Mating Calls
This is what my husband and I talk about over the internet while he's at work. Very intelligent conversation:

Lindsey: daddy, miki is throwing another fit again
CivGod: why?
Lindsey: I don't think I can handle her, your gonna have to come home and spank mommy
CivGod: LOL
CivGod: *grin*
Lindsey: *chuckle*
CivGod: *oogling*
Lindsey: *snorking*
CivGod: *farking*
Lindsey: *piggling*
CivGod: *wip-dip-doubling*
Lindsey: *scrappy-smarphicing*
CivGod: *mcbarflypuking*
Lindsey: ZLOL
CivGod: hehe
Lindsey: *crappidoddling*
CivGod: *dadlysmoggling*
Lindsey: *iggloogleshna*
CivGod: *pathootinggobble*
Lindsey: *tazmokingdope*
Lindsey: *stripplehappy*
CivGod: *yakizsmoochie*
Lindsey: *smoocheyakfoo*
CivGod: *bangoweevle*
Lindsey: *weevweevbangya*
CivGod: *nukhavenwoogle*
CivGod: LOL
Lindsey: ;P

Intelligence at it's best.

Ungrateful
I've been talking to Sheila tonight.
Havent' talked to her in a while.
Mostly because of the little dispute I had with him (her current boyfriend) a few months ago.
I miss my sister tonight, and I told her that. He controls her beyond realism.
I wish he didn't control her dreams, her beauty.

The Saga Continues...
After I hung up on my mom, she sent me an instant message.......this is the WHOLE conversation:

Mom: are you tere/
Mom: i need you to pay for te bear in te bi blue ouse and set of 4 ideos
Me: make Lana do it, this heartless bitch is busy
Me: that was an extremely unfair comment you made
Mom signed off at 8:33:34 PM

Her keyboard is messed up with cat puke, thats why she can't type. Didn't even bother to apologize or anything. Loving, isn't she?

Gee, Wonderful Support
My mom called me tonight to help her out because her cat threw up on the keyboard of her laptop, and she needed to pay for some ebay stuff. So I got online to go where ever she needed me to go. She must have found out from my sister that I took Dallas to the animal shelter, and she asks me why I did it. I told her because he attacked Mikayla. Then she asked me why I didn't just give Dallas to her. I told her it was because she lets her cats outside (not to mention the fact that she already has 8!), and that Dallas has no front claws. He wouldn't be able to protect himself from other cats if he was attacked, and it would be cruel to let him be mauled and not be able to protect himself. So, she goes on to tell me how heartless I am for taking him to the animal shelter......blah blah blah.
She must not realize that I didn't want to take him in the first place, but I had to. I had no choice. No fuckin choice whatsoever! If he hurt my daughter, she would freak out on me and tell me that I was a horrible mother. She would much rather him get tortured and not be able to take care of himself then to go somewhere that he might have a chance with a new family (without children), or a painless death. I dont' want him to die, but I dont' want him to suffer in numerous cat fights.
If he went to her house, with all her fucking cats, they would hurt him so bad. They all have claws, Dallas DOES NOT! AND SHE THINKS I'M FUCKING HEARTLESS. FUCK HER!! She pisses me the fuck off!
Sorry for all the language, but fuck her fuck her, fuck her!
It's hard enough for me as it is to have to get rid of one of my pets. I was very close to him, I loved the shit right out of him. Does she not understand that?? Does she not give a shit how hard this is for me that she has to make it worse??
Like I said.......fuck her!

Dallas is Gone

Dallas is our large fuzzy orange kitty. We had to give him back to the animal shelter where we got him from because he has attacked Mikayla 3 times. He never attacked her just to be mean, he was just being playful, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he has left scratches and bite marks on her head. At anyone of those times he could have damaged her eye, or gave her scars for the rest of her life.
I have 3 scars on my face from being attacked by a cat when I was a baby. I don't remember being attacked, I was too young, but I will always have the scars. We just didn't think it was a good idea to keep a cat that could be a danger to our daughter. It does make me sad that we have to get rid of him. He will probably be put to sleep, unless someone without children adopts him. We have another cat, his name is Rio. He's a little grey runt, and he's not a danger to her. He doesn't attack at all. As soon as Noah walked out the door with Dallas in the carrier, Rio came up to me whining. I think he knows whats going on. He will miss Dallas, considering he was just a kitten when he came to live with us, and Dallas was here before him. He has grown up with Dallas, and now Dallas is gone. I feel cold, I don't want him to die. But I can't have him hurting my daughter. I'm sorry Dallas.

It Doesn't Feel Alot Like Christmas
It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year. I'm guessing it's all the warm weather. We haven't put up a tree this year, we probably won't. The only tree we have is the fake, anorexic christmas tree we bought from wal-mart last year. We were so ghetto last year we used twist ties to hold the ornaments on the tree. We didn't care, mikayla was only a month old. This year, she would probably get the most enjoyment out of eatting the ornaments. We arn't going to be opening gifts here anyways, so the tree would just be a pain in the ass.
We have been driving around checking out everyone else's christmas lights alot this year. Seems the people in the high priced areas of town are going all out. I'm sure the electric company is enjoying the business, not to mention the wal-mart christmas department. We'll just enjoy at everyone else's expense this year. We can't afford a $300 electric bill.

Pee-Wee is at it again!
Paul Reuben gets caught with kiddie porn.

Another actor is tryin to save the world
Would someone please explain to me why I should believe Sean Penn over the United Nations?? hmmmmmm

Link courtesy of A Small Victory

Old Stuff
This is something I wrote when I was 16 years old. I had just spent one week in detox at a local hospital, and was supposed to go three times a week for out-patient treatment. I went for one day, and then I went on the run. This is what I wrote after my first 'fix' while on the run. I was in the back bedroom of an abandoned apartment, my only possesion being my notebook.

-7/7/97-
I have become good at a lot of things; fucking up, coning people out of money, drugs, or whatever I want from them. and disappearing. The drugs make it so fucking easy to forget the important things in my life, like my family (sister, Keith, etc.) and the few good friends I actually had. I say had because they really don't want to be fucked over anymore by me since I have become a junkie. And that’s what I am, a fucking lying, stealing, heartless drug addict junkie. I'm sorry for what I've done, I do have some kind of heart left. Maybe a little distorted, but it's functioning some what.
I don't blame them for giving up on me. Hell, I gave up on me a long time ago. What majorly hurts though, is that I know I'm actually all alone. They aren’t going to be there anymore. Not to listen or give advice and tell me what I'm doing wrong (even though they told me a thousand times and I still didn't listen). No more support whether it be mentally or financially. And most of all, no more love. No tears nor laughter, smiles, jokes, conversations, you name it, it's gone. All because my fucked up mind thinks that it needs drugs to survive. I know that I'm really majorly addicted when I can't stay clean through two whole months of treatment, even though I realize it's something I need.
Why am I such a fucked up, low life, self centered, greedy junkie? At what point did I lose all perception of reality and responsibility to become what I am now? I can't turn back either. They gave me one chance to prove I could do it. Everyone supported me on the good thing, staying sober, getting a job & car, etc. I felt so much love and acceptance, something I missed so very much. But I threw it all away. For the needle I have lost my family, my ability to be trusted and helped out by those that really did give a fuck about me. And to top it all off, I have to hide out from everyone now. I can't call or visit my sister or Keith without them locking me up in some treatment facility somewhere at least 100 or so miles away.
And I think I'm alone now?! HA! Everyone would forget about me, if I got sent away for at least two months and wasn't able to at least call. What use would I be to anyone? Even if I went through with it, I would be more alone when I got out. I'd hate my life so much and probably want to die so bad that I would actually do it. But I don't want to die. Life may not be perfect, but that’s no reason to end it. I feel so lost and lonely. At least for right now I can actually live, maybe not totally happy, but free. If they take the few things I have left in this world, I will want to end it. Please don't let it happen.
----------------------------------------

The Morning After
Actually, *puts hand on aching head*, I would like to appologize to the poor guy who had to listen to me ramble last night. Could ya tell I was drunk? LOL
I'm not a weirdo, I promise.

Thanx
I'd like to thank #sadboy from IRC (sorry, dont' remember the name exactly), for listening to me ramble. You mentioned something very important, that I don't have much 'weight' to my entries. I will try to be me more often. Thanks for the imput. Seriously.

Adrenaline
I'm pissed off.......at my new computer? Yes!
That thing is supposed to be new, at it gives me more shit than Noah's does. Noah tells me we need to work out the bugs, but fuck the bugs! It's supposed to be new, and work, and work better. GRrrrr

Please Tell Me What You Think!!
So this is it, my great design. Oh, with the help of a css from Glish.com of course. But hey, I'm working on understanding cascading style sheets better. This has been considerably tweeked from the css it came from. I am proud of myself.
What I do want to know is, what do you not like about it? Or what do you like about it? Or do you not even care? lol
I know it doesn't size to screen well in anything less then 1027x768......basically, if you are viewing this at a 600x800 resolution, the right border goes to the bottom.
And another thing, does the colors hurt your eyes? I like 'em. But of course after spending a few hours starring at this computer tryin to make all this work, my head is getting a little dizzy, so my judgement isn't quite right. Let me know. I'm open to comments.
Thanks!

Ansy
I'm going to try and change the template tonight.......lets all just pray.

New Puter!!!
We finally got the new computer working, and here I am. Not like you can tell the difference, but I sure can. Going from a 650mhz to a 1.8mhz is a BIG difference! Everything runs really smoothly. The only thing I hate is this keyboard. I think midgets designed the arrow keys, they are tiny and squished together. It's gonna make it hard to play astroids with. Anywho, I'm gonna work on the new face for my blog on Monday. I have the details all mapped out, now it's just trying to get the blogger mumbo jumbo to work with my mumbo jumbo. I did the template myself :)
I'm so proud of myself. I guess I shouldn't get too much on my high horse, it isn't up yet.....lol
Noah still has his computer, it's across the livingroom from we. We are hooked together using a wireless router, which was (and still is) a giant pain in the ass. But it keeps us hooked so we can play games and be on the internet at the same time. Pretty cool, we don't have to fight over the computer anymore. Yeah, I know, we are computer addicts, what can I say. He's into the games, I'm into the web, just your typical modern day (obese) happy couple......lol

hehehe.....I like my new snowman banner.......hehehe

Starting to Feel Better
I'm beginning to feel a little better. My throat still hurts, and I'm still talking funny, but it's not as hard to swallow. I feel like I have a scab on my throat. Icky. I'm afraid if I swallow too much I might 'pick' the scab off and it'll get worse. I hate sore throats, but not as much as I hate doctors who tell you "it's just your sinus' draining down your throat causing the pain". Yeah, that may be true if I have severely toxic sinus drainage that is burning sores in my throat. That might explain the blood I was spitting up. Okay okay, I'll quit. I know it's gross. But thats what I've had to deal with the past few days. Not fun. Hopefully I'll be good as new by Monday. I'm not doing anything this weekend.

Good News
I'm getting a new PC today!! Noah ordered all the parts last weekend and they should be arriving today. Noah wants me off his computer, so he bought me my own.....hehe
We bought the case at Compusa. It's really cool, mostly black with a silver front and a 3part window on one side with a fan in the middle. It also came with a 350 watt power supply. Noah is building it part by part, so here are the other parts:

Processor: AMD Athlon 1800+
Motherboard:Gigabyte GA-7VTXE DDR
Ram: 256 MB DDR 2100
Hard Drive: Seagate Barracuda 80 GB
Video Card: ATI Radeon 7500 64MB
52X CD-Rom Drive
Monitor: KDS 17" X-Treme Flat

Pretty cool, eh? Noah keeps whining cause he got me a better video card than he has. I told him we could switch, he's the one that plays all the games, but he's like "no no, I got it for you". Okay, I'll take it! On Monday I'll prolly work on making a new site for this blog to go along with my new computer!! It'll be fun!

Headed to the Doctor
I think I might have tonsillitis. It's extremely hard to swallow, I have an earache on the same side of my throat that hurts. I had a fever yesterday, but that broke sometime last night. Got an appointment at 9am, we'll see what the doc says. Prolly will just tell me to rest and get plenty of fluids. Doctors always tell you the darnedest things.

I Hate Winter
Such a sweet, happy, thing winter is. All except for getting sick. I hate getting sick. I feel like shit, my body aches, my throat hurts. I still have to chase mikayla around, too. Stay at home mommy's dont' get sick days. I hate being sick. blah

A Public Service Announcement
I have recently noticed the high outbreak of bobbleheads on the market. Everything from Tiny Tim, to the Osbournes, to Jesus.
You can even create your own bobblehead for $500.00.

We Must Stop The Madness!!

This merchandise is spreading like wildfire. We all must begin practicing safe shopping, or we will all be invaded by bobbleheads. Please do your part.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by the makers of Ferby

Cute Breed
No one in their right mind gets up this early on a Saturday morning. Except of course, mikayla. She doesn't like to miss her morning cartoons. I will retrain this girl to sleep in someday soon. I guess it makes it a little better when I get to see her dance and wiggle to the 'Bear in the Big Blue House' tune. She's such a cute dancer. At only one year old she's got her favorite cartoons and she likes to dance to the themes. Before long, she's gonna be singing them. I can't believe she's growing up this fast. Don't worry, I'm not gonna try and slow it down, but that doesn't mean it isn't something that will be missed. I still wish sometimes that she was that little ball of goo that I could just cuddle and hold. And that wouldn't protest or try and wiggle away because she hasn't pushed all the buttons on the Elmo sleepytime book quite enough times yet. "Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy, Elmo's not sleepy........over and over and over. Yes, now I miss the goo. I used to rub the top of her head with the bottom of my chin, kind of nuzzling her. I remember I used to get pimples on my face from it, but I loved to do it. She has always been my beautiful baby girl.
It's funny. I remember I used to beg my mom for a kitten. I always wanted a new kitten. They were so cute, and little, and fuzzy. I just loved kittens. But I didn't have a whole lot of interest in the 4 grown cats we already had (if you think 4 is alot, my mom has 8 now). I just wanted kittens, and lots of them. Lovable, cute, cuddley little kittens, and I never wanted them to grow up. They were all just soooo cute. I would have fed them cocaine and lighter fluid if someone had told me that it would make them stay little forever. I would get mad that they grew up, and beg my mom for another kitten.
Well, mikayla is starting to grow up. No, she's not 20, she's just 1, but she's not that cute and cuddley little mush of goo that used to sleep in my arms for hours. I miss that so much. I'm thinking about trading her in for a new model. Maybe one with more hair.
LOL
Okay, I'm just kidding! She's just turning into a severe rugrat and I'm trying to make lite of the situation. My cute little, cry only when she needs something, never fight sleep, well mannered, smile all the time, little limp needy lump of happyness, has discovered that even mommy has buttons she can push. And those ones are really fun. They don't make pretty music, or shine bright flashy lights, they do something better. They make mommy run around grabbing toys and putting her in the center of a toy prison, trying to stop the insanity. They make mommy barricade the livingroom with anything she can find, boxes, sheets, clothes baskets, anything big and easily movable. They make mommy wonder why the hell she telling daddy that she wants to have more kids.
Now back to the kittens, I think it's natures way of screwing us over. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter, and I don't regret her in anyway. But she didn't come with a warning label that read, "Will work to do everything to piss you off and I will never understand the word, 'no'". I think if his sperm stopped and said "Warning, will cause severe anguish, headaches, grinding teeth, bad eatting habits, arguements, broken sentimental and high ticket items, money loss, less free time, lost sleep, stains, discharge from every orphis, and hard core guilt trips", I might have thought twice about the whole thing.
Although, she is still really cute when she's in that half dazed stare, watching the tv, in severe need of a nap. I still wish she would cuddle up with me and sleep. Guess I'll have to get a kitten. Nature is cruel.

100 Things About Me
I finally made a 100 things about me page! Check it out!

What
cartoon dog are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

A Couple of Really Good Articles!
The first one talkes about the smallpox scare. The second one at the bottom talks about how Bush is going the 'roundabout' way to get Saudi Arabia. Very good read, makes ya think.

Warning: Beware of Drunk Moose

1,000 Hits!!!! WooHoo!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you all :)

This is what happens when you tell the lady at the salon that you want a nice loose curl put in your hair.

I'm not leaving the house for atleast a month.

A New Perspective
I can't change everything around me, so I guess instead I will change the way that I look at things. I'm always talking about looking at things from a different perspective, I guess I should listen to myself more often.
My read dad had two children before he got with my mom and popped my sister and I out. Then he and my mom got divorced and he remarried and popped out two more. So he's got 6 kids, and Lana and I are the inbetweeners. Not to mention the fact that us 'inbetweeners' were never talked to until I was 17 and she was 18 yrs old. So that kinda makes things a little difficult in the happy family christmas thing. You see, his oldest daughter, our supposed half sister, Geri, is planning this Christmas party on Dec. 13th., and originally did not want to invite Lana and I. I dont' see why, she didn't have a problem inviting us to her wedding. Oh, I suppose that was just because she wanted gifts, oh, I get it now. Anyways, Geri is a different sort of person, so I hear. She is one of those 'materialisic' kinda people who don't use wire hangers. She wouldn't dare leave the cap off the milk, and God forbid the milk be on the third shelf down behind the processed cheese slices. Okay, okay, so I'm getting a little snotty here. Guess you could say I have a little bit of a problem with someone who has too many problems with other people and not enough fingers to point with. She just plain bugs me. I met her once, at her wedding of course, and she said 'hi'. That was it, just 'hi'. Sounds so mundane doesn't it? A bit overused. Anywho, so I told Al (biological pop out kids guy, half of the half of me cells), that i didn't want to go to some stupid party that I'm not really wanted at anyways. He goes and tells her, all nicey nice that we have 'other plans'. I'm sure that just busted her bubble. Thats okay, she's got plenty of bubbles lying around she can just replace it with.
The main thing that really nags at me about this situation is Al. He doesn't come down to visit Lana and I very often. But of course we have to pack up our house to go see him on the holidays. Whats up with that?? His family brings in probably about 60 or 70k a year, and that even with his new job that pays half what he made before. I just don't get it. He's supposed to be our dad, and we have to run to him? Anyways, that would be a long story I'm not going to get into. My new perspective come into play..........NOW:
You see, if I was an apple, and I fell off the tree, it's because the tree couldn't hold me any longer. So I guess I'll just sit around under the tree until someone comes and picks me up. And if they don't, I will decay, and become fertilizer for a fuckin orange tree. Thank you, good day!

Someone Please tell me what the hell this is?
Wait for it to load. It's some japanese commercial for something, maybe ketchup??

The word "racecar", "kayak", and "radar" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. Same goes for this sentence: "a man a plan a canal panama."

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

"Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.

No word in the English language rhymes with "month

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
...gobble gobble...

As I was saying below but it got all screwed up and I can't edit it:
I added to Mikayla's Site.

The Halloween Party
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days, so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear." The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!" The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4. The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle.

From Today's Fortune Cookie
Your heart will always make itself known through your words


I added to

Monday, November 25, 2002

Astronoids - the best asteroids java game !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKAYLA!!
Today is Mikayla's 1st Birthday!
We had her birthday party yesterday. It went really good, except that miki was a little crabby. I think that is the way it's supposed to be though, kids are always crabby when you want have a lot of people over. She got alot of cool gifts and everyone gave her lots of kisses. She even got her very own little chocolate cake. I'll get some pics up as soon as I get them developed. I'm gonna spend tomorrow and wednesday getting all the old pictures up on her new site, plus some new pictures nobody has seen yet! Today I have to run JR to an appointment, they are probably gonna schedule the surgery for the kidney to be taken out. Sorry I couldn't type long, I'll be back later. :)

Sex and My Fucking Fairytale Life
Yes, so I live in a bubble. But arn't bubbles supposed to be bright and shinny, and floaty and cute? Well, you know the down side of bubbles? They fucking pop. Yeah, they burst, and then what the hell are you supposed to do? You know what you do? You sit around and wait for the fucking bubble machine to start blowing out new ones. And while you sit and wait, you know what else. Your a fucking popped bubble, that's what else.
Okay, so your probably gonna say that I'm in a pissed off mood. Well, kinda. More irritated and sexually frustrated than anything. You see, I am supposed to be living this fairytale life. Yeah, me and Bambi, we kick it every now and again, but everytime he hears a loud noise he tends to run in my closet. I don't get it, and it really fucks with ya when you're stoned. We don't smoke together no more. He gets into all sorts of deep sentimental issues and wants to go traul-lup in the woods at three am. I dont' know about you, but I'm not much of a traul-lup-er.
So anyways, tonight is the issue, and it's about sex. Yes, with my old man, not prince charming. Prince charming would 'hold out' longer.
But my old man isn't prince charming, so he is freshly blown, satisfied, and sleeping right now. Me, on the other hand, is sitting here at this fucking computer wonderin if I should call Cinderella and talk to her about her 'time anxiety' issues. Hey, it's better than laying there listening to 'thinks he's a hog' man, snore. I mean, come on. Women like to cum too ya know. And it DOES take longer than 3 mins to do it. Give me about 7 mins and a little penetration, and I'll wiggle my way to happy land. But no, I'm not entitled to that right now, I guess.
He told me the other day that sometimes he just likes to cum and thats it. Well, ya know what? Maybe I'll just do that next time. I'll just cum and be happy and bye bye see ya later, no lube for you neither. He thinks that after he cums that I should just be able to lay there and get myself off. OK. Sure. While he's laying there wishing I would quit shakin the bed cause it's disturbing his sleep, I'm supposed to be happy and cum. Ya know, there are times that I cum and I'm happy just to go to bed, but what do I do, I keep going. But he can't do that. He goes a little limpy on the situation. So what I wonder is, why can't he hold it for a couple of minutes? I'm easy.
Like SnowWhite. Although I don't have seven dwarfs around, that must be quite interesting. Maybe I'll check out her new line of porn comin' out in the spring. She did tell me the other day that she was kinda 'short staffed' on the set, though, so they might not be ready for rent until the summer. I'll be sure and keep ya posted.
Anyways, mr macho man in there thinks he's the shit, but his nose keeps growing so I know otherwise (too bad thats the only thing growing). For the most part we are great together, but I'm not gonna put up with this pump for a minute - blow your wad in 3-2-1 - snore thing for much longer.
Please excuse me while I make Pinocchio tell me all sorts of nasty lies. His bullshit is always good comfort on nights like this.

I'm also selling this too: Microsoft Office XP Professional - COMPLETE!
Yeah, I know....I just keep pluging the things that I'm selling. I'll blog soon, I promise.

My Newest Ebay Item Up For Sale!
BUY ALL MY QUIXTAR BUSINESS MATERIALS!! L@@K!

For All The People Searching For Suing McDonalds,THIS is the only thing I wrote about it.
Thank You, please come again....

I can't believe I'm getting 25 hits a day for this one damn post. Don't worry, I'm not going to turn this blog into the suing mcdonalds archieve. I should state my opinion about stupid moments in history more often.

I'm selling a Lot of 4 Beautiful Sweaters! SZ 22-24

Spank the Monkey!

Boo
I've been a lazy blogger. It's actually because I have been pretty busy getting things ready for Mikayla's first birthday party. She's gonna have a ton of people over, and I have no idea how we are gonna fit this many people in our house. It's gonna be interesting.
Mikayla was sick this morning. Actually, she's been sick for the last week, but this morning she threw up 3 times, right in a row. It was an icky mess, but I laid her down and she slept for a few hours, and now she seems to be doing better. I dont' know if it's from the milk I've been giving her, because I have been trying to ween her off formula and putting half milk and half formula in her bottles. It could also be part of this virus that she has had. I took her to the doctor on Monday, but by the time we got there her temp was back down to 99 from 103, so I felt like the doc thought I was just over reacting. That's the second time this week she's had a high temp, and why it worried me so much. She seems to be doing better now though, thats the good thing.
I seen my therapist yesterday, and we went over my family history. I told him I had a fucked up family, and he agreed there was alot of conflict in my life. He seemed surprised by the fact that not very many people in my family seem to like one another very much. I guess that explains why I sometimes feel like I walk around scooping up everyone else's shit and putting it in a nice pretty bag for em. I'm the dumper, so he says. I'm the one that takes everyone else's shit and makes it look pretty. I guess he's prolly right. It makes sense. I'm such a nice person arn't I? Would you like for me to hold your shit for you, i'll put a bow on it, with sprinkles even. :) :)
Anyways, my life isn't that bad. I'm just a sap and good at making things seem worse then they are. He hasn't mentioned anything else about needing medication, thank God. I didn't want to take mood pills. They just sound weird to me. I know they are good for some people, but I'm addicted to enough things. I don't need to become a pill head too. Take something like that and I'll become this happy little vegetable, with little green fuzzy things hanging out of my head. But I'll be smiling about it. I'd prolly walk around "hey, wanna touch my pretty fuzzy green things?" and people will be like "fuck off" and I'll be like " :) :) okay :) :) ". And trot along to the next person I can try to brighten up with my vegi-happy-o-rama.
Okay, so the veggie thing prolly wouldn't work for me. But having someone admit to me that they believe my family is dysfuncional and that has alot to do with why I'm not functioning quite up to par these days, is working for me. So I'll continue to see my shrink until.. until... until....... until.......... until.......... "BANG!" oh sorry, back now.....wheew, that was close. Damn rabbits........ what was I saying?
Oh forget it, anyways, life is good. Miki is feeling better, just a sleepy head. And I'm still working tryin to make webpages. So there's the update!
See you next time on: (cheesy star trek music starts .... NoW!)
"The DrunK Girl That Thinks Too Much"

Stuff I'm Selling On Ebay
Buy My Stuff......hehe

Windows NT Workstation Software

Nintendo Game System with 16 Games

If You're Tired and You Know It, Go to Sleep
On Friday Jimmy threw a fit so him and I argued about my mom. He wanted to say stupid shit like I was just going to sit there and agree with him, but I stood up for my mom (she's my mom, duh!). He didn't like that, but I don't care. I asked him how he would like it if I sat there and said the things he said about my mom, about his mother (she died when he was 15), and he had nothing to say. Stupid shit. I found out the next day the whole reason he was being an asshole was because he had wanted to go home and go to bed hours before. How sad, he was throwing a fit like a 2 year old.
Then I find out yesterday that Shiela finally split up with her asshole boyfriend, Brian. I guess she didn't want to die, and this last choking/fight incident made her realize that. He almost busted her windpipe, and she's gonna have to wear turtleneck shirts all week to work to cover the bruses. Hopefully she doesn't go back to him. It's sad that her kids have to be around when this shit happens.
Thank God my life doesn't have this much drama in it anymore. I couldn't handle it. I like my nice peaceful (boring) life.....hehe

eBay item 1581025241 (Ends Nov-15-02 18:59:59 PST )Think they were trying to make some kind of statement with the Osama bin Laden poster in the background??

Nevermind, I fixed it!
I fixed Mikayla's Page!! I'm proud of myself. I began to think that I didn't know what i was doing.

Attention Web Designers That Know What They Are Doing
I just got Mikayla's New Site up and running, but there's a glitch. I got the template off the web, and I'm getting ready to email the person that created it cause I'm running out of ideas. Above the buttons there is this patch of background that comes through, and I don't know why. It seems to be worse the bigger the page is (more scrolling). I don't know how to fix it, but it is very annoying. If anyone wants to check out the source code and tell me what they think, I'm open to suggestions at this point.

My Poems
Since I've been so busy doing web stuff, I figured I'd put a couple old poems I wrote on here. These are from about 5 months after Bobby died, I got into drugs really bad. This is what I wrote living in an abandoned apartment at 16 in with a user boyfriend who fed me dope to keep me happy (it must not have worked....lol):

5/18/97
The clouds roll in and the thunder screams down,
Rescue me, please, from this hell that I've found,
Spinning down deeper, soon to swallow me whole,
Losing the grasp of my own self control,
Yet sometimes the poison slips out of my reach,
And "I'll never go back!" are the words that I preach,
This craving then pokes me with daggers of greed,
As hell is within me and grows from this need,
I'll fight off the hunger that aches for a treat,
I won't let it break me, I admit no defeat,
If I give in again and it pulls me back down,
I'll live with addiction or dead in the ground.

-----A Short One---------

A sweet and sour image in a pale and brittle sky,
And even though I'm falling deeper I still don't want to die,
So I breathe beyond the scattered rain that falls within my heart,
But every time the tears are dry the storm begins to start.

Trying to be a web designer
I haven't blogged because I have been working on web pages. I might have a small job making a web page for a foster home/adoption place, so I'm tryin to work on my skills. I definitely won't go as far as to say I'm a professional web designer by any means, it would be just something I could do to get some money though. I could prolly get $200-$300 for the page, and I don't think it would be anything big either. We'll see. I have to make a good page to show I know what I'm doing. Thats what I'm working on now.

Mmmmmm
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, I just so happen to eat mine in a pie form :)

The J-Lo Blow...ooops
This is .wmv video file of a Fox News Broadcast where the newscaster 'blows his own......ummmm.......career?'.

Fucking Kids!
Well, we're leaving so I can't say much about this.
We were told by our neighbors this morning that someone (prolly fucking kids) went around and spray painted a bunch of homes in our neighborhood, including a few cars. Here is what they did to our home. You can tell it's the work of some stupid kid, because they changed our house number from 15 to 12, only something a little punk would do for a thrill. They went all the way down the homes on our street and did the same thing, changing the number. Thank God they didn't touch our cars. We have been told by the cops that since they didn't get caught in the act, there probably isn't nothing that can be done. We are now in the process of trying to figure out how in the hell to get red pain off siding. Stupid little punks!

Judge Caught For Smoking Pot At Rolling Stones Concert
I would say that people should lighten up, but he has probably sent a few people away on drug charges. So much for upholding the law.

Just re-heated some chilli in the microwave and realized I need to clean that too, dammit! It never ends! Grr

Angry Bed Positions

Come On Barbie Let's Go Party
I get to clean today....woo hoo!! I'm feeling pretty upbeat about it though. Just turn on some music and get the job done, it's the only way to do it. I'm gonna stain a coffee table today too. JR gave it to us cause we don't have one in our livingroom, we just had to sand it and stain it. I hope it turns out alright, I've never stained anything before. I have to do the staining while mikayla is taking a nap because I have to do it in the bathroom so it has a place to dry.
It's so nice out today. That could be another reason I'm feeling so upbeat. I'm about ready to open up the windows. It's supposed to get up to 68 degrees today, thats really nice for this time of year. Beats the hell out of the highs in the 30's we had last week.
We went shopping last night and got some presents for Lana's son, Camerons' birthday. We also got some stuff for Mikayla's birthday and some christmas shopping. I love shopping, but I hate when you get to the checkout and the bill comes up to $275, ouch! We had a little extra money on this check for christmas, and there it went. It also took some we didn't have budgeted for, but we'll be okay. Noah gets paid again in another week, and that check won't be too bad. He gets three checks this month, instead of two, so we're gonna do alright for Christmas.
I'm jammin on music to try and keep myself pumped for this house cleaning thing. I have to:
Do the Dishes (I just got done)
Laundry (already started, but I rarely put it away...lol)
Pick up the livingroom
Sweep/Mop the kitchen
Clean off the kitchen table
Put Mikayla's old clothes in boxes
Vaccume
Stain the coffee table
Make two apple pies before the apples go bad

Think I can get it all done? Well, it would probably help if I got off here....hehe
I'll update ya in a few hours! Unless I get lost in the laundry, then it might be a few days. Mountains of laundry, and I'm not joking!

Something to think about
You can call me crazy if you want to, but this is a sudden theory.
I was checkin my email, as I do often during the day. I found an email that said 'mail delivery failed: returning message to sender'. I know this to be span of some sort, because I never sent any email in the past few days, and I definitely didn't send it back to myself. I have tried to find somewhere to send the message to aol to put a 'warning' on it or whatever. But I can't seem to find an 'aol warning' link of anykind.
What if (big stretch here) aol was suddenly being conrolled by some sort of terrorist group, and they are sending messages via aol? And there is definitely coding in these messages, and as not to be tracked, they are using aol user's email addresses to send these messages.
What could aol ever say when they were caught. uhhhh...let me guess, "someone hacked and we didn't know about it".
Anyways, enough of my rablings. Have to get back to our movie, 'I'm gonna git you sucka".

Here We Go Again
Bright sun shinny me isn't here right now. Please leave a message after the click and I will get back to you soon.

Play George W. Bush Board Game With All Your Friends!
Just a little something I got off of hbo.com after watching the documentary on George W. Bush by some chic in the press core. They really made him look like a dumbass!! I guess you are what you eat, and he loves bologna and cheese (cheesy and full of bologna, ha ha, get it? okay, so I'm not funny).

Blog Lazy
I've been busy taking care of JR and then coming home and cleaning, most nights i am too wore out to get on here. Besides, Noah has discovered how to create VCD's (generic version of DVD's) and so he's been downloading about 10 gig worth of porn. He actually paid $20 for a service to get the best porn he could find. Woo friggin Hoo. Sorry, I'm usually more interested in his porn dealings, but I guess after a couple of gig, it gets a little old.
I actually get to stay home today. I called JR and told him that I didn't feel like driving down in the snow and asked if he could have one of the guys that live with him make him breakfast. Besides, I have mountains of laundry that need some attention, and a sick little girl who would rather sleep in her own bed. I have an appointment with the shrink again today. This is only the second appointment, we had to figure out all the insurance bullshit so we didn't have to pay $50 everytime we went to see him. That's $200 a month if I go weekly, that could be a new car! I got it, why don't we just say I went to the shrink and instead spend that money on a new car for me!! Yeah, thats a good idea! Okay, so maybe noah wouldn't go for it, but I sure would love a new car.
Rug rat is waking up. In the words of Arnold Swartz-a-something (or Arny Baby as my mom calls him), "I'll be back".

Trick Or Treat!!
So we went trick or treating last night. Don't ask me why I thought it to be wise to take a baby just under a year old out in icy cold weather, scream in strangers faces, and whine (instead of moo, she was supposed to be a cow) the whole time, just for the chance at 5 measly little pieces of candy she can't even eat. I'm tellin' ya, I was in full brainiac mode last night.
We're walking down the street with my sister, her hubby, and their two boys. We took the stroller, but Mikayla wasn't having anything to do with it, but I walked it around anyways. It offset the orangeness of the empty pumpkin candy holder that it carried in her place.
As Lana took her boys up to the door, Noah followed with Miki in hand, but stood 10 feet from the door. The people passing out candy could see her from a distance, most saying "oh, what a cute puppy". GRrrr, she's supposed to be a cow, hello!! She has a big cow face right on the belly! So by about the 4th house, I was ready to cut off the little nubbies from next the ears and the cow on her belly and call her a puppy, just to get it over with. I kept telling Noah to go up to the door so people could see that she was a cow, and not a puppy. He would not. He would walk half way up to the door with her, and that was as far as he went. People didn't know whether to throw candy at him or to boo him and his 'puppy' away. So I decided I would take her up to a door and show her off. Great Idea! I even picked the scariest house, with a big flashing strobe light and halloween music! Perfect for an already crabby, don't like people when she's crabby, absolutely fine with becoming crabbier, poor little 11 month old mad dalmation cow. So I walk her up there behind Caleb and wait for him to get his candy. She's alright at that point, so I figure I'll bring her down to the bowl and let her grab her own candy. Well, the man that was passing it out thought she was cute and tried to give her an 'oh, your so cute' poke in the belly. Oh NO! She jumped, and then screamed, and then screamed louder! I have never seen her jump like that. I told the man I was sorry, but I couldn't help but be sooo embarrased. Smart mommy I was, let me tell ya! So she screamed for pretty much the rest of the time, and I was just plain ready to go home. I felt like an idiot, and I felt bad for scaring the shit out of my daughter. She was cold, and tired, and didn't like people calling her a puppy, so we decided it best to just get in a warm house. So we went back to my sisters, her boys were done anyways.
Once we got inside, of course, she was fine. She crawled around and played with the kitties, and tried to get her cousins candy. She wasn't interested in the sugar as much as she was the shiney wrappers. Although she did find a sucker that was MIA in the bedroom, cat hair and all...mmmm.
After about 20 minutes, Noah picked her up because she was crying, and I began to look at her hands. They were still red, and got worried, so I the proceeded to ask my sister if she thought Mikayla had gotten freezer burnt. Okay, Night Was Over. I had officially lost it. Time to go to bed now. Night Night Duh Mommy. I think these long days of watching 30 seconds of every show on TV has offically clouded my thinking processes.

There is a bloated animal cracker floating in a bowl of water in my sink.
Time of Death: Unknown
Cause of Death: Suicide
Reason: I'm guess it didn't want to have it's head bitten off piece by piece by an 11 month old.
Survived By: His cousin's, Jimmy the Girafe, Tommy the Lion, Ezekel the Elephant, and his sister, name unknown. She looks like a cow of some sort, maybe a buffalo.

I'm really getting tired of this. I don't want to go this morning. One thing I'm beginning to learn about older people, is that if you take too good care of them they begin to act more needy. I'll explain all later. Have to go sit and pray that I get to watch a show all the way through. JR is the worst channel surfer in the world.

Happy Halloween!!
I carved me a pumpkin tonight! Had me tons of fun! Check it out Here. I've been in a really good mood lately. Just been taking care of JR. Mikayla have been having tons of fun with him. She takes her naps on his lap, and he loves it. I'm so glad that she isn't crying around him anymore. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that he doesn't have nasty liquor breath.
JR told me that he's done with drinking. I'm crossing my fingers! I think this scare with cancer (lets hope it's just a scare) has really given him a dose of reality. I don't think he wants to spend the rest of his life oblivious to the world, he just never had a good enough reason to stop. I'm hoping this is a good enough reason. He hasn't drank in over a week, so there is hope.
I'll be taking care of JR for the rest of the week, and I have to take him to an appointment next Monday. That is when he will see the doctor about his possibly cancerous kidney. He had a doctor tell him that he's pretty confident that it is cancer, but this appointment will let us know for sure. JR is doing pretty good at getting around with his walker, but I think he keeps me around because he enjoys the company. I enjoy it, too. I'm glad he's getting to spend so much time with Mikayla. I was always afraid that she wouldn't know him because he drank all the time. I'm hoping this turns out to be a good thing that happened. I mean, if something good can come out of this accident, it's going to be him finding the cancer early and him being able to kick his drinking. He might need more help with the drinking though. Once this all clears up, I'm afraid he's gonna go back. Hopefully this experience shows him what he would be missing.
I will try to keep this updated. With spending my days at JR's and my nights with Noah, it's kinda tough, but I'll squeeze it in. I need somewhere to vent, and this is the perfect place.

For Noah's Birthday.....hehe
OK, I can't leave this part out. This last weekend Noah and I decided to spend Saturday for him, for his birthday. I told him that we can do anything that he wants, and I wasn't lying. We took Mikayla to his parents for the night, and started off the day by going to a local arcade. He likes playing games, and we figured that would be a good way to start off the day. It was a nickle arcade, so the games were really cheap. They had pool tables too, and only 40 cents a game! So we stayed there for about 3 hours, and then took off to go to this ska concert that he wanted to go to. When we got there, we realized it was really small and filled with tons of gothic 16 year olds. We were totally out of place, so we decided just to go check out this sports bar that has really good drinks. When we got there, we realized they were gonna have a band, so we stayed for to listen. The band was Flipside, and they were pretty cool. Well, atleast until after the first break, then it turned to mushy songs and I don't think either of us were in the mood for mushy. So I asked Noah what he wanted to do. And if you know men, especially my man, you would know what he said. Oh yes, the titty bar. He wanted to go to the strip club. I don't have a problem with it, I've let him go plenty of time with his friends and I even went with them once before. But this time it was just Noah and I, so it was a little different. Noah can thank the beer, because I was pretty drunk and very happy to give him what he wanted. And yes, I gave him what he wanted, lots of it....hehe.
When we first got there, we overheard someone over one of the bouncer's radios say that someone was jerking off in the bathroom! We knew right then this was gonna make for an interesting evening. So we paid the cover, and went inside. We had to stand for a bit before getting a table, but we finally got to sit down. After about 10 mins of just sitting there and watchin the dancer on stage, I decided to get something going.
The was a woman in the corner where the girls walked out from, and I could tell that she was the "momma hen", or atleast that's what I called her. I could tell she watched over the girls. So I walked up to her and told her that it was my husbands birthday, and I wanted him to have a good time. I said the girls would get paid (so she didn't think I was pullin the freebee birthday thing), and that I wanted to know if she could help me make sure he had a good time. She reasured me that he would have a great time. So I sat back down. Not more than 3 minutes later, a really beautiful woman walked up and began to give Noah a dollar dance. Oh, he was loving it. After she was done grinding her breasts in his face, she walked over to me and began to give me a dance also. I figured "hell, Noah will love it" and I didn't mind it at all. I appreciate a nice woman's body as much as he does, I'm just a little insecure about my own. I could tell he throughly enjoyed watching. After that was over, and he basked in his glory for a while, I told him to go up to the stage. A seat opened up, and I wanted him to get the 'full view'. He went up there for about 10 minutes, and watched the girls dance. I was happy to sit back and watch him enjoying himself.
You see, the good thing about Noah is that he doesn't make me feel like these girls are better than me. We both understand that they are there to turn people on, that is their job, and they're good at it. So why not enjoy them at work, then go home and enjoy 'us' at work..hehe
Well, a few beers later, I decided it was time to turn up the heat. I asked Noah which girls he liked the most. He told me he liked the first girl that gave him a dollar dance, and this other girl wearing a long shear robe. I really liked the girl with the robe better, and decided to ask her for a dance. She came up to Noah, and gave him a dollar dance, and then she gave me one also. Before she was finished, I whispered in her ear "I can't leave here without you giving my ole man a private dance, and I wanna watch". She looked very happy to do it, and I told her to come back when she was ready. She came back a few minutes later, but didn't rush to the back room. She sat down in front of me, and told me how tired she was. I told her to just relax, and she rested her head on my lap. I brushed her hair and rubbed her neck and her back softly. Noah looked jealous! I could understand that this girl was tired, and she probably enjoyed someone just giving her a break and a little rub instead of grabbing her tits and ass. She got up and proceeded to take us to the back. I decided to give Noah a final bang for the night, so I sat in the chair to get my own private dance first. Noah sat in another chair and watched. That girl grinded up on me and rubbed her pierced breasts in my face, the whole shabang! Noah told me later just exactly how much that turned him on. When she was done with me, she took Noah into the chair and gave him all she had. Grinding all over his manhood, rubbing her soft skin on his face (and she smelled good, too). Oh he had so much fun. I'm still hearing about it. He loved watching me first, then him getting a taste. I know he's praying for a threesome (keep prayin, honey! maybe when we're 40).
I know I'm gonna hear about that night for a while. That's okay, I enjoyed myself too. I'm just glad we can both do it together without all the jealousy bullshit.
I'm sorry to cut this short, but my Noah is in need so I have to go. I just had to update on what was going on and I could not leave that part out. Maybe I'll get more detailed about it later! It was fun fun fun! Must go, so be back soon!
Ta Ta For Now!

The Not So Busy, Busy Me
I miss my quiet days of feeling like shit..........not!
I've spent the last couple of days taking care of JR at his house. Makin sure he has meals, medication, and helping him to the potty (and yes, he wipes all on his own). I'll have to blog more about this later. Kinda busy.
Until then, check out this article. Don't know what to think about it. Something about a suit a bunch of the sept 11 families are bringing against saudi arabia for their part in the attacks, and the government might stop it.
U.S. May Ask Court to Dismiss a $1 Trillion Suit Linking Saudis to Al Qaeda and 9/11

Ta Ta For Now

Happy Birthday Noah
Today, Noah is 24 years old. He thinks he's ancient. Poor Noah is getting old. I guess he must be. As soon as we got home tonight, the first thing he did was lay down on the couch and fall asleep. I figured he'd expect a whole night of weird sexual favors or something, but oh no, he had to go to sleep. Poor old Noah.

Yes Sir, May I Have Another?
They are talking about letting JR out of the hopital after dinner tonight, but he's in a bunch of pain. He is not a whiner, so I know when he doesn't want to move it's because it really hurts. They already had him up once walking, but that is what caused him to be in so much pain today. He doens't want to have to do it again, but they are gonna force him to walk before they let him out.
I'm afraid that he's gonna get out and get drunk because it's been a few days, and think he can walk without his brace or walker, and end up hurting himself worse. I made arrangements to spend the days with him and my mom is gonna spend the nights. I just want to make sure someone is there to get him what he needs so he doesn't have to strain himself, and also to keep him safe. If we can't keep him drink-free, we can atleast keep him safe when he does drink. The whole drinking vs. pain killers thing worries me, maybe I'll just tell him if he is gonna drink that he isn't gonna get any pain medication 'cause he's already medicating himself.
I've had my biological father, Al, call me the past two nights in a row, telling me that I'm not legally tied to JR, so if something happens to him, what I want and my opinions don't mean shit. I'm sure he called the second night because the first night he was so drunk he doesn't remember what he said. Oh joy. I love getting told how worthless I am to that family if JR isn't concious. I still don't understand why he called me and told me that. At first it sounded like an inheritance thing, but when I told him I didn't care about inheritance and I just accepted the fact that his kids are gonna have right to everything, he changed it to "if he became incompacitated". Well, first off, there is no Living Will, so even if he does, nobody is really gonna be able to say anything anyways. And secondly, if their is a choice to be made, I'm sure as hell not going to put myself in the position to solely make that decision. Even if I was in that position, I would consult the rest of the family before doing anything. Al told me to broach the subject with JR in 'casual conversation'. How in the hell do you do that? "Hey, I just wanted to talk about how I can become legally tied to you in case the event something happened?" Or better yet, "Will you make me the one who gets to make all the important decisions?" or "Am I in your will?". I know I'm sounding cold hearted, but the second I bring up anything like this, no matter how 'nicely' I word it, the rest of his side of the family is gonna think that I'm a greedy bitch.
I know Jimmy and Shiela don't believe that Lana and I or entitled to anything, especially since our biological father came in the picture around the time I was 17. But is that supposed to suddenly erase JR from raising us all those years??
I just try not to think about JR dying as much as I can. If he does die, I guess everything will happen as it's supposed to. Jimmy and Shiela have been fighting the stuff that they get when he dies for years now, and he's not even dead yet. I don't want to put myself in that pathetic position. It truely discusts me, and thats why I can't imagine doing such a thing.

Do you want to know why you have to deal with it?

Just because.

Bobby
This is why death is hard for me right now. These are things i wrote while Bobby was in the hopital, and after Bobby died. The times are written above each writing. Bobby went into the hopital on Jan 9th, and died on Jan 16th.

1/10/97
Broken down, I fade away,
No reason in this world to stay,
Bits and pieces fly apart,
Screams inside my shattered heart,
This need I feel I cannot hide,
The reason why I have not died,
And now I turn my head to run,
Before I grab the fucking gun,
While bleed is all I ever do,
One last time, I bleed for you.

1/11/97

I avoided the hospital all day today. It's too much to see you there, dying. In fact, I spent all day in bed sleeping. Maybe I'm hoping I'll wake up and you'll be all better. Well, when I woke up tonight it was from my sister telling me Derek was here. When I went into the living room, I saw Derek, Shannon, and Ray. They told me that your lung collapsed at 1:00am this morning, but the doctor said you're doing better than you have all weekend. Charity told Ray to tell me to come up to the hospital. I told Ray to tell her that I won't come up there. Ray also took your ticket because Charity said something about it. I don't know when I'll be able to go back to the hospital. I can't stand to be away from you for too long, so sooner or later I'll have to face my fears.

1/12/97

It's Tuesday night. I'm spending the night at the hospital with Charity, Ray, Cindy, and Rob. I got to see you for the 9 and 11pm visits. I hear your getting better, but your mom keeps pointing out all the bad things. She says your in septic shock from the move from Broadlawns to Methodist. And if you go deeper in this shock, we'll need a miracle to bring you back. I don't want to heat that. When I was with you, I stood at your side and held your hand. Charity didn't mind that I held your hand and rubbed your arm because your mom told me to. I wanted to anyway, but that basically gave me permission to do it. I asked you questions to see if you would respond, and you squeezed my hand. It almost brought tears to my eyes because you knew it was me standing there holding your hand. Even if you don't remember it, I know it will help you fight. You have to fight. I couldn't bear to lose you now. Not when your so close to pulling through. I had to deal with Ray and Charity's parents last night. They threatened to call the cops on me if I didn't stay and watch the girls. They said I could get into trouble for having the ticket and Charity's food stamps. And they pointed the finger at me telling me the crank I gave you made your lung fill up with fluid. They don't understand how that made me feel. I felt like it would be my fault if didn't make it. Your mom told me today that they are just trying to find someone to blame. That still doesn't give them the right to point the finger at me. It's already hard to deal with as it is without people pointing the finger at me saying, "she hid the ticket...She gave him the drugs". No one understands why I don't want to come up to the hospital. If they would let me, I would spend every waking minute by your side, but I can't. I hope and pray I'm there when you wake up.
I want to wrap my arms around you and let you know I was there every second waiting for you. I watched Tessa and Tiffany today until Ray went to work at 5. Alan's still making moves on me, but as long as I'm not alone with him, he's harmless. I miss having you around. Touching your skin, running my fingers through your hair. God, Bobby, you better make it. I don't know what I'd do without you around. I think Charity and I are getting along better than before, maybe because we want to be strong for you instead of fighting. Rays still trying to get in my pants. I told him I'm waiting for you. I just can't because it's too painful to do that to you while your in the hospital. Believe it or not, I really do care about you. I know what love is. Keith made me a tape to listen to. He's my sister Lana's boyfriend. They understand how hard this is for me. I had to go through this before with Lana when she overdosed. I almost lost my sister, just like I almost lost you. You're pulling out of it though, and thank God for that. I think I'll wake up tomorrow for the 7am visit. Maybe I could catch you by yourself before everyone else woke up. I want to kiss you. Maybe somehow you'll know it's me. I think you can sense I'm there when I hold your hand and talk to you. But I better end this before the lights get any dimmer. I really care about you, and I'll help you fight with everything in me to get through this.
-------
Bobby died on Thursday, January 16, 1997 due to complications of pneumonia. The letters were written in hopes he will someday read them. He was buried at Highland Memorial Gardens Cemetery. 'Stairway to Heaven' by Led Zepplin and 'Don't Cry' by Guns 'N Roses were played during the funeral service. Brian Moffit was his lifelong best friend, and we cried in each other arms at the funeral. I hope I was good comfort for him, and he was for me through Bobby's death.

I held your hand,
Did you know I was there?
Waiting for you with hope and a prayer,
If God didn't take you,
I surely would,
Back into my arms,
If only you could,
I wanted to hold you,
Oh, I wished you were mine,
Yet somehow you were in our own secret time,
I cried and I whispered as he took you away,
You are locked in my memory,
With my heart you will stay.

Distant Memories fall to sleep,
As I wait for death to dream,
A clouded figure appears in his place,
And I lose the breath to scream,
I stand in the darkness, alone and afraid,
As I wait for the shadow to form,
Never the blue eyes that fog through my brain,
Just the sharp, shallow glare of the storm.

4/6/97

As I reached for the petal from the rose on his grave,
I would give all the world for his love that I crave,
It's hard to believe his sweet smile is gone,
Snatched from my life like the stars in the dawn,
I watched his bright start softly twinkle and fade,
And the knife in my heart cut worse than a blade,
For one final time, I kissed his warm head,
But the pale skin I touched was painfully dead,
I made him a promise from deep in my heart,
I'll never forget him while we are apart,
I know I can't claim that which never was mine,
But for his love, I'd commit such a crime,
Another girl did claim the love in his heart,
but a love so impure that it ripped him apart,
She may have his children with his deep blue eyes,
but love isn't made with manipulative lies,
Only three months we shared what love could create,
Now I know and regret, I was a lifetime too late,
I have nothing to hold and remember his face,
So I keep cherished memories in some deep inner place,
It's hard to realize that loves not only lies,
And then watch it all crumble as the one you love dies,
But he knows that I'll miss him and feel he's still there,
His blue eyes protect me and the bond that we share.

4/13/97

Sweet, mythical words from a slow, distorted song,
And alone without your love my heart reaches on and on,
I pass away into the night with dreams I can't explain,
And just to brush you with my fingertips is a need I can't contain,
Unable to grab the wind as it breezes on by,
Someday I'll explain to my heart I need to let you die.

Tonight I drink myself silly
I keep looking at shit like this and this. It's driving me crazy thinking about JR with cancer. How bad is it? Are they gonna put a limit on his life?

Is This All You Got?
You better ask yourself that question, cause I know I do all the time. Especially when I'm feeling like shit and want to say "fuck the world". This is your stage, ready for you. Everything is pounding, just waiting for you to explode. And what are doing? Are you ready? Are you taking this life, this opportunity that you have? What if it is the only opportunity that you have? What if this is the only life that you have, your only conciousness, your only chance to express who you are and what you have inside. Are you gonna sit there with your tail between your legs? Are you gonna rush at it with all you have? Quit saying "it's life" because it's your fucking life! You're young, you're ready. Fuck the excuses, you know if you blow it that it's your own fault. You have it in you, if you want to have it.
Do you want it?
Really?
Fucking prove it!

I want to read the article below, but I have to subscribe and it's atleast 6.95 a month!! Outrageous! I guess thats what the world is coming to, you want good news you have to pay to support the people who will get it.
World Watch Daily: Asia
US says Pakistan gave technology to N Korea
American intelligence officials have concluded that Pakistan, a vital ally since last year's terrorist attacks, was a major supplier of critical equipment for North Korea's newly revealed clandestine nuclear weapons program, current and former senior American officials said today...

WorldNetDaily: Shootings to spread to other cities?
This is an interesting arcticle, talking about how the attacks could be from a terrorist group getting a feel of what kind of reaction they could get from doing this sort of thing (the sniper attacks). Basically saying that this could be a 'test run' of sorts to preparing for doing this widespread.

They're Talking Cancer
Just got a call from JR. They did an ultrasound on his kidney, and they say it looks like cancer. They have to do a biopsy to be sure, and that will either be done today or tomorrow. He said the doctors say they caught it early, so they should be able to contain it. We can only pray.
I guess the pain in his kidney that he's been feeling, he says is in the other kidney. I'm not sure how someone can even say they feel pain exactly in their kidney's at all, much less decifer whether or not it's the left or right one. Must have something to do with him being a boxer when he was younger and getting punched in the kidneys. I guess when you realize they were punched, you know where they are at.
JR drinks alot, has my whole life. He has calmed down a bunch in his older years, but he can still be rowdy if he wants to. Sometimes when he drinks he gets sentimental about his life, his very busy life. He's been a boxer, a bouncer, a father 3 times over (his blood children, plus 5 step-children from a second marriage and 2 step-children from my mother), a husband twice (would have been three but my mother never married him), a widower, a homeless man, a home owner many times over, in prison, hit by a train, stabbed, shot, and admired for his courage. I'm not saying he's been a nice man his whole life, but he's had heart. Noah admires him for his honor, something his only son Jimmy, extremely lacks. Jimmy likes to pride himself in being like his dad, but one thing he doesn't realize is that the main similarity lay in muscle, and I'm not talking about the heart.
JR has told me many times that he would like to write a book about his life, but he's not a writer and would need someone to do it for him. I have told him that I would love to do that, but we have never gotten around to doing it. Maybe now would be a good time to get started. There are lots of things about his life that I do not know, but would love to. How can a man who was beat and stabbed by his dying father live to treat his own children like gold? It would be interesting to take a trip through his mind and his life, and truely begin to understand where his morals and values grew from. I'm sure life in itself helped to build him to the person he is today, a much better person than he was in his youth.
I hope that I have the strength and the persistence to take on such a task of helping a man retrace his life and his emotions. Especially a man who tends to cover up these emotions by drinking. And I sincerely hope that God gives us the time to record his story. I'm sure that most of it will die with him if we don't write it down before God calls him home.

Catch Up Day
I've been cleaning today to catch up from the busy weekend. I can't begin to explain to you how much I absolutely hate laundry. I made a pact with Noah that if I wash and dry the laundry, he helps me put it away. Now I must say, that worked for about 2 or 3 times, and now we have a pile of clean laundry in our bedroom, and it's growing. It's not the cleaning it, it's the putting it away thats a giant pain in my ass......lol
Doing the dishes today took well over an hour, and they still didn't all fit in the dishwasher. Dirty pans and baby bottles are what makes the process longer, if you were wondering.
I have a baby jail in my livingroom to keep Mikayla safe while I run around cleaning everything (otherwise known as a play yard play pen thingy). She's currently waking up from a nap right now, which means I can get back to making tons of cleaning noise. There's always things to be done, doesn't mean I want to do them though........lol
I've been watching CNN about the sniper thing thats going on right now. I'm really getting sick of main stream media. I think I'm gonna shut off the tv and fish around on the net. If anyone knows of any good news sources that arn't a part of the mainstream media, let me know. It's hard to know who to trust anymore. You can take just about anything and word it just a little differently to get a more emotional reaction. And for a person like me, those emotional reactions make all the difference, and I'm getting a little sick of being played off my emotions by the media.

Gee, I'm not melodramatic, am I?
JR's okay. He is gonna be in the hospital for a while, and bed ridden for probably a month, but other than that he's gonna be okay. Recovery is gonna take some time, and it could be months before he can walk normally. He also messed up his shoulder pretty good by dislocating it. I've had problems with my shoulders dislocating, and even had surgery on one, but mine arn't as bad as his. You have to figure that mine started from a stupid fight and not a 20ft fall out of a tree. The bloating that he had was from his bowels shutting down. I guess thats normal with a serious back injury like this, and it should come back to normal in a few days.
The new thing that is worrying us now is that they found a mass on one of his kidney's that they want to biopsy. I spent most of today sick with stress, I didn't get more than 2 hours of sleep last night, and showed up at the hospital at 5am this morning. I finally got some more sleep tonight after fighting nausea and feeling just absolutely unreal. I've never had stress so bad that it made me sick until today. I still feel sick, but I'm getting better. I'm going to try to get some more sleep. I just wanted to give an update.

I was going to blog about world issues, but something else has come up. I got a call just a few mins ago that my step-dad fell out a tree 20feet off the ground. He's at the hospital right now, he dislocated his shoulder, broke his back, and broke some other things, but I didn't remember what else after they said that he broke his back. I got the call from Lisa, my brother's girlfriend. They are at the hospital with him right now. JR, my step-dad is 62 years old, anything at his age is bad, and I know that he will never been the same. I guess I'm just in shock right now. I'm sitting here wondering what I should do. Noah is waiting until he gets off work in about 45 mins, and then we are going to drop Mikayla off with his dad and head over to the hospital.
I told Lisa that I wanted to come down to the hospital right now, but she said to wait because they were thinking about transferring him to a hospital in Iowa City, about 3 hours away. They can do more for him there. I can only think that if they are wanting to transfer him to Iowa City, that it must be bad. I'm scared, I hope whatever is wrong is not life threatening. I could not imagine losing him. He was the only dad I ever had until I was 17, and even after that, I have been closer to him than anyone else in my family besides my sister, Lana.
He called me earlier today to ask where I wanted to put the fridge we were keeping in his garage, because he wanted to clean it out. It's hard to think that just after I talked to him, this happened. And I don't even really know what happened. When I talked to him on the phone, he told me that he was going to pick Shiela's boyfriend, Brian, up from work and Brian was going to help him clean out his garage.
He told me a few days ago that he had a bunch of branches from trimming trees that he wanted Shiela and Brian to help him load into his truck to haul off. I can only imagine that what happened was that when Brian got there today they decided to trim a few more branches and thats when the accident happened.
I can't help but be mad at Brian right now for letting a 62 year old man climb 20 feet up in a tree, plus I'm sure that both of them were drinking. But I know that JR is so stubborn that if he really wanted to do it, Brian wouldn't have stopped him anyways.

Update
Lisa just called me and told me that they decided to transfer him to another hospital in Des Moines. I'm sure it's because he has no insurance that they won't send him to Iowa City, or better worded, Iowa City won't take him without insurance. She told me that he can move his feet, but his stomach is getting bloated and they don't know why. I don't know exactly what bloated means, I guess it's taking on some form of liquid or something, or maybe swelling, I don't know.
I'm fumbling around the house trying to find my purse. My cigarettes are in my purse, and I can't find it. I hope Noah gets home soon, I want to get to the hospital to find out what is going on. I'm sure Lisa is holding out on me. She sounded scared on the phone. I want to get there so I know what is going on. I want to be there for him. I'm praying, I want to be there and pray for him. I want to be close to him.
I just hate the fact that this is running the same course as it did when Bobby died. I'll have to explain that one later, but basically I had a boyfriend when I was 16, he was 18, he got pneumonia really bad. He was at Broadlawns Hospital (where JR is at now) and they transferred him to Methodist Hospital (where they are going to transfer JR to). Bobby died a week later. This is too similar for me. I feel out of control, and scared. I wish I could find my cigarettes.

Very Disturbing
...you'll have to highlight it to read it though, the author of the page made it in red on a greyish cloud background. Hurts the eyes.
A Visit to a Slaughterhouse

I Don't Understand the Dream World
I had a friggin dream that ended with the Veggie Tales song "Barbara Manatee". What is wrong in my brain???
I was around a bunch of druggies and I had Mikayla sleeping in the backroom. Lisa told me she was pregnant (she can't get pregnant), some drug head was sitting in a chair telling me about how the kids from Norwalk always came back with 'good shit' (good dope), and some chick I didn't even know had a wedding dress that she was showing me. What is up with that dream???

Here's the new link to Caleb's Autism Page. I'm gonna put it in my links soon.
Caleb's Page

More Pictures

A Greeting From My Mother

I don't think this link will work for very long, so here is the message:

Lindsey,
[A Picture that Says:]
You're everything I could've hoped for in a daughter! (Plus a few things that never even crossed my mind...)
[Her Message:]
I CARE! I also hug, listen, and own great big bottle of Tequila! LOL (Sorry, just couldn't help myself!) Seriously...I LOVE you with all my heart and soul. (Is that altruistic?) I want nothing but the best for you and your complete happiness. You are made in my image (tee hee) and from my love (ok, i'm in denial here...lest we forget to mention the other 1/2 of your equation! lol) Again, being more real here...You and I are one in the same, and of this, I am extremely proud to have YOU as my daughter.

Now that you are a mother in your own right, you are becoming aware of feelings that mothers hold for their daughters. With that realization, we hold a common bond. As Mikayla grows and the more you share life together, the more this innate sense of love called motherhood will continue to deepen and enhance your bond with her; the more our bond will mature also. You will come to know what I have felt for you all these years, but often haven't been able to make you see.

There is NOTHING in this world...nothing...that can tear those bonds apart! Always remember this.

This has been another of my lame attempts to project my feelings. I just want you to CHEER UP and remember that I will ALWAYS be here!

(And if you can deal with THAT--you can deal with anything!)

Love always,

Your not so perfect Mommy

--- I Love My Mommy :) ---

I had to make a place to put all the goofy things Noah says, so here it is:
Noah's Notable Quotes

Larry, the green penis that sings and dances

Tampons: Satan's Little Cotton Fingers

I got drunk last night, I feel like shit today. Noah gets off at 2pm today cause he was planning on going to the therapist, but that fell through so i guess he's just coming home to come home. Don't know why, I feel like shit and won't be all that exciting. Oh well, that is all the drunk philosophy I have for today, i'm going to rest.

Feeling A Little Better Now
Today is our three month anniversary, and we decided to celebrate with some cake, champaign, and a night full of sex! We put Mikayla to bed early, and away we went...hehe
I'm feeling alot better. Maybe if I just had hours of sex everynight I would be this happy all the time!! I worked up quite and appetite. Gonna go get something to snack on, and then curl up with Noah and pass out watching a movie! The last half of this Sunday wasn't bad if I do say so myself. Things are beginning to look up! And I pray that the sex Gods bless you with good sex also!!!
Ta Ta For Now!

Big Suprise
I know I'm not good at blogging on the weekends. Usually too much going on to sit down and spill my guts, plus Noah's around to distract me. But here's the scoop. Friday didn't happen. Lisa ended up calling me and saying that she got too drunk the night before and was too hungover to have a birthday party. Yay. Guess I got out of that one, but we hung out with Noah's friends instead. Can't say their much better, actually. The only other girl in the group, named Sara, was little miss sarcasm and there was no talking about anything meaningful with her. So we just sat at the bar, and I drank myself silly do I didn't have to deal with all the stupid comments that everyone was making about everything under the sun. I just want a friend who I can really talk to. I told Sara to call me sometime, I guess I figured that maybe she would be able to open up if she wasn't around all the other guys. The only thing I got from her was the I am a mushy drunk.

More Family Excitement
Tonight is bound to be a buddle of excitement. My step-brother Jimmy is planning on throwing a party for his girlfriend Lisa'a birthday. He's planning on starting out by going to The Funny Bone first, and then go hit the bar scene. Noah has been nominated as the designated driver so everyone can have fun and not worry. I should be more excited about this than I am. I just know that most nights with these guys tend to be more drama than it's worth. I'm just gonna go and celebrate Lisa's birthday as best I can. Maybe even let loose and have a little fun.
I'm kinda pissed cause these Jimmy and Lisa haven't given me anymore money on their debt to me in over a month. And I know I won't see any tonight either, being that all their money is gonna go twards this party. I guess I should put that aside because it's Lisa's birthday, but it's hard when this debt was accumulated out of lies. They lied to me about putting their electricity bill in my name, they lied that they paid it off, and I had to pay for it when I got a call for a collection agency saying that it was gonna go on my credit report if it wasn't paid by a certain date. Since Noah and I would like to get a house someday and don't need a bad mark on either of our credit reports, I had to shell out $400 that we didn't really have. So far we've gotten $120 of that back from them, but it's been almost 5 months since they started paying. And it's like pulling teeth to get the money.
When I went to that therapist, he said to stay away from all the negative people in my life for one week. Fat Chance! The one week I get told to stay away from negative people I get invited to a birthday party by Jimmy and Lisa, I get invited to a grill out by my step-sister Shiela, my mother discovers this blog via my sister's blog, and Noah's family is probably gonna come up our house tomorrow. Noah's family isn't really negative, but his aunt Alice is gonna be with them and she has no problem speaking her mind. So I'm gonna be all nervous and worried about what she thinks of my house. Am I a good housewife? Is it clean enough? Do I decorate just right? Blah blah blah.......
The reason Shiela is negative is because she thinks she fucking queen sheba right now. Read this from my archieve. Shiela even told me one time that if Noah and I don't make it together, it will be my fault. What loving support.
Anyways, I'll try to cheer up tonight, break out and have some fun. I know I need it. I just can't seem to shake this nagging hate that I have for myself right now.

I got a call today from the secretary of the therapist I went to on Tuesday. She told me that this therapist wasn't covered under out insurance, so I guess I won't be going back there. So much for paying someone to listen to me....lol
I don't see myself jumping on the phone and calling around to find someone who is on our insurance, and going in to tell them how stupid I feel all over again, so I guess I'm on my own. No biggie I guess, I'll live. It just felt good having someone on my side telling me that I'm not crazy. Maybe I should get a job like Noah keeps telling me to do. I don't know, I'm too scared of having someone I don't know watching Mikayla. And I won't know if anything bad happens to her cause she's not old enough to tell me.
I'll figure out what I'm going to do eventually. In the mean time, I need to finish up my list of things I need to do around the house. I think I got like 3 things done on the entire list. This damn computer makes me LAZY! And yess, it's all the computers fault, not mine!

I made a site to put pictures up on. Now you can put a face to the madness you find on this blog. I'm gonna put it up in my template soon.
The Many Faces of Me

Things I Need to Do Today
1. Do the dishes
2. Sweep and Mop the kitchen floor
3. Pick up the living room
4. Do a load of Mikayla's laundry
5. Clean Cat's Litter Boxes
6. Weed out Mikayla's summer clothes and put them in boxes.
7. Vaccume the livingroom and our bedroom
8. I guess that means I need to pick up our bedroom first
9. Go Crazy
10. Plan My escape
11. Strangle the voices inside my head
12. Stop bitching and just get to work

I Dream Too Much

Really strange dreams, I must say. I never seem to dream anything too uplifting though. This is my little trip through alternate reality. I can't remember all of it, but I'll try with what I can.

The first thing I can remember is that I'm married to Eric, and we have a house. I'm in the bedroom, and he's out in the garage. I can see the garage through the bedroom window, and I know it's nighttime because they have the light on in the garage. We have two people over, one of them is Daniel, the other I don't know who it was. There's a car in our bedroom, it needed worked on. I really seemed like we had 2 garages and our bedroom just happened to be in one of them.....lol
So the two other guys come into the bedroom to work on the car, and Eric stayed out in the garage doing whatever he was doing. I was talking to them, but the whole time I felt like they shouldn't be in there with me, alone. That I would get in trouble if Eric walked in, even though nothing was going on. They were working on the car, and we were talking, but that was it. I don't remember what we talked about, but I knew they were saying stuff that they wouldn't say when Eric was around. Not that they wanted to get with me or were hitting on me or anything. They were kinda giving me support that they know Eric is an asshole and that they were always there for me, that sort of thing. I just kinda sat on the bed and nodded, watching what they were doing to the car.
When everyone noticed that Eric was coming, the guys just kinda disappeared, and I got out some suckers. For some reason, if I had suckers, and could get Eric to believe that I had been sucking on suckers this whole time, that he wouldn't freak out on me. He walked in with a grease rag, wiping his hands down, looking at me suspicously as I sat on the bed with a pile of empty sucker wrappers and a sucker in my mouth. He stood like a roughneck farmhand, big broad shoulders, very intimidating. I just sucked on my sucker, trying to hold composure, keep my head low, that sort of thing. I guess he bought it cause he walked away without saying a word. On to the next dream.........

This dream certifies the fact that I have been brain washed by winnie the pooh. You see, it was short, I was in some kind of room filled with all sorts of baby things, like clothes and toys and diaperbags. And I'm with one other person but I don't know who they are, and this time I don't even see their face, just hear their voice. As I'm digging around this room, just seeing whats in there, I come across this winnie the pooh diaper bag. Actually, it was the second winnie the pooh diaperbag I had grabbed, but this one looked more interesting. It had a story written on the side. It had little winnies and tiggers and piglets all over it, and the words were written in little purple letters. The voice began to read the story (of course, I don't remember it), but the strange thing was, that the voice didn't finish the story. It stopped like a few sentences from the end. It bugged me so much, I had to read the rest myself. I couldn't leave it unfinished like that. And I knew this was a new diaperbag because I ended up taking out the wrinkly paper that they stuff inside to make it look full. Very strange. On to the next dream...

I'm married to Noah, we have a big house with a big deck and a nice sized yard. It felt like a fresh spring morning, the grass was bright and green, the sky was big and blue. Noah was inside talking to someone about the house, I think we were thinking about doing something to it, either decorating or remodeling. I had mikayla outside in the yard, she was sitting in her walker. I wasn't worried cause the yard was big enough that she could roam a bit and not go into a road or anything. Although there was one road that you could see from standing on the deck that was about the length of a football field away. But I wasn't worried about that, it was a good distance. And it wasn't a busy road either.
So all the sudden I realize I'm outside with mikayla, and I have my wedding dress on. I look just like I do in our wedding pictures, and I'm dancing around, talking to mikayla. Feeling free and poetic and sharing all of that with my daughter. And then I look over to the road, and I notice my mother is parked in a car, just watching me. I can see her critical eyes, starting me down. I can just about hear her scream at me, "what are you doing?" in an extremely judgemental tone. So I get scared and self concious, and I run back into the house to change. I was talking to Noah and the other person when I realized, where's mikayla? I forgot that she was outside. So I run outside and peek around the corner of the house where she was, and she wasn't there. Then I see her walker, and she's not in it. Someone had taken her, where was she?! Was I never gonna see my daughter again? I yelled at the people in the house to call for help, and Noah came outside to look with me. I'm tryin to scream, trying to yell for Mikayla and yell to alert the attention of any neighbors or whoever that was around. Just incase they could see anything. Anyone getting away, so I might be able to find her. I'm trying with all my might to scream, and I can't scream. It's like I have no voice, I lost my voice. I'm pushing for it to come out, but all that comes out is this rhaspy dry sound. And I'm freaking out, and I think Noah ends up grabbing me and holding on to me cause I'm just shaking and screaming.
The next scene kinda jumps. We're in a cafe talking with Lana and some other people, but I'm talking just to Lana. And I tell her that I looked around for Mikayla, but I didn't know where to find her.
Then it jumps back to the scene in the yard, and i'm running around looking under decks and around bushes, and everywhere. And I end up finding Mikayla somewhere. And I grab her, and hold her, and just cry.
Then it goes back to the cafe scene, but this time I have Mikayla in my arms. And I'm saying, "I didn't think she was anywhere to be found. I just knew someone had taken her and searching the yard would be worthless, but I had to try", and I just started choking and crying. It was a very emotional dream. I just remember holding Mikayla really close to me for the rest of the dream, and crying.

I don't know what my dreams mean. I dont' know if they are supposed to mean anything. But I do realize one thing. When I am confident, I have dreams where I win, happy dreams, good dreams. When I'm not confident, or scared, or lonely, I have bad dreams. Not just nightmares, but dreams that shatter how I feel about myself. Dreams where people around me are treating me like shit, stomping on my heart, and things like that. I guess that as my self-confidence gets better my dreams should get better. That would be nice.

I'm in a much better mood now. Noah dragged me to talk to a therapist today, and it was okay. I whined like a baby the whole time, but it feels alot better telling someone "here's the heavy pile of shit that is making me feel bad, you hold it for a while" .......hehe
I'll explain more tomorrow. Noah and I are gonna have some 'us' time. I guess he's much happier with the less bitchy me. OH, and Diana, I promise I'll take me a bath. :) Just gotta get a little dirty first......hehe

Ta Ta For Now!!
*grumble grumble*...that damn winnie the pooh, brainwashing tiggeriffick...*mumble mumble*

Mikayla's eatting dinner, Noah went to hang out with his friend Chris, and I'm sitting here. I'm bored, and lonely. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. I'm trying to clean to keep myself busy, keep my mind busy. I don't think it's working. I'm tired. When Mikayla goes to sleep around 7 or 7:30, I'll prolly go to sleep. I wasn't always this depressing, really.