd get a couple times a day the out of body spacey feeling that was very sudden and then gone, but none of the sharp zaps from my head down through my body like lexapro withdrawl. Well tonight, when I decided to get beer and as I was going to the store, I felt it a LOT. Write that shit in your medical journals cause I have no idea why, but I'm assuming it was because nerves or parts of my brain that were connecting the way I felt about going and getting the beer had something to do with the nerves that prozac screws with.
When I stopped taking Lexapro years ago I got zaps that gave me a quick out of body type of feeling, and it took me about a yr and a half to get rid of that feeling. I swore I wouldn't take SSRI's or anti-depressants again because of the side effects, but recently tried prozac. Only did it for about a month and then stopped, 20mg, what I thought was a low dose.
Ever since I'd get a couple times a day the out of body spacey feeling that was very sudden and then gone, but none of the sharp zaps from my head down through my body like lexapro withdrawl. Well tonight, when I decided to get beer and as I was going to the store, I felt it a LOT. Write that shit in your medical journals cause I have no idea why, but I'm assuming it was because nerves or parts of my brain that were connecting the way I felt about going and getting the beer had something to do with the nerves that prozac screws with.
Drinking again was inevitable. I didn't even feel like I wanted to, and usually my need comes between 5-10pm, but around a quarter after 10pm I was screwing with a video on the computer, and I just felt like drinking. I've let Noah drink the last couple of days with no problem, I hadn't had a drink since the 23rd of Oct and didn't even crave it until tonight. I told him earlier to go ahead and get himself a six pack, I was cool, cause at the time I really felt like I didn't want it. But after I went and got some beer for me, he just slumped down and seemed to feel guilty.
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT!
I don't even know what to write. We buried the hamster, my sweetheart daughter cried a little bit and told me "I don't want anymore hamsters" cause it was the second one that's died. Broke my heart, but I held her and told her it's okay, we don't have to get anymore hamsters, and if she needs to talk I'm always here.
I have an amazing daughter, a wonderful husband, and a beautiful life, but I'm pulled back into the dark of alcohol no matter how hard I try.
I've scared myself in the last couple of months, with vodka. I blacked out a few times and did some shit that just seemed really weird. It didn't involve anyone else, but the one that really sticks out is me cooking some fucked up food, just mixing shit together and not knowing it until the next day. Later on that day I noticed a huge blister on one of my fingers, I obviously burned the shit out of the finger. Even over a month later it's not fully healed. That scared the hell out of me. I could have burnt down the house. I could have killed my family.
Yet here I am, drinking again. It kept me from drinking for a while, but the difference is that was vodka and I'm drinking beer, so it's better, right? ha
I told my step-dad this story and he said that he stopped drinking vodka when he fell out of that tree he was trimming years ago while drinking and broke his back (see repost below that I apparently reposted when blacked out because I don't remember doing it...ha again!).
Yet even since then I've found small bottles of vodka at his house. Maybe he doesn't drink as much, not nearly. But he still does. Am I fucked forever?
Back in a schedule of seeing my therapist twice a week (once with hubby and once alone). Our last visit with her as a couple was just wow, I realized so much about myself. I freely give myself and my money in hopes that someone will give a shit about me. Glad to know it now but I feel completely stupid. Paying for love. Trying to buy emotional support. How many problems can one fucking person have? I have many.
The therapist was talking about something and I brought up a story I've heard many times from my mom and step-dad, about how one time when I was a baby and they laid me down in a bed. I fell out of the bed and they heard a thump, but I didn't cry. To me it was always a story of strength, at least that's always the way I took it from them.
Noah said that when I told her that story, and when I've said it other times, I have a certain look on my face and my whole body says it. The therapist told me that I learned from an early age that I was alone, I had to fight on my own. She's very, I guess you could say nontraditional. That's why I like her. She's not just another asshole judging me with a notepad in their lap.
We discussed my walls, how I'm a spitfire that knows how to fight because I learned in life that all I have is me. Yet there's this deep need in me for someone to care. She told me later how precious it was when she watched me during that session look back at Noah with sad, sour eyes as if asking "are you still there?"
The only reason I've lost weight is because I've starved myself and slept for days at a time (but congratulated myself for not drinking). Now I'm eating again and I'll probably gain it all back. I'm all extremes, I know no middle.
My step sister gave me a hit of crank 2 weeks ago. Just one hit, that's all that was left on the foil. The taste, the feeling...indescribable. I haven't touched it for 10 years. I was completely unable to tell her "no" or "I don't want it." I'm not rushing out to get more. I don't even know why she did that knowing my past. No one else knows. She made me promise not to tell. I'm scared for my future.
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT!
I don't even know what to write. We buried the hamster, my sweetheart daughter cried a little bit and told me "I don't want anymore hamsters" cause it was the second one that's died. Broke my heart, but I held her and told her it's okay, we don't have to get anymore hamsters, and if she needs to talk I'm always here.
I have an amazing daughter, a wonderful husband, and a beautiful life, but I'm pulled back into the dark of alcohol no matter how hard I try.
I've scared myself in the last couple of months, with vodka. I blacked out a few times and did some shit that just seemed really weird. It didn't involve anyone else, but the one that really sticks out is me cooking some fucked up food, just mixing shit together and not knowing it until the next day. Later on that day I noticed a huge blister on one of my fingers, I obviously burned the shit out of the finger. Even over a month later it's not fully healed. That scared the hell out of me. I could have burnt down the house. I could have killed my family.
Yet here I am, drinking again. It kept me from drinking for a while, but the difference is that was vodka and I'm drinking beer, so it's better, right? ha
I told my step-dad this story and he said that he stopped drinking vodka when he fell out of that tree he was trimming years ago while drinking and broke his back (see repost below that I apparently reposted when blacked out because I don't remember doing it...ha again!).
Yet even since then I've found small bottles of vodka at his house. Maybe he doesn't drink as much, not nearly. But he still does. Am I fucked forever?
Back in a schedule of seeing my therapist twice a week (once with hubby and once alone). Our last visit with her as a couple was just wow, I realized so much about myself. I freely give myself and my money in hopes that someone will give a shit about me. Glad to know it now but I feel completely stupid. Paying for love. Trying to buy emotional support. How many problems can one fucking person have? I have many.
The therapist was talking about something and I brought up a story I've heard many times from my mom and step-dad, about how one time when I was a baby and they laid me down in a bed. I fell out of the bed and they heard a thump, but I didn't cry. To me it was always a story of strength, at least that's always the way I took it from them.
Noah said that when I told her that story, and when I've said it other times, I have a certain look on my face and my whole body says it. The therapist told me that I learned from an early age that I was alone, I had to fight on my own. She's very, I guess you could say nontraditional. That's why I like her. She's not just another asshole judging me with a notepad in their lap.
We discussed my walls, how I'm a spitfire that knows how to fight because I learned in life that all I have is me. Yet there's this deep need in me for someone to care. She told me later how precious it was when she watched me during that session look back at Noah with sad, sour eyes as if asking "are you still there?"
The only reason I've lost weight is because I've starved myself and slept for days at a time (but congratulated myself for not drinking). Now I'm eating again and I'll probably gain it all back. I'm all extremes, I know no middle.
My step sister gave me a hit of crank 2 weeks ago. Just one hit, that's all that was left on the foil. The taste, the feeling...indescribable. I haven't touched it for 10 years. I was completely unable to tell her "no" or "I don't want it." I'm not rushing out to get more. I don't even know why she did that knowing my past. No one else knows. She made me promise not to tell. I'm scared for my future.
Monday, November 01, 2010
The hamster is dead.
My elbow hurts, I started my period, I've spent the last day and a half in bed, and I don't even want to get into the interpretation of the dream in my last post. I've lost 30lbs in the last 2 months from pure starvation and have only exercised on the bike once. I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday, or is it the day before yesterday since it is now past midnight. I'm not even really hungry. I haven't taken any medications for over a week, except for I think one Ambien that didn't do anything. I haven't drank since the 23rd, nor have I even wanted to. The world feels melancholy and distant.
Friday night was fun. Dressed up with my daughter and went trick or treating. Saturday morning I went on my first airplane ride and it was exhilarating. After lunch everything fell apart. Seems like I'm only allowed to be happy for a little bit before something or someone crushes me back down to the pathetic little creature I am.
I've been watching this stupid show called Ghost Adventures, and in my adrenaline rush from the plane ride my dumb ass says something about going out to where Noah's dad died tragically and seeing if I could get any sorta messages from the other side. I know I couldn't seriously do it, not just because I know Noah would absolutely forbid it, but I'm a complete chicken shit who can't even sleep without a night light. But I was trying to explain to him that (hypothetically) maybe since I'm family I could get something. We have the hard hat his dad was wearing when he died and I brought up taking that out, because in the show they do shit like that, take out things that are attached to the deaths and they believe it brings the spirits out.
We're walking into the store as I'm talking about this to get some gifts for a baby shower and birthday party that are coming up, when Noah blows up and accuses me of using his dad's death for entertainment and I can't even really remember all of what he said because it felt like I had just been blasted in the chest with a baseball bat and sat back in the chair his mother had me sit in so we could "have a talk" right after his dad died.
I'm walking into the store, it's hard to breath, I'm walking fast and angry and dazed with her words floating and distorting all around my head.
"you don't love this family"
"you have a hidden agenda" "there's something wrong with you"
"I don't think you even know how bad you are"
"you need help"
"you are trying to tear our family apart"
and on and on and on. I left immediately that day after the "little chat" with his mother just days after his dad died, punching the steering wheel completely mind fucked because I had no idea why she said these things. It's one thing to say them cause she just lost her husband, and has since poorly apologized over the phone, but I know she really feels this way.
And here I was, Saturday, walking into Target when it felt like my own husband had just done the same thing. As I printed out the gift registry and practically ran through the store just to get the gifts, my mind was swimming in a cesspool of hatred, rage, hurt, sadness, a ripping at the deepest part of my soul.
I drove home dropping him and my daughter off, I couldn't even look at him. I told my daughter I was gonna go shopping for food, but I knew we didn't have any money for that. I just wanted to run away, get away. He wanted to talk about it but I didn't want to hear anymore, I knew if we talked there'd just be more ripping, slashing, words and memories tightening around my neck like a noose.
So I drove and drove, and he kept on texting me. I decided to park next to a river where there was a boat dock. Maybe to calm down, take it all in. I wanted to sleep, to not think. And he just kept on texting and texting. We were supposed to go trick or treating again that night and he said he wanted "to go with us..." so I texted back "...and my bottle of whiskey". I didn't even want to drink, I was just being snide tryin to get him to leave me alone. He asked me where I was and since I couldn't get a good picture of the river where I was parked I drove down the boat ramp and took a picture and sent it to him. He wouldn't stop texting me and I just wanted to be left alone so I turned off my phone.
I find out later when I turn my phone back on that he called my sister (who was going to go with us that night), telling her something about me drinking whiskey and the picture as if I was going to drive into the river. GREAT. So now I'm getting texts from her asking if I'm okay and saying "I really wanted you to be sober tonight". I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO DRINK.
So fuck it, I went home and went to bed. Way too humiliated and pissed off to go trick or treating. Have fun, they could all go on their own and chat away about me just like Noah's family chatted away about how horrible I was after the "little chat" with his mom.
Noah keeps telling me over and over how much he loves me and how it was miss communication and blah blah......hollow. I love him, but I am hurt.
And then tonight he makes some comment about how we need to find something to keep me busy during the day. Oh pathetic little house wife needs a little hobby wobby to keep her busy.
I feel so done with all this right now. I just want to leave. If I leave him my family will all think I'm stupid and crazy because he's a good provider and doesn't beat me. His mom will probably be over joyed. All I can think about is if I did do a legal separation for a while he'll probably find someone else cause little miss wifey who needs a hobby wobby is easily replaceable and he could easily find someone so much better who wouldn't put him through this much pain. Someone who his family will like and so he won't have to feel shunned by them because of me.
I wasn't suicidal before, and not really sure if I am now. I just feel like taking what little savings I have and getting a cheap one room (not one bedroom, one ROOM) apartment and telling everyone to fuck off. Just doing it on my own. Maybe it's some sort of empowerment in my mind instead of thinking about wrapping a rope around my neck or slitting my wrists and smearing the blood all over the walls until I'm so weak from blood loss I can't stand any longer. They have cheap apartments like that around here, 250-300 a month. Work out joint custody of our daughter.
Doing that would probably destroy everything. I'm sure I'd lose him for good and then I probably would kill myself.
But back to the hamster, she's dead, our daughter doesn't know yet and I don't know how to tell her. Definitely not until after school and then she has a dentist appointment so not until after that. The hamster looks like she just curled up in her little house and went to sleep and died. Sometimes that's how I feel. To sleep and not think, anymore, ever, again.
My elbow hurts, I started my period, I've spent the last day and a half in bed, and I don't even want to get into the interpretation of the dream in my last post. I've lost 30lbs in the last 2 months from pure starvation and have only exercised on the bike once. I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday, or is it the day before yesterday since it is now past midnight. I'm not even really hungry. I haven't taken any medications for over a week, except for I think one Ambien that didn't do anything. I haven't drank since the 23rd, nor have I even wanted to. The world feels melancholy and distant.
Friday night was fun. Dressed up with my daughter and went trick or treating. Saturday morning I went on my first airplane ride and it was exhilarating. After lunch everything fell apart. Seems like I'm only allowed to be happy for a little bit before something or someone crushes me back down to the pathetic little creature I am.
I've been watching this stupid show called Ghost Adventures, and in my adrenaline rush from the plane ride my dumb ass says something about going out to where Noah's dad died tragically and seeing if I could get any sorta messages from the other side. I know I couldn't seriously do it, not just because I know Noah would absolutely forbid it, but I'm a complete chicken shit who can't even sleep without a night light. But I was trying to explain to him that (hypothetically) maybe since I'm family I could get something. We have the hard hat his dad was wearing when he died and I brought up taking that out, because in the show they do shit like that, take out things that are attached to the deaths and they believe it brings the spirits out.
We're walking into the store as I'm talking about this to get some gifts for a baby shower and birthday party that are coming up, when Noah blows up and accuses me of using his dad's death for entertainment and I can't even really remember all of what he said because it felt like I had just been blasted in the chest with a baseball bat and sat back in the chair his mother had me sit in so we could "have a talk" right after his dad died.
I'm walking into the store, it's hard to breath, I'm walking fast and angry and dazed with her words floating and distorting all around my head.
"you don't love this family"
"you have a hidden agenda" "there's something wrong with you"
"I don't think you even know how bad you are"
"you need help"
"you are trying to tear our family apart"
and on and on and on. I left immediately that day after the "little chat" with his mother just days after his dad died, punching the steering wheel completely mind fucked because I had no idea why she said these things. It's one thing to say them cause she just lost her husband, and has since poorly apologized over the phone, but I know she really feels this way.
And here I was, Saturday, walking into Target when it felt like my own husband had just done the same thing. As I printed out the gift registry and practically ran through the store just to get the gifts, my mind was swimming in a cesspool of hatred, rage, hurt, sadness, a ripping at the deepest part of my soul.
I drove home dropping him and my daughter off, I couldn't even look at him. I told my daughter I was gonna go shopping for food, but I knew we didn't have any money for that. I just wanted to run away, get away. He wanted to talk about it but I didn't want to hear anymore, I knew if we talked there'd just be more ripping, slashing, words and memories tightening around my neck like a noose.
So I drove and drove, and he kept on texting me. I decided to park next to a river where there was a boat dock. Maybe to calm down, take it all in. I wanted to sleep, to not think. And he just kept on texting and texting. We were supposed to go trick or treating again that night and he said he wanted "to go with us..." so I texted back "...and my bottle of whiskey". I didn't even want to drink, I was just being snide tryin to get him to leave me alone. He asked me where I was and since I couldn't get a good picture of the river where I was parked I drove down the boat ramp and took a picture and sent it to him. He wouldn't stop texting me and I just wanted to be left alone so I turned off my phone.
I find out later when I turn my phone back on that he called my sister (who was going to go with us that night), telling her something about me drinking whiskey and the picture as if I was going to drive into the river. GREAT. So now I'm getting texts from her asking if I'm okay and saying "I really wanted you to be sober tonight". I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO DRINK.
So fuck it, I went home and went to bed. Way too humiliated and pissed off to go trick or treating. Have fun, they could all go on their own and chat away about me just like Noah's family chatted away about how horrible I was after the "little chat" with his mom.
Noah keeps telling me over and over how much he loves me and how it was miss communication and blah blah......hollow. I love him, but I am hurt.
And then tonight he makes some comment about how we need to find something to keep me busy during the day. Oh pathetic little house wife needs a little hobby wobby to keep her busy.
I feel so done with all this right now. I just want to leave. If I leave him my family will all think I'm stupid and crazy because he's a good provider and doesn't beat me. His mom will probably be over joyed. All I can think about is if I did do a legal separation for a while he'll probably find someone else cause little miss wifey who needs a hobby wobby is easily replaceable and he could easily find someone so much better who wouldn't put him through this much pain. Someone who his family will like and so he won't have to feel shunned by them because of me.
I wasn't suicidal before, and not really sure if I am now. I just feel like taking what little savings I have and getting a cheap one room (not one bedroom, one ROOM) apartment and telling everyone to fuck off. Just doing it on my own. Maybe it's some sort of empowerment in my mind instead of thinking about wrapping a rope around my neck or slitting my wrists and smearing the blood all over the walls until I'm so weak from blood loss I can't stand any longer. They have cheap apartments like that around here, 250-300 a month. Work out joint custody of our daughter.
Doing that would probably destroy everything. I'm sure I'd lose him for good and then I probably would kill myself.
But back to the hamster, she's dead, our daughter doesn't know yet and I don't know how to tell her. Definitely not until after school and then she has a dentist appointment so not until after that. The hamster looks like she just curled up in her little house and went to sleep and died. Sometimes that's how I feel. To sleep and not think, anymore, ever, again.
Monday, October 25, 2010
I had a dream this morning that totally hits home with me emotionally. I'll explain my interpretation later, I have to get some other stuff done but this is cut and pasted from an email explaining the dream to my sister:
So there's this contest type thing happening in the church parking lot at JR's old house, I'm guessing something the Church put on. There were people there but the only ones that I knew or that even mattered in the dream were Noah, Kayla, Cody, and I. There were actually two contests, one had something to do with vehicles but I have no idea what the point of that was, if it was some kind of race around the parking lot or what. Anyways, I had a white older mustang, like the first one I had that you guys went with me to get, except it was pure white.
Well Kayla won the contest, whatever it was, and she did it on a mo-ped of all things.
Then there was this other contest and it involved a dancing contest. Noah and I had to dance like a certain dance, momba or waltz or something. Anyways, right before we did this I realized we hadn't practiced and I had no idea what I was doing. I hurried up and at the last minute put on bright red lipstick hoping that if I looked beautiful it would make things better, but when I looked in the mirror I felt like I looked like a tramp but I had no time to fix it, so we went to dancing. Noah knew what he was doing and I couldn't do it, I was looking like a complete jackass cause he's trying to twirl me and I'm just sorta moving around not knowing what I'm doing. It kinda faded into me not dancing with him anymore and Kayla dancing with him and they won.
There's a hole in the dream but somehow we got to the point where it was like Kayla broke her mo-ped or something, basically they didn't have a car to get home in. I think I sorta made a suggestion that she could borrow the mustang but noah comes right out and completely gives it to her, like she could just own it right out from under me.
At this point I become extremely suicidal. I start running and looking for buildings around the church to jump off of but non of them were tall enough to kill me, and they started chasing me so I ran down the street, like down south union towards mckinley. but you know how things in dreams start to seem surreal and I can remember trying to get away from them by jumping from rooftops on houses to garages and over fences, stuff like that cause I knew they'd catch me on the sidewalk. I found a church with a bunch of water and marble around it. Kinda buddist like, and there was this music and I felt like I could hide in one of the pools of water and listen to the music and be cleansed and saved or either drown myself in the water.
As I noticed that they got closer to me and found me at this church place in the water, I went under the water and held my breath, and I can remember being sorta half awake and actually holding my breath for real, because I could physically feel myself gasping for air even though I was asleep. I gave up on this and ended up on what seemed like 9th street. I kept trying to find cars to walk in front of and get hit and killed by but everyone swerved or were going to slow. I remember a real sensation of not really wanting to die, so it was kind of a half hearted effort to get hit by a car.
At this point they catch up with me or almost and I hear Kayla saying to stop chasing me, I'm just full of shit I'm not going to really kill myself. Acting like I'm just some sort of baby and I'm pathetic and everyone gave up. So I had a knife and I grabbed the knife and in the middle of the street I just started gouging cuts into my wrists, deep down to the bone, you could see the flesh and veins but not a whole lot of blood. I keeps slicing deep all sorts of different directions so I would bleed to death. I don't remember seeing much blood, but I do remember feeling like I was losing consciousness.
I remember paramedics showing up and thats about it, I woke up.
I had set a alarm on my phone for 9:45am (because weatherbug woke me up at 4am and the kitty kept bugging me and I didn't fall back asleep until 7:30, went to bed at about midnight so I knew I needed the extra sleep for the long drive I had to make today). Well, my phone said 9:42, so I closed my eyes thinking I'd just lay there for 3 mins until it went off. Well dumb me set the damn alarm for 9:45 PM instead of AM so it didn't go off and I slept for 10 more minutes. Here's the alternate ending.
I was running from them and I got away and ended up on the north side of des moines around where I used to live off of 6th and Franklin around the time I knew Bobby. He wasn't in the dream, just putting that there in case you don't remember the area. Somehow I acquired a needle or it's like I had one that I had saved or something, and decided that I was going to prostitute myself enough so I could get enough dope to put in this needle and kill myself. So I remember walking up to a bunch of guys like sitting in a yard and I'm telling them I'll suck their dicks for a 1/4 of crank. Well the guy couldn't get the crank, but he could give me money but he didn't want just a normal blow job so I got all slutty and said he could cum all over my face and that I'd suck the cum off him and blah blah...anyways without getting too graphic I was actually really good at it, and I got what I wanted.
A lot of nasty sexual shit happened in that 10 mins that seemed like a lot longer and I ended up at a gas station and I had a girl getting me my crank, a whole bunch of it. I remember getting the crank in my hand, and then my phone buzzed cause noah sent me a text message and it woke me up at 9:52.
So there's this contest type thing happening in the church parking lot at JR's old house, I'm guessing something the Church put on. There were people there but the only ones that I knew or that even mattered in the dream were Noah, Kayla, Cody, and I. There were actually two contests, one had something to do with vehicles but I have no idea what the point of that was, if it was some kind of race around the parking lot or what. Anyways, I had a white older mustang, like the first one I had that you guys went with me to get, except it was pure white.
Well Kayla won the contest, whatever it was, and she did it on a mo-ped of all things.
Then there was this other contest and it involved a dancing contest. Noah and I had to dance like a certain dance, momba or waltz or something. Anyways, right before we did this I realized we hadn't practiced and I had no idea what I was doing. I hurried up and at the last minute put on bright red lipstick hoping that if I looked beautiful it would make things better, but when I looked in the mirror I felt like I looked like a tramp but I had no time to fix it, so we went to dancing. Noah knew what he was doing and I couldn't do it, I was looking like a complete jackass cause he's trying to twirl me and I'm just sorta moving around not knowing what I'm doing. It kinda faded into me not dancing with him anymore and Kayla dancing with him and they won.
There's a hole in the dream but somehow we got to the point where it was like Kayla broke her mo-ped or something, basically they didn't have a car to get home in. I think I sorta made a suggestion that she could borrow the mustang but noah comes right out and completely gives it to her, like she could just own it right out from under me.
At this point I become extremely suicidal. I start running and looking for buildings around the church to jump off of but non of them were tall enough to kill me, and they started chasing me so I ran down the street, like down south union towards mckinley. but you know how things in dreams start to seem surreal and I can remember trying to get away from them by jumping from rooftops on houses to garages and over fences, stuff like that cause I knew they'd catch me on the sidewalk. I found a church with a bunch of water and marble around it. Kinda buddist like, and there was this music and I felt like I could hide in one of the pools of water and listen to the music and be cleansed and saved or either drown myself in the water.
As I noticed that they got closer to me and found me at this church place in the water, I went under the water and held my breath, and I can remember being sorta half awake and actually holding my breath for real, because I could physically feel myself gasping for air even though I was asleep. I gave up on this and ended up on what seemed like 9th street. I kept trying to find cars to walk in front of and get hit and killed by but everyone swerved or were going to slow. I remember a real sensation of not really wanting to die, so it was kind of a half hearted effort to get hit by a car.
At this point they catch up with me or almost and I hear Kayla saying to stop chasing me, I'm just full of shit I'm not going to really kill myself. Acting like I'm just some sort of baby and I'm pathetic and everyone gave up. So I had a knife and I grabbed the knife and in the middle of the street I just started gouging cuts into my wrists, deep down to the bone, you could see the flesh and veins but not a whole lot of blood. I keeps slicing deep all sorts of different directions so I would bleed to death. I don't remember seeing much blood, but I do remember feeling like I was losing consciousness.
I remember paramedics showing up and thats about it, I woke up.
I had set a alarm on my phone for 9:45am (because weatherbug woke me up at 4am and the kitty kept bugging me and I didn't fall back asleep until 7:30, went to bed at about midnight so I knew I needed the extra sleep for the long drive I had to make today). Well, my phone said 9:42, so I closed my eyes thinking I'd just lay there for 3 mins until it went off. Well dumb me set the damn alarm for 9:45 PM instead of AM so it didn't go off and I slept for 10 more minutes. Here's the alternate ending.
I was running from them and I got away and ended up on the north side of des moines around where I used to live off of 6th and Franklin around the time I knew Bobby. He wasn't in the dream, just putting that there in case you don't remember the area. Somehow I acquired a needle or it's like I had one that I had saved or something, and decided that I was going to prostitute myself enough so I could get enough dope to put in this needle and kill myself. So I remember walking up to a bunch of guys like sitting in a yard and I'm telling them I'll suck their dicks for a 1/4 of crank. Well the guy couldn't get the crank, but he could give me money but he didn't want just a normal blow job so I got all slutty and said he could cum all over my face and that I'd suck the cum off him and blah blah...anyways without getting too graphic I was actually really good at it, and I got what I wanted.
A lot of nasty sexual shit happened in that 10 mins that seemed like a lot longer and I ended up at a gas station and I had a girl getting me my crank, a whole bunch of it. I remember getting the crank in my hand, and then my phone buzzed cause noah sent me a text message and it woke me up at 9:52.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Keith,
Lana loves you so much that she's full of honesty to help you. Honesty hurts. If it didn't there'd be no point in telling someone when they're wrong.
Where'd you go my love?
Lana loves you so much that she's full of honesty to help you. Honesty hurts. If it didn't there'd be no point in telling someone when they're wrong.
I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface
If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
Where'd you go my love?
He said he didn't read my blog, but he asked me about aspects about it tonight. Maybe he does read, I don't care.
This is like my diary and I don't want to hide anything from him.
I just can't wait for the concert with my sis and I. I promised her I'd be sober and I plan on keeping that promise.
Now what that means, I have no idea. I could be really emotional or really I don't know. But I made the promise and I intend to keep it.
This is like my diary and I don't want to hide anything from him.
I just can't wait for the concert with my sis and I. I promised her I'd be sober and I plan on keeping that promise.
Now what that means, I have no idea. I could be really emotional or really I don't know. But I made the promise and I intend to keep it.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Aug 23rd, 2000
1:53 am
Wow, that is all that I can say at this point. I feel, I know...but do I really know what I feel? Not even simple litte I knows that. I feel Bobby, and I don't even know if I really know that he is there, but I feel it. So much that it brings tears to my eyes. I feel guilty, I should go see him. I wanted him to feel me, I have been thinkin about it soooo much lately. Now I don't know what to say (so to speak). I want to hug him, I know he has been there and I have felt in soo close, but I didn't really know it was him..............
I know he has seen everything, that I did, what I was, what happened, the way that I was, and still am in someways...
What do I say after 3 years........I don't say anything, I just feel.
I have changed so much, in everyway. I want so much to be close to god, or whatever higher power that ties close to me. That deep string of energy that knows that I am there and wants to let me feel they are there. I want to feel more than this. Maybe in someways what I have felt before, but now what I want to feel more. More then that is which outside of, but yet within. Deep inside the soul of my own mind. The one that sat in scilence when Bobby was dyin in intestive care at Ia Lutheran, takin sleepin pills hoping the best but feelin the fate that she knew to be true in her heart. She is me........and I will talk about she now.
She is scared, and she doesn't know what to say half the time. She hated loss, in anyway, and would like to feel that there is more to the length that shes goes to.....and that she stretches to. She just wants to know if u felt her kiss you as u left her? Did you feel her cry to the stars as she wished so much to change u places? Such special energy as yours, why did it have to go like that? Almost makes me wonder what I did, am I the evil energy that drew it to u? Whatever took u away from your life? Atleast your life before me. I know I wasn't your life, and I don't know your life that much, but I still feel u. I wanted to feel more of u but I never got the chance, and don't know if that is destiny or whatever that is, but it hurts. I just want to say that I know u feel me and that I feel u and that I love u. I did whatever I did because at the time I didn't know what else to do. I guess I chose the path that I was on, but I didn't have anyone else tellin me that was wrong. No one ever told me this is how u deal with this or it is okay, and give me a hug. So I guess I dealt with things the way I could, and therefore I became strong (in some eyes). But not in my own, cause I really have felt sooooo weak. I just want to have someone hold me, set me free from this pain. Tell me that it is okay to feel this way, and that I should just let it out......that I don't need to hate myself anymore for being the way that I was.
Noah is up and my concenration left me........I don't want him to be mad at me. I know he has to get up early and I hate to be the one to wake him up cause my lazy ass doesn't even have a time that I have to be up.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I know I am confused, I even say that I am. But I knwo what I feel is true. And I usually go with what I feel. And sometimes what I feel confuses other people, but I still know what I feel. Then I wonder if that makes me crazy. Or was I always crazy, and that is why life and myself r the way the r.
@¿@---Lindsey Alaina---@¿@
Oct. 8th, 2000
Anger is the apostle that ravages the depths of my heart. I crave the anger and hate that is within, but all that is to be me. Is this my fate, that which is to devour all that i am and wish to be? Am I here just to fuck myself?
I feel that hate so consuming my all eternal soul. And yet i wait for it's passion to annialate me. To take me to all that is meant for my decrepid soul. I am corrupt...I am tainted....I am destined to this. I am ready. I have been ready to take all that is meant for me. The revenge, the payback; years of hate and anger and selfishness that I have set up for myself to achieve an all fatefull eternal end. The energy is that way, made to follow u and give you everything set in soul. I scream.......so ready, just wanting it NOW. Get it over with, take me...oh i was so ready so long ago. Only this is that i am too chicken shit to do it myself! I was ready for and explosion, a murder; gruesom and horribly painful. That is my fate, my death is passion and lust and ripping hatred of every drop of blood that drips from my sinful veins.
You think evil is that one thing that u do that makes you horrble or takes your subtle little life....NO......it is that thing that takes you in and makes u endure things that even u didn't know u could. You let it in and it sinks, and hovers. Becoming, growin within, moldin life and events to make that inner being scream for that death that only comes when u do it yourself. It bends u till you pray to break. I pray....I want...I need. What is there left for me here, is all i can ask. I know family, but what have they to gain from me? Nothing. All i do is hurt everyone. I don't even do anything to change that, and i have known that for a long time now. What the fuck is wrong with me, why can't i just fuckin die!!!!!!!!!
-----Linds
1:53 am
Wow, that is all that I can say at this point. I feel, I know...but do I really know what I feel? Not even simple litte I knows that. I feel Bobby, and I don't even know if I really know that he is there, but I feel it. So much that it brings tears to my eyes. I feel guilty, I should go see him. I wanted him to feel me, I have been thinkin about it soooo much lately. Now I don't know what to say (so to speak). I want to hug him, I know he has been there and I have felt in soo close, but I didn't really know it was him..............
I know he has seen everything, that I did, what I was, what happened, the way that I was, and still am in someways...
What do I say after 3 years........I don't say anything, I just feel.
I have changed so much, in everyway. I want so much to be close to god, or whatever higher power that ties close to me. That deep string of energy that knows that I am there and wants to let me feel they are there. I want to feel more than this. Maybe in someways what I have felt before, but now what I want to feel more. More then that is which outside of, but yet within. Deep inside the soul of my own mind. The one that sat in scilence when Bobby was dyin in intestive care at Ia Lutheran, takin sleepin pills hoping the best but feelin the fate that she knew to be true in her heart. She is me........and I will talk about she now.
She is scared, and she doesn't know what to say half the time. She hated loss, in anyway, and would like to feel that there is more to the length that shes goes to.....and that she stretches to. She just wants to know if u felt her kiss you as u left her? Did you feel her cry to the stars as she wished so much to change u places? Such special energy as yours, why did it have to go like that? Almost makes me wonder what I did, am I the evil energy that drew it to u? Whatever took u away from your life? Atleast your life before me. I know I wasn't your life, and I don't know your life that much, but I still feel u. I wanted to feel more of u but I never got the chance, and don't know if that is destiny or whatever that is, but it hurts. I just want to say that I know u feel me and that I feel u and that I love u. I did whatever I did because at the time I didn't know what else to do. I guess I chose the path that I was on, but I didn't have anyone else tellin me that was wrong. No one ever told me this is how u deal with this or it is okay, and give me a hug. So I guess I dealt with things the way I could, and therefore I became strong (in some eyes). But not in my own, cause I really have felt sooooo weak. I just want to have someone hold me, set me free from this pain. Tell me that it is okay to feel this way, and that I should just let it out......that I don't need to hate myself anymore for being the way that I was.
Noah is up and my concenration left me........I don't want him to be mad at me. I know he has to get up early and I hate to be the one to wake him up cause my lazy ass doesn't even have a time that I have to be up.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I know I am confused, I even say that I am. But I knwo what I feel is true. And I usually go with what I feel. And sometimes what I feel confuses other people, but I still know what I feel. Then I wonder if that makes me crazy. Or was I always crazy, and that is why life and myself r the way the r.
@¿@---Lindsey Alaina---@¿@
Oct. 8th, 2000
Anger is the apostle that ravages the depths of my heart. I crave the anger and hate that is within, but all that is to be me. Is this my fate, that which is to devour all that i am and wish to be? Am I here just to fuck myself?
I feel that hate so consuming my all eternal soul. And yet i wait for it's passion to annialate me. To take me to all that is meant for my decrepid soul. I am corrupt...I am tainted....I am destined to this. I am ready. I have been ready to take all that is meant for me. The revenge, the payback; years of hate and anger and selfishness that I have set up for myself to achieve an all fatefull eternal end. The energy is that way, made to follow u and give you everything set in soul. I scream.......so ready, just wanting it NOW. Get it over with, take me...oh i was so ready so long ago. Only this is that i am too chicken shit to do it myself! I was ready for and explosion, a murder; gruesom and horribly painful. That is my fate, my death is passion and lust and ripping hatred of every drop of blood that drips from my sinful veins.
You think evil is that one thing that u do that makes you horrble or takes your subtle little life....NO......it is that thing that takes you in and makes u endure things that even u didn't know u could. You let it in and it sinks, and hovers. Becoming, growin within, moldin life and events to make that inner being scream for that death that only comes when u do it yourself. It bends u till you pray to break. I pray....I want...I need. What is there left for me here, is all i can ask. I know family, but what have they to gain from me? Nothing. All i do is hurt everyone. I don't even do anything to change that, and i have known that for a long time now. What the fuck is wrong with me, why can't i just fuckin die!!!!!!!!!
-----Linds
6 days from now 8 years ago:
I was going to blog about world issues, but something else has come up. I got a call just a few mins ago that my step-dad fell out a tree 20feet off the ground. He's at the hospital right now, he dislocated his shoulder, broke his back, and broke some other things, but I didn't remember what else after they said that he broke his back. I got the call from Lisa, my brother's girlfriend. They are at the hospital with him right now. JR, my step-dad is 62 years old, anything at his age is bad, and I know that he will never been the same. I guess I'm just in shock right now. I'm sitting here wondering what I should do. Noah is waiting until he gets off work in about 45 mins, and then we are going to drop Mikayla off with his dad and head over to the hospital.
I told Lisa that I wanted to come down to the hospital right now, but she said to wait because they were thinking about transferring him to a hospital in Iowa City, about 3 hours away. They can do more for him there. I can only think that if they are wanting to transfer him to Iowa City, that it must be bad. I'm scared, I hope whatever is wrong is not life threatening. I could not imagine losing him. He was the only dad I ever had until I was 17, and even after that, I have been closer to him than anyone else in my family besides my sister, Lana.
He called me earlier today to ask where I wanted to put the fridge we were keeping in his garage, because he wanted to clean it out. It's hard to think that just after I talked to him, this happened. And I don't even really know what happened. When I talked to him on the phone, he told me that he was going to pick Shiela's boyfriend, Brian, up from work and Brian was going to help him clean out his garage.
He told me a few days ago that he had a bunch of branches from trimming trees that he wanted Shiela and Brian to help him load into his truck to haul off. I can only imagine that what happened was that when Brian got there today they decided to trim a few more branches and thats when the accident happened.
I can't help but be mad at Brian right now for letting a 62 year old man climb 20 feet up in a tree, plus I'm sure that both of them were drinking. But I know that JR is so stubborn that if he really wanted to do it, Brian wouldn't have stopped him anyways.
Update
Lisa just called me and told me that they decided to transfer him to another hospital in Des Moines. I'm sure it's because he has no insurance that they won't send him to Iowa City, or better worded, Iowa City won't take him without insurance. She told me that he can move his feet, but his stomach is getting bloated and they don't know why. I don't know exactly what bloated means, I guess it's taking on some form of liquid or something, or maybe swelling, I don't know.
I'm fumbling around the house trying to find my purse. My cigarettes are in my purse, and I can't find it. I hope Noah gets home soon, I want to get to the hospital to find out what is going on. I'm sure Lisa is holding out on me. She sounded scared on the phone. I want to get there so I know what is going on. I want to be there for him. I'm praying, I want to be there and pray for him. I want to be close to him.
I just hate the fact that this is running the same course as it did when Bobby died. I'll have to explain that one later, but basically I had a boyfriend when I was 16, he was 18, he got pneumonia really bad. He was at Broadlawns Hospital (where JR is at now) and they transferred him to Methodist Hospital (where they are going to transfer JR to). Bobby died a week later. This is too similar for me. I feel out of control, and scared. I wish I could find my cigarettes.
I was going to blog about world issues, but something else has come up. I got a call just a few mins ago that my step-dad fell out a tree 20feet off the ground. He's at the hospital right now, he dislocated his shoulder, broke his back, and broke some other things, but I didn't remember what else after they said that he broke his back. I got the call from Lisa, my brother's girlfriend. They are at the hospital with him right now. JR, my step-dad is 62 years old, anything at his age is bad, and I know that he will never been the same. I guess I'm just in shock right now. I'm sitting here wondering what I should do. Noah is waiting until he gets off work in about 45 mins, and then we are going to drop Mikayla off with his dad and head over to the hospital.
I told Lisa that I wanted to come down to the hospital right now, but she said to wait because they were thinking about transferring him to a hospital in Iowa City, about 3 hours away. They can do more for him there. I can only think that if they are wanting to transfer him to Iowa City, that it must be bad. I'm scared, I hope whatever is wrong is not life threatening. I could not imagine losing him. He was the only dad I ever had until I was 17, and even after that, I have been closer to him than anyone else in my family besides my sister, Lana.
He called me earlier today to ask where I wanted to put the fridge we were keeping in his garage, because he wanted to clean it out. It's hard to think that just after I talked to him, this happened. And I don't even really know what happened. When I talked to him on the phone, he told me that he was going to pick Shiela's boyfriend, Brian, up from work and Brian was going to help him clean out his garage.
He told me a few days ago that he had a bunch of branches from trimming trees that he wanted Shiela and Brian to help him load into his truck to haul off. I can only imagine that what happened was that when Brian got there today they decided to trim a few more branches and thats when the accident happened.
I can't help but be mad at Brian right now for letting a 62 year old man climb 20 feet up in a tree, plus I'm sure that both of them were drinking. But I know that JR is so stubborn that if he really wanted to do it, Brian wouldn't have stopped him anyways.
Update
Lisa just called me and told me that they decided to transfer him to another hospital in Des Moines. I'm sure it's because he has no insurance that they won't send him to Iowa City, or better worded, Iowa City won't take him without insurance. She told me that he can move his feet, but his stomach is getting bloated and they don't know why. I don't know exactly what bloated means, I guess it's taking on some form of liquid or something, or maybe swelling, I don't know.
I'm fumbling around the house trying to find my purse. My cigarettes are in my purse, and I can't find it. I hope Noah gets home soon, I want to get to the hospital to find out what is going on. I'm sure Lisa is holding out on me. She sounded scared on the phone. I want to get there so I know what is going on. I want to be there for him. I'm praying, I want to be there and pray for him. I want to be close to him.
I just hate the fact that this is running the same course as it did when Bobby died. I'll have to explain that one later, but basically I had a boyfriend when I was 16, he was 18, he got pneumonia really bad. He was at Broadlawns Hospital (where JR is at now) and they transferred him to Methodist Hospital (where they are going to transfer JR to). Bobby died a week later. This is too similar for me. I feel out of control, and scared. I wish I could find my cigarettes.
Saturday, October 09, 2010
I don't sleep anymore. I don't eat anymore. I ate a small piece of meat today, the only thing I've had to eat in 2 days. I'm not even that hungry. I feel like I'm dying inside.
I took 2 ambien and 2 librium hours ago, and layed down to no avail. What a waste.
The only thing keeping me alive at this point is 8 years old. I haven't drank for a few days so, no, this isn't a drunken post.
Noah called me at lunch today all chipper asking what I wanted to eat. I told him don't even bother coming home. He said "ok" and hung up. We've barely talked for days and when we do it's always the same thing. Him saying he's not mad at me, and me just shaking my head. He doesn't get it at all. I don't think anyone does.
I'm supposed to go with Noah to stain the rest of his mom's deck tomorrow. I feel like staying around here and doing all the things I've asked him to do for months and working until my body gives out. Noah brought up doing the deck, and I made a comment saying I didn't want to do it (not that I WON'T), just that I didn't want to, and he got all pissy saying "fine, I'll just do it". Whatever. I wasn't even going to argue about it.
I feel like I'm failing at everything. Tried to do a fundraiser to help my dad who just had quadruple bypass open heart surgery, and they've had to sell off a car and take out his 401k to survive. I've gotten nothing from all the work I've put into it.
My half-sister is pregnant and wanted to do a baby "sprinkle" (why the fuck they don't just call it a shower I have no idea), but they couldn't afford to do it. So I offered to print and mail the invitations, pay for the cake, and even a gift card for a drawing if you bring diapers. I bought the blank cards and made up the graphics for each of the sides, and emailed them to her days ago. Haven't heard a word. I even called and she didn't answer and I left a message with no return. I guess they're just not special enough for her, she likes all that high dollar go and buy specialty made cards with ribbons and shit. Whatever...I quit.
I even printed out pictures of photos I took cause I like to think me and my little po-dunk digital camera makes me a photographer. Put them in frames on the wall. I want to take them down. They just mock me. I'm no photographer, I'm a failure. I'm a fake. I'm nothing.
I took 2 ambien and 2 librium hours ago, and layed down to no avail. What a waste.
The only thing keeping me alive at this point is 8 years old. I haven't drank for a few days so, no, this isn't a drunken post.
Noah called me at lunch today all chipper asking what I wanted to eat. I told him don't even bother coming home. He said "ok" and hung up. We've barely talked for days and when we do it's always the same thing. Him saying he's not mad at me, and me just shaking my head. He doesn't get it at all. I don't think anyone does.
I'm supposed to go with Noah to stain the rest of his mom's deck tomorrow. I feel like staying around here and doing all the things I've asked him to do for months and working until my body gives out. Noah brought up doing the deck, and I made a comment saying I didn't want to do it (not that I WON'T), just that I didn't want to, and he got all pissy saying "fine, I'll just do it". Whatever. I wasn't even going to argue about it.
I feel like I'm failing at everything. Tried to do a fundraiser to help my dad who just had quadruple bypass open heart surgery, and they've had to sell off a car and take out his 401k to survive. I've gotten nothing from all the work I've put into it.
My half-sister is pregnant and wanted to do a baby "sprinkle" (why the fuck they don't just call it a shower I have no idea), but they couldn't afford to do it. So I offered to print and mail the invitations, pay for the cake, and even a gift card for a drawing if you bring diapers. I bought the blank cards and made up the graphics for each of the sides, and emailed them to her days ago. Haven't heard a word. I even called and she didn't answer and I left a message with no return. I guess they're just not special enough for her, she likes all that high dollar go and buy specialty made cards with ribbons and shit. Whatever...I quit.
I even printed out pictures of photos I took cause I like to think me and my little po-dunk digital camera makes me a photographer. Put them in frames on the wall. I want to take them down. They just mock me. I'm no photographer, I'm a failure. I'm a fake. I'm nothing.
Friday, October 08, 2010
I can't sleep. No big surprise there. Still feeling dull and unhappy. Noah has a friend who all he does is smoke pot and is planning on coming over tomorrow night. I really don't want any visitors but I'm sure he'll have a wonderful time doing his favorite thing. Maybe I'll just take the laptop into my bedroom and be a hermit. I can't drink because we have to finish staining my mother-in-law's porch on Saturday and if I drink that won't happen.
I need to get a hold of my sponsor or something. I can't keep living this way. I don't even feel like I know what happiness is anymore. I keep the house clean (with Miki's help, she gets paid). I try my best to do all that I need to do but it never seems like enough.
I laid in bed and all I could think about was leaving Noah, as if that would make anything easier. Just stupid thoughts keeping me awake, searching for some way out. I always run, that's what I do best. That's why I drink.
How do I quit drinking? How do I get him to understand that he can't smoke if he expects me to quit. I have a sister who thinks that's completely selfish of me, but come on...a drunk is gonna find any excuse and him still being able to smoke is a perfect one. The only friends we seem to have at this point are pot heads and drinkers. I don't know how I'm ever gonna make it through getting sober.
Sometimes I just feel like giving up, completely. Like this life, which is worth absolutely nothing in the end. We die anyways and we're gone. Why go through it if this is how it feels? Why waste my time feeling this way?
I need to get a hold of my sponsor or something. I can't keep living this way. I don't even feel like I know what happiness is anymore. I keep the house clean (with Miki's help, she gets paid). I try my best to do all that I need to do but it never seems like enough.
I laid in bed and all I could think about was leaving Noah, as if that would make anything easier. Just stupid thoughts keeping me awake, searching for some way out. I always run, that's what I do best. That's why I drink.
How do I quit drinking? How do I get him to understand that he can't smoke if he expects me to quit. I have a sister who thinks that's completely selfish of me, but come on...a drunk is gonna find any excuse and him still being able to smoke is a perfect one. The only friends we seem to have at this point are pot heads and drinkers. I don't know how I'm ever gonna make it through getting sober.
Sometimes I just feel like giving up, completely. Like this life, which is worth absolutely nothing in the end. We die anyways and we're gone. Why go through it if this is how it feels? Why waste my time feeling this way?
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