http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbHfgXJ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-qEd9eatO8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T90rkdqfIFs&feature=related

Just realized that today is Friday the 13th. This outta be an interesting day.

My head hurts.

Not because I'm hungover, although I was earlier today but I slept all day so I'm not feeling so bad in that regard at this point.

No, my head hurts because I stayed up all night last night drinking almost a full case of beer, and around 5am I ran out of beer. So, having no beer my infinite wisdom decided it best to go downstairs and get some ambien and librium that the doc prescribed to me as a means to help me STOP drinking.

The stairs were fine, my balance no so much and as hard as I tried to keep a slow steady pace, my legs went about 90mph down each step until I slammed face first into the wall. My forehead is scraped and hurts, was surprised it wasn't bleeding. My nose ring however was not so lucky and it did bleed. My glasses thankfully did not break but the white paint off the wall is streaked all across the top of plastic frame on one side, as if getting side swiped by a car.

After taking two of each of those pills, I managed somehow to get back up the stairs and for whatever reason drunk texted a friend (who I knew was getting up for work and just wanted to wish them a good day, happy sunshine blah blah blah). They call me back and of course I can't talk straight, I sound like a complete jackass, they laugh at me yet tell me they love me and let me go.

I suddenly realize that I have a daughter that I need to take care of all day and, ooops, mom is totally not going to be awake for a LONG time. So I text my sister, which I've never done before and never want to do again and ask her for her help. I admit everything that I have done. She asks me how many pills I took and I told her "no, I don't have a death wish, but there's no way I'm going to be able to take care of Miki." Of course the text looked nothing like what I just typed because I'm having to hold the phone close and far away from my face as I type, closing one eye and doing whatever it takes to even concentrate on where the letters are. I'm surprised I even made enough sense for her to know what was going on.

Noah dropped Miki off at Lana's on his way to work and of course I slept all day. I didn't even come conscious until around 3pm, long enough to go to the bathroom and right back in bed until around 10pm. Noah tried to wake me to eat dinner but I refused and have had nothing to eat since noon the day before. I'm not even really hungry. I hate myself so much right now that if I had the balls I'd just take all the pills I have and end the retardation that is me.

With all the flooding that has been going on, Lana has had to take time off work and I promised her that I would watch the boys for her so she could stay late and make up her time. How is she to trust me to do this if I'm such an insane drunk?

She knows I've been trying to quit. I did online AA meetings for about 6 days in a row, couple of days I did 2 a day. Those helped I suppose but half the time I was lost of these themes like "The 3rd Tradition" and "Attitude of Gratitude". I don't feel very fucking grateful, so what the hell was I supposed to say there? And they keep talking about working steps with a sponsor but I have to go to a face to face meeting to get one of those. I don't even know how to get a sponsor and my anxiety about going is so high that I think I just might jump off a bridge rather then go.

The last time I was to a face to face AA meeting I got a temporary sponsor, and she was more like a reformed crack addict then anything. Talked 100mph, didn't understand half of what she said and she made wise cracks about "oh, so you're one of those analyzer types". She was going to ISU to get a degree in psychology so I suppose she felt the need to take her new knowledge out on me. Went to a stupid AA party with her (talking my husband along like the freaked out dork that I am, which I'm sure made me look even more pathetic), and while I was there someone asked me "going a little fast don't ya think?" Wha? Why would they ask me that. I don't even know what pace I'm supposed to be going. Isn't this the shit I'm supposed to be doing to stay sober?

So I quit going and my temporary sponsor turned into a full time phone stalker leaving me messages because I wouldn't call her back. What the fuck did she expect me to say? Sorry, I don't really like you, leave me alone (which is what I wanted to say).

I don't even get the whole sponsor thing anyways. Most of the time I don't even call my friends or my family when I need help, how in the hell do they honestly thing I'm gonna pick up the phone to call someone I barely know and say "oh, I feel like I want to drink", to which they will respond, "no, do not drink." Yeah, that sounds useful. For all thats worth I could prink a sign and put it on my wall that reads "don't drink stupid it makes you do retarded things like pawn your kid off on your sister and smash your face into the wall".

How do I pick myself back up from something like this? I know Noah loves me but he's upstairs snoring away. Guess he's probably just tired of it all and I don't blame him. I'm such a waste. I wish someone would come and save me but who? No one gives a shit anymore they're just tired of mine.

All my friends are drinkers or pot smokers. Noah won't admit that he has a problem too cause when I said "go down and get a case of beer" I didn't hear any hesitation in his voice, he wanted to drink too! The six days I was sober he got all clammed up and asshold-ish because he wanted to drink and smoke, and he's probably mad at me because my problem interferes with his ability to have a beer. No, he doesn't drink like I do. He can have a six pack and be fine. In fact he'd much rather smoke then anything, and if I'm trying to be sober I don't want that around me because it's just another excuse for me to drink.

When I was on the phone with my sunshiny drunk wake-up text friend, I offered for them to come over on Saturday for lasagna night. I can't hang out with people without drinking, I'm tired of making plans and breaking them (as I'm sure my friends are sick of this whole 'Lindsey's trying to get sober again) thing. So I feel screwed.

I even texted my sister over in Omaha cause she's been wanting us to come hang out and party saying that we'd come the weekend of my bday in Sept, but then later in the day when she texted back I had to admit to her to we need to hold off on that cause I was thinking of putting myself into treatment.

Treatment I can't even do because I have a daughter to take care of and no money to afford anyone else to watch her. Not to mention the business is picking up and Noah needs me here to help him.

I just feel so fucked right now. I'm in a hole I have no idea of how to get out of. Everyone is sick of my bullshit, I'm sick of my insanity, and I don't know what to do.

I keep trying, but the 6th day itch is what I have to be honest about

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59dY8FDbn6s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MsjwVNDnzQ&feature=related

I don't know if I hate myself because I don't want to be honest with myself or if I'm guilty for what I want to do.

I'm supposed to be making a list of things to do. Actually I'm supposed to be making a lot of lists. Here is a list of lists:

Things to clean
Reasons to be sober
Reasons why not to drink
Lists of things to make lists of in the future so I can continue to sit on my ass

I'm never going to get anything done.

I feel like I'm losing grips on what I really set out to do in the first place. I think I had goals but they all hovered around just stopping drinking, and even that I'm not doing so well with. Not only have I failed to clearly define what I've been wanting to accomplish, but I don't think I've seriously anticipated how hard it's going to be to achieve. I'm garnering more respect for that whole saying that the "quitting drinking is the easy part."

My head is killing me. I've spent the last 3 days mostly in bed. Saturday really sucked. It was the going away party for Cody and Kayla and, of course, Cody had it in his head that we were gonna screw. 'Go me' for being the idiot to bring it up. I really have no idea why I brought it up again. Everything was already laid out that Noah and I weren't going to do that. It was cool that they had that type of open relationship but it was obvious it didn't work for us. Noah feels guilty about what he did with Kayla so if I wanted to push the issue with screwing Cody, I'm sure I'd get away with it, but I'd kill myself over the guilt. I knew all that yet I still got drunk and dragged things back outta the dirt.

So Saturday rolls around and Cody gets Noah alone to, well, I guess get some sort of okay to do his wife. Noah says the exact wrong thing, and Cody bombards me with this "Noah said you were having reservations and felt like you're playing mind games". Uhhh, well I wouldn't have said it THAT WAY. Fucking pissed me off and I felt like I was trapped against a wall. Had I at least had more then one beer I probably would have dealt with it better but I got pissed and walked away saying "I'm not gonna talk about this right now." Cody never knows when to leave things alone so he wouldn't leave me be, he just kept on making me feel smaller and smaller cause he "just wanted to make sure we were cool". I was fucking cool just walking into this party, I had it all worked out in my head what I was going to say when the time was right. I HAD control until I got clobbered with 'the men are going to make everything okay because I'm just a measly little woman who doesn't know how to say what she REALLY wants or doesn't want for that matter', and now I had no control what-so-ever and felt like a complete pathetic jackass.

So I spent the next hour slamming beers just to slam them, because I didn't want to think about how small and insecure I felt. I sure and fuck didn't want to mingle with anyone, and I know it showed cause Kayla kept coming up to me asking if I was okay. GOD DAMMIT! I would have been fucking fine had I just said what I wanted to say the way I wanted to say it WHEN I wanted to say it.

I wasn't going to fuck him. I just didn't want anyone else making that decision for me. I opened up the stupid fucking box and I wanted to close it.

So it all went wrong, I felt out of control, and didn't feel like I had the power then to tell Cody off when he did his "well, I at least want one last kiss". And of course I feel obligated to give him that because I'm the pathetic little jackass that had her husband tell him that "she's just confused and doesn't want to tell you because she doesn't want to feel like she's playing mind games." Nooooo, I just wasn't going to enter the party and immediately walk up to him and explain to him that I fucked up bringing stuff up the other night. Oh, and one my ass. He kept on kissing me throughout the night in front of everyone which in turn made me feel like a gigantic whore.

So I spent three days in bed hating myself feeling like a worthless piece of shit who will never change and there is no hope for me. Woke Monday morning having a full blown panic attack, that was great. I don't know what to do with me. Some days I wish I just wasn't me. If we're all gonna die and everything is meaningless in the end anyways, I'm not quite sure why I keep doing this.

Dear Lana,

I'm sure you don't want to hear about it. You have enough you're dealing with. You don't need your drunk sister pontificating about her bullshit that she keeps putting herself into.

Kayla and Cody are moving.

I haven't talked to Kayla much since I heard she was leaving.

I promised Kayla I would be there last Friday to help her pack, and I didn't show up because i was too freaked out when she told me she had two other people coming.

I hadn't talked to her since and showed up at her house tonight to drop Mackinzee off after her and Miki swam.

I didn't even want to go, but Noah wanted to.

So I did. I wanted to prove I wasn't an asshole for not showing up on Friday, even though I felt like one.

So I get there, and I start drinking. ...

And ya know what I said>????

Out of fucking no where I asked if Cody still wanted to fuck me.

And he said yes.

I had a dream with Noah and his family in it last night. It was like a family reunion scene or something, but we were at a beach. Noah and I are sitting on the ground and he's not feeling good, so I'm sitting next trying to comfort him. His older sister walks up and starts either yelling or talking down to him about something he's not doing right, I think it was because he wasn't coming to eat and she was chastising him about not being a very good son or something. So I defend him and start telling her how selfish she is cause she doesn't even bother to notice or seem to care that he's feeling horrible.

Then I remember seeing people playing sand volleyball on the beach, some members of his family, some of mine including my mom and daughter. I overhear his older sister again and this time she's complaining about to file a lawsuit against someone because they're getting in the way of some self-righteous parenting thing she just HAS to do (can't remember what, seems more like a feeling about it then actual words). I got the gist in this dream that she has a habit of doing lawsuits or whatever to get what she want because she feels entitled to force these things.

Then there is a snake like monster that comes out of the water on to the beach and it grabs her son. She grabs his arms to try and save him but the monster gobbles him up and then her. My mom and daughter are on the beach and all I can think about is how I don't want my daughter to get eaten, and I feel relieved when someone else gets eaten, and give my daughter more time to escape. She escapes, and that's all I can remember of the dream.

I got books!

I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now, and while I haven't completely quit drinking, I've damn sure cut down. It was never the drinking that was really the problem, it's cause the world didn't fit with it, and god dammit the world wouldn't change. So I have to. Grrrr.

Anyways, about the whole "books" thing, my therapist gave me a couple of books about shame tonight that I'm pretty interested in reading. We were in a discussion about Miki, and this goofy fighting stuff we've had going on lately. A couple of times it's come down to her saying things in front of other people that I'm sure she KNEW would shame me, and she's learning she can do that to get her way (or at least TRY to get her way).

So the therapist gets these books out about shame, and I thumb through em and they look interesting, so I'll see if I get anything out of em. I dunno, I felt kinda weird taking the books. And then I felt weird for feeling weird. gat! Stupid circles in my head anxiety, I am so sick of it. She had to explain to me that she wouldn't have offered if she was worried and "whats the worst thats gonna happen, I'll have to replace them", which triggered the insta 'save my ass' response of "oh no no no no I'll never not come back and keep your books." With which I felt like a complete dork for saying.

I dunno, whatever, things are getting better with her. I feel more comfortable every time I go. Just hope that soon I will stop chattering and 90mph about a thousand different things. I'm not sure if that's anxiety, or maybe even a defense mechanism to keep from getting too deep about any one thing. ah-ha, thats a new one I just thought about. Seems plausible.

I need to keep writing so I keep thinking of new things. I do that when I write, I just don't write near enough.

Okay, gotta get off here. Deadliest Catch is getting ready to start and they're talking about Phil Harris' death tonight. Soo sad, I miss him. He really reminded me of by biological dad. I bet I cry tonight.

Didn't work out for two weeks. Day zero. I'm not calling myself a failure yet. The last week and a half has been great, and I don't want to lose it.

Yeah.

I know.

It's up to me to prove it to myself. I felt like I was proving something.

It didn't take long to forget all I 'thought' I was learning. Bites me in the ass everytime. Then I think there's no reason to fear the thing that got me here. And I do it again cause I love it.

I fucked up. Like I said...day zero. I'm not proud of it.

One week three days in. I won't say it's been easy, but it hasn't been as hard as I thought. I guess the real struggles haven't hit me yet. Don't get me wrong, I've had issues. I've thought about blogging them, maybe I will later.

It's weird how I blog things in my head. If only I had a keyboard attached to my brain and hooked up to here, this thing would be drowning in posts.

Hubby's been kind of pissy lately. He won't admit it's because he wants to get high, but I won't let him. I'm afraid that if I let him, then I will use it as an excuse to get drunk. I keep telling myself that I won't let his moods change what I need to do in my life. So far so good, hope it keeps working.

I have a lot of people in my life that aren't going to understand. Mostly all the friends that I drank with. I don't know if I should say anything or just avoid them. This whole thing is so weird and scary. Truth is, though, I never really hung out with any of them sober all that much. So even if I tell them, it's not like I will see them that often.

One of my sisters really isn't gonna get it. She's one of those "hard asses" that believes you should be a good woman and take care of your man. I quit my job at the liquor store to do this, so I'm sure she's gonna give me shit about that as soon as she finds out. I just knew that if I worked there, I wouldn't be able to quit. It's not like I don't need the money, but hell, we're not going bankrupt, plus the money we're gonna save on not buying cases of beer and bottles 3-4 nights a week. Along with the mega amounts of cigarettes I'd smoke when I was drinking.

Hell, I don't know. I'll figure it out I guess. Trying to keep my chin up, reminding myself often that I've been sober for the longest time in about 6 years (quit for a month when I started taking anti-depressants), and then before that it was when I was pregnant with my daughter about 9 years ago.

Email to my sister...

Subject:mom got in an accident today

Letter:

She's okay as far as I know, but she got bumped good enough knock her glasses off her face and then she hit the truck infront her to where it broke the grill off her car.

After this happened, I think her and the other two vehicles stopped on the side of I-80, mom got her bearings, and the guy that originally hit her decided to take off. I don't know exactly what happened or in the order in happened, but mom was worried about her ins rates going up, so I guess after that guy took off mom decided to leave as well. She drove home, and JR said that when she came up the driveway the rear bumper was dragging on the ground (he had to bunjee it back up), and her front grill was missing.

She won't report it to insurance, who knows if she's hurt (hip replacement less than a year ago) or the guy/gal in the mail truck is okay...but apparently as mom was driving home after all this, she seen the guy that hit her on the side of the road. Of course at this point she can't stop and hold him accountable because not only did HE leave the scene of an accident, SHE DID TOO.

This is all 2nd hand from JR as of about 10pm...mom got off at noon and took a route home that she doesn't normally take (yeah, thats another story), got lost, got in a multi car accident, comes home, gets in the other car (she's recked twice), and GOES TO WORK at UPS as if nothing happened.

She got off at 11, I tried to call her, but of course she wouldn't answer.

She makes me soo mad and I just want to talk to her to make sure she's okay. But I also want to tell her that I think she's such as DUMBASS. And especially for not calling me. I have never loved someone so much and wanted to choke them so badly as I do with her right now.

--End Letter--

(audio- owl city - meteor shower)


I had such a great time with my mom on Saturday. She was so there with me, and wanted me there, and loved that I was there. And I loved that I was there too.

I don't want to lose her right after I've found her.

I don't want her to die like N's dad did. We spent Memorial Day with his parents, got wonderful pictures of N's dad with my little girl on the tractor, teaching her how to drive at 4 years old.

2 days later he's dead.

That cannot happen with my mom. It will crush me! One minute there, the next minute gone. I can't take that again.

Especially after how far we've come in our relationship. I used to despise her, now I look at her and I see into a mirror.

She's my MOM. I can judge her until the cows come home, but the truth is that I'm just like her. I understand what she does, cause I'm just like her.

If she dies, I will lose what lt ittle validation I have in myself. What she gives me, is that little nudge that says "yeah, we're crazy, but we still ARE and we don't hurt anyone. Maybe they don't get it, but the best part is that they don'have to."

This last holiday of Bobby's death was hard (jan 16), but I realize that he has become such a myth. so many years gone by...I love him for what he was and what I remember him to be. I can idolize him forever, but it's not going to get me anywhere. If his memory is ever to help me in this life, I need to see it for what it is. I need to stop immortalizing everything.

I think that life sux. I don't like thinking life sux, but I do none the less. I'm just wishing for gods sake, whoever the gods are, that someone gave a shit and stopped trying to tell me make it better.



don't ya think if i could have made it better I would have done it by now? all the guilt and the reasons why I hate myself have nothing to do with it. Promise.

So it's July, and it's been a long ass time since I posted here. I think I'm being rather consistent...haha

So anyways, with the last post about homeschooling, it really has gone great, but it's probably not going to seem so great next to what I'm about to say.

I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I hate myself so much that I can't seem to stop thinking of different ways to kill myself. Not saying I'm ever going to "go through with it" cause I'm sure I won't, but just the thought of doing so seems to have become a sick sorta relief.

The worst part is that I seem to be in some sort of destructive mindset...I continue to do shit that simply makes me hate myself MORE. And in those moments of destruction, I tend to be more happy.

Yes, it's twisted. I'm really worried about it becoming the "new norm". If I let this continue, I worry that my self-mutilating fantasies will turn into reality.

I know that no one reads this. I guess the really messed up part is this is the forum I'm using to ask for help. I suppose it's all just part of my self-hatred.

I wish I had friends I felt like I could talk to. I seriously begin to wonder if I don't have such close friends because I feel as if I haven't been a very good friend myself, therefore I am not allowed friend good enough to give a damn.

So I decided to start homeschooling. Thus far everything is going absolutely, wondrously, awesomely perfect.

That was a joke.

Well, stupid sarcasm, which is something I'm good at.

Called my step-sis last night to chat, and just so happened to mention the whole "we're going to homeschool" thing. Bad idea. Especially since she was drunk.

Between the "you're going to kill that baby" 's (because, as everyone knows, homeschoolers lock their children in the house and don't allow them to have ANY friends) and the "you're just doing this for yourself, you just need to get out of the house and get a job" 's (yes, of course! all bored stay at home mom's opt for homeschooling simply to get out of having to get a "real job")....she managed to throw in an "I'm going to talk to your mom and get her on my side", which was sooo what I wanted to hear! The idea of having the family gang up on me over this just tickles me pink! I'm so overjoyed I'm tripping over my enthusiasm and falling right into a huge squishy pile of GLEE.

She called me back this morning to half-ass apologize. I say half-assed because she still made it very clear that she doesn't like homeschooling (as if she really knows what it is), and swears up and down that there is "something" schools give kids that they need in life. Outside of the "social" issue, she couldn't pin point for me exactly what that "something" was, but she is quite confident that there is "something" schools have that I won't be able to give my daughter.

Being the suck ass that I am, I politely told her that I understand her concerns (and could you please shove them straight up your crack so I don't have to hear them anymore?.....oh, oh, squeeze them cheeks tighter, I'm hearing mumbles ) but we're simply going to test this out for the rest of this year, and if it doesn't work for either of us, then she'll return to school next year.

Then I let her go and proceeded to beat my head on the kitchen counter, hoping that somehow I could rid my soul of the hateful feelings I was having.

Didn't work.

So I'm going to try a different method.

What the fuck right does she think she has telling me what is right with my daughter when her three kids are all fucking degenerates that don't even know how to fucking read?? The school system gave two of them diploma's, and they can't spl a fukng wurd. They can barely read or write, it's absolutely SAD.

OH, and shall we talk about the whole "social thing" for a bit? Cause ya know, I'd be so much happier if my daughter had a booming bundle of idiot friends, whether or not she actually learns anything, eh! who needs knowledge anyways? I so totally want my daughter to be like my niece who is currently on probation for getting caught with a pot pipe and some weed while practicing the much needed social skills of "hanging with the hommies". Or even like my nephew, who is facing prison time for various crimes and not paying his fines. But he has a GREAT social apparatus! Or maybe even my other nephew, 16 yrs old, not quite finished with school yet but probably won't graduate anyways due to the fact that he might spend the rest of his minor years in juvinal detention for his SECOND DUI!

Yeah, so, I'm absolutely going to listen to my step-sis on how to raise a child! I mean, she's done so well! How could I argue with her methods after looking at the results?