First Chat with Lana after the Sunday incident
.....if you don't want to read, just scroll down, it's kinda long
LanaP123 (1:13:56 PM): hello hello....hope yer feelin' better (not that you were sick lol)
LanaP123 (1:14:04 PM): Noah's car's done
IDestiny07 (1:14:07 PM): I'm okay
IDestiny07 (1:14:10 PM): cool, I'll tell him
IDestiny07 (1:15:05 PM): noah's now looking for jobs for me and telling me to call on them, yay
LanaP123 (1:15:08 PM): Keith said he ran it for the better part of an hour and nothing leaked....but he did notice a little bit of steam coming off the corner of the radiator so he told me to tell you guys to just keep an eye on it in case it's something
IDestiny07 (1:15:29 PM): okay
LanaP123 (1:15:50 PM): it could be just excess antifreeze burning off but you never know I guess
LanaP123 (1:16:01 PM): fun fun
IDestiny07 (1:16:12 PM): yup
LanaP123 (1:16:36 PM): read yer blog
IDestiny07 (1:17:16 PM): yeah, I was just blabbing, like i always do
LanaP123 (1:17:18 PM): I don't want you to worry about what I think about what you say....I know that sometimes I give you a hard time about the money and maybe (unintentionally) Mikayla, but I don't mean to
IDestiny07 (1:17:43 PM): dont' take anything I say in there to heart, I just like to blow off steam sometimes
LanaP123 (1:17:45 PM): and it's not your job to worry about how I take what you say anyway
IDestiny07 (1:18:05 PM): yeah, it's not my job to worry about what anybody says or thinks but I still do
IDestiny07 (1:18:07 PM): can't help that one
LanaP123 (1:18:50 PM): I just want you to know that I will try harder in the future to not complain when you complain lol
IDestiny07 (1:19:29 PM): you don't have to keep your mouth shut when I offend you, thats not the problem
IDestiny07 (1:19:38 PM): sometimes I'm just scared that I'm gonna hurt you by what I say
IDestiny07 (1:20:27 PM): it's weird, my life is 'perfect' and I hate it, and your life has problems but you are dealing with it and seem to be happy
LanaP123 (1:20:40 PM): I'll survive....I always do....and I'm always here for you no matter what you say
IDestiny07 (1:21:28 PM): I know, it's hard for me to talk to anyone though
IDestiny07 (1:22:00 PM): I feel so alone most times, and I feel pathetic for feeling so sad cause what reason do I have to be sad, my life is 'perfect', right?
IDestiny07 (1:22:55 PM): I mean, I have an understanding wonderful husband, i'm not forced by lack of money to get a job, we pay bills and have money to blow, we have someone who would take miki every other weekend so we can do whatever we want, so whats the problem
IDestiny07 (1:23:12 PM): I dont' have a right to be upset, so why complain to anyone about it
LanaP123 (1:23:43 PM): everybody has problems....even perfect people lol
LanaP123 (1:24:07 PM): they just may not admit it
LanaP123 (1:24:58 PM): and I probably tend to complain about my problems more than I should 'cause I just need to vent sometimes and you're really the only one I have to vent to
IDestiny07 (1:25:00 PM): well what right do I have to admit it, especially when my 'problems' arn't easy to define
IDestiny07 (1:25:08 PM): you're fine
LanaP123 (1:25:12 PM): and I know I probably shouldn't dump all this on you, especially now
IDestiny07 (1:25:23 PM): dump all what, we're just talking
IDestiny07 (1:25:35 PM): I'm not as fragile as I act, trust me
LanaP123 (1:25:37 PM): I'm complaining again lol
IDestiny07 (1:25:38 PM): i'm just a whine ass
IDestiny07 (1:25:41 PM): LOL
LanaP123 (1:26:21 PM): I don't want to offend you by saying this so please don't think I'm trying to diagnose you.....but could it be postpartum depression? or was this all happening before Mikayla
IDestiny07 (1:26:55 PM): I dont think it's post pardum, although i don't understand what that is
LanaP123 (1:26:58 PM): they say onset can happen anywhere up to 12 months after birth
IDestiny07 (1:27:15 PM): but it seems to have been a dip I have taken at differnent points in my life
IDestiny07 (1:27:40 PM): except the other times, I had a different way to vent, I was free to be an idiot and do dope or whatever.....now I have a child and a perfect life to uphold
LanaP123 (1:27:44 PM): so this is just recurrent from previous times
IDestiny07 (1:28:11 PM): noah can tell you about the time about 4 months before miki was born
IDestiny07 (1:28:23 PM): I was drunk almost everyday, wouldn't leave the apartment
IDestiny07 (1:28:38 PM): pretty much like now I just don't drink as much as I did then
IDestiny07 (1:28:49 PM): and I did dope off and on then too, and I don't now
LanaP123 (1:28:53 PM): before she was born or conceived??
IDestiny07 (1:28:58 PM): although I can't say i wouldn't if givin the chance
IDestiny07 (1:29:02 PM): concieved
IDestiny07 (1:29:07 PM): sorry
IDestiny07 (1:29:13 PM): miss calculation there
LanaP123 (1:29:14 PM): worry be there for a sec
LanaP123 (1:29:18 PM): me
IDestiny07 (1:29:20 PM): lol
IDestiny07 (1:30:09 PM): I just feel so damn alone, so useless, just talking to you right now makes me feel a little better
IDestiny07 (1:30:16 PM): but it always seems to go back to the same thing
IDestiny07 (1:30:30 PM): I mean, stupid shit pisses me off to the point of no turning back, you seen that yesterday
LanaP123 (1:30:41 PM): so do you think having real friends would help or that you need something more? or you just aren't sure
IDestiny07 (1:30:49 PM): and noah was sayin just a little bit ago about meeting his friend chris today to pick up a laptop, that pissed me off
IDestiny07 (1:31:09 PM): I"m not sure, I get friends, but I find a reason to get rid of them
IDestiny07 (1:31:29 PM): like they are annoying, or they press too much in my life, or they want too much from me, and I write them off
IDestiny07 (1:31:42 PM): have done it many times in my life, almost don't want to go through the process anymore
IDestiny07 (1:32:46 PM): and next to that I always seem to meet the wrong kinda people......the ones that are 'fun' are the ones that I get 'introuble' with.....lol
IDestiny07 (1:33:20 PM): and I almost don't feel like i have enough 'ground' or security to make friends with people who arn't screwed up in someway or another
LanaP123 (1:33:34 PM): lol yeah.....so you haven't met the right kind of friends yet....ones that know what you need and what you don't
LanaP123 (1:33:44 PM): and believe me, I know how hard they are to find
IDestiny07 (1:34:11 PM): yeah, this is why noah thinks a job would be a cure all for me
IDestiny07 (1:34:28 PM): go to work, meet people, do stuff so I'm tired when I get home and don't have the energy to argue
IDestiny07 (1:35:12 PM): I'm sick of noah tryin to 'fix' me by laying out goals and things I should do
IDestiny07 (1:35:38 PM): I wish he would just talk to me, which he does sometimes, but instead of just talking, he always has to sum it up with 'what we should do about it'
LanaP123 (1:36:15 PM): that's probably just how he does things - he thinks about it and decides on a solution
IDestiny07 (1:36:16 PM): I know I'm screwed up, I don't need to be reassured of the fact by having someone trying to 'fix' me
LanaP123 (1:36:22 PM): I don't think he's intentionally trying to fix you
IDestiny07 (1:36:30 PM): i know
IDestiny07 (1:37:06 PM): you don't even know how much it pissed me off yesterday when i'm screaming in my head "somethings really wrong in here!!" and he just tells me "be safe"
IDestiny07 (1:37:25 PM): it more hurt me than pissed me off I guess
LanaP123 (1:37:54 PM): why? because you wanted a more aggressive approach from him?
IDestiny07 (1:38:04 PM): I always do, he's so passive
LanaP123 (1:38:19 PM): like for him to force you to stay? do you think you would have?
IDestiny07 (1:38:30 PM): I don't know
IDestiny07 (1:38:45 PM): but maybe him putting up a fight would show me more that he cared than just saying what he said
LanaP123 (1:39:09 PM): I'm visualizing you trying to kick the crap out of him lol
IDestiny07 (1:39:13 PM): lol
LanaP123 (1:39:50 PM): so you're more physical than he is
IDestiny07 (1:39:53 PM): we've done that in the apartment in altoona before, I was stupid drinkin and said I wanted money, he gave it to me and I said I was gonna leave to do dope, he tried to hold me down so I wouldnt go
LanaP123 (1:39:59 PM): more aggressive in your approach
IDestiny07 (1:40:10 PM): I got away, no punches or anything, and I didn't do any dope either, just to let you know
IDestiny07 (1:40:19 PM): yeah, i guess so
LanaP123 (1:41:08 PM): you've had more aggressive guys in the past - I'm not so sure that's necessarily the best for you either - you'd butt heads too much
LanaP123 (1:41:20 PM): and when I say "aggressive" I don't necessarily mean abusive
IDestiny07 (1:41:26 PM): noah keeps giving me numbers to therepists to call and set up counseling, but all I can see is myself walking in there and saying "hi, i'm pathetic, care to listen to me whine?"
IDestiny07 (1:42:04 PM): yeah, I know what you mean, and no, it prolly wouldn't be good, I guess I just want it cause I know how to deal with it, I don't know how to deal with noah's 'approach'
LanaP123 (1:44:29 PM): I'm sure you wouldn't be the whiniest patient that therapist has lol
LanaP123 (1:44:49 PM): and I know therapy sucks sometimes but maybe they would be able to help you understand what's wrong
IDestiny07 (1:44:50 PM): lol......you never know, I get pretty whiney
IDestiny07 (1:45:00 PM): where would i even start?
LanaP123 (1:46:10 PM): I usually let them take the lead....they would ask questions and I'd try to answer and if they didn't like my answer they'd ask something else....I don't know....I'm hardly the expert on therapy lol
IDestiny07 (1:46:45 PM): I get into these moods where I hate everyone and everything they do, I just want to sleep or drink, when I go out I'm scared of everyone, god forbid the cashier doesn't say a nice word to me, it must mean that i'm a piece of shit or pathetic or fat or stupid or whatever, i feel like I can't do anything right, when I try to be intellectual (with philosophy type stuff) I end up feeling stupid like I dont' know what the hell I'm talking about
IDestiny07 (1:47:28 PM): I'm scared, physically scared at night, I hate standing infront of windows cause I think that someone or something is out there watching me, just waiting to hurt me
LanaP123 (1:48:07 PM): could it be anxiety?
IDestiny07 (1:48:07 PM): every sound (in my mind) is a bomb or a plane going to crash on my house, or someone walking through my house coming up to my door going to bust in and try to kill me
IDestiny07 (1:48:24 PM): I sit an imagine how I would save mikayla, I have a bat sitting right next to me in bed
LanaP123 (1:48:26 PM): some of what you just said totally describes how I feel and I just attributed it to social phobia
IDestiny07 (1:48:32 PM): and I can't tell you how many nights I sleep with the light on
IDestiny07 (1:48:40 PM): got forbid a night light ever burnt out
IDestiny07 (1:49:12 PM): I dont' know what it is
LanaP123 (1:49:33 PM): Linds, that sounds like some kind of anxiety disorder or something.....has this started recently or have you always been like this and just drown it out with other things (alcohol, etc.)?
IDestiny07 (1:50:11 PM): the real fear, alone in the house stuff, thats been recently, other than that, I've always been nervous around people
IDestiny07 (1:50:19 PM): I just cover it up with drugs/alcohol
IDestiny07 (1:50:41 PM): if you remember, the only time I really hung out with people after the age of 15 is when I was on something
IDestiny07 (1:51:01 PM): and still do, I don't normally go out unless it's to drink
IDestiny07 (1:51:51 PM): noah wants to go to blues concerts and stuff, and if there isn't beer there i'm completely against it, all I can think of is how stupid I will look
IDestiny07 (1:51:57 PM): like i don't belong
LanaP123 (1:52:06 PM): exactly
IDestiny07 (1:52:42 PM): I don't even like alcohol so much anymore....I feel like shit most times while I drink, and definitely the next day
IDestiny07 (1:53:18 PM): I get drunk and I do stupid stuff, I know I do and say things that I regret, I think about that before and during the time that I am drinkin, although I ignore it while I drink, it's easier then
LanaP123 (1:53:26 PM): What is Social Phobia/Social Anxiety? read this
LanaP123 (1:53:54 PM): this totally describes the fears you just told me about
LanaP123 (1:54:14 PM): if I'm doing my diagnosis thing again, just tell me to stop
IDestiny07 (1:54:29 PM): your okay
LanaP123 (1:54:31 PM): but I don't know what else to say or do
IDestiny07 (1:54:46 PM): what i've read so far makes sense to me, but I'm not as bad I don't think...the same kinda stuff though
LanaP123 (1:55:03 PM): I'm absolutely convinced this is what's wrong with me but I haven't read enough about it....maybe it's genetic
IDestiny07 (1:55:19 PM): Once the call is made and over, she sits, analyzes, and ruminates about what was said, what tone it was said in, and how she was perceived by the other person....her anxiety and racing thoughts concerning the call prove to her that she "goofed" this conversation up, too, just like she always does TOTALLY ME
LanaP123 (1:55:41 PM): I just think I look worse because I'm not one to drink and I don't have anything to "cover up" my fears so I just don't go anywhere
LanaP123 (1:55:58 PM): me too!!!
IDestiny07 (1:56:16 PM): Sometimes she gets embarrassed just thinking about the call.
I do that about alot of things other than phone calls, and I winch, physically winch, eyes-nose and all, when I think about what I did
IDestiny07 (1:56:54 PM): thats what I feel like I'm getting to Lana, I'm not wanting to leave the house or do anything
IDestiny07 (1:57:08 PM): I dont' want to leave the house and I dont' want to be alone, no wonder I'm going crazy
LanaP123 (1:57:11 PM): oh me too! I've said or done things years ago that still give me that horrible self-conscious wanna hide feeling even now when I think about them
LanaP123 (1:57:50 PM): heart racing, goose bumps, sweating - all of it
IDestiny07 (1:58:05 PM): I hate it
IDestiny07 (1:58:16 PM): I know it's wrong but what do you do?
IDestiny07 (1:58:38 PM): and going to a therepist, well, don't you think that would be hard to do just from the fact that you're scared of everything else anyways
LanaP123 (1:58:42 PM): but yet I'm too ashamed to tell a doctor about it - I'd be like "he's gonna thing I'm insane and dumb and that I'm wasting his time"
LanaP123 (1:59:22 PM): think
IDestiny07 (1:59:50 PM): I know what ya mean
LanaP123 (2:00:28 PM): I know it would be hard - and I can't very well say that's what you should do 'cause I can't even do it - but I don't want anything to happen to you either
LanaP123 (2:00:40 PM): and I think I've adapted better to my fears than you seem to be
IDestiny07 (2:01:18 PM): I'm freakin out here......I never used to be this bad
LanaP123 (2:01:24 PM): and I don't want all these fears to overwhelm you and cause you to do something to yourself
LanaP123 (2:01:39 PM): or to cause you to do something you'll regret later
IDestiny07 (2:02:56 PM): yeah, I know.....it's off and on, some days it's better than others, I have days of complete confidence, and others of complete fear
IDestiny07 (2:03:19 PM): I have to change miki's diaper......brb
LanaP123 (2:03:23 PM): k
IDestiny07 (2:06:44 PM): back
LanaP123 (2:23:29 PM): Caleb's whining to play his kitty game and I need to finish my accounting assignment so I guess I should get off here
IDestiny07 (2:23:38 PM): okay
IDestiny07 (2:23:45 PM): I'll talk to you later :-)
LanaP123 (2:23:52 PM): I should be on here later, as always
LanaP123 (2:23:55 PM): alrighty
IDestiny07 (2:23:58 PM): okie
LanaP123 (2:23:59 PM): bye :-)
IDestiny07 (2:24:00 PM): bubye :-)

Good Days - Bad Days
I think my bad days are taking over. I used to be pretty leveled out, only having the bad day's when it was appropriate. Like if Noah and I would argue, or my mother would freak out on me, things like that. But it's becoming more and more clear to me that I don't even need a reason to have a bad day. It just happens. I couldn't begin to give an explaination either, other than it's because i'm lonely. Lonely inside, lonely outside, living without purpose or reason for why I do what I do. I just feel like I exist, not knowing why. Floating really. Okay, so maybe thats a little more of an explaination, but saying it doesn't seem to change anything.
Noah's mr. supportive in all this. But I think the more supportive he is the more I want to hate him. Like yesterday for example.

Sunday's are beginning to seem like the ultimate bad days. There hasn't been a Sunday that I wasn't pissed off, feeling like shit, or wanting to sleep all day in a long time. I can just about count on Sundays to be bad. So yes, yesterday was a bad day, too, being as it was a sunday and all. Noah, Miki, and I were all at my sisters house trying to fix noah's car, for the second day in a row. Fix one thing, find out something else is wrong, blahda blahda blah. None of us had ate, so around 1pm I yelled to my brother in law, Keith, to "tell my husband that the next time i see him he'd better have food". I was laying on the couch, in a pissy mood for no real reason, and watching tv. I knew one thing, that I didn't want to be there dickin with that damn car again. Well, noah left to get food, since he had to get antifreeze for the car anyways. He came back with a bunch of McDonalds sandwiches and a 12pk of Pepsi. That pissed me off. I know what your thinking, and yes, I'm a bitch. He did what I said, and I got mad. I know it's mean, rude, pathetic. Well, get me a doc and get me on pills or something cause I can't help it anymore. It just takes over. So I get pissed. Wanna know why. He didn't get me a meal, with fries for Mikayla. I guess I didn't want to fight over sandwiches, I wanted a meal that was specifically bought for me. I guess I just wanted to be a bitch, for a good excuse to leave. So I did. I told noah i was going home, and to my surprise, he said "go home then". Well, that pissed me off even more. So I grabbed Mikayla and her diaper bad, and out the door I went. Noah told me to take food, I said no. So what does he do, he follows me out the door with two sandwiches, and puts them in my car while I'm telling him "I don't want them" the whole time. He sits them down and just walks away, so i get furious. I pick em up and throw em at him. Well, not directly at him, but I did hear later he was hit with a bun.

I was so mad at this point I forgot that I didn't buckle Mikayla in her car seat until after I drove off. I had to stop on a side street and buckle her in. I feel bad, I'm glad she didn't go flying around in the car or something. After buckling miki back in, I look over and realize that noah left the antifreeze in my car, and would probably need it, so I drove back to my sister's house, stopping in the street in front of the house to throw the antifreeze in the front yard.

I speed off again, and go twards the gas station to get gas. I didn't want to go home, and I only had enough gas to get home. I stop at the pump and fish through my purse looking for my checkcard to pay at the pump. I couldn't find it. The only one I could find was the one that had my old name on it from before we were married, and I knew that it was probably inactive. So that pissed me off even more. I screamed "fuck it!" in my head and headed back to my sister's house. I took Mikayla and her diaper bag inside, and told my sister to tell noah "I hope he gets his car working". She asked me what I was doing, and i told her i was leaving, and walked out the door. I went back to my car and got her carseat out and sat in on the ground. As I was getting back in the car to leave, noah walked up to the car to talk to me. I had already shut the door and was talking to him with the window partly down. I even locked the door when he walked up, I guess I expected him to do more than he did, even though he has never been that way. He asked me what I was doing, I told him I'm leaving, he asked "where are you going", I said "wherever I want to", and he said "be safe, don't do anything that's gonna hurt yourself", I said, "why not, thats the fun part", and drove off.

I guess you could say that I wanted him to beg me to stay, or atleast put up more of a fight than "be safe". My mind was reeling. I didn't know whether to drive my car into a telephone pole or go find the dope man. I haven't done dope in a couple of years, but I figured that would be as good a time as any. The fact was, though, I had nowhere to go, no dope man to find, no one to talk to that would care, nothing to do except hurt myself or go home. So I decided to just go home. The whole way I'm thinking about my life. How I live a dull existence, far from what I used to be. I dont' have any friends anymore, no one to talk to or hang out with. Well, I can hang out with my step-sister shiela, but she only cares about herself and what she wants. I could hang out with my step-brother jimmy, but I can't get over the fact that he and his girlfriend went behind my back and put a couple of their bills in my name (phone and electric). They're still trying to pay me back for the $400 electric bill I had to pay for them that was in my name. I get a whole $20-$40 a month, and thats only after I nag them about it. Lana is the closest one that I have that I can talk to, but half the time I'm worried about what I'm gonna say that might piss her off. Am I gonna piss her off talking about our bills, when we have more money than she does and we don't have to live paycheck to paycheck like they do? Am I gonna piss her off talking about mikayla, and how smart I think she is, because Lana is worried about her two boys having autism? Am I gonna irritate her by telling her what happened when I hung out with jimmy or shiela, because she doesn't like what they do with their life and isn't afraid to tell me about it?
Then you have my mother, the joy of all joys. She's the sweetest one of the bunch, by far (sarcastically). She makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells everytime I see her. God forbid I don't wear the proper shoes, she'll tell me how they don't fit, that they are too small (when I've worn them for over a year and they fit just fine). She'll be the first one to tell me that my reaction to something (doesnt' matter what) was not appropriate, that I wasn't appreiciative enough or excited enough or upset enough for her.

I'm just tired of it all, and I dont' know what to do, nor do I have the motivation, to change anything.

So I get back home, and I dig around the house looking for my new checkcard. I guess so I had it just in case I thought of something to do. Which I didn't. I just sat, and sat, and sat. Thinking "should I go to the store and get some pills, should I find a sharp knife?". I didn't know what to do, and I'm prolly too chicken shit to do any of it anyways. After a while of just sitting around, I decide to call noah. In my mind I'm thinking, "I'm not gonna let him know that I'm at home. I don't want to seem that pathetic. I'm strong-willed, I have a life. Me big bad bitch, hurrgh!" But none of that came out. We were both like "yup" and "so" and "what's up". Both trying to act pissed, but melting. He proceeded to tell me that he didn't know what to do for me, and didn't know how he was supposed to react. So I just said "I know what to do", and hung up the phone. Of course that left the impression that I was gonna hurt myself, and you could say thats what I wanted him to think. But after a few minutes I thought about it, and called back and told him not to rush the rescue squad to save me, I wasn't gonna do anything stupid. We talked for a little bit longer, and he talked me into coming and picking him up. I told him that i would, but I wasn't going inside, I already felt stupid enough. He said he'd just wait outside. And he did.

We came back to the house, and I just went to bed. I slept from 4 to around 9. I got up just to get something to eat, hung out with noah for a few hours and then we went to bed. I lay there, listening to noah snore as I always do, trying to figure out what every sound is cause I'm deathly afraid that something or someone is in my house. If you think thats crazy, I must be crazy, cause I do that just about every night. I'm sick of myself, complete and totally sick of how much I can't control my thoughts, emotions, or actions anymore. I had to have noah turn on the light on his side of the bed just so i could get to sleep. I'm like a child scared of the closet monster. I don't know what is wrong with me, or even if there is anything wrong with me. I feel like I'm losing control, or atleast my mind.

Noah keeps telling me that it will get better. I can't help but wonder if he's just saying that to shut me up for a little while longer.

Something else I found on the internet. Someone took parts of the movie and put their own two cents in. It's read worthy.
Waking Life

Waking Life
We watched Waking Life last night, and I have to tell you, that we loved it! An absolutely recommended movie. If anyone out there likes to think about their existence, why they're here, and why they dream, WATCH THIS MOVIE.

Here's some video clips to check out

We just rented it last night, but I'm gonna run out and buy it today. That's how much I like it. I never buy movies, unless their in the bargin dvd bin.

It's animated, well, sort of. The film makers took real digital video film off camcorders, and then used that to create the animated movie. It's surreal, abstract, and so confusing and intellectual, you don't know whether to love it or hate it. I swear, the first 15 mins made me want to break the dvd, but I kept watching. I was glued to the screen, trying to figure out what was gonna happen next. The characters are intriguing, with facinating minds and unbelievably awesome theories!
This movie made me want to stop it from time to time just to absorb all the information I was receiving, and then go back to listen to more. But I wouldn't have gotten the full effect of the movie in anyway if I would have done that.
Just watch the movie, read about it, discuss it. Don't just read that I watched it. Go watch it yourself. Trust me, it's worth it!

I HAVE COMMENT BOXES!!
Woo-Hoo!!
Show the love.......leave me a comment!
And yes, I know, it's sad when the highlight of your day is comment boxes. Especially on a Friday. I blame it on the "Brainwashed by Winnie the Pooh via my 10 month old daughter" conspiracy.

WHAT WHAT?!?!?
Read This
Some woman with a case against Phillip Morris won $28 BILLION, and yess, I said BILLION! dollars in a tobacco case. I guess it was for "punitive damages". Wow, no wonder why people are going after McDonalds. All that money out there to be had. I just can't believe that they gave ONE woman that much money. What about awarding her a fair share, and making them pay the rest out to stop smoking campaigns such as JEL (Just Eliminate Lies). I mean, damn, what's one woman gonna do with $28 BILLION dollars?

If you want an update on Caleb, my nephew who was just diagnosed with autism, check out my sister's blog:
Just This Side of Normal
She's moving some stuff around, but hopefully she doesn't have the trouble that I did in losing archieves or anything. That really sux. But the Great Almighty Me is here now with a month and a half of blogging experience to properly help her out! Woo-Hoo!!
Okay, so basically what I'm tryin to say is that if she has problem's, can she email you?
*hangs head in shame and walks away*
........

I dont' know what to say, I don't know what to see. I should be blogging about last night's dinner, but I can't.
Frustrated, confused. And the worst part, is that anybody reading this probably won't understand all the details. So here they are:

Mom left real dad when I was in the womb
Mom got with with step-dad when I was under 1 yr
Step-dad was with us until mom left when I was 12
Was always close to step-dad
Went back and lived with step-dad when I was 14
Talked to real dad by me calling him when I was 17
Seen and talked to real dad on and off since then

There ya go. That sets up the scene, so to say.
So my real dad calls tonight, his name is Al. I don't call him dad, never have been able to. He floors me with this thing that my step-dad, we'll call him JR, that JR is tormenting my sister Lana's child, who has autism. Lana is my older sister by 1 year, and also Al's daughter. So Al is really protective of his kids, I guess. And he's really pissed off that this is happening. I love my step-dad, but I also know that he isn't one for treatments , per-say. He won't even take pills, except for his blood pressure cause he'll die otherwise. So I guess, I understand his ignorance, not saying that it's right.
Hell, I didn't even hear about it until Al told me he heard if from Lana. And I have to sit there and listen to Al tell me that he thought my step-dad was a 'bald asshole' for doing what he did. I'm not saying that JR is right for doing what he did. Actually, it pisses me off what he did. The fact that any child with a problem is tormented and don't know why is absolutely FUCKED UP and PATHETIC!! But I don't want to hear someone that hasn't been there for me for 17 years of my life tell me that the person that was there for me for ALL THOSE YEARS was a 'fucked up person'. I don't know, please respond with what you think, cause at this point I dont' know what to think. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm pissed the fuck off!
I try to love, I try to think logically about things, but emotions arn't logical. I have never told Al that I'm mad that he was never there, maybe I should. But how do you tell someone that and how would it affect the relationship that now stands?
Is it the things that Al says that piss me off, or just what he said about JR without knowing him?
I'm thinking it's more of what Al said about JR.
Al was never there to pick me up at 3am when I wrecked my Mustang on a dirt road. Al wasn't there to have a place to stay when my mother exiled me from her life. JR was.
How do you take the dad that you've always known and suddenly put him on the back of the 'daddy' burner? Thats what I want to know. I want to love my real dad.
Here's where it gets crazy
Changing tones for a little bit, you have to understand this really crazy point in the connection between my real dad (Al) and I. Probably about a little over a year ago, my sister had everyone over to her house for some occasion (I can't remember the occasion). Al, his family(wife, Tanya..our two half sisters, Tina-2 years younger, Traci-3 years younger), Lana's family, and my family. We were having fun playin video games, making dinner (goulash), and having a few drinks.
Well, I was sitting at Lana's kitchen table with Lana, Al, and myself while everyone else was playing video games. We were drinking (except Lana) and talking about dreams and what they mean. Al was telling me that I should write down my dreams. He also was telling me that I should pray for my dreams to talk to me and tell me what they meant. And that a voice would come out and talk to me through my dreams, if done properly. Of course, we thought he was crazy, just kinda put it off that he was just drunk. So I just got up to go into the kitchen to get another beer, and he followed me to make another drink (rum and coke).
While we were in the kitchen, we were talking about the same kinda thing. The energy between dreams, and God, and how it's all connected. Well, he asked me to do something for him. Just to see, I guess. I knew exactly what he was doing, and I'll tell you why in a bit. He asked me to lay my hands out, and he put his hands above mine. He closed his eyes, and I got the feeling that I should 'focus' on the energy. So I did. I left it come, and it came. Something, I can't tell you what, but it came. A flowing energy through him to me to him and through everything.
Now, the reason I tell you I knew it was coming, is because I have felt it before. I had a boyfriend who was the best friend, of a boyfriend who I had that had just died, (I'll let ya know, just ask) that I had exchanged that (with lack of a better way of explaining it) emotion with. I also had another boyfriend who I was able to do that with, his name was Eric. In trying to connect to that energy with him, he told me to stop taking his energy. That made me feel that it was bad to try and 'connect' with that energy, and that I was bad for doing or even thinking about it. And so I stopped even thinking about trying to do it.
An then here it happened, with the dad that I hadn't ever really knew. With Al, I connected like I hadn't done in a long time. He knew that there was a connection as well as I did, that thats what makes me know that I'm not crazy. He even told me that he thought that I was an 'older soul', whatever that means. I haven't heard about it ever since, except that he acknowedges that it happened. I want to know if there is something that I got from his that I should know about. Like gene wise or whatever.
I'm not trying to claim that I'm, in anyway, able to tap into the 'other' world. The psychic, or however you spell it, world (that shows you how 'connected' I am). I guess you could say that I want direction from him. But in the midst of all that need, I have a need for my own emotions. I'm mad at him, for not being there, for telling me that the person that was there (JR) is 'wrong'. Please, someone instruct me. Tell me I'm wrong, tell me I'm right. Tell me whatever, cause at this point, I do not know anything.

It's official, Caleb has autism. I'll give you all the details later, I have to entertain our guest.

Lp0pej0y (4:10:15 PM): you there?
IDestiny07 (4:10:17 PM): yup
IDestiny07 (4:10:19 PM): whats up
Lp0pej0y (4:10:36 PM): it's official....the lady called a little bit ago and said he has autism
IDestiny07 (4:10:44 PM): any particular form?
Lp0pej0y (4:11:06 PM): I even asked her where he fell on the spectrum and she said he didn't score low enough to just have PDD - that he has autism
IDestiny07 (4:11:17 PM): really?>
IDestiny07 (4:11:25 PM): is it considered high functioning??
IDestiny07 (4:11:27 PM): anything?
IDestiny07 (4:11:32 PM): just autism?
Lp0pej0y (4:11:34 PM): I don't know - I didn't ask that
IDestiny07 (4:11:50 PM): now I'd be more frustrated then I was before if I were you
Lp0pej0y (4:11:58 PM): she did say that the outlook for him was great - that he has some social skills and his language is pretty good
Lp0pej0y (4:12:10 PM): and he's making progress with Barb so she thinks he'll do great in that preschool
IDestiny07 (4:12:24 PM): so they gonna put him in the special needs school?
Lp0pej0y (4:13:18 PM): more than likely.....Barb called today and basically asked me which way I was leaning and I told her the special school....so I imagine once she hears of his official autism diagnosis that she'll start drawing up the papers
IDestiny07 (4:13:34 PM): cool, hopefully thats soon
IDestiny07 (4:13:52 PM): I say the next time the people come out, this fri ? - I say that you start talkin about cameron
IDestiny07 (4:14:01 PM): how do you feel?
Lp0pej0y (4:14:20 PM): we'll still be going tomorrow but she said that was just so they could gather some more information so they know what kinds of things will help him in school (like a picture schedule)
Lp0pej0y (4:14:53 PM): I'm ok - I feel better knowing that what's wrong with him has a name
Lp0pej0y (4:15:07 PM): and everybody who thinks I'm nuts can kiss off lol
Lp0pej0y (4:15:18 PM): we're definitely going to be talking about Cameron
IDestiny07 (4:15:24 PM): good
IDestiny07 (4:15:44 PM): I just want to make sure you are okay.....even though this is what you expected, it's gotta be hard to listen to officially
Lp0pej0y (4:15:47 PM): this lady said that she'll be drawing up an official report by the end of this week and then next week probably we'll have an official meeting
IDestiny07 (4:16:01 PM): official meeting? whats that for?
Lp0pej0y (4:16:01 PM): to discuss Caleb's future and all that and we'll probably bring it up then
IDestiny07 (4:16:45 PM): yeah, definitely get started on cameron and everything you need to do for caleb
IDestiny07 (4:17:13 PM): but don't deny your own feelings, Lana, if you are hurt, don't hide it......I would most definitely understand why
Lp0pej0y (4:17:14 PM): she's going to give us a copy of her official report and a bunch of other papers and books and stuff
IDestiny07 (4:18:21 PM): cool
Lp0pej0y (4:18:29 PM): actually, it's so weird - I feel almost relieved about Caleb now 'cause I know what's going on - my fears are getting transferred to Cameron now
IDestiny07 (4:19:06 PM): yeah, I guess I can understand that
IDestiny07 (4:19:36 PM): when you get that report, you should blog it, along with side notes of your own personal feelings
IDestiny07 (4:19:45 PM): that might help get some things out, if you need to
Lp0pej0y (4:19:51 PM): I have faith that once Caleb gets in school that he'll make really good progress - I know he'll probably never be totally "normal" - but he'll be getting help
IDestiny07 (4:22:24 PM): sorry, stew was burning.....lol
Lp0pej0y (4:22:31 PM): lol
Lp0pej0y (4:23:17 PM): tonight will be spent "informing the public" lol gotta call mom, and Keith's mom, email Al and instant message you lol
IDestiny07 (4:23:24 PM): lol
Lp0pej0y (4:23:38 PM): oh and blog lol
IDestiny07 (4:23:41 PM): hehe
IDestiny07 (4:23:58 PM): make sure you take your time, and call me if someone seems really rude
Lp0pej0y (4:24:29 PM): oh I expect that to be Keith's mom
IDestiny07 (4:24:36 PM): screw her, she's an idiot
IDestiny07 (4:24:55 PM): she'll prolly say it came from our side.......ha!
Lp0pej0y (4:25:14 PM): lol
IDestiny07 (4:26:09 PM): or she'll say that she knows the person that did the evaluation and they were known for misdiagnosing children, and that we should call our local school board committee member and elect for the petitioning of a ------aaa, nevermind, she wouldn't even have let her brain get that far....lol
Lp0pej0y (4:26:28 PM): LOL
IDestiny07 (4:29:38 PM): so who ya plannin on callin first>?
Lp0pej0y (4:30:28 PM): I guess only mom....Keith's not calling his mother after all
IDestiny07 (4:30:42 PM): yeah, not worth the trouble
Lp0pej0y (4:30:51 PM): I guess it's no fun when they're not talking about him
IDestiny07 (4:31:14 PM): not talking about him?
IDestiny07 (4:31:18 PM): keith?
Lp0pej0y (4:31:37 PM): yeah
IDestiny07 (4:31:44 PM): oh geezz
IDestiny07 (4:34:23 PM): well let me know what mom says.....I hope she isn't harsh
Lp0pej0y (4:35:20 PM): who knows....she isn't exactly predictable lol
Lp0pej0y (4:35:26 PM): you got company yet?
IDestiny07 (4:35:53 PM): nope
IDestiny07 (4:35:56 PM): not til 530
Lp0pej0y (4:36:18 PM): ok...just wondered what I was interrupting...other than the stew lol
IDestiny07 (4:37:05 PM): lol
IDestiny07 (4:37:16 PM): stew's done, a bit earlier then expected, but it'll be okay

Full Thoughts of Veggie Stew
We're having a guest over for dinner tonight. He's a friend of Noah's, named Jon Paul, or JP for short. We decided to invite him over to have some nice homemade stew and to discuss current political and worldly topics. It will be interesting to hear his take on things, considering he's in his 3rd year in college, majoring in political psychology. I guess he's some sort of cousin of Iowa Senator Tom Harkin, althought I don't think they talk or anything. This political stuff must run in his family. I've only met JP a few times, and he seems to be really nice and extremely smart. He does seem to be a party college kid, but with a really good head on his shoulders.
He does intimidate me though, with his good looks, his charm, and his extremely good ability to make an arguement. I can only hope I intimidate him tonight with my extremely clean house and awesome veggie stew! I dont' know what we'll talk about. I feel like I should have an itinerary so I can study up. I'll prolly just sit back and listen. Unless of course I have a few beers and then I tend to get a little gabbier. Maybe I'll just hang back with Mikayla and let the guys gab. I mean, someone has to chase her down and I dont' see either of them doing it. I don't know whether or not I like debate. Sometimes it's good, but most of the time it seems to be that the other person(s) have a stronger opinion than I do and present themselves very well. I guess you could say that I'm a sore loser. I just feel like I don't have an opinion that really matters. I'm no politician, especially against a person who is atleast 3 years my political genious.
This is gonna be an interesting evening though. I mean think about it:
--A Political Pschology Major/College Partier
--A Home Mommy/Drunk Philosopher
--A Professional Computer Geek/Gaming Guru
And to Top it Off!!--Thought Producing Veggie Stew!
Bound to make for an interesting evening......I'll keep ya posted!

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The Beauty of Life
...written last night
I spent most of the day trying to figure out how corrupt the world is. Why can't Hamdi get a fair trial, even though he's a US citizen? What's in the Homeland Security Bill...etc?-(read this and this)- I think I spent most of the day shaking or freaked out for no reason. I mean, those things need to be looked into, at least understood by a non-media non-government opinion, but I'm too emotional for all that stuff. Just call me CNN's fish, cause when something happens, I'm all over it.
But admist all the paranoia, you have to remind yourself that there's still a world around around you. Atleast that's what I've tried to tell myself tonight.
It's all so weird. The thoughts that go through my head. I sit in the chair in front of the TV, trying to collect my thoughts of the day. Looking over at Noah in front of the computer, happily playing his game, I can't help but think about the small wonders of life. The few things we grasp to keep us sain and happy.
Mikayla is sleeping sound in her bed. Our two kitties, Rio and Dallas, are cleaning each other with such love and prosperity. The storm that came through, threatening our mobile home and personal security, moved through with little rain. One must thank God for that. I guess, in thinking of such a corrupt world. I'm trying to convince myself to believe in the little things. The sound of Mikayla squealing as mommy runs up to her to mass kiss her. Noah happy to enjoy a game thats years old with horrilble graphics, easily letting the world go, atleast for a little while.
I'm not saying to ignore what's going on in the world, or your own views that might change what's going on in the world. Just to live a little. Don't get so caught up in media, or paranoia, or fear.
This is more for me than you, trust me. I'm so good at being a hateful bitch no matter how good life is going. Sometimes I wonder how Noah puts up with me. It's like if I'm not walking the red carpet, I must be in hell. I guess it's good to be knocked off your pedistal every now and then. A lot less pressure.
You gotta admit. Humility sucks though. I mean, when you get completely put in your place, and you feel like a total idiot, that really sucks. Thats another story though.
Everythings not lost. We're still alive right? I can still watch Mikayla crawl as I check the world news. The fall colors are bluming while those horrible laws are passed. I trust and love God for that.

I had to get rid of the tag message board. It was making it take forever to load the page, and then it ended up telling me that I didn't have an account. So I figured screw it. If anyone wants to talk to me, just email me. Someday I'll find out how to use comment boxes....lol

No Kia for Me-a
The Non-Sales Event

Yep, you guessed it. We went out and tried to look for a new car tonight. There is no way we can afford it. I guess we just wanted another shopping adventure, except this one was no fun cause they wanted us to spend TONS of money. The only car we could even think of tryin to afford would be the Kia Rio. We test drove one and it drove like ASS! As we were going up a hill, I swore the car was gonna drop the motor. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!"
It was pathetic, so we decided not to even talk to the guy about pricing and monthly payments and stuff. I want a car with more 'Umph!' At least a 6 cylinder. Oh well, maybe someday.

The Great Money Search
We woke up yesterday and decided to go search for money. We knew we had misc. ways to acquire money, we just had to do it. Some cans and bottles here, some things to sell there; other broke people reading this probably understand what I mean. Here's what we did:
1. Took back our cans and bottles: $15.10 (woo-hoo!!)
2. Sold some books and CD's: $22.00
3. We had $37.10, but we bought lunch for $10, so that left us with $27.00 approx.
4. Took back Noah's parents' cans and bottles: $16.00 (super woo-hoo!!)
5. Tried to sell a stroller, but they wouldn't take it cause they said the rocker/strollers don't sell very well.
6. We had $43.00
7. Try to take back a jean jacket I got as a birthday present but didn't like, but they only gave us a store credit of $17.00
8. Bought Mikayla a book, some shoes, and a fire truck with the store credit. Paid $3.00 extra out of pocket.
9. We had $40.00, a book, some shoes, and a fire truck.
10. Went to Walmart. Took back 3 packs of Large Long John outfits (didn't fit mikayla), got $20.00
11. Had $60.00 to spend at Walmart.
12. We got 2 bibs, 3 sleepers, baby orajel, a percussion set for babies, a 'The Many Faces of Me' baby mirror, a cow costume (for halloween), some non-toxic face makeup (to paint cow spots on miki), 2 photo albums, a pack of 18 washclothes, cat litter, and a purple hand towel. Total came to $91.00
13. Yes, we went over, but when you think about it we paid 30 bucks for all that stuff.
14. So in the end, we came out with:
a) Baby Shoes
b) A Baby Book
c) A Fire Truck
d) 2 Bibs
e) 3 Sleepers
f) Baby Orajel
g) A Percussion Set for Babies
h) A Baby Mirror
i) A Cow Costume
j) Non-Toxic Face Make-up
k) 2 Photo Albums
l) Pack of 18 washclothes
m) Cat Litter
n) A Purple Hand Towel
o) Lunch

!5. We only paid $30.00 of the money that we had before.

Are you addicted to shopping when you sell things to shop for more? hmmmmm........

You must read this!!

Noah is now requiring this if you would like to date our daughter, Mikayla. Please fill it out and we will keep this application on file for the next 15 years. We will contact you if you are chosen to be interviewed. Thank you.

"Does the word stering wheel mean anything to you?" -- Today on Dr. Phil:
That is what Dr. Phil told the mother of a daughter who she claims is fat because of McDonald. The mother has a lawyer and is suing McDonalds for this reason.
Did You Know?
A Big Mac meal with a super-sized fry has 1600 calories!
Dr. Phil seems to be baffled by the fact that this woman didn't just stop going to McDonalds, and instead decided to sue them for not telling people their products are fat. Her lawyer tried to compare Ronald McDonald to Joe Camel, saying that McDonalds is exploiting children. LOLOLOLOLOL
I agree that Ronald McDonald does seem a little scary, but I don't think we should ban McDonalds from having him as a marketting tool. Would we then get rid of the Ronald McDonald House?
I'm sorry, we all know that it's fat. Maybe they should label how fat things are, kinda like Subway does on it's napkins, but to say that Ronald McDonald is like Joe Camel, thats rediculous.
If you eat fast food, check this out. It's McDonalds website, just scroll to the bottom and click on the breakdown.pdf file. It's very sobering. I think I'm gonna eat salads from now on. But I don't think that McDonalds should be sued for this. If we start suing companies for making fattening food, whats next. Dr. Phil asked the mother of the child who was obese because of McDonalds food, that if she can sue McDonalds for selling her food that made her daughter obese, then couldn't her daughter sue her for putting the fattening food in front of her daughters face. What an interesting thought!

Mikayla's Nicknames
1. Pooker Bottoms
2. Miki Moo Moo
3. Moo Moo Butt
4. Sunshine
5. Rugrat
6. Miki D
7. Grubber Girl
8. Chubby Butt
9. Chunk
10. Moo Moo Doll

Lunchie Munchies
My hubby is bringing me some lunch today! I hope he brings something good! I'm getting so sick of the same old bowls of cereal and turkey sandwiches or left overs from dinner. It'll probably be something fat and extremely unhealthy, but I love it! mmmmm
I'm gonna watch that thing on Dr. Phil today about the woman who is suing McDonalds. I can't wait to see what happens there. And I guess he's gonna have a guy on there that is really big and was told to buy two seats on an airline. Dr. Phil sits him next to a man who complains about fat people on airlines in acutal seats that go on airplains. It's gonna be funny to see how this one turns out. Might have a Jerry Springer moment on the Dr. Phil Show!
I've been in my nighty for 2 days now. Funny thing, no one seems no notice. I guess it must have something to do with the fact that i never go anywhere! and no one ever comes over!
I guess thats what I get for moving 20 miles out of town. I live in a town, a really small town. We have a Casey's and a Dairy Queen. Oh, and a Dollar Store, can't forget about that place! It's the poor woman who loves to shops' dream.
I guess this town isn't as small as it could be, but it feels really small to me. And next to that I have no friends here what-so-ever. I know it's up to me make friends, but I gotta get over this social anxiety thing first. It really sux. I don't like to go to the store by myself, and sometimes when I do I'm paranoid the whole time. And then for the next day or so I'm thinking about certain things that happened while I was at the store and smacking myself (in my head, figurativly) for certain things that I did or said that were stupid. I don't know what's up with it, and I don't know why some days it's worse than others. I don't keep friends really good, although I used to. I did alot of drugs about 2 years ago, I think they messed me up somehow. Dunno.
Anyways, I'm gonna sit here in my nighty and wait for my hubby to bring me lunch! Happy Eatting!

HeLp!
We're going to need a playpen down here, stat! The baby is still getting into everything!!!

Patty Cake Runs Wild
I tried all last week to get Mikayla to clap her hands. No go. Well, we let her spends last Saturday night with Grandma and Grandpa D (Noah's parents), and she came back in full fledge patty cake mode. Of course she's got to impress grandma, I guess I can understand the politics of that. Make sure to stay cute so the candy stash and cool toys keep piling up. Grandma is full of money and goodies, and not affraid to use em at the first sign of oooo goo goo cuteness.
When we picked her up on Sunday, I'm blowing happy out my ears cause she's just hanging out clapping her hands. I tried ALL WEEK LONG to get her to do that, and then one night at grandma's......walla! She does it as if she's been doing it all week long. She was just saving it for the grandparents, that little sneak!
Not only does she come home clapping, she comes home crawling. She was beggining to do it, but not nearly this good. I thought, 'great, grandma taught her how to torture mom, and then sent her home'. Not only does she crawl (we were not ready for that in anyway), she's trying to climb up on everything. AAAAhhhhhh! I can't keep up with her.
So I decided to work against the forces of the little legs! BOXES!
We have tons of boxes in a spare bedroom full of crap we were gonna sell in a garage sale. I decided to put them to full use.

The Mikayla Blockade Baby Brigade -- M3B

So I start taking the boxes and lining them up into one big circle in our livingroom. A gigantic playpen, of sorts, for the newly crawl-amatic. I also have some laundry baskets full of clean clothes (what a good way to get out of folding laundry) that I'm using to fill in the spaces where the boxes won't fit. Mikayla is enjoying sticking her index fingers in the holes, and trying to grab out the clothes to play with. She also has full access to the toy boxes, which she highly enjoys. She climbs up and digs through 'em, grabbin out stuff she hasn't seen in a while.
She's currently trying to figure out how to climb over the boxes. She is desperate to get to the hallway she just recently discovered but was cut off from. Stay tuned for the next chapter:
The Great Gate Wars
...coming soon...

Interesting facts:

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take
into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

Thirty Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something meaningful on the "Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?

I found my archive again!!! Woo-hoo!!
I don't think of myself as much of a computer guru, and this damn blogging program has confirmed that. I lost my archive (not like I had much of one, anyway), and didn't think to fish around for it where I can edit my blog. I guess there was a reason for that damn calender next to all my posts. DUH! Well, I'm happy I found it. Ta Ta For Now!

Penile Dys-Quick -- The Sexually Frustrated

As I'm laying there, listening to him snore, I couldn't help but think...."damn, that was quick and painless". Well for the most part. It was quick. But I couldn't help thinking that I was a little left out in all of it. I mean, the whole minute of activity was just getting me started. And all the sudden I hear, "oh yeah!" come from his mouth and his body stopped moving. YaY. He falls over to the other side of the bed and I get up to clean myself off. By the time I get back, he's already curled up in the blanket and half asleep. Someone help me out with this. Why does my husband think that I enjoy two whole minutes of erotic pleasure. I mean, I could have masterbated, it would have taken less time to get ready for, and I have felt alot better afterwards.
Getting ready for sex means that I get undressed, get all kissy kissy, a little rub here and little twiddle of the finger there. Just a little of this and that to get each of us excited and ready. And as these things happen, we began to move our bodies closer together and into 'position'. Well, I would be able to settle with 10 minutes, as long as he lets me orgasm also. But not no one to three minute bullshit. What is this, we get married and he doesn't have to take his time anymore. I mean, seriously. Is it that hard to hold out for 10 minutes??
After he rolled over, I didn't talk to him. I was mad. He was perfectly happy to just go to sleep, and I was left there to just listen to him snore, again. I even got a headache after sitting there for a while. I wish it would have came on before our activities, then I wouldn't have had to deal with any of it.
I don't usually complain about sex, I don't have to. But when you're getting into and it just starts to feel good, then he goes *grrrrrrrunt*, and is done. I must say one word. Pathetic. Sorry to all the guys out there who think I'm a ruthless bitch. Hate to be the one to tell ya, but women love to cum too!

Directions to the Moon

God and Rush Hour

My sister's autism page
My sister made a page to inform some of our family about autism. She's getting sick of people thinking she's crazy because she is worried about her children having this disorder.

This is the letter Iraq sent to the United Nations saying they would allow weapon inspectors in with no conditions.

Now they seem to have conditions.

hmmm...

Now, I don't understand much about this cause I can't find anywhere a list of the new proposed resolutions, except for the one that says that the U.N. can strike Iraq if they don't destroy their weapons. I'm not generally too political, but I'd really like to know why we are going to war if we end up going. I don't know who or what to believe in all this. I don't believe the United States would put up with new resolutions all of the sudden if they were irrational, but how do we know if they are irrational. The list of proposed resolutions arn't anywhere to be found. But this could also be Iraq playing the same game as it has before. I don't know. I wish I knew. I think it's bullshit that it seems the media just fills us full of shit [somebody] wants us to hear, but the other stuff just gets lost in red tape and we never know. If anyone has any info, let me know. I'm interested.

I don't understand why people have to work. Why can't we just make machines do everything for us, and then everything will be free and can have an alotted amount of money to enjoy life with and do whatever they wanted. I want to tour the world, learning and teaching my daughter the language of every place we go. Hell, she's a smart girl. She'll prolly learn the languages better than I would.
We could also have our cars run by electricity so we don't have to worry about global warming takin the ozone away and that kind of stuff. And we would also lessen our dependence on oil by doing that and changin alot of stuff to solar power. That way we don't even have to dick with Iraq and Saudi Arabia anymore. I mean, I don't totally understand the situation, but from what I heard there are these 'royals' that just sit around and pay the people who make them sound good, and in return, they cover the people's ass they pay so they don't get in trouble for spreading terrorism. Maybe I'm wrong, and I got it all wrong. But if thats the case, why are we just sittin around with our thumb up our ass and debating whether or not war is a good idea. Of course war isn't a good idea. So lets just get rid of the dependence on these people all together. Hell, they'll prolly still try to bomb us anyways.
Well, I'm still gonna sit here and pray that someday I'll get my wish to travel the world with my daughter. Hopefully the worlds safe by then. La Da DAAA da Da DAAA da da DAAAA!

What Egyptian Deity are you? go to:the quiz!

Autism - Today's Original Post

I never knew much about autism until just recently. I can't really say I know much more about it now, though, except for the symptoms. My sister has two boys that she suspects have this disorder. One is 4, and the other is 2. If they do have it, we believe that it would be a 'high functioning' form of autism, but either way, it would be a hard thing to have to deal with. I have heard that some people see autism as a gift, because some of them seem to be extremely smart in the areas of mathematics and such. As if somehow they have reached a higher plain of intelligence that does not have need for the social interaction that most of us do. And then maybe somehow, they are a part of evolution in their own way.
I cannot say where I stand on this issue. It would be hard for me to even imagine having a child with a disorder or a state of mind that I couldn't interact with or understand. Although my sister doesn't suspect either of her children have a severe form of this disorder, just the idea of thinking that her children have a problem affects her all the same.
Her four year old does not speak in normal sentences, although he does speak. I have read that 40% of children with autism disorders do not speak at all. So this is a good thing. His main problem seems to ly in his inablility to process emotions and behaviors as normally as he probably should. His emotions seem to be extreme at times, and usually over very minor things. People who do not spend enough time with him might think he just has a very bad temper, but we who spend the most time with him know this is not normal. My sister has been pushed aside from doctors until just recently. He went in for a normal doctor's visit, and would not do anything without a fight. He would not even stand on a scale to be weighed. It could almost seem to someone who didn't know any better, that this child had been severely abused in his young life. The doctor could tell that something was amiss, and recommended him for behavioral therepy. When the team of therepists began coming to their house once a week, they started with just small games and tests that would help him to work with what they called a 'neurological disorder'. After spending a few weeks with him, they realized something else must be wrong. He doesn't want anything in his routine changed. The task of trying to change from one game to the next was just that, a task. He would throw huge fits, running into the next room, hiding or throwing himself onto the floor. I am sure some would say this is just part of being a child, but there was more that isn't easily explained. He does not understand what 'why' means at all, and barely understands what you mean when you say "who is [someone]". When he doesn't understand what you say, or doesn't know how to respond to a question, he puts his hands over his face or stares blankly right past your shoulder.
The team of people working with him decided that he should be tested for autism. They explained to my sister that even if he had this disorder, that it was a mild, or 'high functioning' case. She is searching for answers in books, online, where ever she can find them, but the biggest question will not be answered until the second of October, when his autism test is scheduled. She is worried about how he will react to some of the things they might do or say. He is upset very easily by certain things, and it must tear her heart out sometimes the way he screams. Don't get me wrong, his life doesn't completely consist of fits and unexplainable stares. He is full of energy and loves playing outside. He is a loving boy, and I pray that he gets the help he needs as soon as he can. We will know soon what the test will reveal, but not soon enough for my sister.
As she is reading an learning more about this disorder, she is coming across pages and documents of other families dealing with the same thing. In doing this, she is reading about many families with more than one child with the disorder. I guess she read somewhere that your chances of having a second child with autism are increased by 50%. Well, in reading this, she could not help but begin to wonder about her second boy. He is 2 years old, and is as close to his mommy as I have ever seen any child. He is so loving to her, coming up and hugging her leg every chance he gets. Everytime she sits on the floor, there he is, next to her, or on her lap. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have called or came over to her house and he had fallen asleep on her.
I only wish my daughter would do that, she's too damn independent!
But with all this love comes some negative points, which are part of her worry. He clings on her so much that there is almost no way she could have a babysitter, even if it's grandma or aunt 'me'. Ever since he was an infant, he didn't want anyone else but mom or dad, and now it's more on the mom side of things. I know children cling, but there's more. She is unable to tell him no, or get him to do anything that he does not want to do without this boy falling down, trying to scream but not having it come out until his lips turn blue, and then when it does come out, it's horrific. He likes to eat crayons, so she has to hide them, and he plays only with stick like objects, such as drumsticks and lincoln logs. He doesn't play with these objects normally either. He is content to go around all day and poke at things with his 'sticks'. I would have to say that the most obvious sign that there is a problem, is that he does not speak. He sometimes says mom, and he used to say dad, but my sister doesn't believe that he uses the words the way he should. I will say, though, every now and then we'll say something, and you just catch him repeating the word, but just for that instant. He doesn't do it very often, and seems to have no idea that he even does it. It's really strange. But these are all signs that have my sister worried, and they are all signs that she has read about under autism.
She has tried to bring this up to the team of people that come out weekly to work with her first son, but they seem to want her to wait. They agree with her that some of these signs are slightly a cause for worry, but I don't think they want to let on. They want to give her the ability to absorb the problems of the first child. I think they don't want to overwhelm her too soon. But my sister doesn't want to wait for him to get treatment. In everything that she has read, it explains that the sooner the treatment is started, the better for the child. She is extremely impatient, as I would be if faced with this situation. I try to console her as much as I can, but I dont' want to seem as if I am pittying her. I know she wouldn't want that.
I know my sister is a strong woman, but dealing with two boys that may be autistic, and a husband that now believes he is autistic too (high functioning, of course), I can only imagine how hard that must be. I pray for her, and I ask that if you are reading right now you would do the same. I will post the results of the tests that are going to be performed as soon as I know them.

Idiocy at it's best......
I lost our checkbook. Figured it was around the house and looked here and there, but it wasn't bill time so I didn't worry too much. I get online today to check out my account, and I notice a 305 dollar check that was written. Since it just cleared today, I couldn't see a copy of the actual check (our bank copies them and posts them online), and so I freaked out cause I figured someone was forging our checks. So I get Noah all freaked out and ready to leave work, and he called the bank and told them that we were on our way. And the *BaM*, it hits me, we wrote that check to pay off a Lowes credit card. DUH! I can't believe I forgot that. Okay..........so I guess now I'm on a search to find our checkbook. I even got MIkayla up from her nap and ready to go. She's pissed at me now. I guess I deserve it. Ha!

I've been reading some more in my philosophy book, and I got into this chapter on the mind/body problem. It's really deep. There's a bunch of different views, just like most all of philosophy, and tryin to fully understand each one is a mind breaker.
Decartes believes in 'dualism', which is bascially the mind and the body being two separate parts.....the body being a of spatial form (taking up space), and the mind is not spatial (not physical). But for the mental and non physical to get it's way into the physical breaks two laws of science. I'm having a hard time trying to find out what those two laws are, as I'm not a science major. So, basically, Descartes came up with the idea that the brain uses the pineal gland to do such a thing, bring the non-physical mind into the physical world.
Then you have your group that believes that the mind and body are both physical. These people are materialists. Thomas Hobbs was a materialist, and in one of his readings compares us to engines that move themselves by springs and wheels, as does a watch. He believes that we are nothing more then chemical and physical processes. This view is also known as reductionism, because it seems to reduce the workings in our mind to just a bunch of nerves and chemicals telling everything else what to do. Now the main problem with this one, is that it has to break down completely the unique view we have of our own conciousness. Philosopher J.J.C.Smart tried to say that even the concious can be broken down into the physical. The act of seeing or feeling something is in the physical world. He say's "An image or a sense datum can be green in a derivative sense, but this need not cause any worry, because, on the view I am defending, images and sense data are not constituents of the world, though the processes of having an image or a sense datum are actual processes in the world."
Another man, Norman Malcom didn't agree with his Smart's view that "there is a contingent identity between mental phenomena and brain phenomena". He disputed this because the 'surroundings' could not always be the same. I'm still tryin to understand that one, although I have an idea of what it means.
Next, you have your behaviorists. These people believe that everything in human nature is restricted to the study of what can be observed rather than to states of conciousness. This one I don't like altogether, because it says that all internal thought is reflected in external behavior. It basically totally erradicates the ability for internal, private thought. It doesn't make sense, because you can feel something without anyone else knowing about it. This belief inspired a joke:
Two behaviorist philosophers have just finished making love. so the first behaviorist says the second, "It was great for you. How was it for me?"
Now the latest belief comes from our recent technological advances in computers. It is called functionalism. Functionalism says that we should just be thought of as really complicated computers. Just as a computer works from imputs and outputs, they say we do also. Our inputs are feelings, taste, touch, etc; and our outputs are things such as running, walking, etc. They say mental concepts or 'beliefs' are just connections that the body makes between certain inputs and outputs. An easy way of looking at that is to think of this. A man sees a dog and instantly runs away. The reason he runs is his belief that 'dogs bite'. This is because of the sensory input that links seeing a dog, with running away. But this totally discounts our own personal conciousness.
I would say that I am leaning more on the side of dualism. The others really seem to get rid of God. God has a big part in our conciousness I believe. Without concious thought, how would we know God at all. These other views seem athiest to me. Maybe in evolution we gained our conciousness to give us an advantage.

Noah, my husband, has saved me from myself many times. He's been so patient with me. I was soo horrible to him when we first got together. I know drugs arn't an excuse, but I really didn't give a shit about myself enough to not do the things that I did to him. Just to give you an idea. When I came back from Texas, where I left my ex, I was living at my mom's house buming around and tryin to meet people off the internet. I met quite a few, had my fun, yadda yadda, and met Noah 4 months later. We were really great for each other for about 3 months...he kept me clean, I gave him excitement (good, clean fun). Well, I guess you could say that I got sick of the clean part, and I got ahold of the same old bullshit. Noah is so trusting of me that he just let me do whatever, and I did. I was talking to my ex. again, and he was tryin to talk me into coming back down to Texas for a couple of weeks. I was always one for a thrill and thought, ah, the hell with it, I'll go. So he wired me money and I packed up my stuff. I left Noah a note on the table for him to read when he got home from work, and wasn't plannin on talking to him until I got back. You don't have to tell me, I know how much of a ruthless bitch I was, it gets better. I ended up talking to Noah and I didn't go. He talked me out of it. Mr. Good Common Sense himself saved me from my own bullshit once again.I really love him for that. I probably wouldn't have ended up coming back.
One thing to note, I didn't realize just how much I loved Noah yet. On with the story.....
So I continued with my stupidity. I ended up doing crank behind his back many times, and ended up cheating on him twice. Well, if you want a reason to think I was a total piece of shit, you can have one right about............now. I ended up pregnant and didn't know who the father was. Like they say, folks, it only takes once. I slept with the other guy two times, about 2 weeks apart. Of course I was sleeping with Noah during this time, and I didn't have regular periods from the drugs, so I had no clue who the father was. Well, Noah didn't know about my affair. I ended up telling him about a month after I found out I was pregnant, and in telling him I just said, "I slept with someone else, they might be the father of this child, I'm leaving." Thats what I did, I left. Went and lived with my step-dad. I couldn't bear to feel the guilt of carrying someone else's child and forcing him to take care of us.
Well, the staying apart part didn't last long. We spent weekends together and he was apart of the baby's life even before he knew it was his. We ended up getting an ultrasound and found out that the baby was too young to be the other guys child. I got back with Noah about 2 months after I left him. He was reasured that the baby was his when Mikaylawas born. She had his ears, his hands, and I think she looks alot like him.
Just so you know, I am alot straighter than I used to be, and I have a bad habit of portraying myself as a piece of shit. I'm not saying that I haven't done bad things, because I know I have. I'm just saying that I always give others the bad infomation about myself before the good. so please read more of my stuff (hopefully I type good things every now and then) before you form your opinion of me.

Something I wrote when I was 12. I have to fill up my archive somehow, right?

1992
My parents argue. I guess it’s their form of communicating. All of the arguments are the same, over money. And usually at the same time, when my dad drinks. I normally don’t mind their arguing, sometimes I even don’t listen, just as if it were never there. There was one argument, it was different from the others. My dad was in the chair we put in the corner to make sure our dog doesn’t pee there, drinking as usual. I was sitting on the couch making a puzzle while my mom was in the EZ chair reading the paper. I don’t know how it started cause I wasn’t listening but all the sudden my dad was yelling at my mom to get out. My mother started screaming, “if you want me to out that bad, give me the money to get out!” Tears swelled up in her eyes as my dads cold, hard words pounded against her heart. Soon, my dad cooled down and sat in the chair in the corner. For about five minutes, silence. The only sounds that were heard were the echoes of his voice in our heads. Then he got up and went into his room to get some more money for more booze. He walked out of the room, yelling at my mom, “Why did you take the money, why?” My mom yelled back equally as savage, “Because you already spent enough on your booze!” But my dad wasn’t satisfied with that. He kept yelling, “Why, why did you take that money you thief?” The argument died down just as fast as it begun. We sat in silence for about 30 seconds. My dad walked up to my mom and said in a quiet but deadly ton, “You’re a thief and a liar and that’s the last thing you are ever getting from me.” And he walked out of the room and outside. As he did so, it became very cold. I know it wasn’t the cool night air, but the coldness of my dad’s heart.

---That's my step-dada I was talking about. You have to understand that I didn't even know or meet my real dad until I was 17. I write alot about the experiences in my life, always have. I must say that my life used to be alot more exciting. Not that my life completely sux now or anything. Hell, it's really alot better than it used to be. More structured, and a hell of alot less bullshit.

Well, since I lost some of my stuff, here's something I atleast had saved on my computer for school. It's just a paper.......too bad I don't have all the other messages I typed along with this paper, but oh well. Maybe I'll go through it all again just to refresh my own memory.

Watching this segment has caused me to consider more fully the need that general society seems to have for a structured balance, the need for set ideas and set reasons. And too many questions, or questioning things that may ‘rock the boat’ and change certain foundations for reasoning or belief, alter this set balance, therefore making things uncomfortable or ‘painful’. General society seems to much rather conform to certain beliefs or behaviors than to even contemplate questions that might make them look or feel like a fool, a traitor, or even just because it is easier to believe what another believes than to decipher a reason of their own.
I see Socrates in the roll of the man who is forced from the cave. He stepped out from the conformity, forced by God and his internal need for wisdom, just as the man in the cave whose force was unknown. He began to feel the pain of thorough self and mind evaluation (and probably rejection), and then discovered a reality that was not known to him before (a heightened sense of God and wisdom). Just as the man in the cave had pain in his sight when trying to clearly see the objects whose shadows he once believed to be reality. In his quest for wisdom, he also shares with others his ideas and beliefs, just as the man in the cave did when he was forced back down. But also as Socrates is scorned and called a corrupter, the man in the cave was then looked upon as if he was worse than before, or destroyed in some way.
I believe the man being force back down in the cave and being ridiculed by his peers has a lot to do with the reasons most people today do not ask so many questions, of themselves or others. It even seems to be ‘taboo’ to question certain things. God is God and the sky is blue. And if you can get a scientist to tell you the sky is blue because of the gases in the atmosphere, then hey, you’re better off then the other guy, right? Most don’t even think to question God’s reason for making the sky blue, or why God seemed to connect everything but never told us the equation. Or moreover, who is God? Is God the sky spanning up through outer space and the stars are merely the dust trail? These questions alter reasonable thought, and most definitely alter rational thought. And I bet if I ask these questions to the catholic community, they’ll probably think I’m on PCP. But even more so, could I question the catholic community on the profound presence of God that someone feels when they are on PCP?

I lost some of my archives! That really sux! All I wanted to do was change the template, I didn't realize it would screw up so much shit! GRRR. Let me fix this, I'll write more later.

I'm just lost today. Don't really have much to do. I could go to the store, but I don't want to drag Miki with around. I really need to get out more and do stuff. This being a stay at home mom is really starting to wear on me. I don't know if I want to have another baby. Then I would HAVE to be a stay at home mom.
Was just checkin sites out on blogger today. Sometimes it's fun just to see who is on that just published their blog. Found this one. Wish I could have ten million dollars. I'm gonna keep an eye on her. If she's got something goin for her, I'm gonna catch a piece! Although I don't think my husband will let me sell my panties for it.

Okay.......here I am, drunk again. Finally I get to sit at the computer and be drunk......lol
So here I go, get the full brunt of my drunk self. Here goes nothing. I'm listening to some cool ass music. Of course it's cause I'm chosing what to listen to. It's just too cool that we can decide what we want to hear and download it and listen to it. DSL ROCKS!
Just to give you an idea of what I'm listening to:
System of a Down - Aerials
Puddle of Mudd - She Hates Me
Puddle of Mudd - Drift and Die
P.O.D. - Satellite
Tool - Parabola
Nickelback - Never Again


There ya go.........so listen and get into my groove!
So I'm drinkin. You wouldn't be here listening to me ramble if you didn't expect that! I have such the complicated life. I can't stop but to think about it (all to often). And when I listen to music that just makes me want to thrash around the room, I can't help but realize the anger that I have received from this life. I never asked for some of the shit that I got. And the funny thing was when I was 15, I listened to the same shit, and I bet I was much more angry then. I sat around my step dad's house at age 15, played around with going to school.
If you wonder how at age 15 I could just 'play' with going to school, let me tell you more. I left my mother at age 14, probably. I used to think it was age 13, but after some calculations, I figure it was closer to 14. But either way, it was too fuckin young. So I moved in with my stepdad, the only one I have ever known as a dad for the first 17years of my life (love him for it), and a lovable drunk. He drank and made the drink so much more apart of his life that no one could help him.
But with him being a drunk, came the selfish 'drunk-ness'. I love him with all my heart, but he has been so caught in drunk illness, that there is no way to help him, but love him. But, as I was saying, he was drunk all the time. And at the age of 14 and 15, he was my easy way out.
I mean seriously.......how many places could I drink, smoke, and smoke weed without worry! I never did it in front of him, and I never bluntly admitted what i ever did, in front of him. He drank, alot. It was easy......too easy. I became every sense of party I could ever think, dream, or want to become. All I had to do was stay in school (not miss too much, but that was 2-3 days a week), make him dinner every night, and not make too much of a disturbance.
Therefore not much for love. So I became a slut, and chancer, and changer, an anything that would give me some kind of attention/love/need.
And thats when I realized this song:
Puddle of Mudd - She Hates Me
I felt that about everyone! I wanted everyone, anyone, to love me, and they just didn't.So thats when I began to feel that everybody hated me.
You won't guess what I did next.
I medicated. I fun medicated. I smoke soo much pot. Then I snorted soo much crank. Then I smoked it. I had soo much fun, I even began to shoot crank. I streamlined it, I free-banged it, I injected it into my arms, legs, wherever it felt good. No one cared. I was havin fun, livin my little life. My little, meaningless, insignificant 16 year old (the time I shot up), little fucked up, pathetic life.
I tried to kill myself by doing that (thats basically what shootin anything is) for 3 months. Finally, I guess someone must have asked about me, cause no one knew where I was at. So then the word got around that I had been doing alot of drugs. ALOT OF DRUGS! Bad Bad into drugs. It got around, and it had to be beaten into peoples mind that I would die from this. This was bad. Really really bad. No one would have guessed. I got put into treatment. I was there for 8 months. I guess I wouldn't do what they wanted me to. LOL
Most of the time I didn't mind, I liked having people care about me. People that really cared about what I did, where I was, and where my life was going.
And then I got out.
Same old, same old.
In treatment, they taught me that everything was bad, no weed, no alcohol, no drugs at all, and no men. But within a month I was with a guy that was 4 years older and would feed me alcohol. I say that I had to be drunk to be with him. Thats because I was only with him to be drunk. He was really egotistical and I hated him, but he bought my booze.
But when you realize that last 8 months of your life were worthless, and you are back where you started, whats the fuckin point?!
I had a myriad of bad relationships and one good job that kept me in tact. Well, I had a good car, a good crank habit within my good job, and a nice body that got me what I wanted. That lasted until I lost the first two. I lost my car (wrecked by the sober guy-another story), I lost my good job (by doing all the crank), and I was left with only being a piece of shit with a nice body.
So I got real bad again. I said fuck it, again. I wanted to play, but I never wanted to lose.
System of a Down - Aerials
I began to believe that was my life. This is what I'm meant for. You have to figure this was the second time in my life where I was somewhere I didn't want to be. I had to discover some kind of reason why I was back there. This MUST be what I was meant for. I drugged my life soo much, I never talked to anyone, I was shooting up again. But I held on to one person, the one I clung to when I first lost my car. I clung to Eric. He helped me through alot of things. But he hurt me through alot of things too. He saved me from death, that much I will say.
We moved to escape hard drugs (except we continued smoked alot of weed). First we moved to Indiana for 9 months, then we moved to west Texas for 4 months. I can't go into detail about that right now. That would take forever. But the point is, that in that time I discovered myself. And I discovered I was strong enough not to have to deal with alot of bullshit.
That's why I left him after 4 months in Texas and came home. By that time I was 19, and I decided that living was gonna be either for ME or SOMEONE ELSE. I chose me.
So I met my noah, now my husband, just 4 months after I came home from Texas. 10 months later I was pregnant. Strange how life works out. Now I'm 22, married, with a little girl who's just under a year old. Crazy.........so there's my life!

Okay, when you think things couldn't get more confusing. I don't understand my husband. I guess he doesn't understand me either, so that must make us even. Oh well. I'm still confused. He's been tellin me for some time that he doesn't want to have anymore children right now. And so I have convinced myself that it wouldn't be a good idea for many reasons, blah blah blah. Well, then last night he comes out and says "i've been thinkin about it, and i don't think it sounds like a bad idea". Talk about fuckin with a woman's head. Just as soon as I convince myself of why we shouldn't have children, he says, "okay, lets have more kids". GRRR!

Well, I dropped out of school. Figured out we couldn't afford to do it without a loan, and we have to wait til next semester to get a loan. YaY! Not really. But to stay on the bright side, check out my Wedding Pictures!
And if that isn't interesting enough....check out my Mikayla!
And if that doesn't satify you, go to HELL!

I had yet another dream again last night.....this time is was really short and it just consisted of my husband driving and me in the passenger seat. We were going down this long, dark road. I remember seeing the orange lines in the middle of the road considerable well, though. But we kept going up these hills really fast, and then we'd go airborne. We didn't seem to crash when we came back down, but we kept going up and down, high speed, big hill, airborne, do it again. It was really strange. I'm hoping that someday soon I will be able to figure out what the hell these dreams mean.

Another Dream

I'm hanging out with my inlaws.......my husbands mother, his aunt Alice and uncle Larry, and everyone is really happy. My husband was there with me, and I was telling everyone how I had this chance to be on a talk show. Everyone was really supportive and they wanted me to do it.

Well, when I got on the talk show, I was on for being proud of being a huge slut. I was wearing nothing but a robe. I was really nervous, and I don't think I really wanted to be on there, but I felt pressured. I was getting asked questions like "what do you think about a hard cock?" and stuff like that. And I'd answer them the way they wanted me to, saying that "i love hard cocks" and explaining what i would like to do with them. I'm stirring around in the seat on that stage, so nervous I'm not even speaking with my own accent. I don't even look good. You can see my little fat rolls pop out every now and then......I looked like one of those stupid chics on the Jerry Springer Show who are fat and stand up on stage talking about how hot they are.
Well, after the show......I tried to go up to my inlaws for support, cause I knew I was stupid and I was completely humiliated. Well, his Aunt Alice and Uncle Larry are the first ones I see in the driveway, and they won't even talk to me. They look at me like I'm dirt and and just walk past me. I felt hurt, I just looked at them like I'm sorry, but they didn't care. So I went inside the house to see noah's mother, my mother inlaw. In real life she's one of the sweetest people I know, but in this dream, she wasn't so sweet.
She was on the phone when I walked up to her, I think she was making arrangements on how to fix what I just messed up or something. I told her that I'm sorry and Alice and Larry don't want anything to do with me and then I began to tell her how alone I felt, when she put her hand over the phone and said to me, plain and simple, "We're through".
That broke my heart, I just kinda took a few steps back. Noah was next to me, and he just kinda shadowed my as I walked into the kitchen and grabbed this knife and sliced it across my arm, cutting really deep. I stood there and just watched the blood come out from the cut. I didn't figure anything mattered anymore, I felt lost and alone and that no one cared. Noah cared that I had cut my arm, but I think only as much he could because he was hurt from what I had done.
Well, the sceen switched to me younger, but I had still done something very very bad. Like I had did the show, but then I got younger all the sudden and was put in some foster home where the parents had a bunch of other children, and I was the cursed one. I was about 17 I would say, and all the other children treated my like I was a slave. In fact, everyone treated me like I was dirt and I had no chance at life. The parents would always scream at me and not at the other children, and when anything bad happened it was always my fault.
So one day, I decided to try to bust out, cause I normally wasn't allowed to leave the yard. Well, I got out, and I had a bottle of liquor in my hand. The outside was like a street market, where there were lots of different stands selling all sorts of different things.
I knew I couldn't just chug on that bottle of liquor, so I had to find another bottle to put the liquor in. I seen this stand that had really cool bottles that had swirled colored glass. I didn't have any money, so i knew I would have to steal one, but I also knew that I wouldn't have much trouble in stealing one.
Well, I didn't get to far, cause the parents of the foster home set out to find me, and they sent this dog out to look for me. I just barely get the colored bottle in my hand, and the dog takes me down and I am forced back into the home. At this point, I've been through so much shit that I don't care that I get in trouble anymore.
So I'm back in the house with the other kids. I get around the older boys when the parents arn't around, and I say "hey, look at this" I show them this joint roller that I got while on the outside, and I think I had some weed too. I kept it hidden in my bra, and the other boys were like "ooooo", but then the parents busted in. I guess they had a sixth sense that something bad was happening, but I got in trouble again. I don't think they found any evidence, but I was still in trouble.

--Then noah woke me up cause it was 10:30 and mikayla was screaming.