My head hurts.
Not because I'm hungover, although I was earlier today but I slept all day so I'm not feeling so bad in that regard at this point.
No, my head hurts because I stayed up all night last night drinking almost a full case of beer, and around 5am I ran out of beer. So, having no beer my infinite wisdom decided it best to go downstairs and get some ambien and librium that the doc prescribed to me as a means to help me STOP drinking.
The stairs were fine, my balance no so much and as hard as I tried to keep a slow steady pace, my legs went about 90mph down each step until I slammed face first into the wall. My forehead is scraped and hurts, was surprised it wasn't bleeding. My nose ring however was not so lucky and it did bleed. My glasses thankfully did not break but the white paint off the wall is streaked all across the top of plastic frame on one side, as if getting side swiped by a car.
After taking two of each of those pills, I managed somehow to get back up the stairs and for whatever reason drunk texted a friend (who I knew was getting up for work and just wanted to wish them a good day, happy sunshine blah blah blah). They call me back and of course I can't talk straight, I sound like a complete jackass, they laugh at me yet tell me they love me and let me go.
I suddenly realize that I have a daughter that I need to take care of all day and, ooops, mom is totally not going to be awake for a LONG time. So I text my sister, which I've never done before and never want to do again and ask her for her help. I admit everything that I have done. She asks me how many pills I took and I told her "no, I don't have a death wish, but there's no way I'm going to be able to take care of Miki." Of course the text looked nothing like what I just typed because I'm having to hold the phone close and far away from my face as I type, closing one eye and doing whatever it takes to even concentrate on where the letters are. I'm surprised I even made enough sense for her to know what was going on.
Noah dropped Miki off at Lana's on his way to work and of course I slept all day. I didn't even come conscious until around 3pm, long enough to go to the bathroom and right back in bed until around 10pm. Noah tried to wake me to eat dinner but I refused and have had nothing to eat since noon the day before. I'm not even really hungry. I hate myself so much right now that if I had the balls I'd just take all the pills I have and end the retardation that is me.
With all the flooding that has been going on, Lana has had to take time off work and I promised her that I would watch the boys for her so she could stay late and make up her time. How is she to trust me to do this if I'm such an insane drunk?
She knows I've been trying to quit. I did online AA meetings for about 6 days in a row, couple of days I did 2 a day. Those helped I suppose but half the time I was lost of these themes like "The 3rd Tradition" and "Attitude of Gratitude". I don't feel very fucking grateful, so what the hell was I supposed to say there? And they keep talking about working steps with a sponsor but I have to go to a face to face meeting to get one of those. I don't even know how to get a sponsor and my anxiety about going is so high that I think I just might jump off a bridge rather then go.
The last time I was to a face to face AA meeting I got a temporary sponsor, and she was more like a reformed crack addict then anything. Talked 100mph, didn't understand half of what she said and she made wise cracks about "oh, so you're one of those analyzer types". She was going to ISU to get a degree in psychology so I suppose she felt the need to take her new knowledge out on me. Went to a stupid AA party with her (talking my husband along like the freaked out dork that I am, which I'm sure made me look even more pathetic), and while I was there someone asked me "going a little fast don't ya think?" Wha? Why would they ask me that. I don't even know what pace I'm supposed to be going. Isn't this the shit I'm supposed to be doing to stay sober?
So I quit going and my temporary sponsor turned into a full time phone stalker leaving me messages because I wouldn't call her back. What the fuck did she expect me to say? Sorry, I don't really like you, leave me alone (which is what I wanted to say).
I don't even get the whole sponsor thing anyways. Most of the time I don't even call my friends or my family when I need help, how in the hell do they honestly thing I'm gonna pick up the phone to call someone I barely know and say "oh, I feel like I want to drink", to which they will respond, "no, do not drink." Yeah, that sounds useful. For all thats worth I could prink a sign and put it on my wall that reads "don't drink stupid it makes you do retarded things like pawn your kid off on your sister and smash your face into the wall".
How do I pick myself back up from something like this? I know Noah loves me but he's upstairs snoring away. Guess he's probably just tired of it all and I don't blame him. I'm such a waste. I wish someone would come and save me but who? No one gives a shit anymore they're just tired of mine.
All my friends are drinkers or pot smokers. Noah won't admit that he has a problem too cause when I said "go down and get a case of beer" I didn't hear any hesitation in his voice, he wanted to drink too! The six days I was sober he got all clammed up and asshold-ish because he wanted to drink and smoke, and he's probably mad at me because my problem interferes with his ability to have a beer. No, he doesn't drink like I do. He can have a six pack and be fine. In fact he'd much rather smoke then anything, and if I'm trying to be sober I don't want that around me because it's just another excuse for me to drink.
When I was on the phone with my sunshiny drunk wake-up text friend, I offered for them to come over on Saturday for lasagna night. I can't hang out with people without drinking, I'm tired of making plans and breaking them (as I'm sure my friends are sick of this whole 'Lindsey's trying to get sober again) thing. So I feel screwed.
I even texted my sister over in Omaha cause she's been wanting us to come hang out and party saying that we'd come the weekend of my bday in Sept, but then later in the day when she texted back I had to admit to her to we need to hold off on that cause I was thinking of putting myself into treatment.
Treatment I can't even do because I have a daughter to take care of and no money to afford anyone else to watch her. Not to mention the business is picking up and Noah needs me here to help him.
I just feel so fucked right now. I'm in a hole I have no idea of how to get out of. Everyone is sick of my bullshit, I'm sick of my insanity, and I don't know what to do.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I'm supposed to be making a list of things to do. Actually I'm supposed to be making a lot of lists. Here is a list of lists:
Things to clean
Reasons to be sober
Reasons why not to drink
Lists of things to make lists of in the future so I can continue to sit on my ass
I'm never going to get anything done.
Things to clean
Reasons to be sober
Reasons why not to drink
Lists of things to make lists of in the future so I can continue to sit on my ass
I'm never going to get anything done.
I feel like I'm losing grips on what I really set out to do in the first place. I think I had goals but they all hovered around just stopping drinking, and even that I'm not doing so well with. Not only have I failed to clearly define what I've been wanting to accomplish, but I don't think I've seriously anticipated how hard it's going to be to achieve. I'm garnering more respect for that whole saying that the "quitting drinking is the easy part."
My head is killing me. I've spent the last 3 days mostly in bed. Saturday really sucked. It was the going away party for Cody and Kayla and, of course, Cody had it in his head that we were gonna screw. 'Go me' for being the idiot to bring it up. I really have no idea why I brought it up again. Everything was already laid out that Noah and I weren't going to do that. It was cool that they had that type of open relationship but it was obvious it didn't work for us. Noah feels guilty about what he did with Kayla so if I wanted to push the issue with screwing Cody, I'm sure I'd get away with it, but I'd kill myself over the guilt. I knew all that yet I still got drunk and dragged things back outta the dirt.
So Saturday rolls around and Cody gets Noah alone to, well, I guess get some sort of okay to do his wife. Noah says the exact wrong thing, and Cody bombards me with this "Noah said you were having reservations and felt like you're playing mind games". Uhhh, well I wouldn't have said it THAT WAY. Fucking pissed me off and I felt like I was trapped against a wall. Had I at least had more then one beer I probably would have dealt with it better but I got pissed and walked away saying "I'm not gonna talk about this right now." Cody never knows when to leave things alone so he wouldn't leave me be, he just kept on making me feel smaller and smaller cause he "just wanted to make sure we were cool". I was fucking cool just walking into this party, I had it all worked out in my head what I was going to say when the time was right. I HAD control until I got clobbered with 'the men are going to make everything okay because I'm just a measly little woman who doesn't know how to say what she REALLY wants or doesn't want for that matter', and now I had no control what-so-ever and felt like a complete pathetic jackass.
So I spent the next hour slamming beers just to slam them, because I didn't want to think about how small and insecure I felt. I sure and fuck didn't want to mingle with anyone, and I know it showed cause Kayla kept coming up to me asking if I was okay. GOD DAMMIT! I would have been fucking fine had I just said what I wanted to say the way I wanted to say it WHEN I wanted to say it.
I wasn't going to fuck him. I just didn't want anyone else making that decision for me. I opened up the stupid fucking box and I wanted to close it.
So it all went wrong, I felt out of control, and didn't feel like I had the power then to tell Cody off when he did his "well, I at least want one last kiss". And of course I feel obligated to give him that because I'm the pathetic little jackass that had her husband tell him that "she's just confused and doesn't want to tell you because she doesn't want to feel like she's playing mind games." Nooooo, I just wasn't going to enter the party and immediately walk up to him and explain to him that I fucked up bringing stuff up the other night. Oh, and one my ass. He kept on kissing me throughout the night in front of everyone which in turn made me feel like a gigantic whore.
So I spent three days in bed hating myself feeling like a worthless piece of shit who will never change and there is no hope for me. Woke Monday morning having a full blown panic attack, that was great. I don't know what to do with me. Some days I wish I just wasn't me. If we're all gonna die and everything is meaningless in the end anyways, I'm not quite sure why I keep doing this.
My head is killing me. I've spent the last 3 days mostly in bed. Saturday really sucked. It was the going away party for Cody and Kayla and, of course, Cody had it in his head that we were gonna screw. 'Go me' for being the idiot to bring it up. I really have no idea why I brought it up again. Everything was already laid out that Noah and I weren't going to do that. It was cool that they had that type of open relationship but it was obvious it didn't work for us. Noah feels guilty about what he did with Kayla so if I wanted to push the issue with screwing Cody, I'm sure I'd get away with it, but I'd kill myself over the guilt. I knew all that yet I still got drunk and dragged things back outta the dirt.
So Saturday rolls around and Cody gets Noah alone to, well, I guess get some sort of okay to do his wife. Noah says the exact wrong thing, and Cody bombards me with this "Noah said you were having reservations and felt like you're playing mind games". Uhhh, well I wouldn't have said it THAT WAY. Fucking pissed me off and I felt like I was trapped against a wall. Had I at least had more then one beer I probably would have dealt with it better but I got pissed and walked away saying "I'm not gonna talk about this right now." Cody never knows when to leave things alone so he wouldn't leave me be, he just kept on making me feel smaller and smaller cause he "just wanted to make sure we were cool". I was fucking cool just walking into this party, I had it all worked out in my head what I was going to say when the time was right. I HAD control until I got clobbered with 'the men are going to make everything okay because I'm just a measly little woman who doesn't know how to say what she REALLY wants or doesn't want for that matter', and now I had no control what-so-ever and felt like a complete pathetic jackass.
So I spent the next hour slamming beers just to slam them, because I didn't want to think about how small and insecure I felt. I sure and fuck didn't want to mingle with anyone, and I know it showed cause Kayla kept coming up to me asking if I was okay. GOD DAMMIT! I would have been fucking fine had I just said what I wanted to say the way I wanted to say it WHEN I wanted to say it.
I wasn't going to fuck him. I just didn't want anyone else making that decision for me. I opened up the stupid fucking box and I wanted to close it.
So it all went wrong, I felt out of control, and didn't feel like I had the power then to tell Cody off when he did his "well, I at least want one last kiss". And of course I feel obligated to give him that because I'm the pathetic little jackass that had her husband tell him that "she's just confused and doesn't want to tell you because she doesn't want to feel like she's playing mind games." Nooooo, I just wasn't going to enter the party and immediately walk up to him and explain to him that I fucked up bringing stuff up the other night. Oh, and one my ass. He kept on kissing me throughout the night in front of everyone which in turn made me feel like a gigantic whore.
So I spent three days in bed hating myself feeling like a worthless piece of shit who will never change and there is no hope for me. Woke Monday morning having a full blown panic attack, that was great. I don't know what to do with me. Some days I wish I just wasn't me. If we're all gonna die and everything is meaningless in the end anyways, I'm not quite sure why I keep doing this.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Dear Lana,
I'm sure you don't want to hear about it. You have enough you're dealing with. You don't need your drunk sister pontificating about her bullshit that she keeps putting herself into.
Kayla and Cody are moving.
I haven't talked to Kayla much since I heard she was leaving.
I promised Kayla I would be there last Friday to help her pack, and I didn't show up because i was too freaked out when she told me she had two other people coming.
I hadn't talked to her since and showed up at her house tonight to drop Mackinzee off after her and Miki swam.
I didn't even want to go, but Noah wanted to.
So I did. I wanted to prove I wasn't an asshole for not showing up on Friday, even though I felt like one.
So I get there, and I start drinking. ...
And ya know what I said>????
Out of fucking no where I asked if Cody still wanted to fuck me.
And he said yes.
I'm sure you don't want to hear about it. You have enough you're dealing with. You don't need your drunk sister pontificating about her bullshit that she keeps putting herself into.
Kayla and Cody are moving.
I haven't talked to Kayla much since I heard she was leaving.
I promised Kayla I would be there last Friday to help her pack, and I didn't show up because i was too freaked out when she told me she had two other people coming.
I hadn't talked to her since and showed up at her house tonight to drop Mackinzee off after her and Miki swam.
I didn't even want to go, but Noah wanted to.
So I did. I wanted to prove I wasn't an asshole for not showing up on Friday, even though I felt like one.
So I get there, and I start drinking. ...
And ya know what I said>????
Out of fucking no where I asked if Cody still wanted to fuck me.
And he said yes.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I had a dream with Noah and his family in it last night. It was like a family reunion scene or something, but we were at a beach. Noah and I are sitting on the ground and he's not feeling good, so I'm sitting next trying to comfort him. His older sister walks up and starts either yelling or talking down to him about something he's not doing right, I think it was because he wasn't coming to eat and she was chastising him about not being a very good son or something. So I defend him and start telling her how selfish she is cause she doesn't even bother to notice or seem to care that he's feeling horrible.
Then I remember seeing people playing sand volleyball on the beach, some members of his family, some of mine including my mom and daughter. I overhear his older sister again and this time she's complaining about to file a lawsuit against someone because they're getting in the way of some self-righteous parenting thing she just HAS to do (can't remember what, seems more like a feeling about it then actual words). I got the gist in this dream that she has a habit of doing lawsuits or whatever to get what she want because she feels entitled to force these things.
Then there is a snake like monster that comes out of the water on to the beach and it grabs her son. She grabs his arms to try and save him but the monster gobbles him up and then her. My mom and daughter are on the beach and all I can think about is how I don't want my daughter to get eaten, and I feel relieved when someone else gets eaten, and give my daughter more time to escape. She escapes, and that's all I can remember of the dream.
Then I remember seeing people playing sand volleyball on the beach, some members of his family, some of mine including my mom and daughter. I overhear his older sister again and this time she's complaining about to file a lawsuit against someone because they're getting in the way of some self-righteous parenting thing she just HAS to do (can't remember what, seems more like a feeling about it then actual words). I got the gist in this dream that she has a habit of doing lawsuits or whatever to get what she want because she feels entitled to force these things.
Then there is a snake like monster that comes out of the water on to the beach and it grabs her son. She grabs his arms to try and save him but the monster gobbles him up and then her. My mom and daughter are on the beach and all I can think about is how I don't want my daughter to get eaten, and I feel relieved when someone else gets eaten, and give my daughter more time to escape. She escapes, and that's all I can remember of the dream.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I got books!
I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now, and while I haven't completely quit drinking, I've damn sure cut down. It was never the drinking that was really the problem, it's cause the world didn't fit with it, and god dammit the world wouldn't change. So I have to. Grrrr.
Anyways, about the whole "books" thing, my therapist gave me a couple of books about shame tonight that I'm pretty interested in reading. We were in a discussion about Miki, and this goofy fighting stuff we've had going on lately. A couple of times it's come down to her saying things in front of other people that I'm sure she KNEW would shame me, and she's learning she can do that to get her way (or at least TRY to get her way).
So the therapist gets these books out about shame, and I thumb through em and they look interesting, so I'll see if I get anything out of em. I dunno, I felt kinda weird taking the books. And then I felt weird for feeling weird. gat! Stupid circles in my head anxiety, I am so sick of it. She had to explain to me that she wouldn't have offered if she was worried and "whats the worst thats gonna happen, I'll have to replace them", which triggered the insta 'save my ass' response of "oh no no no no I'll never not come back and keep your books." With which I felt like a complete dork for saying.
I dunno, whatever, things are getting better with her. I feel more comfortable every time I go. Just hope that soon I will stop chattering and 90mph about a thousand different things. I'm not sure if that's anxiety, or maybe even a defense mechanism to keep from getting too deep about any one thing. ah-ha, thats a new one I just thought about. Seems plausible.
I need to keep writing so I keep thinking of new things. I do that when I write, I just don't write near enough.
Okay, gotta get off here. Deadliest Catch is getting ready to start and they're talking about Phil Harris' death tonight. Soo sad, I miss him. He really reminded me of by biological dad. I bet I cry tonight.
I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now, and while I haven't completely quit drinking, I've damn sure cut down. It was never the drinking that was really the problem, it's cause the world didn't fit with it, and god dammit the world wouldn't change. So I have to. Grrrr.
Anyways, about the whole "books" thing, my therapist gave me a couple of books about shame tonight that I'm pretty interested in reading. We were in a discussion about Miki, and this goofy fighting stuff we've had going on lately. A couple of times it's come down to her saying things in front of other people that I'm sure she KNEW would shame me, and she's learning she can do that to get her way (or at least TRY to get her way).
So the therapist gets these books out about shame, and I thumb through em and they look interesting, so I'll see if I get anything out of em. I dunno, I felt kinda weird taking the books. And then I felt weird for feeling weird. gat! Stupid circles in my head anxiety, I am so sick of it. She had to explain to me that she wouldn't have offered if she was worried and "whats the worst thats gonna happen, I'll have to replace them", which triggered the insta 'save my ass' response of "oh no no no no I'll never not come back and keep your books." With which I felt like a complete dork for saying.
I dunno, whatever, things are getting better with her. I feel more comfortable every time I go. Just hope that soon I will stop chattering and 90mph about a thousand different things. I'm not sure if that's anxiety, or maybe even a defense mechanism to keep from getting too deep about any one thing. ah-ha, thats a new one I just thought about. Seems plausible.
I need to keep writing so I keep thinking of new things. I do that when I write, I just don't write near enough.
Okay, gotta get off here. Deadliest Catch is getting ready to start and they're talking about Phil Harris' death tonight. Soo sad, I miss him. He really reminded me of by biological dad. I bet I cry tonight.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Didn't work out for two weeks. Day zero. I'm not calling myself a failure yet. The last week and a half has been great, and I don't want to lose it.
Yeah.
I know.
It's up to me to prove it to myself. I felt like I was proving something.
It didn't take long to forget all I 'thought' I was learning. Bites me in the ass everytime. Then I think there's no reason to fear the thing that got me here. And I do it again cause I love it.
I fucked up. Like I said...day zero. I'm not proud of it.
Yeah.
I know.
It's up to me to prove it to myself. I felt like I was proving something.
It didn't take long to forget all I 'thought' I was learning. Bites me in the ass everytime. Then I think there's no reason to fear the thing that got me here. And I do it again cause I love it.
I fucked up. Like I said...day zero. I'm not proud of it.
Friday, February 12, 2010
One week three days in. I won't say it's been easy, but it hasn't been as hard as I thought. I guess the real struggles haven't hit me yet. Don't get me wrong, I've had issues. I've thought about blogging them, maybe I will later.
It's weird how I blog things in my head. If only I had a keyboard attached to my brain and hooked up to here, this thing would be drowning in posts.
Hubby's been kind of pissy lately. He won't admit it's because he wants to get high, but I won't let him. I'm afraid that if I let him, then I will use it as an excuse to get drunk. I keep telling myself that I won't let his moods change what I need to do in my life. So far so good, hope it keeps working.
I have a lot of people in my life that aren't going to understand. Mostly all the friends that I drank with. I don't know if I should say anything or just avoid them. This whole thing is so weird and scary. Truth is, though, I never really hung out with any of them sober all that much. So even if I tell them, it's not like I will see them that often.
One of my sisters really isn't gonna get it. She's one of those "hard asses" that believes you should be a good woman and take care of your man. I quit my job at the liquor store to do this, so I'm sure she's gonna give me shit about that as soon as she finds out. I just knew that if I worked there, I wouldn't be able to quit. It's not like I don't need the money, but hell, we're not going bankrupt, plus the money we're gonna save on not buying cases of beer and bottles 3-4 nights a week. Along with the mega amounts of cigarettes I'd smoke when I was drinking.
Hell, I don't know. I'll figure it out I guess. Trying to keep my chin up, reminding myself often that I've been sober for the longest time in about 6 years (quit for a month when I started taking anti-depressants), and then before that it was when I was pregnant with my daughter about 9 years ago.
It's weird how I blog things in my head. If only I had a keyboard attached to my brain and hooked up to here, this thing would be drowning in posts.
Hubby's been kind of pissy lately. He won't admit it's because he wants to get high, but I won't let him. I'm afraid that if I let him, then I will use it as an excuse to get drunk. I keep telling myself that I won't let his moods change what I need to do in my life. So far so good, hope it keeps working.
I have a lot of people in my life that aren't going to understand. Mostly all the friends that I drank with. I don't know if I should say anything or just avoid them. This whole thing is so weird and scary. Truth is, though, I never really hung out with any of them sober all that much. So even if I tell them, it's not like I will see them that often.
One of my sisters really isn't gonna get it. She's one of those "hard asses" that believes you should be a good woman and take care of your man. I quit my job at the liquor store to do this, so I'm sure she's gonna give me shit about that as soon as she finds out. I just knew that if I worked there, I wouldn't be able to quit. It's not like I don't need the money, but hell, we're not going bankrupt, plus the money we're gonna save on not buying cases of beer and bottles 3-4 nights a week. Along with the mega amounts of cigarettes I'd smoke when I was drinking.
Hell, I don't know. I'll figure it out I guess. Trying to keep my chin up, reminding myself often that I've been sober for the longest time in about 6 years (quit for a month when I started taking anti-depressants), and then before that it was when I was pregnant with my daughter about 9 years ago.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Email to my sister...
Subject:mom got in an accident today
Letter:
She's okay as far as I know, but she got bumped good enough knock her glasses off her face and then she hit the truck infront her to where it broke the grill off her car.
After this happened, I think her and the other two vehicles stopped on the side of I-80, mom got her bearings, and the guy that originally hit her decided to take off. I don't know exactly what happened or in the order in happened, but mom was worried about her ins rates going up, so I guess after that guy took off mom decided to leave as well. She drove home, and JR said that when she came up the driveway the rear bumper was dragging on the ground (he had to bunjee it back up), and her front grill was missing.
She won't report it to insurance, who knows if she's hurt (hip replacement less than a year ago) or the guy/gal in the mail truck is okay...but apparently as mom was driving home after all this, she seen the guy that hit her on the side of the road. Of course at this point she can't stop and hold him accountable because not only did HE leave the scene of an accident, SHE DID TOO.
This is all 2nd hand from JR as of about 10pm...mom got off at noon and took a route home that she doesn't normally take (yeah, thats another story), got lost, got in a multi car accident, comes home, gets in the other car (she's recked twice), and GOES TO WORK at UPS as if nothing happened.
She got off at 11, I tried to call her, but of course she wouldn't answer.
She makes me soo mad and I just want to talk to her to make sure she's okay. But I also want to tell her that I think she's such as DUMBASS. And especially for not calling me. I have never loved someone so much and wanted to choke them so badly as I do with her right now.
--End Letter--
(audio- owl city - meteor shower)
I had such a great time with my mom on Saturday. She was so there with me, and wanted me there, and loved that I was there. And I loved that I was there too.
I don't want to lose her right after I've found her.
I don't want her to die like N's dad did. We spent Memorial Day with his parents, got wonderful pictures of N's dad with my little girl on the tractor, teaching her how to drive at 4 years old.
2 days later he's dead.
That cannot happen with my mom. It will crush me! One minute there, the next minute gone. I can't take that again.
Especially after how far we've come in our relationship. I used to despise her, now I look at her and I see into a mirror.
She's my MOM. I can judge her until the cows come home, but the truth is that I'm just like her. I understand what she does, cause I'm just like her.
If she dies, I will lose what lt ittle validation I have in myself. What she gives me, is that little nudge that says "yeah, we're crazy, but we still ARE and we don't hurt anyone. Maybe they don't get it, but the best part is that they don'have to."
Subject:mom got in an accident today
Letter:
She's okay as far as I know, but she got bumped good enough knock her glasses off her face and then she hit the truck infront her to where it broke the grill off her car.
After this happened, I think her and the other two vehicles stopped on the side of I-80, mom got her bearings, and the guy that originally hit her decided to take off. I don't know exactly what happened or in the order in happened, but mom was worried about her ins rates going up, so I guess after that guy took off mom decided to leave as well. She drove home, and JR said that when she came up the driveway the rear bumper was dragging on the ground (he had to bunjee it back up), and her front grill was missing.
She won't report it to insurance, who knows if she's hurt (hip replacement less than a year ago) or the guy/gal in the mail truck is okay...but apparently as mom was driving home after all this, she seen the guy that hit her on the side of the road. Of course at this point she can't stop and hold him accountable because not only did HE leave the scene of an accident, SHE DID TOO.
This is all 2nd hand from JR as of about 10pm...mom got off at noon and took a route home that she doesn't normally take (yeah, thats another story), got lost, got in a multi car accident, comes home, gets in the other car (she's recked twice), and GOES TO WORK at UPS as if nothing happened.
She got off at 11, I tried to call her, but of course she wouldn't answer.
She makes me soo mad and I just want to talk to her to make sure she's okay. But I also want to tell her that I think she's such as DUMBASS. And especially for not calling me. I have never loved someone so much and wanted to choke them so badly as I do with her right now.
--End Letter--
(audio- owl city - meteor shower)
I had such a great time with my mom on Saturday. She was so there with me, and wanted me there, and loved that I was there. And I loved that I was there too.
I don't want to lose her right after I've found her.
I don't want her to die like N's dad did. We spent Memorial Day with his parents, got wonderful pictures of N's dad with my little girl on the tractor, teaching her how to drive at 4 years old.
2 days later he's dead.
That cannot happen with my mom. It will crush me! One minute there, the next minute gone. I can't take that again.
Especially after how far we've come in our relationship. I used to despise her, now I look at her and I see into a mirror.
She's my MOM. I can judge her until the cows come home, but the truth is that I'm just like her. I understand what she does, cause I'm just like her.
If she dies, I will lose what lt ittle validation I have in myself. What she gives me, is that little nudge that says "yeah, we're crazy, but we still ARE and we don't hurt anyone. Maybe they don't get it, but the best part is that they don'have to."
Thursday, February 19, 2009
This last holiday of Bobby's death was hard (jan 16), but I realize that he has become such a myth. so many years gone by...I love him for what he was and what I remember him to be. I can idolize him forever, but it's not going to get me anywhere. If his memory is ever to help me in this life, I need to see it for what it is. I need to stop immortalizing everything.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I think that life sux. I don't like thinking life sux, but I do none the less. I'm just wishing for gods sake, whoever the gods are, that someone gave a shit and stopped trying to tell me make it better.
don't ya think if i could have made it better I would have done it by now? all the guilt and the reasons why I hate myself have nothing to do with it. Promise.
don't ya think if i could have made it better I would have done it by now? all the guilt and the reasons why I hate myself have nothing to do with it. Promise.
Friday, July 18, 2008
So it's July, and it's been a long ass time since I posted here. I think I'm being rather consistent...haha
So anyways, with the last post about homeschooling, it really has gone great, but it's probably not going to seem so great next to what I'm about to say.
I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I hate myself so much that I can't seem to stop thinking of different ways to kill myself. Not saying I'm ever going to "go through with it" cause I'm sure I won't, but just the thought of doing so seems to have become a sick sorta relief.
The worst part is that I seem to be in some sort of destructive mindset...I continue to do shit that simply makes me hate myself MORE. And in those moments of destruction, I tend to be more happy.
Yes, it's twisted. I'm really worried about it becoming the "new norm". If I let this continue, I worry that my self-mutilating fantasies will turn into reality.
I know that no one reads this. I guess the really messed up part is this is the forum I'm using to ask for help. I suppose it's all just part of my self-hatred.
I wish I had friends I felt like I could talk to. I seriously begin to wonder if I don't have such close friends because I feel as if I haven't been a very good friend myself, therefore I am not allowed friend good enough to give a damn.
So anyways, with the last post about homeschooling, it really has gone great, but it's probably not going to seem so great next to what I'm about to say.
I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I hate myself so much that I can't seem to stop thinking of different ways to kill myself. Not saying I'm ever going to "go through with it" cause I'm sure I won't, but just the thought of doing so seems to have become a sick sorta relief.
The worst part is that I seem to be in some sort of destructive mindset...I continue to do shit that simply makes me hate myself MORE. And in those moments of destruction, I tend to be more happy.
Yes, it's twisted. I'm really worried about it becoming the "new norm". If I let this continue, I worry that my self-mutilating fantasies will turn into reality.
I know that no one reads this. I guess the really messed up part is this is the forum I'm using to ask for help. I suppose it's all just part of my self-hatred.
I wish I had friends I felt like I could talk to. I seriously begin to wonder if I don't have such close friends because I feel as if I haven't been a very good friend myself, therefore I am not allowed friend good enough to give a damn.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
So I decided to start homeschooling. Thus far everything is going absolutely, wondrously, awesomely perfect.
That was a joke.
Well, stupid sarcasm, which is something I'm good at.
Called my step-sis last night to chat, and just so happened to mention the whole "we're going to homeschool" thing. Bad idea. Especially since she was drunk.
Between the "you're going to kill that baby" 's (because, as everyone knows, homeschoolers lock their children in the house and don't allow them to have ANY friends) and the "you're just doing this for yourself, you just need to get out of the house and get a job" 's (yes, of course! all bored stay at home mom's opt for homeschooling simply to get out of having to get a "real job")....she managed to throw in an "I'm going to talk to your mom and get her on my side", which was sooo what I wanted to hear! The idea of having the family gang up on me over this just tickles me pink! I'm so overjoyed I'm tripping over my enthusiasm and falling right into a huge squishy pile of GLEE.
She called me back this morning to half-ass apologize. I say half-assed because she still made it very clear that she doesn't like homeschooling (as if she really knows what it is), and swears up and down that there is "something" schools give kids that they need in life. Outside of the "social" issue, she couldn't pin point for me exactly what that "something" was, but she is quite confident that there is "something" schools have that I won't be able to give my daughter.
Being the suck ass that I am, I politely told her that I understand her concerns (and could you please shove them straight up your crack so I don't have to hear them anymore?.....oh, oh, squeeze them cheeks tighter, I'm hearing mumbles ) but we're simply going to test this out for the rest of this year, and if it doesn't work for either of us, then she'll return to school next year.
Then I let her go and proceeded to beat my head on the kitchen counter, hoping that somehow I could rid my soul of the hateful feelings I was having.
Didn't work.
So I'm going to try a different method.
What the fuck right does she think she has telling me what is right with my daughter when her three kids are all fucking degenerates that don't even know how to fucking read?? The school system gave two of them diploma's, and they can't spl a fukng wurd. They can barely read or write, it's absolutely SAD.
OH, and shall we talk about the whole "social thing" for a bit? Cause ya know, I'd be so much happier if my daughter had a booming bundle of idiot friends, whether or not she actually learns anything, eh! who needs knowledge anyways? I so totally want my daughter to be like my niece who is currently on probation for getting caught with a pot pipe and some weed while practicing the much needed social skills of "hanging with the hommies". Or even like my nephew, who is facing prison time for various crimes and not paying his fines. But he has a GREAT social apparatus! Or maybe even my other nephew, 16 yrs old, not quite finished with school yet but probably won't graduate anyways due to the fact that he might spend the rest of his minor years in juvinal detention for his SECOND DUI!
Yeah, so, I'm absolutely going to listen to my step-sis on how to raise a child! I mean, she's done so well! How could I argue with her methods after looking at the results?
That was a joke.
Well, stupid sarcasm, which is something I'm good at.
Called my step-sis last night to chat, and just so happened to mention the whole "we're going to homeschool" thing. Bad idea. Especially since she was drunk.
Between the "you're going to kill that baby" 's (because, as everyone knows, homeschoolers lock their children in the house and don't allow them to have ANY friends) and the "you're just doing this for yourself, you just need to get out of the house and get a job" 's (yes, of course! all bored stay at home mom's opt for homeschooling simply to get out of having to get a "real job")....she managed to throw in an "I'm going to talk to your mom and get her on my side", which was sooo what I wanted to hear! The idea of having the family gang up on me over this just tickles me pink! I'm so overjoyed I'm tripping over my enthusiasm and falling right into a huge squishy pile of GLEE.
She called me back this morning to half-ass apologize. I say half-assed because she still made it very clear that she doesn't like homeschooling (as if she really knows what it is), and swears up and down that there is "something" schools give kids that they need in life. Outside of the "social" issue, she couldn't pin point for me exactly what that "something" was, but she is quite confident that there is "something" schools have that I won't be able to give my daughter.
Being the suck ass that I am, I politely told her that I understand her concerns (
Then I let her go and proceeded to beat my head on the kitchen counter, hoping that somehow I could rid my soul of the hateful feelings I was having.
Didn't work.
So I'm going to try a different method.
What the fuck right does she think she has telling me what is right with my daughter when her three kids are all fucking degenerates that don't even know how to fucking read?? The school system gave two of them diploma's, and they can't spl a fukng wurd. They can barely read or write, it's absolutely SAD.
OH, and shall we talk about the whole "social thing" for a bit? Cause ya know, I'd be so much happier if my daughter had a booming bundle of idiot friends, whether or not she actually learns anything, eh! who needs knowledge anyways? I so totally want my daughter to be like my niece who is currently on probation for getting caught with a pot pipe and some weed while practicing the much needed social skills of "hanging with the hommies". Or even like my nephew, who is facing prison time for various crimes and not paying his fines. But he has a GREAT social apparatus! Or maybe even my other nephew, 16 yrs old, not quite finished with school yet but probably won't graduate anyways due to the fact that he might spend the rest of his minor years in juvinal detention for his SECOND DUI!
Yeah, so, I'm absolutely going to listen to my step-sis on how to raise a child! I mean, she's done so well! How could I argue with her methods after looking at the results?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Conversations with Myself....Who the fuck am I?
I love the idea duality. Especially right now. Because my dual personalities are fighting. What I think about myself and who I am are duking it out. What I think about myself is all apart of what everyone else thinks about me, and who I am just doesn't have a fucking clue, it is something I have to come up with all my own.
Who I am is basically screwed, because I've based most of what I think about myself on what others think.
What I think about myself has a checklist of everything I need to change. Every reason why I'm wrong in logical order, chronologically.
Can I really be me if I am so worried about what other people think?
There's constructive criticism and there's letting other's ideals run your life. And I'm having a hard time differentiating between the two.
Who I am isn't wrong, it can't be, it's ME. But if I let what I think about be take too much control, won't I lose me?
I love the idea duality. Especially right now. Because my dual personalities are fighting. What I think about myself and who I am are duking it out. What I think about myself is all apart of what everyone else thinks about me, and who I am just doesn't have a fucking clue, it is something I have to come up with all my own.
Who I am is basically screwed, because I've based most of what I think about myself on what others think.
What I think about myself has a checklist of everything I need to change. Every reason why I'm wrong in logical order, chronologically.
Can I really be me if I am so worried about what other people think?
There's constructive criticism and there's letting other's ideals run your life. And I'm having a hard time differentiating between the two.
Who I am isn't wrong, it can't be, it's ME. But if I let what I think about be take too much control, won't I lose me?
Monday, December 24, 2007
The New Old Top 100
I just found my old Top 100, and here are the entries that are still applicable:
I used to think it was cool to shoot chemicals through my veins.
I spent 8 months in treatment for it.
I am still recovering from treatment.
I like to watch Veggie Tales more than my daughter.
I can't stand people that act like me. I like to be selfish, controlling, and spoiled all on my own.
I never wear sandals without painted toenails. I think my feet are ugly otherwise.
I got sick once when I was 6 yrs old eatting an enitre container of maraschino cherries. I don't eat them very often anymore.
I met my husband through ICQ.
I have pretty nipples. I have always been proud of them ;)
I am 22 years old, but I feel 30.
When asked what my age was by a doctor, it took me about a minute to figure it out. He thought it was funny, I felt like an idiot.
I have a pugged nose. My husband says it's "cute", I think it's my mom's way of genetic torture.
My sister used to pull her nose up with her finger and make fun of my nose. She has scarred me for life. I have yet to speak with my therapist about this issue.
I smoke too much.
I usually only smoke pot when I'm drunk. Otherwise it makes me feel weird. That is the only drug I do.
I love to take pictures. Someday I will have a house with a nice darkroom.
I hate the fact that my daugher has inherited my stubborn attitude.
When I was trying to decide a good name for my daughter, I chose one that sounded good when yelled...."Mikayla Lynn!"
I analyze things alot, especially when I'm drunk.
I think I have alot of good insights and points of view (especially when I'm drunk). I just have a hard time saying them (especially when I'm drunk).
I believe that some drugs can take you to a higher mental plain.
I love music, it's an excellent form of expression.
Sometimes music controlls my mood. (ie. when I listen to sad music it makes me sad, when I listen to happy music it makes me happy, when I listen to morbid music it makes me evil)
I am afraid of the dark. I have to have a nightlight in everyroom.
I scheduled my wedding around an astrological chart, giving me the best days for marriage.
I died my hair black once. I tried to get the black color out of my hair by using real bleach. A lot of the black changed to various shades of brown and blonde, but unfortunately half my hair fell out.
My eyes are two different colors, left one is green, right one is brown. The green one changes between brown and green. Thats my flippy side.
I have very strange dreams and I usually remember them, although I can't even begin to understand my own mind.
I don't like to sleep on my back. I prefer sleeping on my tummy.
I believe we are being screwed out of our rights by the government, but I don't know what to do about it.
I believe we are connected to a higher energy (God), but I don't believe in traditional religion. Although I do support most religions, because they are striving for that basic need for God. Sometimes I think that religions could all have merit ( and be related ), in their own ways. Maybe I will study this someday.
I know that I am smart, I just like people to think that I am not so I can outwit them.
I have a very deceptive side.
I like to organize things for some reason. I don't know why.
I like to organize things for some reason. I don't know why.
I have been told I have a bad co-dependency problem, but I don't understand what they mean.........where's noah? Noah?!
I have a big heart, and my body is getting bigger to accomodate.
I have slept with more guys than I can remember, yet I have a husband who was a virgin before I met him. He doesn't think I'm a slut. He understands that I have open leg sydrome. He calls me his muse.
I was raped once when I was 15 by a friend of my step-dad's.
I blame my promiscuous streak on the fact that I was violated and I wanted my sexual control back. No wonder I married a virgin, eh? haha
I have always had long, flimsy fingernails. I wish they would get stronger, but I don't drink enough milk.
I put a telephone in my name for a friend who was being beaten by her boyfriend and couldn't afford a phone. A week later, I was hanging out with her while my boyfriend was at the bar. While I was in the shower at their house, my boyfriend came in the bathroom and through the shower curtain to bite me in the arm. I guess it's better then being punched the face. He did it because he swore I was having sex with her and her beating ass boyfriend. We had a big fight, and he bit a chunk out of my arm. I wasn't allowed to talk to her anymore. He made me shut the phone off without tell her. I don't know what happened to her, and the bill has never been paid.
I used to hate people who drove around and talked on cell phones, until I got one of my own.
I have lived in Indiana for 9 months and in west Texas for 4 months.
I have a hard time telling people I am sorry. It is easier for me to end the relationship than to admit when I'm wrong.
I like it when I am talked dirty to.
The first kinky thing I have ever done with my husband involved peanut butter.
I have always wanted a big fuzzy teddybear to cuddle with, but I have never gotten one.
I pierced my nose 3 different times by myself, but have since taken out the ring. I still have a small scar.
I have a tatoo on my leg of a rose that was done by someone who had been up for a few days on crank. I got it when I was 18. He used a homemade tatoo gun, and went over it 10 times. It doesn't look too bad, and I am lucky that I didn't contract HIV, thank God!
I had a boyfriend that died when I was 16. His death is what made me fell justified to get into drugs as bad as I did. His mom was the drug dealer.
I would like to have more children, but don't know if I can handle anymore right now. My husband and I have decided to let God choose, whoever that is.
I have owned 2 Mustangs, one was a 1985 LX and the other was a 1992 LX 5.0. The 5.0 got totalled when I was drunk and let the sober guy drive. I didn't even get to wreck my own car.
When the cops found the car in a ditch on a country road (I was going to get it the next day), they found a 6-pack in the front seat. I told them that I was driving and he was drinking because I was the one that was underage. I was 18. I got a $30 ticket for Failure to Maintain Control of my vehicle.
(actually, I've owned another Mustang since I wrote that, a 2005 mustang. Loved it, until I slid it off the side of a telephone poll. Then I realized maybe Mustangs just arn't made for me, even if it's no me that crash them.)
I used to get paid quarters for getting beers for the guys when I was 4-5yrs old. I remember sitting on the porch and counting my quarters one morning, and thinking I was rich because I had $2 in quarters.
When I was about 6, I went out hunting with my step-dad and his friends. I kept complaining that I was thristy, so they gave me a glass with some clear liquid in it that looked like water. I grabbed in and chugged it down, and then started crying because it burned. They gave me vodka. They said I was very drunk after that, and laughed. I don't remember this incident, I wonder why.
I had a poem published in a book when I was 11, and was really proud until I found out there were 400,000 (slight exageration) other poems in the same book. I felt cheated. They wanted me to buy the book for $65, and I couldn't afford it. They just wanted 400,000 people to give them $65. Bastards!
I love teaching my daughter new things, and watching her do them when I'm not expecting it.
----
I guess I still have a pretty good gauge on myself.
I just found my old Top 100, and here are the entries that are still applicable:
I used to think it was cool to shoot chemicals through my veins.
I spent 8 months in treatment for it.
I am still recovering from treatment.
I like to watch Veggie Tales more than my daughter.
I can't stand people that act like me. I like to be selfish, controlling, and spoiled all on my own.
I never wear sandals without painted toenails. I think my feet are ugly otherwise.
I got sick once when I was 6 yrs old eatting an enitre container of maraschino cherries. I don't eat them very often anymore.
I met my husband through ICQ.
I have pretty nipples. I have always been proud of them ;)
I am 22 years old, but I feel 30.
When asked what my age was by a doctor, it took me about a minute to figure it out. He thought it was funny, I felt like an idiot.
I have a pugged nose. My husband says it's "cute", I think it's my mom's way of genetic torture.
My sister used to pull her nose up with her finger and make fun of my nose. She has scarred me for life. I have yet to speak with my therapist about this issue.
I smoke too much.
I usually only smoke pot when I'm drunk. Otherwise it makes me feel weird. That is the only drug I do.
I love to take pictures. Someday I will have a house with a nice darkroom.
I hate the fact that my daugher has inherited my stubborn attitude.
When I was trying to decide a good name for my daughter, I chose one that sounded good when yelled...."Mikayla Lynn!"
I analyze things alot, especially when I'm drunk.
I think I have alot of good insights and points of view (especially when I'm drunk). I just have a hard time saying them (especially when I'm drunk).
I believe that some drugs can take you to a higher mental plain.
I love music, it's an excellent form of expression.
Sometimes music controlls my mood. (ie. when I listen to sad music it makes me sad, when I listen to happy music it makes me happy, when I listen to morbid music it makes me evil)
I am afraid of the dark. I have to have a nightlight in everyroom.
I scheduled my wedding around an astrological chart, giving me the best days for marriage.
I died my hair black once. I tried to get the black color out of my hair by using real bleach. A lot of the black changed to various shades of brown and blonde, but unfortunately half my hair fell out.
My eyes are two different colors, left one is green, right one is brown. The green one changes between brown and green. Thats my flippy side.
I have very strange dreams and I usually remember them, although I can't even begin to understand my own mind.
I don't like to sleep on my back. I prefer sleeping on my tummy.
I believe we are being screwed out of our rights by the government, but I don't know what to do about it.
I believe we are connected to a higher energy (God), but I don't believe in traditional religion. Although I do support most religions, because they are striving for that basic need for God. Sometimes I think that religions could all have merit ( and be related ), in their own ways. Maybe I will study this someday.
I know that I am smart, I just like people to think that I am not so I can outwit them.
I have a very deceptive side.
I like to organize things for some reason. I don't know why.
I like to organize things for some reason. I don't know why.
I have been told I have a bad co-dependency problem, but I don't understand what they mean.........where's noah? Noah?!
I have a big heart, and my body is getting bigger to accomodate.
I have slept with more guys than I can remember, yet I have a husband who was a virgin before I met him. He doesn't think I'm a slut. He understands that I have open leg sydrome. He calls me his muse.
I was raped once when I was 15 by a friend of my step-dad's.
I blame my promiscuous streak on the fact that I was violated and I wanted my sexual control back. No wonder I married a virgin, eh? haha
I have always had long, flimsy fingernails. I wish they would get stronger, but I don't drink enough milk.
I put a telephone in my name for a friend who was being beaten by her boyfriend and couldn't afford a phone. A week later, I was hanging out with her while my boyfriend was at the bar. While I was in the shower at their house, my boyfriend came in the bathroom and through the shower curtain to bite me in the arm. I guess it's better then being punched the face. He did it because he swore I was having sex with her and her beating ass boyfriend. We had a big fight, and he bit a chunk out of my arm. I wasn't allowed to talk to her anymore. He made me shut the phone off without tell her. I don't know what happened to her, and the bill has never been paid.
I used to hate people who drove around and talked on cell phones, until I got one of my own.
I have lived in Indiana for 9 months and in west Texas for 4 months.
I have a hard time telling people I am sorry. It is easier for me to end the relationship than to admit when I'm wrong.
I like it when I am talked dirty to.
The first kinky thing I have ever done with my husband involved peanut butter.
I have always wanted a big fuzzy teddybear to cuddle with, but I have never gotten one.
I pierced my nose 3 different times by myself, but have since taken out the ring. I still have a small scar.
I have a tatoo on my leg of a rose that was done by someone who had been up for a few days on crank. I got it when I was 18. He used a homemade tatoo gun, and went over it 10 times. It doesn't look too bad, and I am lucky that I didn't contract HIV, thank God!
I had a boyfriend that died when I was 16. His death is what made me fell justified to get into drugs as bad as I did. His mom was the drug dealer.
I would like to have more children, but don't know if I can handle anymore right now. My husband and I have decided to let God choose, whoever that is.
I have owned 2 Mustangs, one was a 1985 LX and the other was a 1992 LX 5.0. The 5.0 got totalled when I was drunk and let the sober guy drive. I didn't even get to wreck my own car.
When the cops found the car in a ditch on a country road (I was going to get it the next day), they found a 6-pack in the front seat. I told them that I was driving and he was drinking because I was the one that was underage. I was 18. I got a $30 ticket for Failure to Maintain Control of my vehicle.
(actually, I've owned another Mustang since I wrote that, a 2005 mustang. Loved it, until I slid it off the side of a telephone poll. Then I realized maybe Mustangs just arn't made for me, even if it's no me that crash them.)
I used to get paid quarters for getting beers for the guys when I was 4-5yrs old. I remember sitting on the porch and counting my quarters one morning, and thinking I was rich because I had $2 in quarters.
When I was about 6, I went out hunting with my step-dad and his friends. I kept complaining that I was thristy, so they gave me a glass with some clear liquid in it that looked like water. I grabbed in and chugged it down, and then started crying because it burned. They gave me vodka. They said I was very drunk after that, and laughed. I don't remember this incident, I wonder why.
I had a poem published in a book when I was 11, and was really proud until I found out there were 400,000 (slight exageration) other poems in the same book. I felt cheated. They wanted me to buy the book for $65, and I couldn't afford it. They just wanted 400,000 people to give them $65. Bastards!
I love teaching my daughter new things, and watching her do them when I'm not expecting it.
----
I guess I still have a pretty good gauge on myself.
Am I the only on unable to sleep due to the upcoming holiday? It's like I have all these responsibilities and I'm so flipping scared. I don't know what to do. I don't want to sleep because I know it will only bring the inevitable. More shit to worry about, more reasons why I'm wrong. When I know I'm not wrong. I know too much to be wrong.
When I sat in the bathtub of my sisters house and she seen the bruises on my chest, she knew I wasn't wrong. Even though the rest of my family somehow thinks either I wanted it or deserved it.
When I was sixteen and drunk as shit, my step-sis gave me a line of crank in her bathroom. It was initiation I guess, cause I got the first line. It was cut up on the toilet in the bathroom on a paper folder. Being drunk, I snorted my line, and as I moved to get up as the chemicals drained down my nostrils, I knocked everyone else's lines of crank on floor. Even then, unbeknownst to me, I wasn't wrong. Although I still feel like an ass about it.
I can't believe that it's 5:13 am on Christmas Eve (not Christmas Day, get it right), and I'm thinking about this shit. Something is really bothering me.
I hate mornings. Especially mornings where I have to pretend that the past is so damn great. Cause it really wasn't. It's been hard getting to where I am now. I don't hold my family or anyone else responsible, it's just life. But it's important enough to be acknowledged nonetheless. Stop pretending it's so pretty. Stop hiding behind some Christmas tree or some gift, or some flag even.
edit....
I think I know what's bothering me. It's been kinda plain as day, for a little while, but I don't even know how to begin to bring it back up. It really bothers me, and pisses me the fuck off.
but I have to talk about how I got raped.
THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME! Why don't they believe me?????
I was 15 years old! Why the fuck would I run from the flimsy foundation of my stepdads house....
Maybe moreso, why the fuck didn't anybody care? Why didn't anyone fight for me??
Jimmy did when he seen that I shooting up. JR punched the guy that raped me, two years too late. I know he knew when it happened, but apparently he didn't believe it. Most didn't.
Except for L, because she was the one I called the very next day, crying, too afraid to walk out of my bedroom to go pee because HE might be out there.
L was the only one that cared.
She saw the bruises. No one else saw them. I screwed up when I forgot to lock the bathroom door before she brought me a towel.
Thinking back on it now...I wish I would have displayed my bruised chest for all to see. That was my only evidence, and because I hid it, no one will ever see it for themselves.
At the time, and even now, it's so much easier to run away.
When I sat in the bathtub of my sisters house and she seen the bruises on my chest, she knew I wasn't wrong. Even though the rest of my family somehow thinks either I wanted it or deserved it.
When I was sixteen and drunk as shit, my step-sis gave me a line of crank in her bathroom. It was initiation I guess, cause I got the first line. It was cut up on the toilet in the bathroom on a paper folder. Being drunk, I snorted my line, and as I moved to get up as the chemicals drained down my nostrils, I knocked everyone else's lines of crank on floor. Even then, unbeknownst to me, I wasn't wrong. Although I still feel like an ass about it.
I can't believe that it's 5:13 am on Christmas Eve (not Christmas Day, get it right), and I'm thinking about this shit. Something is really bothering me.
I hate mornings. Especially mornings where I have to pretend that the past is so damn great. Cause it really wasn't. It's been hard getting to where I am now. I don't hold my family or anyone else responsible, it's just life. But it's important enough to be acknowledged nonetheless. Stop pretending it's so pretty. Stop hiding behind some Christmas tree or some gift, or some flag even.
edit....
I think I know what's bothering me. It's been kinda plain as day, for a little while, but I don't even know how to begin to bring it back up. It really bothers me, and pisses me the fuck off.
but I have to talk about how I got raped.
THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME! Why don't they believe me?????
I was 15 years old! Why the fuck would I run from the flimsy foundation of my stepdads house....
Maybe moreso, why the fuck didn't anybody care? Why didn't anyone fight for me??
Jimmy did when he seen that I shooting up. JR punched the guy that raped me, two years too late. I know he knew when it happened, but apparently he didn't believe it. Most didn't.
Except for L, because she was the one I called the very next day, crying, too afraid to walk out of my bedroom to go pee because HE might be out there.
L was the only one that cared.
She saw the bruises. No one else saw them. I screwed up when I forgot to lock the bathroom door before she brought me a towel.
Thinking back on it now...I wish I would have displayed my bruised chest for all to see. That was my only evidence, and because I hid it, no one will ever see it for themselves.
At the time, and even now, it's so much easier to run away.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Fighting the forces, Kanye West's mom recently died from plastic surgery. She probably wouldn't have even been able to get plastic surgery if Kanye didn't make it big in the industry. I cannot image how Kanye is feeling now, it's really sad and horrible. He's not in anyway responsible, but I don't doubt for a second that he feels that he is.
And the more even sad and horrible part is that music producers and really shitty fans are asking "How strong are you now?". Music producers are asking that because they don't give a shit about his life, they just want to know how marketable he is. They worry way fucked up shit like "I hope your mom doesn't hurt your visual appearance."
And maybe thats a good thing. Because it has and it will make him stronger. But I could never deal with my mom dying and the shit people are saying.
Let this make you stronger, Kanye. Fuck them.
And the more even sad and horrible part is that music producers and really shitty fans are asking "How strong are you now?". Music producers are asking that because they don't give a shit about his life, they just want to know how marketable he is. They worry way fucked up shit like "I hope your mom doesn't hurt your visual appearance."
And maybe thats a good thing. Because it has and it will make him stronger. But I could never deal with my mom dying and the shit people are saying.
Let this make you stronger, Kanye. Fuck them.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
The human race suffers from a serious communication problem.
Not only don't we understand one another in the same country (rednecks vs yankees, you versus the part of the country you aren't too fond of....lol), we fail to understand the other peoples in our world. And if we don't understand them, we loathe them. They are less.
Even those who we think are more 'well off' then we are, we dislike. It's human nature to reject what we ain't comfortable with. Doesn't matter if it's up down, left, right, or softened vs crumbly cream cheese.
Imagine an ant hill with a communication problem. Hell, watch an ant hill, and you'll realize they MUST have an education problem...(due to a lack of memory, I'm sure). If anything a big fucking YOU is disturbing their reality of UFO's, or at the very least, demoralizing their line of "troops" because not only are they trying to relay back to "homebase" that they don't want to die, but also that they don't even know what death is, much less getting stomped on or sun-magnified by a human, whatever a human is.
Not only don't we understand one another in the same country (rednecks vs yankees, you versus the part of the country you aren't too fond of....lol), we fail to understand the other peoples in our world. And if we don't understand them, we loathe them. They are less.
Even those who we think are more 'well off' then we are, we dislike. It's human nature to reject what we ain't comfortable with. Doesn't matter if it's up down, left, right, or softened vs crumbly cream cheese.
Imagine an ant hill with a communication problem. Hell, watch an ant hill, and you'll realize they MUST have an education problem...(due to a lack of memory, I'm sure). If anything a big fucking YOU is disturbing their reality of UFO's, or at the very least, demoralizing their line of "troops" because not only are they trying to relay back to "homebase" that they don't want to die, but also that they don't even know what death is, much less getting stomped on or sun-magnified by a human, whatever a human is.
Friday, September 21, 2007
I cannot believe after 4 years this blog still exists! Wow, it's cool to have all my old archives again. Or maybe not...I can't remember what I wrote...lol
Anywho....just to update real quick. I will be posting here again since I've gotten rid of the drunkphilosophy.com site. Lots going on and lots to talk about. Mikaya is now almost 6 years old and in kindergarten...amazing how time flys!
It's good to be back. I will post more soon, but I have to work on cleaning the HELL out of my house. We're looking at selling it and moving into an organic mini-farm! Chickens and EVERYTHING! *giddy*
Anywho....just to update real quick. I will be posting here again since I've gotten rid of the drunkphilosophy.com site. Lots going on and lots to talk about. Mikaya is now almost 6 years old and in kindergarten...amazing how time flys!
It's good to be back. I will post more soon, but I have to work on cleaning the HELL out of my house. We're looking at selling it and moving into an organic mini-farm! Chickens and EVERYTHING! *giddy*
Monday, January 06, 2003
Friday, January 03, 2003
Life is a dull splat of irritation
These days, I seem to wane under the validity of my own amusement. Speckles of sun, from deep in the sky, cower down on me as if laughing at my degredation. And amidst all this valuptious scheduling, I have no fuckin idea what is going on. Nor have I the conotation of my own cerebrial impulses. Lest thee be forbidden to ride the electrifying web of calibration, thy multon brain be beqwethed to the depths of a spellchecker.
Thankyou, please come again.
These days, I seem to wane under the validity of my own amusement. Speckles of sun, from deep in the sky, cower down on me as if laughing at my degredation. And amidst all this valuptious scheduling, I have no fuckin idea what is going on. Nor have I the conotation of my own cerebrial impulses. Lest thee be forbidden to ride the electrifying web of calibration, thy multon brain be beqwethed to the depths of a spellchecker.
Thankyou, please come again.
Thursday, January 02, 2003
Trying to Recover
Last night was crazy. We went out with Noah's sister Amy and her husband, Brian. They are in town from Hawaii for Christmas and New Years, but they are leaving early tomorrow morning. We all went to the bar and rang in the new year by getting stinking drunk. I woke up today with the most killer headache in the world....lol
I know I haven't blogged much lately, I've been working on the new site. Stickysidedown.net. Lana already transferred her blog there. I'm tryin to get everything else done before I do that. I'm not in a big hurry. Probably going to switch from blogger to greymatter because of the comment boxes and the problems I've been having with my archieves.
I'll have to blog about everything later, I'm really tired. My body needs rest.
Last night was crazy. We went out with Noah's sister Amy and her husband, Brian. They are in town from Hawaii for Christmas and New Years, but they are leaving early tomorrow morning. We all went to the bar and rang in the new year by getting stinking drunk. I woke up today with the most killer headache in the world....lol
I know I haven't blogged much lately, I've been working on the new site. Stickysidedown.net. Lana already transferred her blog there. I'm tryin to get everything else done before I do that. I'm not in a big hurry. Probably going to switch from blogger to greymatter because of the comment boxes and the problems I've been having with my archieves.
I'll have to blog about everything later, I'm really tired. My body needs rest.
Tuesday, December 31, 2002
Site is Up!
The blog isn't on there yet, but some other stuff is. This is just a temporary domain until the actual domain registration goes through. I stayed up all night messin with it, and had some strange experiences along the way. I'll have to fill ya in later.
The blog isn't on there yet, but some other stuff is. This is just a temporary domain until the actual domain registration goes through. I stayed up all night messin with it, and had some strange experiences along the way. I'll have to fill ya in later.
Monday, December 30, 2002
Saturday, December 28, 2002
Knowing Me
I was searching for some music to listen to, and I found a cd full of music I used to listen to when I came back from Texas. I was working to get over Eric, and burned a cd of music. I was with noah, but it was still only about 6 months since I left Eric. Eric, and the life that we had together, were hard to get over.
It's almost like an entirely different life, looking back on it now. It's almost like I was more free in spirit at that time then I am now. Maybe not so much free as there was a hell of alot more going on at that time. Maybe since so much was going on, I didn't have a chance to get into my mind and think about all the emotional bullshit so much. Who knows.
We left Portage, Indiana early in the morning, with everything for 3 people packed into a small Ford Ranger, driving non-stop for 22 hours straight to west Texas. Odessa, that was our destination. It was about 3 hours north of El Paso, and prolly about the same from New Mexico. I took lots of pictures of nothing. Road signs, us in the car, crazy stuff. It was a complete thrill. I was 19 years old, on the run from life, and on my way to Texas. We listened to music, watched the daylight and the sceenery change, and smoked lots and lots of weed.
It was just Eric, Daniel (his friend), and I. Eric was 28, and had lived in Odessa, Texas for a few years before he met me, that is where he met Daniel. They met up again when we were in Indiana, because they were both they were both roofers, and met up there roofing houses after a severe hail storm. Daniel had alot of friends in Texas, and even one that got him a one bedroom house to come back to. And thats where we were headed, to Daniel's house.
We knew we had somewhere to stay, didn't have to worry about that. They were roof/construction guys, they didn't worry about work. And me being female, knew that between two guys (was only with Eric though), I would be taken care of. No worries.
All I wanted to do was fly, and that I did. Met all sorts of people, lived with the excitement, drank the beers, smoked the cigars, and got the t-shirt and cup to go along with it. We made little trip toys out of bread sacks to go along with our acid nights. Drank lots of whine to bring us down to reality. And even had a few nights with the crazy woman next door.
After a while I began to wind down, trying to figure out what hell I'm doing with my life. Getting high everyday was becoming a little mudane, and staying home while the guys when to work, got quite boring.
Eric was a very suspicious character, so I had to get used to explaining everything that happened during the day. That really began to kill the fun. I wasn't going around giving bodily taste tests, I was very commited to Eric. He just didnt' want to believe that.
Even thought I am now happily married, I still believe Eric and I would still be together if he wasn't so jealous and controlling. He had alot of love in his heart, but he had alot of hate there too. The closest ones always pay for the hate.
Eric used to suspicious of Daniel too, especially since he lived in the same house. Suspicious that I was screwing Daniel, yet he always only confronted me about the 'problem'. That got old real quick. After about 4 months, I decided that the relationship wasn't going anywhere.
I took another trip. This time is was home. Iowa. Back to the place I was running from, and yet suddenly I was running back to it.
Before Eric and I moved to Indiana, we were both completely hooked on crank, I was shooting it. So I was going back to the scariest place I could think of going. The people where there, the 'tweek friends'. I was scared that they would find me. Thats prolly one of the big reasons why I stayed with Eric for as long as I did ( a year ). I hadn't done any crank since I had moved to Indiana, I wanted it, yet I didn't, I was fighting and scared.
I came back to Iowa, and I was okay. I hid out at my mom's for a few months, and then I met noah. What i can I say, noah is the calm after the storm. I gave him so much hell before we got married. I fought him for my extreme excitement, but in the end I let him win.
To sum it all up, it's too bad that most of our personal experience is unspeakable. It's that unspeakable truth that makes each of us difference for our own reasons. If you could understand my unspeakable truth, wouldn't you be my best friend, because you could finally relate.
But, if I took the time to tell you, would you get caught in the words I speak, and you understand them as only you could understand them (from your own personal life), and then judge my life because my life wasn't understood (lived) by you?
I was searching for some music to listen to, and I found a cd full of music I used to listen to when I came back from Texas. I was working to get over Eric, and burned a cd of music. I was with noah, but it was still only about 6 months since I left Eric. Eric, and the life that we had together, were hard to get over.
It's almost like an entirely different life, looking back on it now. It's almost like I was more free in spirit at that time then I am now. Maybe not so much free as there was a hell of alot more going on at that time. Maybe since so much was going on, I didn't have a chance to get into my mind and think about all the emotional bullshit so much. Who knows.
We left Portage, Indiana early in the morning, with everything for 3 people packed into a small Ford Ranger, driving non-stop for 22 hours straight to west Texas. Odessa, that was our destination. It was about 3 hours north of El Paso, and prolly about the same from New Mexico. I took lots of pictures of nothing. Road signs, us in the car, crazy stuff. It was a complete thrill. I was 19 years old, on the run from life, and on my way to Texas. We listened to music, watched the daylight and the sceenery change, and smoked lots and lots of weed.
It was just Eric, Daniel (his friend), and I. Eric was 28, and had lived in Odessa, Texas for a few years before he met me, that is where he met Daniel. They met up again when we were in Indiana, because they were both they were both roofers, and met up there roofing houses after a severe hail storm. Daniel had alot of friends in Texas, and even one that got him a one bedroom house to come back to. And thats where we were headed, to Daniel's house.
We knew we had somewhere to stay, didn't have to worry about that. They were roof/construction guys, they didn't worry about work. And me being female, knew that between two guys (was only with Eric though), I would be taken care of. No worries.
All I wanted to do was fly, and that I did. Met all sorts of people, lived with the excitement, drank the beers, smoked the cigars, and got the t-shirt and cup to go along with it. We made little trip toys out of bread sacks to go along with our acid nights. Drank lots of whine to bring us down to reality. And even had a few nights with the crazy woman next door.
After a while I began to wind down, trying to figure out what hell I'm doing with my life. Getting high everyday was becoming a little mudane, and staying home while the guys when to work, got quite boring.
Eric was a very suspicious character, so I had to get used to explaining everything that happened during the day. That really began to kill the fun. I wasn't going around giving bodily taste tests, I was very commited to Eric. He just didnt' want to believe that.
Even thought I am now happily married, I still believe Eric and I would still be together if he wasn't so jealous and controlling. He had alot of love in his heart, but he had alot of hate there too. The closest ones always pay for the hate.
Eric used to suspicious of Daniel too, especially since he lived in the same house. Suspicious that I was screwing Daniel, yet he always only confronted me about the 'problem'. That got old real quick. After about 4 months, I decided that the relationship wasn't going anywhere.
I took another trip. This time is was home. Iowa. Back to the place I was running from, and yet suddenly I was running back to it.
Before Eric and I moved to Indiana, we were both completely hooked on crank, I was shooting it. So I was going back to the scariest place I could think of going. The people where there, the 'tweek friends'. I was scared that they would find me. Thats prolly one of the big reasons why I stayed with Eric for as long as I did ( a year ). I hadn't done any crank since I had moved to Indiana, I wanted it, yet I didn't, I was fighting and scared.
I came back to Iowa, and I was okay. I hid out at my mom's for a few months, and then I met noah. What i can I say, noah is the calm after the storm. I gave him so much hell before we got married. I fought him for my extreme excitement, but in the end I let him win.
To sum it all up, it's too bad that most of our personal experience is unspeakable. It's that unspeakable truth that makes each of us difference for our own reasons. If you could understand my unspeakable truth, wouldn't you be my best friend, because you could finally relate.
But, if I took the time to tell you, would you get caught in the words I speak, and you understand them as only you could understand them (from your own personal life), and then judge my life because my life wasn't understood (lived) by you?
Friday, December 27, 2002
Long Icq Converation with a Brazillian Guy
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: hi
Lindsey: me's playin wormz
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: ok
Lindsey: u play wormz?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: no...
Lindsey: lol
Lindsey: whatcha play?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: lol o caray
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: nothing
Lindsey: poor poor shawn
Lindsey: lol
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: lol o caray
Lindsey: me's gettin drunk gettin my ass kicked
Lindsey: what the hell does that mean?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: lol... nothing
Lindsey: okie
Lindsey: you ever get an email addy?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: no
Lindsey: get on the net and make one dammit
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: i won´t
Lindsey: why not?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: eu num to afim
Lindsey: uh huh
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: c num intede essas bosta q eu to falanu mesmo!! intao!! vai t fude!!
Lindsey: lol
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: lol orra nenhuma
Lindsey: mes have no idear what you'z be's a sayin
Lindsey: what the hell do you do mr brazillian?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: i hate USA
Lindsey: do you live here?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: no
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: and u?
Lindsey: then why the hell did you msg me if you hate usa?
Lindsey: I live in space, didn't ya know
Lindsey: they call me floaty bee
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: what?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: ok...
Lindsey: life is corrupt, isn't it?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: no
Lindsey: well, how is your life doing?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: my life is skatebording
Lindsey: you good?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: yeah....
Lindsey: can you do the 900?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: no....
Lindsey: thats too bad.......hehe
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: and you? what do u do?
Lindsey: I make web pages and raise my daughter and drink beer and smoke weed and live life and make money and be happy :)
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: i hate all
Lindsey: you really shouldn't
Lindsey: just pick one thing and hate that
Lindsey: that works for me
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: yeah...
Lindsey: so whats up with hating all ?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: what do u thing about brasil?
Lindsey: I don't know......the only thing I know about brazil is I think you speak spanish and that if you are running from the law you won't be extradited from there
Lindsey: oh yeah, and it's hot and humid
Lindsey: and another thing, you got hot chics
Lindsey: nice tan maybe?
Lindsey: so whats it really like?>
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: if you are running from the law you won't be extradited from there???
Lindsey: if you are a usa citizen, and you are running from the law (in the usa), you run to brazil and the brazillian government wont' send up back to the usa to be punished
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: ok....
Lindsey: brazil is freedom to a fugitive
Lindsey: lol
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: bullshit
Lindsey: so tell me what it's like
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: brazilian is a country where have much unlike social cuz here have muck currupition, and USA help to do this
Lindsey: I did not know this, how?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: corrupition!!
Lindsey: how?
Lindsey: when?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: USA explora so much Brazil
Lindsey: what do we explore?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: our florest
Lindsey: so we're destroying brazil?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: a litle.... do you know anything about ALCA?
Lindsey: no.....what is it?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: mean Americas free comercy zone
Lindsey: so that means we can buy and sell freely without having to go through all sorts of shit.....like dont' have to listen to any laws or something?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: yeah... and USA is more prepered for this, do u agree?
Lindsey: I agree that usa prolly 'goes between the lines' of laws or rules that are set between countries......very much politcal bullshit
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: thats
Lindsey: ?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: that´s rigth
Lindsey: I do not agree with alot of the usa policies that are set between countries, but we are really not given much of a way to change what they do, we are allowed to vote and protest....thats it
Lindsey: and even if we protest, most people don't want to listen
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: i not agre with u
Lindsey: why not?
Lindsey: they have our hands tied, if we protest too much, they are makin laws to take away our rights as we speak, this is what our new president is doing behind our backs
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: cuz USA want to be more and more rich.... this with the rich of the poor countrys
Lindsey: yes, I agree, usa is mighty greedy, but not all of them
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: yeah
Lindsey: you have brought up something I have been thinking alot about lately, we in the usa are fortunate to have what we have right now. But I strongly agree that our current president is going to fuck us
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: fuck my people?
Lindsey: no, me, usa citizen
Lindsey: if you hate the usa, I'm sure you prolly don't mind
Lindsey: but I do
Lindsey: I wish we could all make things work, as a whole, but government and politics always get in the way
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: soh
Lindsey: right now on our news we see things about getting ready to attack iraq, bombings in chechnya, russia, the whole thing with North Korea, all about war. Sometimes i wonder if our president wants to take over the world
Lindsey: never hear anything about brazil, thats for sure
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: oks
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: how old are u?
Lindsey: 22
Lindsey: u?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: 16
Lindsey: I like debating with you
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: why?
Lindsey: you make me think
Lindsey: how did you learn english? is it a second language?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: sure... in world happen many things that the people don´t know.... antil about own country....
Lindsey: keep me informed, the media sure doesn't say anything good anymore
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: the media say only about the people sure have to know.... the thing that the goverment want to pass
Lindsey: yeah, the government seems to rule all
Lindsey: I don't like to government
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: i too..... (my english is very bad) can u understand that?
Lindsey: I understand you
Lindsey: If I dont' I will let you know
Lindsey: you have been speaking really good so far
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: now... i´m leaving;.. keep thinking!!
Lindsey: hehe
Lindsey: okay :)
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: hehehe......
----------------------------------------------
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: hi
Lindsey: me's playin wormz
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: ok
Lindsey: u play wormz?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: no...
Lindsey: lol
Lindsey: whatcha play?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: lol o caray
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: nothing
Lindsey: poor poor shawn
Lindsey: lol
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: lol o caray
Lindsey: me's gettin drunk gettin my ass kicked
Lindsey: what the hell does that mean?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: lol... nothing
Lindsey: okie
Lindsey: you ever get an email addy?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: no
Lindsey: get on the net and make one dammit
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: i won´t
Lindsey: why not?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: eu num to afim
Lindsey: uh huh
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: c num intede essas bosta q eu to falanu mesmo!! intao!! vai t fude!!
Lindsey: lol
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: lol orra nenhuma
Lindsey: mes have no idear what you'z be's a sayin
Lindsey: what the hell do you do mr brazillian?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: i hate USA
Lindsey: do you live here?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: no
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: and u?
Lindsey: then why the hell did you msg me if you hate usa?
Lindsey: I live in space, didn't ya know
Lindsey: they call me floaty bee
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: what?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: ok...
Lindsey: life is corrupt, isn't it?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: no
Lindsey: well, how is your life doing?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: my life is skatebording
Lindsey: you good?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: yeah....
Lindsey: can you do the 900?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: no....
Lindsey: thats too bad.......hehe
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: and you? what do u do?
Lindsey: I make web pages and raise my daughter and drink beer and smoke weed and live life and make money and be happy :)
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: i hate all
Lindsey: you really shouldn't
Lindsey: just pick one thing and hate that
Lindsey: that works for me
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: yeah...
Lindsey: so whats up with hating all ?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: what do u thing about brasil?
Lindsey: I don't know......the only thing I know about brazil is I think you speak spanish and that if you are running from the law you won't be extradited from there
Lindsey: oh yeah, and it's hot and humid
Lindsey: and another thing, you got hot chics
Lindsey: nice tan maybe?
Lindsey: so whats it really like?>
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: if you are running from the law you won't be extradited from there???
Lindsey: if you are a usa citizen, and you are running from the law (in the usa), you run to brazil and the brazillian government wont' send up back to the usa to be punished
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: ok....
Lindsey: brazil is freedom to a fugitive
Lindsey: lol
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: bullshit
Lindsey: so tell me what it's like
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: brazilian is a country where have much unlike social cuz here have muck currupition, and USA help to do this
Lindsey: I did not know this, how?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: corrupition!!
Lindsey: how?
Lindsey: when?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: USA explora so much Brazil
Lindsey: what do we explore?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: our florest
Lindsey: so we're destroying brazil?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: a litle.... do you know anything about ALCA?
Lindsey: no.....what is it?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: mean Americas free comercy zone
Lindsey: so that means we can buy and sell freely without having to go through all sorts of shit.....like dont' have to listen to any laws or something?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: yeah... and USA is more prepered for this, do u agree?
Lindsey: I agree that usa prolly 'goes between the lines' of laws or rules that are set between countries......very much politcal bullshit
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: thats
Lindsey: ?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: that´s rigth
Lindsey: I do not agree with alot of the usa policies that are set between countries, but we are really not given much of a way to change what they do, we are allowed to vote and protest....thats it
Lindsey: and even if we protest, most people don't want to listen
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: i not agre with u
Lindsey: why not?
Lindsey: they have our hands tied, if we protest too much, they are makin laws to take away our rights as we speak, this is what our new president is doing behind our backs
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: cuz USA want to be more and more rich.... this with the rich of the poor countrys
Lindsey: yes, I agree, usa is mighty greedy, but not all of them
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: yeah
Lindsey: you have brought up something I have been thinking alot about lately, we in the usa are fortunate to have what we have right now. But I strongly agree that our current president is going to fuck us
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: fuck my people?
Lindsey: no, me, usa citizen
Lindsey: if you hate the usa, I'm sure you prolly don't mind
Lindsey: but I do
Lindsey: I wish we could all make things work, as a whole, but government and politics always get in the way
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: soh
Lindsey: right now on our news we see things about getting ready to attack iraq, bombings in chechnya, russia, the whole thing with North Korea, all about war. Sometimes i wonder if our president wants to take over the world
Lindsey: never hear anything about brazil, thats for sure
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: oks
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: how old are u?
Lindsey: 22
Lindsey: u?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: 16
Lindsey: I like debating with you
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: why?
Lindsey: you make me think
Lindsey: how did you learn english? is it a second language?
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: sure... in world happen many things that the people don´t know.... antil about own country....
Lindsey: keep me informed, the media sure doesn't say anything good anymore
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: the media say only about the people sure have to know.... the thing that the goverment want to pass
Lindsey: yeah, the government seems to rule all
Lindsey: I don't like to government
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: i too..... (my english is very bad) can u understand that?
Lindsey: I understand you
Lindsey: If I dont' I will let you know
Lindsey: you have been speaking really good so far
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: now... i´m leaving;.. keep thinking!!
Lindsey: hehe
Lindsey: okay :)
-|-Shawn-|- o| ):: hehehe......
----------------------------------------------
Thursday, December 26, 2002
Annessa Got Me......ugh!
Heh heh. I balled you! (uhhhh huhuhuh) Join the Snowball War of 2002!
--------------------------
Heh heh. I balled you! (uhhhh huhuhuh) Join the Snowball War of 2002!
--------------------------
Awesome Christmas
Warning: This is really long
I have had the most awesome Christmas this year. And it's funny because I didn't really have much of the Christmas spirit until sometime the night of Christmas Eve. This is how it went:
After Noah got off work on Christmas Eve, we headed down to his parents house. His parents have a pretty good sized house, so lots of family comes from out of town and stay there for Christmas. And this year, that also included noah's sister and her husband who live in Hawaii. I was pretty excited to see them and find about how things have been going for them . They have only been living in Hawaii for about a year now, and before that they lived in Oklahoma.
His Aunt Alice and Uncle Larry were there also. They are a couple of the most huggy, loveable people in the world, which can be kind of annoying at times, but is fairly enjoyable most of the time. Mikayla loved having Larry hold her and walk around with her. I'm pretty sure it was because he's a pretty tall guy and she liked the view......hehe
As a matter of fact, Mikayla was pretty much the social butterfly that night. She didn't have a problem being passed around to everyone like we were affraid that she might, considering that most of these people she doesn't see very often. She wanted to be passed around, reaching for other people as they got close, as if to say "you pick me up". She was in a really good mood, only getting a little crabby as the night got late.
We had a really nice dinner with some ham, ribs, potato salad, and rolls. Not a whole lot of variety, but it was really good food so it didn't matter. After we ate, we all sat down in the livingroom where we exchanged gifts. Noah's sister Amy (from Hawaii) played Santa and passed the gifts around. Mikayla wondered around the livingroom, and whoever she was closest to when it was her turn, helped her unwrap the gift. I loved having everyone be so warm and sweet to mikayla, as if she was their own child. Two of the ladies that were there, including Alice, have never been able to have children, so I'm sure that could be one reason why they are so close to her, besides the fact that they are family.
Mikayla got some really cute Winnie the Pooh (not more winnie the pooh......aaaaaahhhhh......lol) and Elmo toys. She got some more clothes and lots of kisses :)
I got a couple of really nice sweaters and a cute renesance (however you spell that) type shirt. I also recieved some really neat stuff to decorate the house with, like a mini wooden bench to sit some stuffed teddy bears on. I'll have to take a picture of it and post it sometime. Noah got some WWII stuff (he's really into world war II), a couple of books about tanks and anti-tank weapons and stuff. He also got some shirts and a couple of really nice dragon figurines. We still haven't decided where to put the dragons, we really don't have any room or any shelves to put them on. They might have to be stored away until we get a house. :(
As the night went on, some of us drank beers and chatted, others ran off in the other room to mess with a computer (not naming any names here....lol), but it went really good. Got to talk to everyone and find out what was going on in their life. Even got Noah's dad to talk a little bit about the Navy.
He was in the Navy during the Vietnam War, but he doesn't talk about it. Noah was surprised when he brought it up. It wasn't like he came out and started going off on all these stories, but he did say a few things. Which, from what I hear, is a lot more than noah has ever heard him say.
We decided to leave around midnight, considering that Mikayla had not been to sleep yet and that we had to get up at 6am to get to my sister Lana's and unwrap gifts. So we packed Mikayla and gifts up, and headed home. The drive usually takes a little under an hour, because we live a little bit of a distance away from his parents house. It's a pretty smooth drive because it's all interstate, about 70mph.
We were probably about 20 minutes away from home when the car started to shake pretty bad. Noah slowed down, and I told him to pull off to the side of the road because it felt like it was a flat tire. As soon as we stopped I hopped out and smelt the burn rubber. Yup, it was a flat tire, on Christmas Eve, at 12:30 in the morning. So the adventure began....lol
Well, it wasn't really that much of an adventure, but it wasn't all bad either. Noah didn't want to bother with changing the tire, considering that we had a membership to AAA that would come out and do it for us. He gave them a call, and they said they would call him back. Within 5 minutes, a police officer pulled up behind us. We got out to tell the officer that we had a flat and that AAA was going to come out and fix it. He told us that he would call someone and that they would get there faster.
The officer stayed behind us the whole time we were on the side of the road. He wanted to make sure that there wasn't any drunk drivers or whoever come along and slam into us. He was really nice, and had someone out to fix the tire in prolly 20 mins from when he first showed up.
The neat thing about the whole event wasn't the blown tire (certainly not), or even the extremely nice police officer. While we were out there waiting for the tow truck guy to come fix the tire, it began to snow. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself, as if God had his own way of telling us Merry Christmas. It was really neat. Just the three of us, Mikayla sleeping, sitting on the side of the road listening to christmas tunes on the radio, waiting for the tire fixer guy to come. It was peaceful, yet crazy, yet calmingly eerie.
The guy showed up and fixed our tire in about 10 mins. The police officer backed up to do what he called 'traffic control'. It looked to me like he backed up and put on his turn signal to make it look like he was going to try and merge back into traffic to get the oncoming cars to move into the other lane. Either way, he was really nice. I wanted to give him a little seal beanie baby as a thank you/christmas gift, and thank him for being out on christmas eve, but he drove away before I had the chance. Whoever he is, I thank him. :)
We didn't get to sleep until around 2:30, so we didn't get up until a little after 7am. I was scared that Lana's boys were already up, because they really wanted to rip into their gifts (well, maybe caleb more than cameron, caleb's been asking about santa and presents for more than a week.....lol). I called her and she reassured me that they weren't awake yet. So we hurried up and got the gifts loaded in the car, and made it up there around a little after 8am. I assumed that they'd want to rip into the gifts as soon as we got there, but caleb seemed to want to take his gifts one at a time. Just opening one and playing with it and then opening another. So I decided that we should make some breakfast. Noah and I brought up some bacon and sausage and other breakfast foods so everyone could eat. Noah and I cooked up breakfast for everyone. JR, my mom, Lana, Keith, and us. The boys didn't eat eggs, so we didn't make anything for them. As a matter of fact, I can't remember them eatting anything all morning.....hmmmmm.......lol
Anywho, we opened gifts all morning long, little by little. Around 10am, my mom decides that she has a gift she wants to give. So she grabs into her purse and pulls out a small black box and small piece of paper with some writting on it. Everyone kinda hushed and looked at each other. I think we all knew what it was, but didn't know what to say. Can you say SURPRIZE!? She turned to JR, who was laying on the couch next to her (because he is recovering from having the kidney taken out), and she began to cry. She stuggled with reading what she had written, and even stopped a few times because of the tears. It was really quite sweet, the things she was saying. Although I am still trying to figure out why she asked him to 'merge' with her, and not 'marry' her. Oh well, we all understood what she meant. She even made a joke about taxes, saying that she might not want to make it legal because the government penalizes married couples (basically they take more of your money). But I don't think that is going to keep her from marrying him. He has stopped drinkin since the initial accident when he fell out of the tree back in October (I think it was october), and my mom has always said that is why she left him. "His stinkin' drinkin'", she used to say. She has been with him everyday since his accident, so I guess it was just a matter of time before they would get back together for good.
Needless to say, we were all blown away by the proposal. Lana and I both have it on camcorder considering we were taping the kids unwrapping gifts. It will make for a very good memory. It's kinda weird really, when kids whose parents get divorced and they want them to get back together. You think that only the young kids feel that way. But I guess I'm kinda happy like one of those kids would be if there parents were getting re-married again. Granted, my mom and JR never got married to begin with, but they were together, we were all together, from when I was a little baby to when I was about 12. So I guess it was like a divorce, without all the legal crap.
To sum it all up, it was an awesome christmas. Mikayla made out like a bandit, Lana's boys had fun (for the most part....lol), and Noah and I gave and got some really cool stuff. Lana got me a ton of web graphics and 35,000 fonts (don't ask me what the hell I'm gonna do with all of them.......lol), and she got Noah a bunch of games he has really been wanting. I'm still tryin to absorb my mom's marriage proposal to JR, but that will come with time. I'm really happy for them. It's about damn time.....lol
I hope you had a really good Christmas too! And to tell you the truth, I can't believe you made it all the way to the end of this entry!
I'll keep ya posted on how the New Year is rung in. Right now it's looking like we'll prolly be spending it with Noah's sister from Hawaii.
Ta Ta For Now!
Warning: This is really long
I have had the most awesome Christmas this year. And it's funny because I didn't really have much of the Christmas spirit until sometime the night of Christmas Eve. This is how it went:
After Noah got off work on Christmas Eve, we headed down to his parents house. His parents have a pretty good sized house, so lots of family comes from out of town and stay there for Christmas. And this year, that also included noah's sister and her husband who live in Hawaii. I was pretty excited to see them and find about how things have been going for them . They have only been living in Hawaii for about a year now, and before that they lived in Oklahoma.
His Aunt Alice and Uncle Larry were there also. They are a couple of the most huggy, loveable people in the world, which can be kind of annoying at times, but is fairly enjoyable most of the time. Mikayla loved having Larry hold her and walk around with her. I'm pretty sure it was because he's a pretty tall guy and she liked the view......hehe
As a matter of fact, Mikayla was pretty much the social butterfly that night. She didn't have a problem being passed around to everyone like we were affraid that she might, considering that most of these people she doesn't see very often. She wanted to be passed around, reaching for other people as they got close, as if to say "you pick me up". She was in a really good mood, only getting a little crabby as the night got late.
We had a really nice dinner with some ham, ribs, potato salad, and rolls. Not a whole lot of variety, but it was really good food so it didn't matter. After we ate, we all sat down in the livingroom where we exchanged gifts. Noah's sister Amy (from Hawaii) played Santa and passed the gifts around. Mikayla wondered around the livingroom, and whoever she was closest to when it was her turn, helped her unwrap the gift. I loved having everyone be so warm and sweet to mikayla, as if she was their own child. Two of the ladies that were there, including Alice, have never been able to have children, so I'm sure that could be one reason why they are so close to her, besides the fact that they are family.
Mikayla got some really cute Winnie the Pooh (not more winnie the pooh......aaaaaahhhhh......lol) and Elmo toys. She got some more clothes and lots of kisses :)
I got a couple of really nice sweaters and a cute renesance (however you spell that) type shirt. I also recieved some really neat stuff to decorate the house with, like a mini wooden bench to sit some stuffed teddy bears on. I'll have to take a picture of it and post it sometime. Noah got some WWII stuff (he's really into world war II), a couple of books about tanks and anti-tank weapons and stuff. He also got some shirts and a couple of really nice dragon figurines. We still haven't decided where to put the dragons, we really don't have any room or any shelves to put them on. They might have to be stored away until we get a house. :(
As the night went on, some of us drank beers and chatted, others ran off in the other room to mess with a computer (not naming any names here....lol), but it went really good. Got to talk to everyone and find out what was going on in their life. Even got Noah's dad to talk a little bit about the Navy.
He was in the Navy during the Vietnam War, but he doesn't talk about it. Noah was surprised when he brought it up. It wasn't like he came out and started going off on all these stories, but he did say a few things. Which, from what I hear, is a lot more than noah has ever heard him say.
We decided to leave around midnight, considering that Mikayla had not been to sleep yet and that we had to get up at 6am to get to my sister Lana's and unwrap gifts. So we packed Mikayla and gifts up, and headed home. The drive usually takes a little under an hour, because we live a little bit of a distance away from his parents house. It's a pretty smooth drive because it's all interstate, about 70mph.
We were probably about 20 minutes away from home when the car started to shake pretty bad. Noah slowed down, and I told him to pull off to the side of the road because it felt like it was a flat tire. As soon as we stopped I hopped out and smelt the burn rubber. Yup, it was a flat tire, on Christmas Eve, at 12:30 in the morning. So the adventure began....lol
Well, it wasn't really that much of an adventure, but it wasn't all bad either. Noah didn't want to bother with changing the tire, considering that we had a membership to AAA that would come out and do it for us. He gave them a call, and they said they would call him back. Within 5 minutes, a police officer pulled up behind us. We got out to tell the officer that we had a flat and that AAA was going to come out and fix it. He told us that he would call someone and that they would get there faster.
The officer stayed behind us the whole time we were on the side of the road. He wanted to make sure that there wasn't any drunk drivers or whoever come along and slam into us. He was really nice, and had someone out to fix the tire in prolly 20 mins from when he first showed up.
The neat thing about the whole event wasn't the blown tire (certainly not), or even the extremely nice police officer. While we were out there waiting for the tow truck guy to come fix the tire, it began to snow. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself, as if God had his own way of telling us Merry Christmas. It was really neat. Just the three of us, Mikayla sleeping, sitting on the side of the road listening to christmas tunes on the radio, waiting for the tire fixer guy to come. It was peaceful, yet crazy, yet calmingly eerie.
The guy showed up and fixed our tire in about 10 mins. The police officer backed up to do what he called 'traffic control'. It looked to me like he backed up and put on his turn signal to make it look like he was going to try and merge back into traffic to get the oncoming cars to move into the other lane. Either way, he was really nice. I wanted to give him a little seal beanie baby as a thank you/christmas gift, and thank him for being out on christmas eve, but he drove away before I had the chance. Whoever he is, I thank him. :)
We didn't get to sleep until around 2:30, so we didn't get up until a little after 7am. I was scared that Lana's boys were already up, because they really wanted to rip into their gifts (well, maybe caleb more than cameron, caleb's been asking about santa and presents for more than a week.....lol). I called her and she reassured me that they weren't awake yet. So we hurried up and got the gifts loaded in the car, and made it up there around a little after 8am. I assumed that they'd want to rip into the gifts as soon as we got there, but caleb seemed to want to take his gifts one at a time. Just opening one and playing with it and then opening another. So I decided that we should make some breakfast. Noah and I brought up some bacon and sausage and other breakfast foods so everyone could eat. Noah and I cooked up breakfast for everyone. JR, my mom, Lana, Keith, and us. The boys didn't eat eggs, so we didn't make anything for them. As a matter of fact, I can't remember them eatting anything all morning.....hmmmmm.......lol
Anywho, we opened gifts all morning long, little by little. Around 10am, my mom decides that she has a gift she wants to give. So she grabs into her purse and pulls out a small black box and small piece of paper with some writting on it. Everyone kinda hushed and looked at each other. I think we all knew what it was, but didn't know what to say. Can you say SURPRIZE!? She turned to JR, who was laying on the couch next to her (because he is recovering from having the kidney taken out), and she began to cry. She stuggled with reading what she had written, and even stopped a few times because of the tears. It was really quite sweet, the things she was saying. Although I am still trying to figure out why she asked him to 'merge' with her, and not 'marry' her. Oh well, we all understood what she meant. She even made a joke about taxes, saying that she might not want to make it legal because the government penalizes married couples (basically they take more of your money). But I don't think that is going to keep her from marrying him. He has stopped drinkin since the initial accident when he fell out of the tree back in October (I think it was october), and my mom has always said that is why she left him. "His stinkin' drinkin'", she used to say. She has been with him everyday since his accident, so I guess it was just a matter of time before they would get back together for good.
Needless to say, we were all blown away by the proposal. Lana and I both have it on camcorder considering we were taping the kids unwrapping gifts. It will make for a very good memory. It's kinda weird really, when kids whose parents get divorced and they want them to get back together. You think that only the young kids feel that way. But I guess I'm kinda happy like one of those kids would be if there parents were getting re-married again. Granted, my mom and JR never got married to begin with, but they were together, we were all together, from when I was a little baby to when I was about 12. So I guess it was like a divorce, without all the legal crap.
To sum it all up, it was an awesome christmas. Mikayla made out like a bandit, Lana's boys had fun (for the most part....lol), and Noah and I gave and got some really cool stuff. Lana got me a ton of web graphics and 35,000 fonts (don't ask me what the hell I'm gonna do with all of them.......lol), and she got Noah a bunch of games he has really been wanting. I'm still tryin to absorb my mom's marriage proposal to JR, but that will come with time. I'm really happy for them. It's about damn time.....lol
I hope you had a really good Christmas too! And to tell you the truth, I can't believe you made it all the way to the end of this entry!
I'll keep ya posted on how the New Year is rung in. Right now it's looking like we'll prolly be spending it with Noah's sister from Hawaii.
Ta Ta For Now!
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
Just an Ordinary Day
It's supposed to be Christmas Eve, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. When I got online to talk to my husband through icq, like I do everyday, he proceeded to tell me about how the people that he works for continues to treat him like shit. His boss decided that Christmas Eve was a good day to tell him that everyone is complaining about him.
He works as a computer guy for the judicial department in our state. He is responsible for 13 counties in Iowa, and that means 13 different courthouses strung about 200 miles in diameter slightly north of where we live. Thats a lot to fix, and lot to keep computers running, and certainly alot of driving. I guess he's getting complaints because he can't fix things in 5 minutes like people want him to, not to mention the fact that he can't teleport there. They say he's not 'very customer service oriented', which basically means he's not a fake, happy, smiling, give you everything thing you want at the exact time you want it, kind of person. I know my husband does everything he can do to keep things working. He is very smart, and very good at his job. But one thing he isn't is the bubbly computer guy traul-uping around with a magic wand granting wishes and making joy. He does his job, he's nice about it, he's not an asshole in anyway, but he's not going to try and sell you on any 'this is a beautiful world' crap. And it seems like thats what everyone wants.
The next complaint that he has been getting is about his apperance. He has long hair and a beard. He even had one judge (who we're sure is one of the complainers), make fun of him, calling him Jesus Chris Superstar. Ha Ha, very funny. Well, it was kinda funny when Noah told me about it, but it really bugged him. He goes to work and it's okay for people to make fun of him? And he's the one getting in trouble??
Noah has even had a complaint about someone seeing his skin when his shirt fell above his belt line while he was under a desk trying to reach some cords. Can you believe that?? That's the most retarded complaint I have ever heard. What's he supposed to do? Glue his shirt to his ass? Atleast he wasn't showing off his buttcrack. Although with all the complaints he's been getting, I almost wish he would have, just to make some of these complaints a little more legitemate.
It's really retarded. Noah does his job, quite well as a matter of fact. And what gives these people the right to put his job (and his family) in jeparody just because there is one thing that irritated them. Do they not have enough backbone to say "hey, can you try to do this a little better", or "this bugs me", or whatever. Talk to him about it. All these things are really minor things. He didn't get a pc installed the day after it was ordered, his hair is a little longer than they like, they don't think he smiles enough, he needs to get a tan. What the fuck ever, get over it. The world doesn't revolve around you stupid people with nothing better to do than to complain. They just love the power of being able to go to his boss and force him to conform to the way they want him. I'm so sick of these people.
And next to that, I'm pissed off at his boss for thinking that Christmas Eve was the best time in the world to tell my husband, "hey, everybody thinks your shit, Merry Christmas". Oh, thats nice. I really wish we had the money to tell all these people to fuck off!
We spent $20 on the lottery, the jackpot is 300 million! I hope we win! If we do, I'm going to personally tell everyone of the people that complained about them that they are a spineless rat, who is so pathetic they have to resort to trying to destroy other peoples lives to try and make their's better.
It's supposed to be Christmas Eve, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. When I got online to talk to my husband through icq, like I do everyday, he proceeded to tell me about how the people that he works for continues to treat him like shit. His boss decided that Christmas Eve was a good day to tell him that everyone is complaining about him.
He works as a computer guy for the judicial department in our state. He is responsible for 13 counties in Iowa, and that means 13 different courthouses strung about 200 miles in diameter slightly north of where we live. Thats a lot to fix, and lot to keep computers running, and certainly alot of driving. I guess he's getting complaints because he can't fix things in 5 minutes like people want him to, not to mention the fact that he can't teleport there. They say he's not 'very customer service oriented', which basically means he's not a fake, happy, smiling, give you everything thing you want at the exact time you want it, kind of person. I know my husband does everything he can do to keep things working. He is very smart, and very good at his job. But one thing he isn't is the bubbly computer guy traul-uping around with a magic wand granting wishes and making joy. He does his job, he's nice about it, he's not an asshole in anyway, but he's not going to try and sell you on any 'this is a beautiful world' crap. And it seems like thats what everyone wants.
The next complaint that he has been getting is about his apperance. He has long hair and a beard. He even had one judge (who we're sure is one of the complainers), make fun of him, calling him Jesus Chris Superstar. Ha Ha, very funny. Well, it was kinda funny when Noah told me about it, but it really bugged him. He goes to work and it's okay for people to make fun of him? And he's the one getting in trouble??
Noah has even had a complaint about someone seeing his skin when his shirt fell above his belt line while he was under a desk trying to reach some cords. Can you believe that?? That's the most retarded complaint I have ever heard. What's he supposed to do? Glue his shirt to his ass? Atleast he wasn't showing off his buttcrack. Although with all the complaints he's been getting, I almost wish he would have, just to make some of these complaints a little more legitemate.
It's really retarded. Noah does his job, quite well as a matter of fact. And what gives these people the right to put his job (and his family) in jeparody just because there is one thing that irritated them. Do they not have enough backbone to say "hey, can you try to do this a little better", or "this bugs me", or whatever. Talk to him about it. All these things are really minor things. He didn't get a pc installed the day after it was ordered, his hair is a little longer than they like, they don't think he smiles enough, he needs to get a tan. What the fuck ever, get over it. The world doesn't revolve around you stupid people with nothing better to do than to complain. They just love the power of being able to go to his boss and force him to conform to the way they want him. I'm so sick of these people.
And next to that, I'm pissed off at his boss for thinking that Christmas Eve was the best time in the world to tell my husband, "hey, everybody thinks your shit, Merry Christmas". Oh, thats nice. I really wish we had the money to tell all these people to fuck off!
We spent $20 on the lottery, the jackpot is 300 million! I hope we win! If we do, I'm going to personally tell everyone of the people that complained about them that they are a spineless rat, who is so pathetic they have to resort to trying to destroy other peoples lives to try and make their's better.
Coffee, Tea, or Should We Feel Your Pregnant Wife’s Breasts Before Throwing You in a Cell at the Airport and Then Lying About Why We Put You There? by Nicholas Monahan
I'm getting a little tired of all the 'security' the government keeps giving us.
I'm getting a little tired of all the 'security' the government keeps giving us.
Monday, December 23, 2002
I'm going to go over to Noah's mom's house today and make christmas cookies and stuff with her. His sister is in town from Hawaii for christmas, and she's gonna be there too. These people are just too happy for me sometimes. I'm sure it will be fun, but I'm also sure I'm going to come home wanting to get drunk......lol
Friday, December 20, 2002
Mating Calls
This is what my husband and I talk about over the internet while he's at work. Very intelligent conversation:
Lindsey: daddy, miki is throwing another fit again
CivGod: why?
Lindsey: I don't think I can handle her, your gonna have to come home and spank mommy
CivGod: LOL
CivGod: *grin*
Lindsey: *chuckle*
CivGod: *oogling*
Lindsey: *snorking*
CivGod: *farking*
Lindsey: *piggling*
CivGod: *wip-dip-doubling*
Lindsey: *scrappy-smarphicing*
CivGod: *mcbarflypuking*
Lindsey: ZLOL
CivGod: hehe
Lindsey: *crappidoddling*
CivGod: *dadlysmoggling*
Lindsey: *iggloogleshna*
CivGod: *pathootinggobble*
Lindsey: *tazmokingdope*
Lindsey: *stripplehappy*
CivGod: *yakizsmoochie*
Lindsey: *smoocheyakfoo*
CivGod: *bangoweevle*
Lindsey: *weevweevbangya*
CivGod: *nukhavenwoogle*
CivGod: LOL
Lindsey: ;P
Intelligence at it's best.
This is what my husband and I talk about over the internet while he's at work. Very intelligent conversation:
Lindsey: daddy, miki is throwing another fit again
CivGod: why?
Lindsey: I don't think I can handle her, your gonna have to come home and spank mommy
CivGod: LOL
CivGod: *grin*
Lindsey: *chuckle*
CivGod: *oogling*
Lindsey: *snorking*
CivGod: *farking*
Lindsey: *piggling*
CivGod: *wip-dip-doubling*
Lindsey: *scrappy-smarphicing*
CivGod: *mcbarflypuking*
Lindsey: ZLOL
CivGod: hehe
Lindsey: *crappidoddling*
CivGod: *dadlysmoggling*
Lindsey: *iggloogleshna*
CivGod: *pathootinggobble*
Lindsey: *tazmokingdope*
Lindsey: *stripplehappy*
CivGod: *yakizsmoochie*
Lindsey: *smoocheyakfoo*
CivGod: *bangoweevle*
Lindsey: *weevweevbangya*
CivGod: *nukhavenwoogle*
CivGod: LOL
Lindsey: ;P
Intelligence at it's best.
Ungrateful
I've been talking to Sheila tonight.
Havent' talked to her in a while.
Mostly because of the little dispute I had with him (her current boyfriend) a few months ago.
I miss my sister tonight, and I told her that. He controls her beyond realism.
I wish he didn't control her dreams, her beauty.
I've been talking to Sheila tonight.
Havent' talked to her in a while.
Mostly because of the little dispute I had with him (her current boyfriend) a few months ago.
I miss my sister tonight, and I told her that. He controls her beyond realism.
I wish he didn't control her dreams, her beauty.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
The Saga Continues...
After I hung up on my mom, she sent me an instant message.......this is the WHOLE conversation:
Mom: are you tere/
Mom: i need you to pay for te bear in te bi blue ouse and set of 4 ideos
Me: make Lana do it, this heartless bitch is busy
Me: that was an extremely unfair comment you made
Mom signed off at 8:33:34 PM
Her keyboard is messed up with cat puke, thats why she can't type. Didn't even bother to apologize or anything. Loving, isn't she?
After I hung up on my mom, she sent me an instant message.......this is the WHOLE conversation:
Mom: are you tere/
Mom: i need you to pay for te bear in te bi blue ouse and set of 4 ideos
Me: make Lana do it, this heartless bitch is busy
Me: that was an extremely unfair comment you made
Mom signed off at 8:33:34 PM
Her keyboard is messed up with cat puke, thats why she can't type. Didn't even bother to apologize or anything. Loving, isn't she?
Gee, Wonderful Support
My mom called me tonight to help her out because her cat threw up on the keyboard of her laptop, and she needed to pay for some ebay stuff. So I got online to go where ever she needed me to go. She must have found out from my sister that I took Dallas to the animal shelter, and she asks me why I did it. I told her because he attacked Mikayla. Then she asked me why I didn't just give Dallas to her. I told her it was because she lets her cats outside (not to mention the fact that she already has 8!), and that Dallas has no front claws. He wouldn't be able to protect himself from other cats if he was attacked, and it would be cruel to let him be mauled and not be able to protect himself. So, she goes on to tell me how heartless I am for taking him to the animal shelter......blah blah blah.
She must not realize that I didn't want to take him in the first place, but I had to. I had no choice. No fuckin choice whatsoever! If he hurt my daughter, she would freak out on me and tell me that I was a horrible mother. She would much rather him get tortured and not be able to take care of himself then to go somewhere that he might have a chance with a new family (without children), or a painless death. I dont' want him to die, but I dont' want him to suffer in numerous cat fights.
If he went to her house, with all her fucking cats, they would hurt him so bad. They all have claws, Dallas DOES NOT! AND SHE THINKS I'M FUCKING HEARTLESS. FUCK HER!! She pisses me the fuck off!
Sorry for all the language, but fuck her fuck her, fuck her!
It's hard enough for me as it is to have to get rid of one of my pets. I was very close to him, I loved the shit right out of him. Does she not understand that?? Does she not give a shit how hard this is for me that she has to make it worse??
Like I said.......fuck her!
My mom called me tonight to help her out because her cat threw up on the keyboard of her laptop, and she needed to pay for some ebay stuff. So I got online to go where ever she needed me to go. She must have found out from my sister that I took Dallas to the animal shelter, and she asks me why I did it. I told her because he attacked Mikayla. Then she asked me why I didn't just give Dallas to her. I told her it was because she lets her cats outside (not to mention the fact that she already has 8!), and that Dallas has no front claws. He wouldn't be able to protect himself from other cats if he was attacked, and it would be cruel to let him be mauled and not be able to protect himself. So, she goes on to tell me how heartless I am for taking him to the animal shelter......blah blah blah.
She must not realize that I didn't want to take him in the first place, but I had to. I had no choice. No fuckin choice whatsoever! If he hurt my daughter, she would freak out on me and tell me that I was a horrible mother. She would much rather him get tortured and not be able to take care of himself then to go somewhere that he might have a chance with a new family (without children), or a painless death. I dont' want him to die, but I dont' want him to suffer in numerous cat fights.
If he went to her house, with all her fucking cats, they would hurt him so bad. They all have claws, Dallas DOES NOT! AND SHE THINKS I'M FUCKING HEARTLESS. FUCK HER!! She pisses me the fuck off!
Sorry for all the language, but fuck her fuck her, fuck her!
It's hard enough for me as it is to have to get rid of one of my pets. I was very close to him, I loved the shit right out of him. Does she not understand that?? Does she not give a shit how hard this is for me that she has to make it worse??
Like I said.......fuck her!
Dallas is Gone
Dallas is our large fuzzy orange kitty. We had to give him back to the animal shelter where we got him from because he has attacked Mikayla 3 times. He never attacked her just to be mean, he was just being playful, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he has left scratches and bite marks on her head. At anyone of those times he could have damaged her eye, or gave her scars for the rest of her life.
I have 3 scars on my face from being attacked by a cat when I was a baby. I don't remember being attacked, I was too young, but I will always have the scars. We just didn't think it was a good idea to keep a cat that could be a danger to our daughter. It does make me sad that we have to get rid of him. He will probably be put to sleep, unless someone without children adopts him. We have another cat, his name is Rio. He's a little grey runt, and he's not a danger to her. He doesn't attack at all. As soon as Noah walked out the door with Dallas in the carrier, Rio came up to me whining. I think he knows whats going on. He will miss Dallas, considering he was just a kitten when he came to live with us, and Dallas was here before him. He has grown up with Dallas, and now Dallas is gone. I feel cold, I don't want him to die. But I can't have him hurting my daughter. I'm sorry Dallas.
Dallas is our large fuzzy orange kitty. We had to give him back to the animal shelter where we got him from because he has attacked Mikayla 3 times. He never attacked her just to be mean, he was just being playful, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he has left scratches and bite marks on her head. At anyone of those times he could have damaged her eye, or gave her scars for the rest of her life.
I have 3 scars on my face from being attacked by a cat when I was a baby. I don't remember being attacked, I was too young, but I will always have the scars. We just didn't think it was a good idea to keep a cat that could be a danger to our daughter. It does make me sad that we have to get rid of him. He will probably be put to sleep, unless someone without children adopts him. We have another cat, his name is Rio. He's a little grey runt, and he's not a danger to her. He doesn't attack at all. As soon as Noah walked out the door with Dallas in the carrier, Rio came up to me whining. I think he knows whats going on. He will miss Dallas, considering he was just a kitten when he came to live with us, and Dallas was here before him. He has grown up with Dallas, and now Dallas is gone. I feel cold, I don't want him to die. But I can't have him hurting my daughter. I'm sorry Dallas.
It Doesn't Feel Alot Like Christmas
It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year. I'm guessing it's all the warm weather. We haven't put up a tree this year, we probably won't. The only tree we have is the fake, anorexic christmas tree we bought from wal-mart last year. We were so ghetto last year we used twist ties to hold the ornaments on the tree. We didn't care, mikayla was only a month old. This year, she would probably get the most enjoyment out of eatting the ornaments. We arn't going to be opening gifts here anyways, so the tree would just be a pain in the ass.
We have been driving around checking out everyone else's christmas lights alot this year. Seems the people in the high priced areas of town are going all out. I'm sure the electric company is enjoying the business, not to mention the wal-mart christmas department. We'll just enjoy at everyone else's expense this year. We can't afford a $300 electric bill.
It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year. I'm guessing it's all the warm weather. We haven't put up a tree this year, we probably won't. The only tree we have is the fake, anorexic christmas tree we bought from wal-mart last year. We were so ghetto last year we used twist ties to hold the ornaments on the tree. We didn't care, mikayla was only a month old. This year, she would probably get the most enjoyment out of eatting the ornaments. We arn't going to be opening gifts here anyways, so the tree would just be a pain in the ass.
We have been driving around checking out everyone else's christmas lights alot this year. Seems the people in the high priced areas of town are going all out. I'm sure the electric company is enjoying the business, not to mention the wal-mart christmas department. We'll just enjoy at everyone else's expense this year. We can't afford a $300 electric bill.
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Another actor is tryin to save the world
Would someone please explain to me why I should believe Sean Penn over the United Nations?? hmmmmmm
Link courtesy of A Small Victory
Would someone please explain to me why I should believe Sean Penn over the United Nations?? hmmmmmm
Link courtesy of A Small Victory
Monday, December 16, 2002
Old Stuff
This is something I wrote when I was 16 years old. I had just spent one week in detox at a local hospital, and was supposed to go three times a week for out-patient treatment. I went for one day, and then I went on the run. This is what I wrote after my first 'fix' while on the run. I was in the back bedroom of an abandoned apartment, my only possesion being my notebook.
-7/7/97-
I have become good at a lot of things; fucking up, coning people out of money, drugs, or whatever I want from them. and disappearing. The drugs make it so fucking easy to forget the important things in my life, like my family (sister, Keith, etc.) and the few good friends I actually had. I say had because they really don't want to be fucked over anymore by me since I have become a junkie. And that’s what I am, a fucking lying, stealing, heartless drug addict junkie. I'm sorry for what I've done, I do have some kind of heart left. Maybe a little distorted, but it's functioning some what.
I don't blame them for giving up on me. Hell, I gave up on me a long time ago. What majorly hurts though, is that I know I'm actually all alone. They aren’t going to be there anymore. Not to listen or give advice and tell me what I'm doing wrong (even though they told me a thousand times and I still didn't listen). No more support whether it be mentally or financially. And most of all, no more love. No tears nor laughter, smiles, jokes, conversations, you name it, it's gone. All because my fucked up mind thinks that it needs drugs to survive. I know that I'm really majorly addicted when I can't stay clean through two whole months of treatment, even though I realize it's something I need.
Why am I such a fucked up, low life, self centered, greedy junkie? At what point did I lose all perception of reality and responsibility to become what I am now? I can't turn back either. They gave me one chance to prove I could do it. Everyone supported me on the good thing, staying sober, getting a job & car, etc. I felt so much love and acceptance, something I missed so very much. But I threw it all away. For the needle I have lost my family, my ability to be trusted and helped out by those that really did give a fuck about me. And to top it all off, I have to hide out from everyone now. I can't call or visit my sister or Keith without them locking me up in some treatment facility somewhere at least 100 or so miles away.
And I think I'm alone now?! HA! Everyone would forget about me, if I got sent away for at least two months and wasn't able to at least call. What use would I be to anyone? Even if I went through with it, I would be more alone when I got out. I'd hate my life so much and probably want to die so bad that I would actually do it. But I don't want to die. Life may not be perfect, but that’s no reason to end it. I feel so lost and lonely. At least for right now I can actually live, maybe not totally happy, but free. If they take the few things I have left in this world, I will want to end it. Please don't let it happen.
----------------------------------------
This is something I wrote when I was 16 years old. I had just spent one week in detox at a local hospital, and was supposed to go three times a week for out-patient treatment. I went for one day, and then I went on the run. This is what I wrote after my first 'fix' while on the run. I was in the back bedroom of an abandoned apartment, my only possesion being my notebook.
-7/7/97-
I have become good at a lot of things; fucking up, coning people out of money, drugs, or whatever I want from them. and disappearing. The drugs make it so fucking easy to forget the important things in my life, like my family (sister, Keith, etc.) and the few good friends I actually had. I say had because they really don't want to be fucked over anymore by me since I have become a junkie. And that’s what I am, a fucking lying, stealing, heartless drug addict junkie. I'm sorry for what I've done, I do have some kind of heart left. Maybe a little distorted, but it's functioning some what.
I don't blame them for giving up on me. Hell, I gave up on me a long time ago. What majorly hurts though, is that I know I'm actually all alone. They aren’t going to be there anymore. Not to listen or give advice and tell me what I'm doing wrong (even though they told me a thousand times and I still didn't listen). No more support whether it be mentally or financially. And most of all, no more love. No tears nor laughter, smiles, jokes, conversations, you name it, it's gone. All because my fucked up mind thinks that it needs drugs to survive. I know that I'm really majorly addicted when I can't stay clean through two whole months of treatment, even though I realize it's something I need.
Why am I such a fucked up, low life, self centered, greedy junkie? At what point did I lose all perception of reality and responsibility to become what I am now? I can't turn back either. They gave me one chance to prove I could do it. Everyone supported me on the good thing, staying sober, getting a job & car, etc. I felt so much love and acceptance, something I missed so very much. But I threw it all away. For the needle I have lost my family, my ability to be trusted and helped out by those that really did give a fuck about me. And to top it all off, I have to hide out from everyone now. I can't call or visit my sister or Keith without them locking me up in some treatment facility somewhere at least 100 or so miles away.
And I think I'm alone now?! HA! Everyone would forget about me, if I got sent away for at least two months and wasn't able to at least call. What use would I be to anyone? Even if I went through with it, I would be more alone when I got out. I'd hate my life so much and probably want to die so bad that I would actually do it. But I don't want to die. Life may not be perfect, but that’s no reason to end it. I feel so lost and lonely. At least for right now I can actually live, maybe not totally happy, but free. If they take the few things I have left in this world, I will want to end it. Please don't let it happen.
----------------------------------------
Saturday, December 14, 2002
Please Tell Me What You Think!!
So this is it, my great design. Oh, with the help of a css from Glish.com of course. But hey, I'm working on understanding cascading style sheets better. This has been considerably tweeked from the css it came from. I am proud of myself.
What I do want to know is, what do you not like about it? Or what do you like about it? Or do you not even care? lol
I know it doesn't size to screen well in anything less then 1027x768......basically, if you are viewing this at a 600x800 resolution, the right border goes to the bottom.
And another thing, does the colors hurt your eyes? I like 'em. But of course after spending a few hours starring at this computer tryin to make all this work, my head is getting a little dizzy, so my judgement isn't quite right. Let me know. I'm open to comments.
Thanks!
So this is it, my great design. Oh, with the help of a css from Glish.com of course. But hey, I'm working on understanding cascading style sheets better. This has been considerably tweeked from the css it came from. I am proud of myself.
What I do want to know is, what do you not like about it? Or what do you like about it? Or do you not even care? lol
I know it doesn't size to screen well in anything less then 1027x768......basically, if you are viewing this at a 600x800 resolution, the right border goes to the bottom.
And another thing, does the colors hurt your eyes? I like 'em. But of course after spending a few hours starring at this computer tryin to make all this work, my head is getting a little dizzy, so my judgement isn't quite right. Let me know. I'm open to comments.
Thanks!
New Puter!!!
We finally got the new computer working, and here I am. Not like you can tell the difference, but I sure can. Going from a 650mhz to a 1.8mhz is a BIG difference! Everything runs really smoothly. The only thing I hate is this keyboard. I think midgets designed the arrow keys, they are tiny and squished together. It's gonna make it hard to play astroids with. Anywho, I'm gonna work on the new face for my blog on Monday. I have the details all mapped out, now it's just trying to get the blogger mumbo jumbo to work with my mumbo jumbo. I did the template myself :)
I'm so proud of myself. I guess I shouldn't get too much on my high horse, it isn't up yet.....lol
Noah still has his computer, it's across the livingroom from we. We are hooked together using a wireless router, which was (and still is) a giant pain in the ass. But it keeps us hooked so we can play games and be on the internet at the same time. Pretty cool, we don't have to fight over the computer anymore. Yeah, I know, we are computer addicts, what can I say. He's into the games, I'm into the web, just your typical modern day (obese) happy couple......lol
We finally got the new computer working, and here I am. Not like you can tell the difference, but I sure can. Going from a 650mhz to a 1.8mhz is a BIG difference! Everything runs really smoothly. The only thing I hate is this keyboard. I think midgets designed the arrow keys, they are tiny and squished together. It's gonna make it hard to play astroids with. Anywho, I'm gonna work on the new face for my blog on Monday. I have the details all mapped out, now it's just trying to get the blogger mumbo jumbo to work with my mumbo jumbo. I did the template myself :)
I'm so proud of myself. I guess I shouldn't get too much on my high horse, it isn't up yet.....lol
Noah still has his computer, it's across the livingroom from we. We are hooked together using a wireless router, which was (and still is) a giant pain in the ass. But it keeps us hooked so we can play games and be on the internet at the same time. Pretty cool, we don't have to fight over the computer anymore. Yeah, I know, we are computer addicts, what can I say. He's into the games, I'm into the web, just your typical modern day (obese) happy couple......lol
Friday, December 13, 2002
Starting to Feel Better
I'm beginning to feel a little better. My throat still hurts, and I'm still talking funny, but it's not as hard to swallow. I feel like I have a scab on my throat. Icky. I'm afraid if I swallow too much I might 'pick' the scab off and it'll get worse. I hate sore throats, but not as much as I hate doctors who tell you "it's just your sinus' draining down your throat causing the pain". Yeah, that may be true if I have severely toxic sinus drainage that is burning sores in my throat. That might explain the blood I was spitting up. Okay okay, I'll quit. I know it's gross. But thats what I've had to deal with the past few days. Not fun. Hopefully I'll be good as new by Monday. I'm not doing anything this weekend.
Good News
I'm getting a new PC today!! Noah ordered all the parts last weekend and they should be arriving today. Noah wants me off his computer, so he bought me my own.....hehe
We bought the case at Compusa. It's really cool, mostly black with a silver front and a 3part window on one side with a fan in the middle. It also came with a 350 watt power supply. Noah is building it part by part, so here are the other parts:
Processor: AMD Athlon 1800+
Motherboard:Gigabyte GA-7VTXE DDR
Ram: 256 MB DDR 2100
Hard Drive: Seagate Barracuda 80 GB
Video Card: ATI Radeon 7500 64MB
52X CD-Rom Drive
Monitor: KDS 17" X-Treme Flat
Pretty cool, eh? Noah keeps whining cause he got me a better video card than he has. I told him we could switch, he's the one that plays all the games, but he's like "no no, I got it for you". Okay, I'll take it! On Monday I'll prolly work on making a new site for this blog to go along with my new computer!! It'll be fun!
I'm beginning to feel a little better. My throat still hurts, and I'm still talking funny, but it's not as hard to swallow. I feel like I have a scab on my throat. Icky. I'm afraid if I swallow too much I might 'pick' the scab off and it'll get worse. I hate sore throats, but not as much as I hate doctors who tell you "it's just your sinus' draining down your throat causing the pain". Yeah, that may be true if I have severely toxic sinus drainage that is burning sores in my throat. That might explain the blood I was spitting up. Okay okay, I'll quit. I know it's gross. But thats what I've had to deal with the past few days. Not fun. Hopefully I'll be good as new by Monday. I'm not doing anything this weekend.
Good News
I'm getting a new PC today!! Noah ordered all the parts last weekend and they should be arriving today. Noah wants me off his computer, so he bought me my own.....hehe
We bought the case at Compusa. It's really cool, mostly black with a silver front and a 3part window on one side with a fan in the middle. It also came with a 350 watt power supply. Noah is building it part by part, so here are the other parts:
Processor: AMD Athlon 1800+
Motherboard:Gigabyte GA-7VTXE DDR
Ram: 256 MB DDR 2100
Hard Drive: Seagate Barracuda 80 GB
Video Card: ATI Radeon 7500 64MB
52X CD-Rom Drive
Monitor: KDS 17" X-Treme Flat
Pretty cool, eh? Noah keeps whining cause he got me a better video card than he has. I told him we could switch, he's the one that plays all the games, but he's like "no no, I got it for you". Okay, I'll take it! On Monday I'll prolly work on making a new site for this blog to go along with my new computer!! It'll be fun!
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Headed to the Doctor
I think I might have tonsillitis. It's extremely hard to swallow, I have an earache on the same side of my throat that hurts. I had a fever yesterday, but that broke sometime last night. Got an appointment at 9am, we'll see what the doc says. Prolly will just tell me to rest and get plenty of fluids. Doctors always tell you the darnedest things.
I think I might have tonsillitis. It's extremely hard to swallow, I have an earache on the same side of my throat that hurts. I had a fever yesterday, but that broke sometime last night. Got an appointment at 9am, we'll see what the doc says. Prolly will just tell me to rest and get plenty of fluids. Doctors always tell you the darnedest things.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Monday, December 09, 2002
A Public Service Announcement
I have recently noticed the high outbreak of bobbleheads on the market. Everything from Tiny Tim, to the Osbournes, to Jesus.
You can even create your own bobblehead for $500.00.
We Must Stop The Madness!!
This merchandise is spreading like wildfire. We all must begin practicing safe shopping, or we will all be invaded by bobbleheads. Please do your part.
This public service announcement has been brought to you by the makers of Ferby
I have recently noticed the high outbreak of bobbleheads on the market. Everything from Tiny Tim, to the Osbournes, to Jesus.
You can even create your own bobblehead for $500.00.
We Must Stop The Madness!!
This merchandise is spreading like wildfire. We all must begin practicing safe shopping, or we will all be invaded by bobbleheads. Please do your part.
This public service announcement has been brought to you by the makers of Ferby
Saturday, December 07, 2002
Cute Breed
No one in their right mind gets up this early on a Saturday morning. Except of course, mikayla. She doesn't like to miss her morning cartoons. I will retrain this girl to sleep in someday soon. I guess it makes it a little better when I get to see her dance and wiggle to the 'Bear in the Big Blue House' tune. She's such a cute dancer. At only one year old she's got her favorite cartoons and she likes to dance to the themes. Before long, she's gonna be singing them. I can't believe she's growing up this fast. Don't worry, I'm not gonna try and slow it down, but that doesn't mean it isn't something that will be missed. I still wish sometimes that she was that little ball of goo that I could just cuddle and hold. And that wouldn't protest or try and wiggle away because she hasn't pushed all the buttons on the Elmo sleepytime book quite enough times yet. "Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy........over and over and over. Yes, now I miss the goo. I used to rub the top of her head with the bottom of my chin, kind of nuzzling her. I remember I used to get pimples on my face from it, but I loved to do it. She has always been my beautiful baby girl.
It's funny. I remember I used to beg my mom for a kitten. I always wanted a new kitten. They were so cute, and little, and fuzzy. I just loved kittens. But I didn't have a whole lot of interest in the 4 grown cats we already had (if you think 4 is alot, my mom has 8 now). I just wanted kittens, and lots of them. Lovable, cute, cuddley little kittens, and I never wanted them to grow up. They were all just soooo cute. I would have fed them cocaine and lighter fluid if someone had told me that it would make them stay little forever. I would get mad that they grew up, and beg my mom for another kitten.
Well, mikayla is starting to grow up. No, she's not 20, she's just 1, but she's not that cute and cuddley little mush of goo that used to sleep in my arms for hours. I miss that so much. I'm thinking about trading her in for a new model. Maybe one with more hair.
LOL
Okay, I'm just kidding! She's just turning into a severe rugrat and I'm trying to make lite of the situation. My cute little, cry only when she needs something, never fight sleep, well mannered, smile all the time, little limp needy lump of happyness, has discovered that even mommy has buttons she can push. And those ones are really fun. They don't make pretty music, or shine bright flashy lights, they do something better. They make mommy run around grabbing toys and putting her in the center of a toy prison, trying to stop the insanity. They make mommy barricade the livingroom with anything she can find, boxes, sheets, clothes baskets, anything big and easily movable. They make mommy wonder why the hell she telling daddy that she wants to have more kids.
Now back to the kittens, I think it's natures way of screwing us over. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter, and I don't regret her in anyway. But she didn't come with a warning label that read, "Will work to do everything to piss you off and I will never understand the word, 'no'". I think if his sperm stopped and said "Warning, will cause severe anguish, headaches, grinding teeth, bad eatting habits, arguements, broken sentimental and high ticket items, money loss, less free time, lost sleep, stains, discharge from every orphis, and hard core guilt trips", I might have thought twice about the whole thing.
Although, she is still really cute when she's in that half dazed stare, watching the tv, in severe need of a nap. I still wish she would cuddle up with me and sleep. Guess I'll have to get a kitten. Nature is cruel.
No one in their right mind gets up this early on a Saturday morning. Except of course, mikayla. She doesn't like to miss her morning cartoons. I will retrain this girl to sleep in someday soon. I guess it makes it a little better when I get to see her dance and wiggle to the 'Bear in the Big Blue House' tune. She's such a cute dancer. At only one year old she's got her favorite cartoons and she likes to dance to the themes. Before long, she's gonna be singing them. I can't believe she's growing up this fast. Don't worry, I'm not gonna try and slow it down, but that doesn't mean it isn't something that will be missed. I still wish sometimes that she was that little ball of goo that I could just cuddle and hold. And that wouldn't protest or try and wiggle away because she hasn't pushed all the buttons on the Elmo sleepytime book quite enough times yet. "Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy........over and over and over. Yes, now I miss the goo. I used to rub the top of her head with the bottom of my chin, kind of nuzzling her. I remember I used to get pimples on my face from it, but I loved to do it. She has always been my beautiful baby girl.
It's funny. I remember I used to beg my mom for a kitten. I always wanted a new kitten. They were so cute, and little, and fuzzy. I just loved kittens. But I didn't have a whole lot of interest in the 4 grown cats we already had (if you think 4 is alot, my mom has 8 now). I just wanted kittens, and lots of them. Lovable, cute, cuddley little kittens, and I never wanted them to grow up. They were all just soooo cute. I would have fed them cocaine and lighter fluid if someone had told me that it would make them stay little forever. I would get mad that they grew up, and beg my mom for another kitten.
Well, mikayla is starting to grow up. No, she's not 20, she's just 1, but she's not that cute and cuddley little mush of goo that used to sleep in my arms for hours. I miss that so much. I'm thinking about trading her in for a new model. Maybe one with more hair.
LOL
Okay, I'm just kidding! She's just turning into a severe rugrat and I'm trying to make lite of the situation. My cute little, cry only when she needs something, never fight sleep, well mannered, smile all the time, little limp needy lump of happyness, has discovered that even mommy has buttons she can push. And those ones are really fun. They don't make pretty music, or shine bright flashy lights, they do something better. They make mommy run around grabbing toys and putting her in the center of a toy prison, trying to stop the insanity. They make mommy barricade the livingroom with anything she can find, boxes, sheets, clothes baskets, anything big and easily movable. They make mommy wonder why the hell she telling daddy that she wants to have more kids.
Now back to the kittens, I think it's natures way of screwing us over. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter, and I don't regret her in anyway. But she didn't come with a warning label that read, "Will work to do everything to piss you off and I will never understand the word, 'no'". I think if his sperm stopped and said "Warning, will cause severe anguish, headaches, grinding teeth, bad eatting habits, arguements, broken sentimental and high ticket items, money loss, less free time, lost sleep, stains, discharge from every orphis, and hard core guilt trips", I might have thought twice about the whole thing.
Although, she is still really cute when she's in that half dazed stare, watching the tv, in severe need of a nap. I still wish she would cuddle up with me and sleep. Guess I'll have to get a kitten. Nature is cruel.
Friday, December 06, 2002
A Couple of Really Good Articles!
The first one talkes about the smallpox scare. The second one at the bottom talks about how Bush is going the 'roundabout' way to get Saudi Arabia. Very good read, makes ya think.
The first one talkes about the smallpox scare. The second one at the bottom talks about how Bush is going the 'roundabout' way to get Saudi Arabia. Very good read, makes ya think.
Thursday, December 05, 2002
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
This is what happens when you tell the lady at the salon that you want a nice loose curl put in your hair.
I'm not leaving the house for atleast a month.
I'm not leaving the house for atleast a month.
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
A New Perspective
I can't change everything around me, so I guess instead I will change the way that I look at things. I'm always talking about looking at things from a different perspective, I guess I should listen to myself more often.
My read dad had two children before he got with my mom and popped my sister and I out. Then he and my mom got divorced and he remarried and popped out two more. So he's got 6 kids, and Lana and I are the inbetweeners. Not to mention the fact that us 'inbetweeners' were never talked to until I was 17 and she was 18 yrs old. So that kinda makes things a little difficult in the happy family christmas thing. You see, his oldest daughter, our supposed half sister, Geri, is planning this Christmas party on Dec. 13th., and originally did not want to invite Lana and I. I dont' see why, she didn't have a problem inviting us to her wedding. Oh, I suppose that was just because she wanted gifts, oh, I get it now. Anyways, Geri is a different sort of person, so I hear. She is one of those 'materialisic' kinda people who don't use wire hangers. She wouldn't dare leave the cap off the milk, and God forbid the milk be on the third shelf down behind the processed cheese slices. Okay, okay, so I'm getting a little snotty here. Guess you could say I have a little bit of a problem with someone who has too many problems with other people and not enough fingers to point with. She just plain bugs me. I met her once, at her wedding of course, and she said 'hi'. That was it, just 'hi'. Sounds so mundane doesn't it? A bit overused. Anywho, so I told Al (biological pop out kids guy, half of the half of me cells), that i didn't want to go to some stupid party that I'm not really wanted at anyways. He goes and tells her, all nicey nice that we have 'other plans'. I'm sure that just busted her bubble. Thats okay, she's got plenty of bubbles lying around she can just replace it with.
The main thing that really nags at me about this situation is Al. He doesn't come down to visit Lana and I very often. But of course we have to pack up our house to go see him on the holidays. Whats up with that?? His family brings in probably about 60 or 70k a year, and that even with his new job that pays half what he made before. I just don't get it. He's supposed to be our dad, and we have to run to him? Anyways, that would be a long story I'm not going to get into. My new perspective come into play..........NOW:
You see, if I was an apple, and I fell off the tree, it's because the tree couldn't hold me any longer. So I guess I'll just sit around under the tree until someone comes and picks me up. And if they don't, I will decay, and become fertilizer for a fuckin orange tree. Thank you, good day!
I can't change everything around me, so I guess instead I will change the way that I look at things. I'm always talking about looking at things from a different perspective, I guess I should listen to myself more often.
My read dad had two children before he got with my mom and popped my sister and I out. Then he and my mom got divorced and he remarried and popped out two more. So he's got 6 kids, and Lana and I are the inbetweeners. Not to mention the fact that us 'inbetweeners' were never talked to until I was 17 and she was 18 yrs old. So that kinda makes things a little difficult in the happy family christmas thing. You see, his oldest daughter, our supposed half sister, Geri, is planning this Christmas party on Dec. 13th., and originally did not want to invite Lana and I. I dont' see why, she didn't have a problem inviting us to her wedding. Oh, I suppose that was just because she wanted gifts, oh, I get it now. Anyways, Geri is a different sort of person, so I hear. She is one of those 'materialisic' kinda people who don't use wire hangers. She wouldn't dare leave the cap off the milk, and God forbid the milk be on the third shelf down behind the processed cheese slices. Okay, okay, so I'm getting a little snotty here. Guess you could say I have a little bit of a problem with someone who has too many problems with other people and not enough fingers to point with. She just plain bugs me. I met her once, at her wedding of course, and she said 'hi'. That was it, just 'hi'. Sounds so mundane doesn't it? A bit overused. Anywho, so I told Al (biological pop out kids guy, half of the half of me cells), that i didn't want to go to some stupid party that I'm not really wanted at anyways. He goes and tells her, all nicey nice that we have 'other plans'. I'm sure that just busted her bubble. Thats okay, she's got plenty of bubbles lying around she can just replace it with.
The main thing that really nags at me about this situation is Al. He doesn't come down to visit Lana and I very often. But of course we have to pack up our house to go see him on the holidays. Whats up with that?? His family brings in probably about 60 or 70k a year, and that even with his new job that pays half what he made before. I just don't get it. He's supposed to be our dad, and we have to run to him? Anyways, that would be a long story I'm not going to get into. My new perspective come into play..........NOW:
You see, if I was an apple, and I fell off the tree, it's because the tree couldn't hold me any longer. So I guess I'll just sit around under the tree until someone comes and picks me up. And if they don't, I will decay, and become fertilizer for a fuckin orange tree. Thank you, good day!
Monday, December 02, 2002
Someone Please tell me what the hell this is?
Wait for it to load. It's some japanese commercial for something, maybe ketchup??
Wait for it to load. It's some japanese commercial for something, maybe ketchup??
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