I kicked Cody out. We all got drunk and I tried to stay out of if by hanging with Noah and a friend in the kitchen. After my friend left things seemed to calm down. So we all sat back in the livingroom.

Didn't take long for Cody to go off on something, the two basic I remember is people thinkin he's a piece of shit and it being Kayla's fault she hasn't paid off his fines yet.

Boy did I open up a can of worms with that trying to get him jobs to pay off his fines and then turning around and handing him the cash telling him to do it himself.

She says he didn't a give a shit about it before. I dunno.

All I know is he flipped out, got in her face a lot, and I told him to get out of her face. He stepped back and acted like he was gonna go outside or leave. He comes back in saying "I'm gonna kick her ass". Well, being me, I stand in front of him and say "no". He shoved my as down on the floor, IN MY OWN HOUSE WHEN I TOLD HIM BEFORE THAT, "This violent shit doesn't happen here".

All I really remember cause moments like that happen so fast, is that after he threw me to the ground, I turned around fast and grabbed his leg and tried to take his knee out to take him down, to keep him away from hurting her. Stupid move on my part, he could have easily kicked me in the face.

Anyways, he didn't get to her. The second I was on my feet I told him to get the fuck out of my house. No one will ever hurt me or throw me down in my own house.

Looks like Kayla and the girls (because Cody's not welcome here) will be moving Oct. 1. Cody is gonna pay the $99 first month's rent, so obviously he will move in with her there. Fuck it, none of my business. Just keep that shit out of my house.

I got all the little retarded checks together Kayla signed over to me today, both under $10, plus my little Staples rewards checks both under $5, gave myself 2 hours of payroll from the biz (even though I deserve more then that), and stopped by the liquor store to pick up my one day check for working which was about $33. I deposited all that and also cashed the $100 check my mother in law gave me for Cody working. I took the $100 and handed it to Kayla and said, "ya know, I'm sick of hearing people telline me I'm a control freak, so here ya go". She took it and said nothing.

Cody tried to follow me up the stairs and give me the $100 and said "this isn't you being a control freak, this is you helping out a friend." I told him "give it to your wife then" and walked the rest of the way up the stairs. I'm done. I can't control his life or make it any better, thats his decision. I've had enough people tell me lately that I'm a control freak that I just give up.

I got a bag cooler, filled it with ice and a pint of whiskey and sprite and decided to just be alone in my room. Of course noah wouldn't let me be alone, he sat next to me on the bed screwing with his laptop so I worked on something for a fundraiser we're trying to hold.

When we dropped Miki off at volleyball practice for an hr, he wanted to ride along and talk. There wasn't much talking (this was after I went to the bank an made up my mind and he just wanted to know what was going on in my head). I stopped at the dollar store and got some things that we seem to be going through like they're nothing because no one watches the little one and she way over uses things thinking she's trying to help do chores.

Again, I'm not going to control things....I'll just buy them. We'll see how long it takes for this house to fall down.

I'M DONE.

Noah had the audacity to tell me that maybe I would become more happy not controlling things, and instead of being pissed like I've been all day, I should smile.

Okay motherfucker. Then YOU do it. We'll see where this train ends.

I told him as politely as I could, well, if it ends up being a good thing and I realize it helps me, then I'll smile. But I'm not fucking smiling about it now.



EDIT: And just as an fyi, last night when we ran of beer (I don't buy as much because I know Cody will drink it and I'm just paying for him even more), I had a small bottle of whiskey I stuck in the freezer. When we ran out I went to look for the bottle (Cody won't drink hard liquor, thats why I bought it), and it wasn't where I put it. I knew immediately that Noah moved it. So I went upstairs to ask him where he put it, and he told me where and said that he did it because he wanted to hang out with me and he knew that I'd come asking for it and then he'd tell me he wanted to be with me. Can someone please tell me, for one, why my husband doesn't have the balls to say he wants to hang with just me instead of hiding my whiskey? And for two, why when I come and hang with him all I get is ragged on for trying to defend my actions as a "control freak"?
Not to mention the fact that when I came upstairs to ask Noah about the whiskey, Cody drove drunk to the store to buy more beer, knowing full and well that I was trying to get him jobs to pay off the fines he got for driving drunk.

I'm going to do my own thing, I'm not going to control a god damn thing but what I do for myself, and everyone else can deal with it. They can know what it feels like trying to control someone who doesn't listen or care. You can call it a bender, a roll, whatever...but I'm done and I'm gone. Kayla starts work on Thurs and I already told Noah that you better get up at 7am to get the kids woken up for school. They take care of themselves once they're woken up. The youngest can destroy the house or her dad can give a shit about her. I can't do this anymore.

Is getting told you're being a control freak because you were trying to help someone find and a job and direct their money towards their fines (which with working can be paid off pretty quick) worth just saying fuck it and saying goodbye over?

I got bitched out by my sister, told I was treating him like a piece of shit from my husband (who I went to bed with when he wanted me to btw)- yeah, he got pissed off at me and turned over and stopped talking when he accuses me of never talking.

I'm sick and fucking tired of always feeling wrong.





I try to do what is expected of me, and I'm still wrong.So whatever.

I'm still not sleeping. I got stuff done, but I'm still not asleep at 7:20am. I can't keep living this way.

So I slept until 2:45pm today and Kayla came in to wake me up and remind me that I have to watch my nephews at 3:30. Appreciate it Kayla, cause I wouldn't have gotten up, not with the amount of pills I did take last night.

See, Noah hides my pill bottles, but I do have a weeks worth in a pill container, so I can if I want to take way more them I'm supposed to. It's so fucking childish that I have to have someone watch over me like that. I'm just absolutely pathetic.

He never came to bed so I took another pill. I walked down to see what was going on and get another beer and they just left him there, in the middle of the couch with his head snoozing on his chest.

I took off his boots. Put pillows under his head. And handed him my phone telling him he has the only alarm that is going to wake the kids up..

Of course I set an alarm on the clock in my room, but I doubt I'll hear it now. I think I'm pretty close to giving up.



If I'm not sleeping by 4, I'm taking another pill. I'll play chicken with life because no one in it obviously gives a shit about me when I really need them to.

Of course I will live on...I always do. I took 12 of these fuckers and didn't feel good for a few days but didn't die. I'm just so god damned alone. This building is crashing down.

I got beer tonight. Haven't slept since 1am yesterday and it's 1:42am today. He decides to chew into me for drinking WHILE HE'S DRINKING WITH ME. He even tried to accuse my drinking of causing him to have bad hangovers at work because he didn't want to go to bed without me, and made me feel like my disease wasn't the same as his.

Guess who's in bed right now? ME. He's downstairs hanging with Cody and Kayla. Is it still my fault for getting the beer that kept him up? Am I really the only alcoholic here? According to him I am.

I'm so sick and tired of fighting and feeling alone in this fight. I cried...I cried soo much because of the things he was saying to me. Do I want to get better, fuckin hell yeah. If it was that easy the brewing and distilleries would be out of business.

He wants me to pay attention to him. Thats all I do is pay attention to him. What does he want, what does he need, how can I help him. And all I get is I'm a piece of shit because he has work to do tomorrow and he isnt' adult enough to say he's going to bed knowing I'm a full blown alcoholic?

And here I am. In bed alone. It's all my fault he'll feel like shit tomorrow.

So I just got done with an online AA meeting. I whined and blabbered about how lost I am and I just keep screaming in my head "how much do you really want this?!" and got a wonderful response from someone saying "well obviously not enough". Thanks for that mr anonymous asshole.

There's another online meeting in 15mins, not sure if I even want to bother with it. My dumb ass took on some more hours at the liquor store so that's sure to help my sobriety. Said she was gonna give me atleast one day/night a week through October. If I tell anyone in AA all I'm gonna get is a "quit, don't do it". Well duh, but I need the money now and this job is already established, I don't have to fill out an app and wait and interview and blah blah. We need the money now trying to take care of 2 fucking families and it's not going to do shit for my sobriety, so whatever.

I'm damn lost and don't know what to do. Drank last night, told Cody I'd help him look for jobs online today but slept until 3 so that didn't happen. Kayla got her job, so yay for her but who knows when she starts plus she said their vehicle has been running weird so if it breaks, they've got no money to fix it. I can't very well give them anymore, we've done enough and it's been hard enough having them stay here.

I just feel like a piece of shit stuck between a rock and a hard place. Cody is pissed, I'm not sure if it's because I didn't help him today or that Kayla got a job and he didn't or both or something else, but I'm sooo fucking tired of his whiny ass attitude. Hey dude, I didn't get you to get a DUI so you could lose your license and then caught again driving without a license creating over $700 in fines for you to pay back before you can get a license again, and I sure as hell ain't gonna pay it.

I dunno. Whatever. Fuck it.

Cody and Kayla and the kids are living with us. They've been here for a little over 2 weeks now. Since they've been here I attempted AA for a week and did good until day 7 and haven't been back since. The 2nd night after Cody and Kayla arrived, we celebrated having our business in the parade and I got so fucked up that I beat the shit out of myself falling down. I think I permanently busted the shoulder that has had the most recent surgery and was working just find. It's slipping out of place again now and there was a big bruise on my arm and yellow all around the scar. Ya Me. After that was when my failed week of AA started and obviously didn't last long.

It's not easy having an extra family of 5 in the house, but I think somehow we're learning how to deal with each other. I don't know how to not drink with them here, I have no idea what to do about AA, I feel really pretty lost right now. Was feeling good for a while but spent the last two days in bed cause Sat night I got so drunk again I fell and busted my lip open and Cody watched me, so that was nicely embarrassing.

I hate myself and don't know how or if I will ever change. I have a whole list of phone numbers from people in AA but I have no fucking idea what to say to these people. All they're going to tell me is if I want it bad enough I won't drink. Duh. And then there's that 'higher power' part that says I have to give my will over to and I don't who the fuck my higher power is or how to 'give over my will' to anything.

I'm picking up some hours at the liquor store since they had someone quit on them. We need the money but that sure isn't gonna do squat for my not drinking. I need to watch my nephews more cause I get paid for that, but I just feel so overwhelmed and stressed I never take em. However there will be about a month worth of Friday's starting the 17th where I will be watching them for a couple of hours to help out my brother in law. I guess that's something.

I feel lost, scare, tired, and alone. And it really fucking sucks.

So I'm drinking. Big surprise there.

My dad had quadruple bypass heart surgery on Wed, and I've kind of been in total go go go freak out mode since. I left Wed night after I found out everything went great because I didn't want to go in the room and see him hooked up to all those tubes. Not to mention the whole thing completely freaked me out and instead of "fight" I screamed "flight".

I grabbed a bottle of whiskey on the ride home (I didn't drive, I'm not THAT stupid). Mixed it with a cup of pepsi and drank is slowly through the 2 and a half hour journey home.

Once I arrived home....of course I kept on drinkin the bottle of whiskey, but at least I spent that dumb drunk ass time creating audio CD's that no one has of the music my dad used to sing. In his teens, was in a couple of bands. He's a great singer. Most of the songs on the CD are from when he went to Nashville to do a "sound test" or whatever and have him sing all these different songs, which he sang AWESOMELY!

You can here all the songs here:
http://www.realrepublic.com/userfiles/lindseyd/mydad/

I even used Light scribe printing on the label side of the CD's. I think people will really appreciate this. And I did it drunk ass whiskey fucked and supposed to be sober.

Go figure. I wouldn't have done it otherwise, and that I'm pretty sure of. It's not a reason to get a bottle of whiskey, it just IS WHAT IT IS.

Anyways, so I leave tomorrow to go back to my dad's house and help him and the rest of the family take care of him. I'm planning on staying all week, until next Friday. The trip alone freaks me out a bit because my relationship with that side of my family has been so WEIRD and on and off for years since I met my dad when I was 17yrs old.

Not to mention that every time I've spend the night or the weekend out there, both him and I would drink like fish, him rum and pepsi, me beer (and when my beer ran out he was most happy to offer me some rum).

HE'S JUST HAD MAJOR HEART SURGERY. HE CAN NOT DRINK. EVERYTIME I'VE SPENT TIME OUT THERE WE'VE DRANK.

I'm coming right out with it....I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with all of this without drinking, when that HABIT has become so ingrained in our whole relationship.

Either way, I've talked to my step sister about AA meetings and such, of which I still need to figure out when and where, but whatever. She probably thinks I'm full of shit about going, and maybe I am but I need some sort of support structure and that's the only one I can think of.

I pray to whatever God there is out there that he doesn't try and have a drink. That part I so dont' want to play (not giving it to him, cause I won't! just having to tell him no).

So I'll be there all week until Friday, come home Friday sometime and get ready for the parade our business is in on Saturday. Got most of the candy and flyers figured out (I'm taking flyers with me to cut up to give me something to keep me busy during down time). We don't know who all are gonna be here to walk and hand out flyers, we don't know who's throwing candy. We just pray this whole fucking thing works out.

Sunday I have to take my daughter school shopping for some clothes because she starts back to school on Monday.

Yes. I'm drinking a beer. I want to be sober. I'm stressed out of my fucking mind and I don't know how to deal with it.

So I'm drinking a beer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbHfgXJ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-qEd9eatO8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T90rkdqfIFs&feature=related

Just realized that today is Friday the 13th. This outta be an interesting day.

My head hurts.

Not because I'm hungover, although I was earlier today but I slept all day so I'm not feeling so bad in that regard at this point.

No, my head hurts because I stayed up all night last night drinking almost a full case of beer, and around 5am I ran out of beer. So, having no beer my infinite wisdom decided it best to go downstairs and get some ambien and librium that the doc prescribed to me as a means to help me STOP drinking.

The stairs were fine, my balance no so much and as hard as I tried to keep a slow steady pace, my legs went about 90mph down each step until I slammed face first into the wall. My forehead is scraped and hurts, was surprised it wasn't bleeding. My nose ring however was not so lucky and it did bleed. My glasses thankfully did not break but the white paint off the wall is streaked all across the top of plastic frame on one side, as if getting side swiped by a car.

After taking two of each of those pills, I managed somehow to get back up the stairs and for whatever reason drunk texted a friend (who I knew was getting up for work and just wanted to wish them a good day, happy sunshine blah blah blah). They call me back and of course I can't talk straight, I sound like a complete jackass, they laugh at me yet tell me they love me and let me go.

I suddenly realize that I have a daughter that I need to take care of all day and, ooops, mom is totally not going to be awake for a LONG time. So I text my sister, which I've never done before and never want to do again and ask her for her help. I admit everything that I have done. She asks me how many pills I took and I told her "no, I don't have a death wish, but there's no way I'm going to be able to take care of Miki." Of course the text looked nothing like what I just typed because I'm having to hold the phone close and far away from my face as I type, closing one eye and doing whatever it takes to even concentrate on where the letters are. I'm surprised I even made enough sense for her to know what was going on.

Noah dropped Miki off at Lana's on his way to work and of course I slept all day. I didn't even come conscious until around 3pm, long enough to go to the bathroom and right back in bed until around 10pm. Noah tried to wake me to eat dinner but I refused and have had nothing to eat since noon the day before. I'm not even really hungry. I hate myself so much right now that if I had the balls I'd just take all the pills I have and end the retardation that is me.

With all the flooding that has been going on, Lana has had to take time off work and I promised her that I would watch the boys for her so she could stay late and make up her time. How is she to trust me to do this if I'm such an insane drunk?

She knows I've been trying to quit. I did online AA meetings for about 6 days in a row, couple of days I did 2 a day. Those helped I suppose but half the time I was lost of these themes like "The 3rd Tradition" and "Attitude of Gratitude". I don't feel very fucking grateful, so what the hell was I supposed to say there? And they keep talking about working steps with a sponsor but I have to go to a face to face meeting to get one of those. I don't even know how to get a sponsor and my anxiety about going is so high that I think I just might jump off a bridge rather then go.

The last time I was to a face to face AA meeting I got a temporary sponsor, and she was more like a reformed crack addict then anything. Talked 100mph, didn't understand half of what she said and she made wise cracks about "oh, so you're one of those analyzer types". She was going to ISU to get a degree in psychology so I suppose she felt the need to take her new knowledge out on me. Went to a stupid AA party with her (talking my husband along like the freaked out dork that I am, which I'm sure made me look even more pathetic), and while I was there someone asked me "going a little fast don't ya think?" Wha? Why would they ask me that. I don't even know what pace I'm supposed to be going. Isn't this the shit I'm supposed to be doing to stay sober?

So I quit going and my temporary sponsor turned into a full time phone stalker leaving me messages because I wouldn't call her back. What the fuck did she expect me to say? Sorry, I don't really like you, leave me alone (which is what I wanted to say).

I don't even get the whole sponsor thing anyways. Most of the time I don't even call my friends or my family when I need help, how in the hell do they honestly thing I'm gonna pick up the phone to call someone I barely know and say "oh, I feel like I want to drink", to which they will respond, "no, do not drink." Yeah, that sounds useful. For all thats worth I could prink a sign and put it on my wall that reads "don't drink stupid it makes you do retarded things like pawn your kid off on your sister and smash your face into the wall".

How do I pick myself back up from something like this? I know Noah loves me but he's upstairs snoring away. Guess he's probably just tired of it all and I don't blame him. I'm such a waste. I wish someone would come and save me but who? No one gives a shit anymore they're just tired of mine.

All my friends are drinkers or pot smokers. Noah won't admit that he has a problem too cause when I said "go down and get a case of beer" I didn't hear any hesitation in his voice, he wanted to drink too! The six days I was sober he got all clammed up and asshold-ish because he wanted to drink and smoke, and he's probably mad at me because my problem interferes with his ability to have a beer. No, he doesn't drink like I do. He can have a six pack and be fine. In fact he'd much rather smoke then anything, and if I'm trying to be sober I don't want that around me because it's just another excuse for me to drink.

When I was on the phone with my sunshiny drunk wake-up text friend, I offered for them to come over on Saturday for lasagna night. I can't hang out with people without drinking, I'm tired of making plans and breaking them (as I'm sure my friends are sick of this whole 'Lindsey's trying to get sober again) thing. So I feel screwed.

I even texted my sister over in Omaha cause she's been wanting us to come hang out and party saying that we'd come the weekend of my bday in Sept, but then later in the day when she texted back I had to admit to her to we need to hold off on that cause I was thinking of putting myself into treatment.

Treatment I can't even do because I have a daughter to take care of and no money to afford anyone else to watch her. Not to mention the business is picking up and Noah needs me here to help him.

I just feel so fucked right now. I'm in a hole I have no idea of how to get out of. Everyone is sick of my bullshit, I'm sick of my insanity, and I don't know what to do.

I keep trying, but the 6th day itch is what I have to be honest about

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59dY8FDbn6s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MsjwVNDnzQ&feature=related

I don't know if I hate myself because I don't want to be honest with myself or if I'm guilty for what I want to do.

I'm supposed to be making a list of things to do. Actually I'm supposed to be making a lot of lists. Here is a list of lists:

Things to clean
Reasons to be sober
Reasons why not to drink
Lists of things to make lists of in the future so I can continue to sit on my ass

I'm never going to get anything done.

I feel like I'm losing grips on what I really set out to do in the first place. I think I had goals but they all hovered around just stopping drinking, and even that I'm not doing so well with. Not only have I failed to clearly define what I've been wanting to accomplish, but I don't think I've seriously anticipated how hard it's going to be to achieve. I'm garnering more respect for that whole saying that the "quitting drinking is the easy part."

My head is killing me. I've spent the last 3 days mostly in bed. Saturday really sucked. It was the going away party for Cody and Kayla and, of course, Cody had it in his head that we were gonna screw. 'Go me' for being the idiot to bring it up. I really have no idea why I brought it up again. Everything was already laid out that Noah and I weren't going to do that. It was cool that they had that type of open relationship but it was obvious it didn't work for us. Noah feels guilty about what he did with Kayla so if I wanted to push the issue with screwing Cody, I'm sure I'd get away with it, but I'd kill myself over the guilt. I knew all that yet I still got drunk and dragged things back outta the dirt.

So Saturday rolls around and Cody gets Noah alone to, well, I guess get some sort of okay to do his wife. Noah says the exact wrong thing, and Cody bombards me with this "Noah said you were having reservations and felt like you're playing mind games". Uhhh, well I wouldn't have said it THAT WAY. Fucking pissed me off and I felt like I was trapped against a wall. Had I at least had more then one beer I probably would have dealt with it better but I got pissed and walked away saying "I'm not gonna talk about this right now." Cody never knows when to leave things alone so he wouldn't leave me be, he just kept on making me feel smaller and smaller cause he "just wanted to make sure we were cool". I was fucking cool just walking into this party, I had it all worked out in my head what I was going to say when the time was right. I HAD control until I got clobbered with 'the men are going to make everything okay because I'm just a measly little woman who doesn't know how to say what she REALLY wants or doesn't want for that matter', and now I had no control what-so-ever and felt like a complete pathetic jackass.

So I spent the next hour slamming beers just to slam them, because I didn't want to think about how small and insecure I felt. I sure and fuck didn't want to mingle with anyone, and I know it showed cause Kayla kept coming up to me asking if I was okay. GOD DAMMIT! I would have been fucking fine had I just said what I wanted to say the way I wanted to say it WHEN I wanted to say it.

I wasn't going to fuck him. I just didn't want anyone else making that decision for me. I opened up the stupid fucking box and I wanted to close it.

So it all went wrong, I felt out of control, and didn't feel like I had the power then to tell Cody off when he did his "well, I at least want one last kiss". And of course I feel obligated to give him that because I'm the pathetic little jackass that had her husband tell him that "she's just confused and doesn't want to tell you because she doesn't want to feel like she's playing mind games." Nooooo, I just wasn't going to enter the party and immediately walk up to him and explain to him that I fucked up bringing stuff up the other night. Oh, and one my ass. He kept on kissing me throughout the night in front of everyone which in turn made me feel like a gigantic whore.

So I spent three days in bed hating myself feeling like a worthless piece of shit who will never change and there is no hope for me. Woke Monday morning having a full blown panic attack, that was great. I don't know what to do with me. Some days I wish I just wasn't me. If we're all gonna die and everything is meaningless in the end anyways, I'm not quite sure why I keep doing this.